When your friend unintentionally makes you feel poo

[Fit-ishPlum]

I've been feeling a lot better about myself just lately, after my downfall with my clothes shopping. Loving my bikini, have a new mirror that makes you look slimmer haha, and just generally not actually worrying about the number on my clothes tag at the moment, because I know I am going to make it change.

But, my friend sort of pooped on my parade this morning. She said she's depressed about having to be beach ready in October... She's a petite size 8/10 and she's worried about being beach ready... It's angered me slightly, because I'd kill to be as slim as she is, I know everyone has their own insecurities.

I told her she is beach ready (meaning regardless of her size etc) so she said she's going to the gym 3 times a week (gfh haha), so she better be for Oct. Again, getting a little more irritated.

I told her (which is what I'm sort of trying to think and what you lovely people have said to me) I'm pretty sure everyone will be worried about how they look themselves more than whether her arms don't look toned enough. And then said, she'll be standing next to me the whole time, so she'll instantly look slimmer anyway XD

It's that sort of thing where, your friends know you're very insecure about your (overweight) body and are trying to lose weight, then they go and moan about their small toned little frames. You're just there like, "if you really want something to be worried about have some of my fat", to kind of justify it. She's probably never had more than 5% body fat on her haha.

I feel mean, but it's just kind of annoyed me and reminded me how far I've got to go and getting me a bit anxious about pulling all my kit off for the whole of the hotel to see, kind of thing. It's made me feel bad that I haven't actually managed to even drop a size like I wanted to.

Looks like I'm going for a run tonight then!

[Chefmel]

Ooh I need to buy a new bikini. Well, I say "need", I suppose bikini season is kinda over! Had the same lush turquoise one for like 5 years but the bottom part has gone all bobbly. Where'd you get yours? My fave place for swimwear is M and S.

I know it's annoying but your friend didn't mean any harm by it. I think that everyone is used to being a certain "size", whether it is a size 8 or a size 14, and when you deviate away from that size, it makes you feel uncomfortable. Even for smaller girls it is daunting if your clothes start getting tight. I think the way you replied was perfect.

Also your right about the size thing, you could have two size 10 women side by side, one with an unhealthy diet and that doesn't work out, and another woman who eats right and exercises all the time, and theyd look completely different. Perhaps your friend would just like to be more toned- some people prefer being skinny and some prefer being more "athletic".

How long until your holiday and where are you heading off to?

[Fit-ishPlum in reply to Chefmel]

I got mine from Next and I'm in love with it, paid a bomb unfortunately, but it's got parrots on it and the blue and green colour suit me and it fits perfectly. I love it. Just gutted it might not fit next year if I lose weight.

No, she doesn't mean any harm and I think it's a case of you can't see any faults in the other person, but they see the faults in themselves. As long as she is happy I guess. We're already in agreement that this is our eat crap, drink crap and do sod all week. Well needed stress relieving holiday, so I'm not going to sit there counting calories, because being all inclusive, it would be hear impossible but to guestimate!

Have 3 weeks to go now to Lanzarote. I've sort of put a hold on the desperation of losing numbers on the scale. I'm just focussing on strength September and seeing if I can tone up a bit. If I don't lose weight, I'm hoping I can at least shift it around to look less wobbly! XD

[Hidden]

Hi

It's very simple Fit-ish Plum

Beauty is not just about how you look on the outside it's also what's on the inside that counts.

Simple ☺

[VickyDLM 2 stone]

Why is it that we as women are so critical of ourselves? No matter how beautiful the woman, you can guarantee that she won't be happy with her looks! I think it's kind of bad and we need to get a grip and be happy with ourselves. Of course, I realize that's easier said than done!

I think your friend illustrates that really well, Plum. And I can't say that I'm immune either, though I have to admit that I feel much more confident in how I look now that I've started losing weight and exercising more.

I'm sorry you felt frustrated, but at least your friend wasn't trying to do anything maliciously, just rather thoughtless. And I think you're channelling your frustration well by using it to fuel a run! You've done a fantabulous job so far and being well on the way to your goals means you can hold your head high and show them you are a fantastic woman, whatever your size!

[Fit-ishPlum in reply to VickyDLM]

It is so sad that the way we look affects us so much. It all stems from different places. I only really started to feel conscious after college, and I know mine has been intensified from not feeling good enough from a previous relationship. It is all mental and with these models and celebs (slim in their own rights!) shoved in our faces all the time and some ads that actively make you feel bad for the way you look, we're not all helped - god help the young girls of the world and what the will have to face body image wise!

But I do have in my head that I am still a bit young, so it's better to start sooner and set in lifestyle habits now, rather than keep wallowing till I die.

T

he whole of 2016 is a write off. This has been the beginning, 2017 is the big push! Hopefully have another holiday planned for Aug next year, so I shall definitely be aiming to be the healthiest, fittest and happiest I've been, no matter what size that is (hopefully a nice toned size 12, but I'm not being fussy XD)

[VickyDLM 2 stone in reply to Fit-ishPlum]

I know what you mean. There's no way we can possibly hope to measure up to images that aren't even real! The pictures of models we see are all airbrushed and digitally modified to make even the most beautiful model look "perfect". It just sets us all up for a fall!

I have to say, I'm worried about the state of girls too:

girlguiding.org.uk/social-a...

[Fit-ishPlum in reply to VickyDLM]

Well that's depressing and what puts me off having children... Knowing what they will have to go through.

[Penel in reply to Fit-ishPlum]

It may seem depressing but once you are aware of problems you can do something about them, little by little. Have a look at the American site "A Mighty Girl'.

I'm with Kalahuchi when it comes to your friend....

Hope you have a lovely holiday.

[Itsbab]

Hi I know it's annoying when your friend is a lot smaller than you are and goes on about her weight/size. When I was younger my friend was a 6/8 and I was a 14/16 she used to drive me mad with her constant worrying but I realised that although she came over all brash and confident her insecurities ran deep.

You are off on a holiday, the sun will be shinning, you are on your weight loss journey and already you are working towards your goal and loosing on a weekly basis. Enjoy it once you are in that pool who can see what anyone looks like anyway? Being fabulous and likeable isn't about thinness etc just look at Dawn French, Sarah Millican, Jo Brand, all women with amazing personalities that outshine whatever shape/weight they may be.

Some women need constant reassurance that they look OK while others quietly get on with their lives I imagine you are one of those women.

Keep on your journey, have a brilliant holiday, don that swimwear and get in that pool/beach and enjoy yourself come back refreshed, tanned and looking great. Sometimes no amount of "you look great, no your not fat", ever works with some people, hope she doesn't keep going on when you are actually on holiday it would be a shame to spoil a holiday you are both looking forward to so much.

Have a great time bikini and all Bev

[Fit-ishPlum in reply to Itsbab]

I'm hoping a tan will cover up a few orange peel sections. I think once I'm there it will just be a case of, well I'm here now, so unless I want to swim an bathe in leggings and a jumper, I've got no choice but to embrace.

[kalahuchi in reply to Itsbab]

Wise words indeed from Bev and I wholeheartedly agree. I am, however, positively bristling with the injustice of you having to take this insult on the chin. Having been fat pretty much all of my life, and taken a good few insults and thoughtless remarks aimed at myself along the years, I am getting quite assertive these days. If a close friend spoke to me in that way after all of my efforts, I would quietly and calmly tell her exactly what I thought of her remark, because close friendships are precious and I simply wouldn't be able to turn the other cheek without it festering away; if it was a mere acquaintance, she wouldn't get a second chance to insult me! Just had to get that off my chest. I tell you what, we'll wait until you're on holiday and send the girls round. Who's with me? You have a great time in your bikini Fit-ish-plum; you will look wonderful. Wear a smile and you can't go wrong whatever your dress size!

[Hidden]

Aw, sweet, some people are just thoughtless at times! You've done really well to get where you are and you'll go further still. Unfortunately, we all get days when we're frustrated it's taking too long and we have exchanges with certain people that can trigger that sort of thinking. Remember, you're not doing this just for the holiday, you're doing this so you'll have healthy habits for life! There will be other holidays and your time will come and your friends will be so proud and impressed by what you will have achieved. It just takes time.

Stay strong!

Sazkia x

[dish70]

That is a shame you feel upset , But who says you have to wear a bikini, I don't know what size you are but there are some great one piece cozzies and I think sometimes a bit cover is more flattering , Get some fab sandals paint your nails toes and fingers and look great whatever you wear. Oh and have a fab holiday

[Seuzan]

Have inner confidence and love your body!

You are in a far stronger place than your friend by the sounds of things.... Have a wonderful trip and don't let someone else's insensitive / insecure comments touch you!

[Hidden]

Hi, please don't put yourself down to cheer her up!

Anyone who is size 8-10 and says things like this must be either having a dig at a larger-size friend in order to make themselves feel better, or have a really distorted idea of body size (if they genuinely believe they are too fat for the beach).

It's mean of her to play on your concerns about your weight like this. I reckon she is secretly a bit worried that you are losing weight and that the balance of power in your relationship might well change, so she is trying to undermine your confidence so she can keep on top. It's quite a common thing for those around us to be resistant to us changing, even if they don't realise it.

I'd suggest that you just don't discuss weight and shape with her any more. Keep your own counsel. If you can't avoid getting in to a conversation, why not just agree with her - "yes, now you mention it, your arms are a bit flabby aren't they?" That might put her off mentioning it again!