Today I did not wake up feeling great, the tinnitus was back so I knew my stress levels had risen once more. I recently had an appointment with a holistic nutritionist in my last hopes to get rid of you once and for all and although this was just an initial consultation, I learnt quite a lot, such as how tinnitus is linked to stress and how it is important for me to live a fully balanced life in all areas of my life. Although, I have so much anger and frustration towards you, I can honestly say thank you for one thing and that is for showing me all the cracks in my life that needed mending. You see, I grew up bottling everything up in a tight vacuum sealed jar. I thought showing emotion was weakness and I truly believed not showing emotion meant I was strong and had some kind of control over the situation. Oh! How wrong I was? What’s worse, I strongly felt that the indifference was my greatest tool. I had gone through my whole life up until the point I was diagnosed in my early twenties, holding on to toxic behaviours and habits, that in the end resulted in creating you. It was only until about a month ago I really thought about you and your purpose in my life. This began during one of my routine doctor’s appointments to see if you were still lurking in my system. The phlebotomist and I randomly began engaging in a conversation about our love for Ilyana Vanzant an inspirational speaker I saw a few times on Oprah. Since my diagnosis in March,2014, I have visited the GP and hospital to have countless routine blood tests (the many perks of knowing YOU) and it is usually the quick,
“Full name please? DOB?” (nurse) and “Please could you use this vein?” (me) followed by “You are just going to feel a sharp scratch.” (nurse) to which I respond in my mind with I’ve done this so much I’m not even phased. But on this occasion, I really took a liking to this phlebotomist, I felt like she didn’t just see me as just another patient and I really welcomed her cheery disposition. While we were waiting for the small tube to fill up with blood, she told me about her extensive book collection, then she looked at me with a soft compassionate smile on her face as if already knowing all that I have been through and said…
“There’s value in the valley.”
To which I replied in a startled manner, “Sorry?!”
Again, she repeated this and explained that whatever darkness you go through in life there are lessons to be learned and there is a reason for it all: ‘VALUE in the VALLEY’. I briefly looked up at the ceiling quizzically as if to say what are you up to now, God? How randomly she should say these words at a time I was literally falling to pieces. It was in this moment that something within me clicked. You see I always saw you as a curse, a darkness over my life that I had to endure for the rest of my life. I associated you with bad news, sickness, hormonal imbalance, pneumonia, asthma, umpteen doctors’ appointments and umpteen emergency visits to A&E and walk-in centres, nearly dying, confusion, broken relationships, job loss and a myriad of so many other symptoms and problems that come with the package. But never, never had I thought of you as a lesson or as a blessing in disguise - as something to learn from. So, as I left the GP practice that morning, I turned to the phlebotomist and thanked her for her time and patience and told her she helped me more than she knew. Later, as I stood waiting for the bus, this thought kept running through my mind.
“Value in the valley. Value in the valley. Value in the valley.”
It was then that I saw a flashback of my life before YOU and the how I was indeed a bomb waiting to explode. I began to realise how this experience freed me in so many ways and how changing my perception of you helped me to see this as a journey, like all other aspects of my life. Seeing you as a piece in the jigsaw of my life, truly centred me for the first time in a long time and for a moment, I felt a sense of peace within myself. Because God brings us to something so that he can bring us THROUGH it; stronger, wiser and full of FAITH so that we are then armed with the tools to help others. I know now that you didn’t come to stay, you have come to pass. So I will stand in the eye of the storm with my hands out wide, full of faith, ready to learn what this journey with you is here to teach me. But for today, all I will say to you, is THANK YOU.
Not only because I have been on the same path and slowly and painfully came to the same conclusion as you did.
Not even for seeing myself in the tough cookie role, making plenty of the mistakes you're writing about.
It's for the fact of seeing it put in front of my eyes, while I knew it already and not doubting my conclusions...having it pushed under my nose by a fellow sufferer it's comforting and validating beyond words. I thank you for that!
Your findings are true. Don't ever doubt it. There is value in the valley. While you're at it, if you'll keep this on the back of your mind you'll notice a complete different perspective over the things in your life. I dare to call it a better one.
Love it! Embrace the journey you might say. Incidentally if you investigate Dr Kenneth Brookler (being interviewed by Ivor Cummins on Youtube) you will see that he thinks tinnitus is caused by sugar consumption. Kenneth Brookler is a retired Ear, Nose and Throat specialist.
Thank you, that is interesting, sugar seems to be at the basis for many problems so this makes a lot of sense! I will definitely look into this and yes embrace the journey and learn the lesson it is there to teach, as I truly believe that life seldom happens TO us but FOR us
I completely understand, I suppose it is easier to befriend when you have found a way to manage it, but when things go out of control it is definitely much harder. I believe it is a life long journey, not a destination and there are going to be a number of setbacks,but, the harder the challenge the sweeter the victory. We just have to learn to be kind to ourselves and know this has not come to stay but come to pass, we are stronger than the storms life throws our way.
Thank you soooooo much for this post. As a sufferer of hypothyroidism and Graves’ disease, it’s tough to see the positive everyday and have faith that God will walk me through it.
You are very welcome it took me many years to get to this and it just never occurred to me that changing my perspective would change the trajectory of my life. Before this I was living in such darkness and the enemy (Graves) was surely winning. But after that realisation 'value in the valley' it just struck me to my core and I woke up for the first time in 4 years. All that I had been through was not happening to destroy me but rather to build me up. I can honestly say that through this journey with Graves I have learnt so much about myself and more importantly learnt how to be love myself and be kind to myself. I am a better version of myself because of it. It doesn't mean to say I still don't struggle and have bad days when the disease renders me too sick to even lift my head off my pillow, but this time when this does happen, I am forced to look at my habits and actions the days/weeks prior, what emotions was I cultivating? Were they to build myself up or bring myself down? Did I nourish my body with healthy food and exercise? or did I allow stress to take the driving seat and unhealthy food choices occupy space in my body. I believe that a body that is at ease and harmony cannot produce disease. I hope this helps
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