Again - Back To Square One - Where Do I Start?!

Hi everyone...

From the last time I posted in here, which was roughly 4 weeks ago until now I had been very sick & on Monday morning I got another blood test to check my thyroid. I had those horrible suicidal thoughts again & of course I did harm myself. I took 3 overdoses. However, the first one I cannot remember about, the second time, the ambulance and police came to my door & when I was allowed home, which was just a few days later I went to the chemist & bought more tablets, which were buy over the counter sleeping tablets.

I am not well - However, I am better now compared to what I was. It's the darn cycle that is making me go cuckoo! And I also have a low active thyroid gland which is not helping either.

The Saturday morning I went to the chemist to buy more sleeping tablets the Home Treatment team from the Mental Health called the police because I was not at home. I was away in town buying tablets because I was still feeling so low from the first time I took the overdose, which was a week earlier. (This was three to four weeks ago)

I was so desperately low. I was going to post in here but then I got to the point where life was not worth it anymore.

It is the cycle that is doing all this to me. And this happens to me quite often. My anti-depressants have been increased which are Vensir.

I'm just waiting on the blood results coming through to me. I am also being referred back to the gynecologist too. He said he would remove my ovaries in 6months time but I am thinking now he might do it sooner rather than later.....

29 Replies

  • When I was lying in hospital wired up to a heart machine - the police put in my front and porch door. Someone on my Facebook thought I was lying here dead and they had called the police. So, the police came out and smashed the glass of my front door and splintered the wooden frame to the porch door. I was already in hospital with an overdose. So, I am sitting here with black duck tape covering the gaps and holes. My home is a mess.

    What was killing me though was my dog....if I was no longer here my wee dog would have to go into a home. It would break her heart because the way she is treated and the way she is cared for is as if she lives in a hotel. She has been through 7 operations on her legs and I just couldn't leave my dog. Just couldn't. It would break her wee heart. She sits on a £500.00 sofa, she has her own bed, she has wee steps up to the sofa and steps up to her bed also. She can only go for a walk for 10 minutes, three times a day. She is a Labrador and she is only 4year old.

    I couldn't leave her for her to go into a cold horrible kennel to be re-homed and possibly falling into the wrong hands for someone to mis-treat her.

    So, it is my wee dog that keeps me alive but it is very painful, psychologically because I keep taking the symptoms of the cycle every two weeks.

  • This was my post to a friend on my facebook on Monday about how I felt a few weeks ago....

    Arlene, when you are at your lowest you don't think of anything that is positive. When you feel at your worst all you want to do is go to sleep forever and not too wake up again. I go off my food for roughly 10 days or so, I can't concentrate on the television, I don't talk nor I don't want to talk to just want to be left alone........and then the next thing is I think of all sorts of things.....and those thoughts just haunt me, torture me and won't leave me alone......and i hear things in my head like, your useless, worthless, your no good, your stupid, your thick, you won't have a good life......and so on!......your ugly, your fat......your dumb.....

  • Another post I wrote on Monday after the doctor's appointment....

    Now that I have the strength to walk to the health centre I have just made an appointment with my doctor, Dr A. The last time I saw Dr A was on the 15th of November, which was a Friday and it was Saturday evening I took sick with depression and other horrible bad thoughts.

    This doctor that I see now is fantastic. She is absolutely brilliant. At 8.30am I called to make an appointment and 5 minutes later I thought to myself that I should have made a double appointment. Making a double appointment means you get to spend a longer time with the doctor. So, I called back and made a double appointment. This means I can get talking to her longer instead of being with he doctor for less than 10 minutes. I think a double appointment is 20minutes. I'll get to explain to her what happened on the weekend I was ill.

    From the time the Home Treatment were out until now - that horrible thing was working on me again because under both my arms are swollen and sore but my mood didn't go as low this time as it did the last time. In November I was really feeling so horrible - at the end of my tether.

    This doctor I go to is a lady doctor and she is youngish. She is better than the other two doctors which are my doctors but I don't go anywhere near them because they are as grumpy as hell and they dread to see you opening the door. Dr A doesn't make you feel like this at all. She is even sorting out my thyroid too because she knows it is not right at the minute either. So, I have a lot of stuff to cover over with Dr A. I might even ask her to increase my anti depressant too. And she might even send me back over to the hospital again to see the Gynecologist - that is how good she is. It is now 9am. And my appointment is for 10.10am. I'm off now to have a shower and get ready.

    I'm glad that horrible tiredness has lifted so that I can get my house cleaned up and ready for Christmas!

  • and another post I wrote on my facebook. I forgot to mention, I am on an injection to stop the cycle. Well, it is meant to stop it even though I had it again just last week......the injection I am on is called Zolodex.

    I'm just home. Blood taken to check my thyroid. Anti-depressants increased and I am being referred back to the doctor at the hospital as well.

    She is so nice Dr A. She is so down-to-earth. I also asked her was she permanent and she said yes. I said I was glad because I said the other two are grumps and told her that I wouldn't go near them. She is so helpful.

    Instead of waiting to the 20th of December to get my next injection I want to get it next week, next Monday. I was thinking to myself that it would be better if I got the injection now rather than waiting to the 20th. And hopefully the 2nd injection will work better too.

    I told Dr A that the Dr at the hospital said I have another ten years of this...I said to her I couldn't live like this for another 10 years. I said I'd rather throw myself into a river than go through another ten years of this mess. She is now writing back to him to rush up the appointment rather than wait 6months to see him. If I went to Dr M I wouldn't get all this work done at all. She would march me out of the office as quick as she would look at you! And Dr C is just as bad!

    I told Dr A what I thought of her and said to her that I wouldn't go back near to the other two. She said I was a wee pet and thanked me very much.

    Oh and I said to her about my worries about the Tibolone tablet. She said they are safe and that I had not to worry. She said they have the same side effects as to some other medication but she said they are very safe. She said I needed them for my bones. Still though, I wish I could drink milk instead of taking these. LOL!

  • Hello Mich. I didn't think I was going to get a reply. Thank you and thank you for all the nice things you said at the beginning of your message.

    No, it is just my cycle that is causing me all these problems. And I am having the symptoms of the cycle every two weeks. As I speak I am so sore with cramps. I don't bleed because I had a partial hysterectomy in 2004. I just had my womb removed then. Now I am having real from having the symptoms of the cycle.

    Thank you for your well wishes. I need them, I really do. I need all the prayers I can get. I am a complete zombie and when the cycle is working on me I change into the incredible hulk without my skin colour changing!! It's not fair. My body is not equipped for all of this at all. I am not a robot but I am thinking my brian is thinking I am one! I am having the symptoms of the cycle at the moment. I am only over it less than 10 days ago when the Home Treatment staff were here!!!

  • Change of plan. I am getting the injection later today, Friday and the doctor will give it to me on Monday. I want to get the injection now as I am hoping I will not go into the cycle again. No way do I want to be sick on Christmas Day like I was in November. (I am being invited to my friends house for Christmas Day.)

    As I speak, the symptoms are working on me again as under my arms are sore and swollen with lumps.

    I think I'm wise getting the injection now rather than waiting until the 20th December.

    I still have not got the results yet from Monday for the thyroid but as soon as I get the results I will let you know.

  • Oh I feel for you. Hormone hell wreaking havoc on your brain and body. Thyroid disease often masquerades as mental illness and many undiagnosed and untreated thyroid sufferers have experienced psychosis and been incorrectly treated for bipolar.

    Can you get a number from Dr. A, the Home Treatment Team or MHT that you can call for help if you feel yourself going into a cycle? You need to know what to do and what out of hours help is available over Christmas and NY.

  • Hello Clutter. Thanks for your reply. Yes, hormone wrecking hell!!!!! I am having terrible lot of bother at the moment and more so with this last two years. I had the hysterectomy in 2004 and it did do me wonders but for the past two years I am having a lot of bother. And as I speak I think I am going into the cycle again. Under my arms are sore with lumps. Under my arms ALWAYS gets sore and then it goes away but comes back again.

    I'd love to do something or even take something to control these darn hormones. Life, for me is hell at the moment, absolute hell. I am not making it up. I'd love to give someone my shoes and tell them to walk in them for a month and see how you will like it.

    I have a disabled brother who cannot walk, talk, or hear! The last time I visited him was in 2009. I can't visit him right now because if I start to visit him again I need to keep up with the visits because it's not fair on my brother. I cannot go visiting him and then all of a sudden stop. I need to keep going. At the moment I am no good to him because I don't have the energy and I am sick with the cycle every bloody 14 days or so........and when the symptoms of the cycle goes away then I start cleaning on the house and by the time I am finished it's time again for the cycle to be working on me........and then housework, bed for two weeks, housework.....bed for two weeks, then housework.......that's my routine!!!!! Exciting!

    Yes, I have numbers but I cannot ring the Mental Health Team directly. You have to go through your GP first. It would be my Dr to call the Home Treatment people and they get involved that way.

  • You need to be able to contact someone out of hours until your condition is under control. Please stress this to Dr. A, else you're going to do irreperable harm to your body if you continue ODing or may end being sectioned for your own safety.

    Maybe an idea to print off your posts above and give them to Dr. A so she can see how desperate you become and perhaps schedule more frequent injections too.

  • She has referred me back to the Gynecologist. He said 6months but because of the overdoses recently my GP has referred me back sooner than later and this was recommended by the Mental Health Team.

  • Glad to hear you might be able to get in a bit faster. When you feel depressed just keep remembering your lovely dog needs you to keep going for her. Could you manage to take her out for a walk when you feel down?

  • Fruitandnutcase, when I go so very low I have I lose interest in everything. My dog can only got for a walk for 10minutes, three times a day. These are orders by the Vet. She has been through 7 leg operations to daye and she is only 4years old. Her first operation when he was only 6months old!! So, she cannot walk for any length of time either.

  • Cairna, I kind of had a feeling you probably wouldn't be able to do that, it was just an idea. Hope you get sorted out soon (((hugs)))

  • Fruitandnutcase, I know you are only trying to help and give me advice. I really appreciate it. Thank you. I hope I get sorted too because I am at the end of my tether with all of this. I really am.

  • I know, good luck, were all thinking of you. x

  • Ciarna where do you live? X

  • Tricia, I live in County Armagh. Northern Ireland,

  • Ciarna, Are you actually on any thyroid medication? If so do you have copies of your latest blood tests. It seems you are perhaps under medicated. With proper levels your symptoms with the cycle might ease up.

  • Hennerton, yes, I am on thyroid medication but from 2009 until now I was only on 25mlgrams of L... (sorry, can't spell the name of the tablet but I'm sure you know what medication I am talking about) and just recently it was raised to 50mlgrams.

  • How are you today? X

  • Wiggy, I am really tired today.

  • Hi, I am just after calling the doctors asking for the blood results for the thyroid which was taken on Monday morning. The T4 is 12.8 and the TSH is 4.23.........The girl at the reception said this is normal and for no action to be taken. Does this sound normal to you??

  • Depends on the reference range but if it is the one my lab uses, no, it is not as good as it should be and you are probably under medicated. Could you please ring back and grovel to them for the ref range, so we can be sure? xx

  • Ok Hennerton, I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday to get the injection. When I am with her I will ask her what the reference ranger is. She is very good, actually, she is extremely good, better than the last one. I could actually ask if she could increase the thyroid medication by another 25mlgrams and take 75grams altogether.

  • That is good but if you have only been on 50 for a week or so, she may want to wait a few more weeks and then do a new blood test. But hang on in there Ciarna, because I feel sure either the 50 or 75 will make a big difference to you. The late Dr Skinner was convinced that most gynae problems were caused by underactive thyroid and knew patients that had even had hysterectomies and then been found to be hypo. He also was convinced about the link with depression. Who wouldn't be depressed, going through what we are all suffering but actually it is all a matter of chemistry too and you are at the mercy of your hormones not being right. Good luck with your GP and keep in touch. Look after yourself over the weekend. Things are going to get better now. xx

  • Ciarna, have the anti-depressants worked at all? One side effect of anti-depressants is that it can cause low thyroid! I think your blood tests show that you still are suffering from hypothyroidism. My T4 was 12, and my TSH was 5 and then I began treatment. If your T4 is low, then you might not have enough T3. Are you seeing a psychiatrist in the mental health team? Psychiatrists can prescribe T3 - it's probably the best anti-depressant! I was very depressed and within a few weeks of being on T3 my mood improved a lot. T3 increases serotonin. Have you had your FT3 ever tested?

    Big hug xx

  • No, I have never been tested for FT3, should I ask my GP for this?

  • The anti-depressant I am on is Vensir....I was on 225grams but it has been increased to 300grams a day because of the suicidal thoughts I had a few weeks ago.

  • Yes you can ask your GP for this, but they may not do it. If that's the case you might want to pay privately. I think Thyroid UK has some links to labs for blood tests.

    But before you do that..looking at your blood tests you may not be on enough thyroid medication. You should post the reference ranges of your lab. If your T4 is at the low end, ask your GP to increase your meds. Aim to get your TSH around 1.

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