Needing to talk: I wonder if anyone willing to... - IBS Network

IBS Network
28,486 members9,859 posts

Needing to talk

Roukaya
Roukaya

I wonder if anyone willing to talk

I realise IBS is brought on stress and diet and also is anyone worried about the CoronaVirus

Today feeling sad

I am close to giving up

I think trying after a twenty year absence is too hard and finding a job after such a long time breaks me

As I am fifty I think I may need to try something else what I do not know

44 Replies
oldestnewest

Perhaps you need to start something new. Perhaps put the past behind you and do something completely different.

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Maureen1958

Good morning

Thank you for advice

I can understand why you suggest I find something else as clearly my struggle makes my unhappy

But my reasons in wishing to pursue elderly care law go deeper than just finding a job

I cared for an elderly and vulnearable adult and he died two years ago

I now have failed my exams by a few marks and I struggle to find work experience

But as I volunteer at Age UK I would like to provide an affordable legal service for the elderly which bridges the gap between a charity and the costs of expensive lawyers

When I saw the trainee with a great life ahead of her this made me so sad but her expertise come at a high cost and not all clients can have this kind of advice

This is where I would come in if I could pass my exams and find a years work experience and then set up a little law practice with links to Age U.K. dedicated to the provision of elderly legal services at an affordable ci

I truly believe in this but failing the exams and struggling to find a work placement and dealing with a demanding Mother make my life hard

I hope you can understand

Maureen1958
Maureen1958
in reply to Roukaya

Yes, I understand (but you must look after yourself too).

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Maureen1958

I try but I get tiered

The only way to beat chronic issues is to work around them and not let them get to you. Everyday while a fight is how you push back the issues related to IBS and chronic gut issues. I have spent over 20 years battling my issues, stress, etc. Wake up everyday wondering if I will make it though the day. The is a stress snowball. You should not allow it to win. Try new things. walk, get in small work outs to reduce stress. Go see new Dr's that might have new ideas.

Never stop fighting.

There are plenty of us with the same issues your not alone.

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to bburzycki

Good morning

Thank you for your reply

Thank you for saying I am not alone

I think I will need to understand what is causing so much unhappiness

I think after caring for my Father whilst I was in my forties and now having to start again I find overwhelming

I have a Mother who lives overseas who can be demanding and as I dealt with my Father I find it increasingly harder to cope with her

I volunteer at Age UK and eventually I would like to pass the exams and find a years experience and become my own person

I think I had the strength to believe I could open a community based legal practice for the elderly in Derby this would be a worthwhile aim

But I struggle to pass as I have marginally failed the resit plus it is the sheer determination to find a years experience which I lack

I hope you have the strength to continue through your day

Kind Regards

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Roukaya

You have a wealth of knowledge and are only 50 don't you dare give up on this ! You have so much to give to others

Looking after parents is exhausting and if your mother lives abroad and can be demanding no wonder you feel the way you do

You are definitely not alone

Please think about YOU a bit more and go for your dream

This Corona virus remember we are all in the same boat all worrying but we must try and be positive

Start the first day of the rest of your life today look for the simple pleasures in life You are young and have a gift I wish you so much luck

Take lots of care xx

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Good Morning

I thank you greatly for your kind and understanding words

How are you coping

I can say there are days I can cope and days unable to cope

As I said I volunteer at Age UK and yesterday I attended the legal advice surgery

There I work shadowed a trainee solicitor very good a dispensing clear and accurate specialist advice for a husband and wife elderly parents

Her advice very good but she came at a charge as she works for a big firm in Derby

I came home very sad and very upset looking at someone half my age and working

However after a sleepless night I spoke to the Samaritans who made me understand I should not let my past failures characterise my present day thought process

I also understood yesterday the impotence if providing a specialist legal service which is affordable

I also saw that not every one can afford expensive lawyers and this is where I would come in

I would like to pass the resit and fine 9 months work experience and then set up my own community based legal practice which would bridge the gap between AGe U.K. which is a charity which gives free practical advice and provide affordable specialist legal help for the elderly

I think this is what I learnt yesterday

I thank you immensely for telling me not to give up

I am also reliant on a rental income from a small flat as the tenants are leaving me in April this again causing me anxiety as I am not working

I think yesterday got me really thinking and I would to be linked with AgE UK and develop community based links to a practice which cared about the financial constraints of clients

I know when I had to deal with my Fathers Estate I never thought Zi could cope but I did out of sheer determination

The answer is not to return to Mauritius but to bite the bullet

Despite the overwhelming and demanding nature of my Mother

How are you coping with your daughter and Mother

Also as I have been out of work for do long I get a little shocked when I see others working

I did go to Kew Gardens Last Week as I love Flowers

If you can try to go out and see the beauty of nature

I wish you all the best with your daughter and Mother

I thank you again

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Roukaya

I'm so glad that you spoke to the Samaritans and they gave you such good advice

No never give up think what you have to offer you are amazing and you can do it

Our son had 2 suicide attempts but has now turned his life around and has so much to live for and is happy and at peace

You are young you have skills

Your flat I'm sure will be snapped up

Please please love yourself more and know how precious you are

You can and will do this

I'm fine I cope and enjoy life I look for simple pleasures every day

I do lots of relaxation there are beautiful videos on YouTube

Take care keep me posted and I have no doubt you will succeed

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Dear Cat 33

Thank you for taking the time to answer me as I know you have your own life to lead

Thanks also for being very honest about your son

I do not feel suicidal but I think lacking in motivation to continue with the studies and work experience applications

I really need to be more determined and have self confidence

I actually bought two books yesterday on confidence and resilience

I am pleased that your son turned his life around again very important to have a life worth living and to strive towards finding our own version of what makes us happily

I will be hearing from a Cognitive Behavioural therapist next week to pinpoint and find ways to cope with life when life gets tough

Important to make the best of ourselves

I think by talking this morning to the Samaritans she made me understand that it would be better to be my own person and shape my business ideals once I am able to pass and find a years work experience

This is the stumbling block I need to get over passing the exams and finding a years work experience

Once in place I would aim to set up a small legal practice and apply the business skills I once had in managing my Fathers property portfolio

The skills are there I have to dig very very dip to bring them out

I thank you again for your kind words of encouragement and understanding

This is very much appreciated

Kind Regards

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Roukaya

Just going out of the door so will reply when I get back this afternoon xx

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Roukaya

I wish you so much luck and hope that you follow your dream I'm sure you will What a wealth of knowledge you must have

I'm glad you feel clearer about things after talking to the Samaritans

I have had CBT it's great and I'm sure you will get a lot of support and motivation from it

I'm excited for you

One thing I have always found helpful for was to keep a diary Do you keep one ? Also to write down 3 things you are grateful for each day

I hope you will keep me posted on your progress

All the very very best

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Dear Cat33

I hope you are well

I thank you for replying

I will continue to try despite the hurdles I seem to face

I have a habit of giving up easily and I think I will need to try harder and believe in myself more

I bought two books on Resilience and Self Confidence

The vision is there but putting into practice by attempting the resit and finding a years work experience

Thank you telling me to do mindfulness and meditation

Prayers can also be a form of meditation

By seeing a Psychologist this can help to calm me down and rationalise my anxiety

You have been kind enough to answer and I wish you well

I will keep in touch

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Roukaya

Just take it one day at a time The CBT will be so good I'm sure you will get comfort and motivation from it

Have you ever tried Mindfulness ? I have been on 2 courses and it's so lovely it teaches you to live in the moment I practice it every day

I recently found a technique called Havening on YouTube it has really helped me it's very calming Very simple but effective the Paul McKenna one is good it only takes a few minutes

Dr Claire Weeks is my lifeline her books are wonderful so many people recommend her on this forum too She has videos on YouTube

I hope you have a happy Sunday and that the new week will bring you peace hope and determination to go forward now to achieve all you want to

Take care and I'm always here to listen

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Cat33

I found the Samaritan's very helpful when I reached out to them back in October.

It sounds like you have a wonderful vision for what you would like to do but are finding it hard to keep going in the face of all the practical obstacles - money, health, the demands of your mother, the difficulty of the exams. I home educated my two kids, and the second one went to a good college for the first year of A-levels. One thing I learned from that is that there are a lot of tricks that teachers use to make sure their students get the best possible exam marks, things that are not about the students being able to reason intelligently or have a good, broad understanding of the subject they are supposed to be learning but just about being prepared for the exact questions that are likely to be asked. It might be worth talking with a private tutor who is an expert in the exam you want to take - a few sessions with them might make a big difference; you might even be able to find one who would like to support your vision for helping elderly people and is willing to be paid a reduced rate for their time. They might even have ideas about the work experience. I'm not suggesting it's a good idea not to learn what you will need to know throughly! You want to be able to help people effectively after passing the exam, after all. But what you are asked to learn for an exam may not be the same as what you will actually need to know in the work you want to do.

I loved Cat's reply to you, I think doing relaxation or meditation and finding simple pleasures is really important, when I spend time being aware of my body and acknowledge that everything is actually pretty ok for me right now, it helps me not be drowned by all my fears and worries about the future.

Dear lesgobdsfydd

Thank you for your understanding

It seems you understand my situation better than me

Very impressed with your high level of understanding

I have found a course tutor who has agreed to provide private tuition and I am waiting for her to provide me some exam type scenarios as well as old exam papers

I passed law back in 2000 but did not obtain the practical training to become a Solicitor

But by caring for an elderly parent I understood the need for what I would like to do

I have actually failed the exam several times which are borderline failures

I expect seeing the young trainee solicitor made me feel sad but I understand my path is not the same as other

I hope to try to focus as I am easily distracted by an overpowering Mother

who will tell me of all her problems

I could go back and settle permanently in Mauritius but deep down this would make me sad

I should learn to cope with the practical hurdles that I face

In fact my own religion teaches me this very principle that we are always being tested

I expect having failed the exam several times and the struggle to find work experience not even a job fuels my inability to believe in myself

I am thankful for your kind advice

I expect you have been an excellent Mother and a Mentor to your children as you have been able to steer them in the right direction

Thank you

Your description of my situation has really made me see myself clearly

Thank you

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Iesgobdafydd

Hello lesgobadafydd

Just read your response to Roukaya it was a brilliant one and offering such great advice that I don't have the knowledge to offer

Thank you for mentioning my post

I really hope we can give lots of support and he can achieve his goals

Best wishes to you

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Dear Cat33

I am very appreciated that you have been kind enough to offer support

I would like to explain that I am actually female and not male

I am beginning to understand a little more the skills and mental ability that is needed

Kind Regards

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Roukaya

Oh I'm so sorry I wasn't sure as I couldn't tell from your name or post Glad I know now

So pleased for you I know you will be very happy xx

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Roukaya

International Women's Day a great starting place for you to follow your dream xx

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Dear Cat

I wish you all the best in all that you do

I am thankful that you take the time to talk and listen to me given your present commitments

I decided to go out for a day trip to Birmingham to see another part of the Midlands

I realise that I gave a great of myself to my Father and this is why I am beginning to see where I need to start

I think by giving gratitude for what we have is important as this in my case helps alleviate the feelings of inadequacy and sadness

I am aware my Mother can be overpowering and overwhelming and may be after Dad she is the only parent left

I also believe the realisation that potentially we can try to make a better life for ourselves only happens if we have the self belief and determination to make this a reality

I understand too well I face so many hurdles

I think I see how I can overcome such obstacles is essential to remove myself from my current situation

In life I have understood not to listen to others put downs and very hurtful remarks but to take pride in our self worth

This is something I am working on

I try to create a peaceful and calm little world and then the boat is swayed by my Mothers worries

There was a time we were fighting to save everything as my Father was involved with a younger woman

The inheritance I once took for granted was almost being given to a gold digger

It was through my own intelligence that I managed to protect my Fathers finances and salvage something for me and mum

But a much reduced inheritance

But still I have to be thankful for what I manage to save

I worry and get anxious but I should learn to realise I have a basis by which to build upon

I will always be sad when I see those that have caters in a field which I hold dear but I will have to try very hard to find someone willing to give me a work placement and pass these exams

But in the words of Madonna In the face of resistance I will continue to try

I wish you well and thank you for listening

You kind words make a real difference

Happy Woman’s day

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Roukaya

Hello Roukaya

I'm so glad you had a nice day out I love the area all round Birmingham the countryside is beautiful and lots of places to visit

I think you have had so much to deal with and you need to be kinder to yourself and also be proud of how you have dealt with everything it must have been a really upsetting experience with the younger woman trying to get her hands on your fathers money

Volunteering as you do is a great thing to do and I'm sure you make a big difference to a lot of people

I hope you find a happy work placement and pass your exams

I'm very happily retired now and loving life and I always want to see peolpe live a happy and fulfilled life too

I hope you have a good week

I have realised that we haven't really talked about IBS !! I just get anxiety IBS but I'm getting better and my CBT helped a lot

How does it affect you ?

Take care and nice to chat to you x

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Dear Cat 33

Thank you for your reply

I hope you had a peaceful and successful day

The IBS that I have is triggered by anxiety or if I have a great worry

Diet and coping with anxiety helps me manage IBS

I hope you enjoy your retirement and make the best of every day

My Mother will be coming to visit from the middle of March until middle of April

She can be supportive but demanding

I Am thankful that you take the time to listen and talk

I wish you a peaceful and successful week ahead

Kind Regards

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Roukaya

That's exactly how it affects me and I have to manage it with relaxtion and diet too

Yes retirement is wonderful we have 3 sons and 1 grandson plus one dog "grandson " who we get to look after quite a bit and is a joy

We fill every day with nice things and places to visit

I have 2 voluntary jobs one in a school and one helping to arrange lifts for people who are unable to get to hospitals doctors etc appointments it's very rewarding

Our eldest son and family went to Mauritius just before Christmas and thought it was stunning

I hope that you can enjoy your time with your mother and you have a happy time

Have a happy week

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Dear Cat 33

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement

Life can get lonely and that’s why I go on day trips

You also do worthwhile and rewarding volunteering jobs

I am pleased that you listen and have the time to talk

Kind Regards

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Roukaya

Dear Roukaya

I can understand how you may feel lonely at times and I'm glad you go on day trips

Yes I do feel my jobs are worthwhile I love being with children and also when I sort out a job for someone who would have great difficulty getting to an appointment it's a great feeling

I am always here to listen so if I don't reply straight away I will do as soon as possible

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Dear Cat 33

Thank you for listening

I may have a vision but I am times overwhelmed with the worries of my Mother

I appreciate the time and understanding you have shown to me and I realise I should learn how balance my own life with that of my Mother

I expect because I took care of my Father I am always worried about the welfare of my Mother

However I was in Mauritius for three months last year and previously again

I realise that I will need to regroup and refocus but whenever I try I am overwhelmed with the demands of my Mother

I will always do the best for her but at times I find her worries too much

Also she is supportive but also a vulnerable person

I expect I must learn to always be there for her but try to create my own life but I struggle

This is why I go out

I do not wish to overload you with my worries

Kind Regards

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Roukaya

You must think of yourself too

My mother was a very difficult and demanding person and I always felt I had to look after her as it was my duty

If you don't take care of you you can't take care of her

You are entitled to a life too

I hope you can find a balance and peace

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Dear Cat33

Thank you for your reply

I realise you have your own responsibilities and life and I thank you for having the time to listen

I think I should try to realise this is a site for IBS and the emotional anxieties go give rise to IBS

I do not wish to take your kind understanding for granted as I have experienced many rejections from many people I have met who have told me bluntly not to bother them with my worries This will explain why I lead such an insular life

This is why I appreciate your time and I appreciate your understanding

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Dear Cat 33

I hope you have a peaceful and rewarding week ahead

I simply realise now what makes me happy and unhappy and I recognise this

I think just doing what we can to the best way we can should alleviate our anxieties

Kind Regards

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Dear Cat

Thank you for putting me in touch with the health food forum

I thank you for your kind words of encouragement

I think I will take life step by step and try to have more self confidence and self belief

I think you have said many kind words which is truly appreciated

I have an understanding in what can cause good moods and low moods

I hope today went well for you

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Roukaya

Dear Cat 33

Thank you

I would like to explain that I live very much on my own and I try to cope with my own responsibilities but the worries of my Mother at time overwhelm me

This is always what troubles me

I will need to be there for my Mother but at the same time try to take responsibility for my own well being

I thank you for taking time to listen to me with your replies

Kind Regards

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Roukaya

Dear Cat 33

I cannot begin to thank you for recommending me to the healthy eating forum

I know now why I tend to over eat and eat the wrong foods

Recognition is the first step in tacking the problem

I fact our own religion tells us to be be mindful of what we eat

I wish you a very good day and a successful week

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Roukaya

Hello Roukaya

I do hope that you are well

Your posts sounded much more positive each time

Hope that your week is going well

Take care

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Dear Cat 33

Thank you for asking

I hope you are ok

There are times I try and I notice get tired mentally

Also I understand more the nature of volunteering for Age UK in realising the problems of the elder community

Howrver I would like to find a work experience placement in Wills and Probate which will need a lot of applications before any one will consider me

I think also realising I am very much alone except for a Mother who lives oversezs

Also I am aware I suffer from anxiety and this is made worse by her anxities

But by volunteering at Agd UK I am beginning to understand this more

She will be travelling from Mauritius to Dubai and Birmingham

I will worry for her

I am thankful that you have asked about me

I wish you a good week ahead

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Dear Cat

I hope you are well

I have seen and noticed that you have decided not keep in contact

If you find that I have troubled you too much you could have said

I am quite used to being discarded and excluded

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to Roukaya

Hello Roukaya

No you certainly didn't trouble me

I hope that you are feeling a lot more positive now and have a good week

Your work with the elderly at the moment with the virus must be invaluable

I hope that I gave you support last weekend

Take lots of care stay safe

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to Cat33

Dear Cat 33

Thank you for reply

bburzycki
bburzycki
in reply to bburzycki

Motivation is always the most difficult step. I face that same issue daily. Why get up when you hurt all day, why get up when you know there will be issues, why get up when every Dr. has told you you just fine and you want to strangle them.

I deal with wins and losses. I had to come to terms with my wins and losses being different than others as in when I have a friend that goes to Antarctica and he calls that a win, I call getting a haircut a win. Or making it to work (as being trapped in a car with gut issues is a nightmare, yet I love driving.

I use lists, I list out my challenges and then try to do a couple a week, that way there is always forward motion. I do not list normal things but things I am uncomfortable doing or I know will be a huge challenge in the perspective of gut issues or personal goals.

Do not become like me, complacent with feeling terrible or worse, so used to it that your not sure you even want to feel good again because you have forgotten how it even feels.

We all have goals, find similar people you can vent with, or a walking partner, or anything. Just start doing something to not let IBS, gut issues, or your own limitations continue to limit your ability to get out and live. We are close in age, I feel like I have lost 20 years of my life, I refuse to let that happen any longer.

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to bburzycki

Thank uo

Roukaya
Roukaya
in reply to bburzycki

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response

I think as I studied and passed my exams twenty years ago and I did not obtain the practical training I use very damaging self talk to myself which stops me from moving forward

If I were to go back to Mauritius I would say goodbye to my aspirations

But I think I will try to pass with the help of a Private Course a Tutor and start to apply for work experience

I am easily distracted with my own pressures which again can be destabilising

I think I agree with what you have said

It is possible to accomplish our goals in my case in tiny little steps

Our own religion teaches us that life is a test and life requires continuous effort even in tiny steps

I wish you success in creating a better life for yourself

Thank you for your understanding and willing to listen

Cat33
Cat33
in reply to bburzycki

I know this isn't a reply to me but reading your post has been a big help

Wishing you a good week

IBSNetwork
IBSNetworkAdministrator

Hi there,

Sorry to hear you're struggling.

We are here to help and support. theibsnetwork.org. If you need us please get in touch.

You may also like...