And its all because of this awful illness and the devastating effect in can have on the brain, specifically the memory.
My daughter told me a few weeks ago that she had had a smear test come back abnormal (she is only 25 and it was her first smear) and that the GP was sending her for further tests at the local hospital. I told her to tell me when her appt was and I would get the time off of work and go with her (she might be 25 but she's still my baby). A week later she told me that the appt was for the 14th of this month and what did her loving mother do? she promptly forgot.
Not only did I forget her appt I forgot every word about it. I forgot to check she was o.k. I forgot to support her emotionally and more importantly I totally forgot her appt yesterday. It is as though she had never had the conversation with me, as though someone had wiped my memory 20 seconds after the event - I didn't even tell my close friend (who I discuss EVERYTHING with).
So the outcome of my total brain malfunction was that my daughter went on her own, and to make matters worse it wasn't just an appt, it was to have a biopsy and laser treatment. She had no one there with her for support, no one there to comfort her and no one there to tell her things would be o.k. (I have tears in my eyes whilst typing this just thinking of her sitting in that hosp on her own). She isn't one for making a fuss so didn't phone to remind me about her appt as she knows I have had to cope with a lot of hosp appt of my own lately - from bone and heart scans to adrenal tests and endo appt - so she just went on her own.
To make me feel even worse about myself than I already do she has a grade 5 reading (whatever that means) but she did say that the scale went from 1 - 5 and the higher the reading potentially the more serious it is. They took a sample the size of a 2p piece - which the consultant said was larger than usual (more bloody guilt) and her results will be posted to her within a week or so.
Luckily for my daughter (but not for them) she has two friends going through exactly the same thing who have been there to support and advise her - good job really seeing as her mother is so useless - I only remembered when she phoned me at work to tell me about her biopsy and treatment.
So yet again this illness has you feeling low and hits home to you that it controls every aspect of your life whether you like it or not. A couple of times this week I have also answered questions on this site totally wrong (luckily there were others on here who corrected me) but they were stupid, silly mistakes which has me wondering if I should stop answering/advising/helping people on here but if I do that it will make me feel, not only more guilt for letting more people down, but that this disease has finally won and rendered me useless and I am determined not to let it turn me into some sort of jibbering wreck.
The only thing that really relieved my brain fog/memory was T3 but unfortunately for me it gave me heart issues and I had to stop taking it although others shouldn't get disheartened over this as I don't know many on here who have had a similar experiences, so there is help out there for most.
Have a nice day people.
Moggie x
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Moggie
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Oh Moggie! I'm so sorry! I've had same from my Mother and forgotten worse myself! I do feel for you it is awful to feel you let a loved one down well anyone really but it's not intentional and not with malice so totally understandable with this problem! You'll be there now for her! And be just as much a comfort in fact far more of a comfort than her friends I know! Xxx
no no no no, don't feel 'disgusted' please, I am SURE, ABSOLUTELY SURE your daughter knows how this was out of your control, she knows you love her, she knows you are tearing yourself apart for this 'accident' and she doesn't want you to. Please Moggie, don't do this to yourself, it hurts I know, I am a mother too, but please don't make it worse than it could be, she loves you xxx
I know! I am sorry! Really is just one of those awful things even though impossible to accept and never can be happy with. You take care of yourself too much love and prayers to you! Xxx
Remember it isn't you it is this illness. The very fact that you feel so guilty and upset shows the true person you are and I'm sure your daughter will know this.
It might be hard but don't get eaten up with the guilt - another symptom of this thing is that it can make us dwell on things too much! You need to be kind to yourself too if you are to be there for your daughter.
Have you thought of buying a large wall calendar and writing things, such as her appointment, on it in large red letters. Hang it by the kettle, or somewhere you look frequently.
If it's any consolation, my memory was always poor, but since I've been on thyroxine it is totally shot. I write myself notes and tell people to phone/email to remind me of everything and anything. It's awful, isn't it?
It's good that your daughter has her friends who help and support her. Try not to beat yourself up about it too much. I'm sure your daughter understands and you WILL be there to support her the rest of the way.
Got a huge calendar within inches of my nose (at work) but it wasn't as though I just forgot, it was that it never seemed to even enter the brain for it to be forgotten.
I, like most on here, have memory troubles and do as you do and write everything down but how can you write something down that your brain seems to know nothing about - not explaining this very well am I.
Thanks for your kind words - getting support from fellow sufferers means a lot.
I know exactly what you mean. Unless you write it down immediately it has completely gone. It can be quite scary sometimes. I console myself with the thought that it's medical not just my age.
Oh Moggie, I so understand what you say, and however much I tell you not to feel guilty I know you will, because that's all part and parcel of this hideous illness. But, on here we all understand how this can happen. I've seen what this horrible condition does to 2 members of my family, and it's the condition I'm angry about and the hopeless medical service in this country that makes me absolutely hopping MAD!!!
I don't blame them AT ALL. I love them as much as ever, and I'm sure your daughter is the same.
Please be kind to yourself, and remember there is an alien in your body.
Wishing your daughter all the VERY best, and huge hugs to you too.
I'm in tears as I read your post - I'm feeling very emotional this week anyway with all the ups and downs of this damn thyroid. I know exactly where you are with your memory. I can fully appreciate the fact that even if you write something down you just do not understand what it means when you read it. Things I write down don't even jog my memory anymore if that makes sense. Please don't beat yourself up too much.
Just wanted to send you a hug each for you and your daughter.
Please don't beat yourself up. It's not you it's this blessed thyroid disease!! Sometimes I feel like my brain works but I forget everything! I feel like I've got my intelligence sometimes and then when I'm not looking it disappears again. Only last night I was telling my son something and he said you've told me that three times in the last week. Oh no I am turning into my mother!!!!
Please don't stop giving advice on this site. You are very caring and give good advice. I do know what you mean though. I have been reading about this disease since 2003 and have learnt a lot but I still doubt myself when trying to help others. I know I know it but I don't think my brain stores it anymore, I think it stores all my knowledge in my toes and they are often numb!!
I expect that your daughter understands and knows that you care deeply. That probably won't stop you feeling guilty but that is because you are a good person.
That's exactly it - you know you know something but you doubt yourself or, as I have done a couple of times recently, your brain gives you the wrong information - doesn't do you any favours in the confidence stakes does it.
Maybe like you my knowledge has sunk down to my toes which, also like you, are always freezing.
Thanks for making me smile.
Moggie x
A big hug to you Moggie . You didn't mean to forget and I know your daughter will understand. You have been through a very rough time and it's terrible that you can't take T3. I have read what you've written on here recently about your own situation. I hope all goes well for both you and your daughter. She will be alright, because she will get the right treatment. love, jan x
PS have you tried armour? Personally I couldn't tolerate synthetic T3 and it made my heart pound. I find armour kinder and gentler.
...Dear Moggie - everyone has said so many beautiful things that you so deserve. Didn't know this thread was going on - I was watching the tennis from Rome ! Now who feels guilty ? I'm sure you have a wonderfully understanding daughter. My two daughters are in the UK and both undergoing horrendous problems at the moment and I am here in Crete. I do think as Mums we are always feeling guilty - think it comes with the umbilical cord and never leaves. Maybe think about your relationship with your Mum - I seem to remember we rarely discussed any problems in case we worried them - things are different today. Of course in some ways it is better. Just trying to help you look at things from a different perspective.
Sending you Love and HUGS and wishing you the very best of everything......xx
Thanks Marz - I couldn't even begin to understand how hard it is for you being in a different country when your daughters are unwell here. Sending love and hugs back to you and yours.
Hi Moggie, Please carry on giving your invaluable advice. You have helped me quite a bit. I have had to keep a Calendar and Diary for quite a few years now and my daughter stands over me when I write things in, just so I don't ask her more than once about an appointment. We all understand what this awful illness does to people and I'm sure your daughter does too. Many hugs from me to you. Janet.
You are human, you are ill, you must not be hard on yourself, yes your daughter is your baby and always will be, she knows you are there for her but can't always be. You need time out to get well. I don't live far from you I have discovered so if you want to meet for coffee sometime, a country walk, I too have two cats. I have struggled with thyroid and the psycological side of this for years but am doing really well now. Do you drive? Do you know the Corn Craft cafe, how about it some time.
Got to go out just now, but will be back tea-time so will check in.
Thank you very much for your kind words of support and the offer to meet up. There a quite a few people on here who are from our neck of the woods and I was only saying to one of those last week about a possible meeting for those in our surrounding area, but like everything in this thyroid world we live in putting myself up to organise it has left me feeling a bit daunted, especially as I work full time, have my four beautiful granddaughters every other weekend ALL weekend, which leaves me very limited free time. If you, or anyone else in our area, would like to help me organise a meet - with the view of a meeting once a month or something similar I would be up for that but to organise it on my own would be to much for me at the moment. I would like nothing better than to be sitting in the sunshine, drinking a nice cool glass of something whilst talking to fellow members (rose tinted glasses or what!!!).
Thank you once again for your kind words of support - is the Corn Craft Café on the way to Monks Eleigh?
yes it is Monks Eleigh. It would be good for a group of us to meet. Email me if you want anytime and be sure we all are thinking of you, you are not on your own.
Oh sorry to hear that Moggie. As others have said its all due to this horrible illness - I'm sure your daughter realises and understands. Hope your daughter is better soon. Xxxx
Hi Moggie, you have had many kind and wise words for me and I just wanted to let you know you're not alone on guilt trips, It does get better and it looks like a positive has come out of this. . .a meeting
Thanks for posting this- I have just joined today having been diagnosed with UAT about 3 months ago and the Doctors have constantly belittled what you so perfectly term as brain fog. It has affected my performance at work and I too have forgotten things in my daily life which have been very hard to explain to people. Hopefully your daughter will understand that this is not at all your fault and that she gets positive news when her results come in.
Yes the brain fog can be one of the hardest things to explain and cope with and what makes it harder is, even those close to you, don't really understand.
I struggle at work as well (I had to deal with figures all day) and wonder sometimes how much longer I can bluff my way through each day.
Sorry I didn't catch this thread - I could have written that about struggling at work & bluff, God knows why I moved to accounts!
I'm sure your daughter understands and hope she's OK.
My 2 daughters just think I'm getting daft. As for replying to questions at the moment, I'm struggling too, doubt has set in big time lately and I can't remember what I'm on about or find links, let alone trying to find the words to explain it.
Your replies are invaluable - even when your'e poorly!
Thank you very much for this Jane - the understanding about the site is also much appreciated as it can knock your confidence big time and you really start doubting yourself don't you.
Really wouldn't have associated the doubt thing with you though Jane as you always seem to sure and confident when you post answers. Just goes to show that we are all very vulnerable at times doesn't it.
Enormous hugs Moggie, can imagine how bad you feel, I'm sure your daughter will understand. She will just have to make sure she sees you put everything of importance on your calendar and then rings you up the night before to make sure you have remembered because if you are like me just because something is in your diary / on your calendar it doesn't mean you will remember it.
Yes she understands but it doesn't help the guilt - I told her last night she MUST remind and remind me again when she is next at the hosp so that I can go with her.
Please don't feel so bad. You forgot. When you have this terrible illness that's 'normal' for us. I'm sure you have been a great support to her in the past and she is, I'm sure, very glad to have a such a lovely mum as you.
I 'forgot' my son's new girlfriend's name and called her, twice, by his ex wife's name - it didn't go down well (he was only married for 18 months and was in a lot of pain, mentally).
On a lighter note, you have been such a great support and inspiration to me and loads of others on this site, for which I will always be grateful, so put this unfortunate incident behind you.
Thank you so much - not just for making me smile with the mixing up of names issue but for the kind words of encouragement regarding the site.
I suppose people do understand on here if you mess up an answer and don't just think you are talking out of your hat (nearly types something else then) but it does tend to knock your confidence when you have a run of them.
Hi Moggie. Had to reply as it's so sad to see a fellow sufferer feeling bad and so down. As a mother to a mother, I really understand how that must have felt.
You probably feel like the thyroid issues are just an "excuse" and you SHOULD have remembered. But it's not an excuse it's a reason, and there is a big difference.
Your intention was to be there for your daughter, if you had of remembered, you WOULD have been there!
Be kind to yourself, this illness robs us of enough - don't let it take your spirit too.
Moggie, completely understand. My daughter is a baby of 22 having a baby herself her partner works away and she has asked me countless times to go to appointments etc with her and the first couple of times I forgot and was mortified, absolutely eaten alive with guilt. How could I let my little girl (who already had a miscarriage and was so worried about this pregnancy) go through all this stuff on her own? So we had a long talk and I said to her, because of this stupid, stupid illness MY BRAIN IS CUSTARD. I asked her to nag and ring and remind me - daily - whether text, email, Facebook, phone - WHATEVER. I said please please don't think you are being a nuisance, because I would rather be nagged to death than forget. Your daughter loves you and is probably as worried about you as you are about her. She knows this totally out of character and not something you would ever ever have done out of thoughtlessness or just not caring. Talk to your girl and comfort each other. It'll be OK. Xxxxxx
Thank you so much for your comments - it doesn't make me feel any better to know that others are in the same boat and doing the same stupid things as me but it does help to push it home to me that it wasn't my fault.
I hope your daughter and her pregnancy continue to bloom and you will soon be cuddling a beautiful grandchild.
Aww Moggie, hugs, your definitely not on you own with this. I'm sure daughter understands toot illness, and you can tell her any other appt she must ring you to remind you as your memory is crappy at mo.
I used to remember all families appts but now I've TOLD family don't rely on me to remember, as even if they tell me the day before, they now have to ring me again an hr before cos its like cotton wool head. Lol
I try n make a joke of it, but I really get upset like you.
I'll tell you a funny story of my cotton wool head. I dropped mum at veg shop went up rd to turn around and wait for her. I turned car around drove straight past shop and drove up to visit mums house.
I got out of the car, no thought of mum waiting by shop. Oops
It was only when I put key in the door I thought I wonder if she's in. Oh heck, flustered I went back picked her up, she just wondered where is gone. She's 86 bless her, and remembers more than me.
My nan once forgot my brother, who was a very young baby. She left him outside the butchers shop. She came all the way home without him and my mum went ballistic - "where's my baby" she asked - results was two frantic women running back to the shops. He was still outside the butchers happily chuckling away to himself. My nan didn't even have thyroid troubles. Don't think my mum ever trusted her again.lol.
I have just read your posting and wanted to say this dreaded thyroid condition brings the brain fog and woolly heads for many of us. This instance might make you smile:-
I went to have a dentist appointment yesterday in the car. I came out after the visit and walked the short distance home and wondered why the car had disappeared from our driveway?? Panic/horror??...... until I remembered that I had left the car parked outside the dental practice in the village. Now how stupid is that??!!
Please, please don't beat yourself up. If you have stressed to your daughter that she must remind you of her next appointment then the pressure will be taken off you and this incident won't ever happen again.
I have 2 calendars in view and I need to keep checking them or I would miss many important appointments. Gone are the days of remembering everything for myself and the family. I accept those days are long gone and so hence the calendars and many notes I make daily.
We have sunshine here for a change, I hope that your day is sunny too Moggie.
Be kind to yourself today and be happy. Sending warm gentle hugs to you and your daughter.
Thanks you so much for your kind words and yes I to have sunshine today, in more ways than one, as I have sorted things with my daughter and feel a lot better about myself.
I just felt that this horrible, horrible illness had taken over my life (had lots and lots of hosp and GP's appt lately) and had pushed everything else, including my daughter, out.
Hope you enjoyed the walk BACK to pick up your car.lol.
moggie- its the hidden cost of this condition turn your feelings into coping mechanisms-not sorry and have a belief that so long as you are working on it-IT will be alright in the end i feel for you love and peace-m
Not best pleased to treck back into the village........ I won't do that again in a hurry (I hope!!) but just hugely relieved nothing nasty had happened to the car. I kept chuntering to myself at how stupid I was to have done such a thing in the first place, but with a brain fog day I know that anything can happen, and it usually does......grrrhhh!!!!
Well done Moggie for sorting things out with your daughter and it must feel like a weight is taken off your shoulders. Move forward and give yourself a pamper time and be happy!
Me too. Saves having to fill in an insurance claim form and admitting that I had forgotten that I had actually driven the car to the dentist...... ooops!
Would have been worse had you gotten a bus back home.lol. This has got me wondering if there is something we do/eat/take that causes these awful brain fog days. I know we have brain fog every day and our memories are awful BUT some days are definitely a hell of a lot worse than others. On my "bad days" I can hardly function.
I once forgot my two sons who I had left with my Mother in law while I was a work . I fell asleep on the bus and took myself all the way home several miles away. Then when I got home and it was all quiet the penny dropped. I had to get the bus all the way back to mum in laws and was 2 hours late. Fortunately she was understanding, I just had to say I was feeling unwell and had nipped home first. I also left my son in his pushchair outside woolworths top door and went out the bottom door went in the next shop and had to run back quickly. Fortunately they have both grown up now and come to no harm thank goodness. But my memory isn't much better now.
I always apologise
for not remembering people's names by saying "God didn't give me much memory If I hadn't had my own name for such a long while I would have forgotten it by now."
Guilt is no good for you, just blame the brain. It's not you it's just your brain on a go slow.
They all know you love them and they are probably used to you by now.
I really feel for you - brain fog is one of the most frustrating symptoms of this condition. I'm sure your daughter understands that you didn't forget on purpose and that you care deeply about her health, it's only your own health problems sort of got in the way. Is there another family member or friend who could remind you when her next appointment is, in case she doesn't remind you herself? I have to keep saying to people "you'll have to remind me - I'll forget!" every single time they tell me anything. I used to be fairly intelligent, very organised and efficient, and now I'd struggle to pass the entrance test for a village idiot. . .
Please don't beat yourself up about it (easier said than done, I know). One of the joys of motherhood is constant guilt (the "tooth fairy" - me - forgot to put a coin under my 5 year old son's pillow when he lost a tooth and he was really upset. He's 20 now and I still feel awful about it) but our children are remarkably resilient and forgiving, especially as they know our quirks and foibles so well. And please don't even think about withholding your advice and comments from the forum - you've been so helpful to so many of us and we'd all miss you!
Sending lots of hugs to you and your daughter, and hope you both feel much better soon xx
Thank you so much for your kind words - the support people give each other on this site is so valuable. As you can see I have had so many kind messages which have helped me no end and have helped me to put the situation into some perspective.
I feel sad for you, Moggie, that you feel so bad. It's very hard to accept that we are not to blame when things like this happen, but the reality is that we are victims. If we were all being treated right, we would not have these lapses. Your daughter sounds very understanding and I am sure that next time she will give you a ring to remind you.
It's easy to talk, I know, but we must remember that the past cannot be changed, and the more we dwell on the past, the more likely we are to screw up the present. And then have more still to regret!
You are a lovely person who is ready and willing to support those who need it - and I am absolutely certain that your daughter knows that.
The memory problem can drive you insane. Yesterday I went to put some washing in the machine and found the last lot I put in there, still damp.
I am sure that you have had plenty of hugs but here's one from me too.
I have always thought the brain fog is one of the hardest symptoms of this illness to come to terms with. When people ask me to describe it I try by likening it to the early stages of Alzheimer's but people never quite get it. When you are in a shop and getting in a muddle with money or cant remember the pin number that you have had for the last two years the shop assistance just looks at you like you have two heads and must be wondering who let you out on your own.lol.
Thanks you for your support - this site is worth its weight in gold when the emotions get to much.
Thank you so much for being brave enough to share this. I have had moments where my daughter, now 34, has told me something and it is as if it has been totally wiped from my memory. I now write everything down and have to make a real effort to remember to check what is happening with her. It is such a relief to hear it could be the thyroid or thyroxine and not just me being a bad, self obsessed person! The care and love you have for your daughter shines through your words and I'm sure she knows that, and you can persuade her to remind you in future.
I really empathise Moggie, this is indeed an awful illness we have. Why doesnt the medical profession do something about it - it is ruining lives in so many ways. Brain fog is one of the worst symptoms in my opinion - you struggle to remember things, retain things and then talk about things and it is so frustrating not to be able to do so. I too have sounded a gibbering wreck on here so I do understand that. I do hope your daughter understands and just how much you love her. My family think I'm just being "old" and some insensitive friends have suggested I check for Alzheimers! So yes I agree, this is one place where others "will" understand and take this thyroid condition seriously and compassionately. I do wish you and your daughter all good wishes for the future Moggie. x
This will be the sixth time I have tried to answer you kind comment Pettals - lets hope my thanks gets through this time. This site has definitely got its own thyroid issues today.
You shouldn't feel bad, there's a reason for it and I'm sure your daughter understands this. I have forgotten that family members are pregnant before and feel so bad. I've also recently taken to starting to drive off when my son is still getting his things out of the boot of the car, just totally forgetting he's there! I know this is different but the point is we can't control what we can remember, especially when we're trying to remember and deal with so much.
What you need to think about is what a good mum you are for caring and feeling guilty because you forgot! There's plenty of mums that don't even care in the first place, believe me!
I hope all is well, I've had friends in your daughters situation and it's all been ok so stay positive.
Hope is all well with you and yes I know she has got a good chance of it all being o.k. although I didn't know at the time I wrote the blog, so I was upset on both counts really. Firstly that she was having to go through it and secondly because, due to my terrible brain fog, she went through it alone.
Hi Moggie, I have only just caught up with this thread and read some of the compassionate and loving comments. There are SO many people who really understand your feelings and it is so encouraging to see the way in which everyone holds you in their love.. Join all the love together and there is a huge circle of love around you and around your daughter too.
On an encouraging note, one of our daughters has just finished treatment for an abnormal smear test. Her twin sister went with her for the first visit when the biopsy was taken but on the second visit, she said the treatment was so straightforward, she insisted on going by herself. She then caught the bus home across London, went to bed and went back to work the next day. The original smear test said the problem was CIN 5, but actually when the biopsy came back, it was only CIN I to 2. According to the doctor, that is quite a common occurrence and nobody is quite sure why it happens.
Your daughter just needs to look at this site to be begin to understand how mortified you were at forgetting and how many other people there are who have similar problems. I forgot my dental check-up three times in a row and was nearly struck-off, but thankfully I was given another chance.
Thanks you so much Sally - yes people on here have been very supportive and extremely kind as always. You can really rely of fellow sufferers to know exactly where you are coming from and understand fully what you are going through.
Thanks for your kind words - especially the bit about the circle of love (brought a lump to my throat)
Dearest Moggie, just read your story with tears now in my eyes ( actually streaming down my face now!) as I feel exactly the same about this horrible disease. I have two beautiful teens and I feel I am just not the mum they deserve at the moment and don't know when I will be ever again. We must remember our kids love us regardless and they do understand what we are going through.
You are the first person who came to my rescue on this site and you already have a special place in my heart.
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