When ever I think about my own death, I think about the house full of stuff our 3 daughters will have to deal with. I suspect that most of our furniture is too old fashioned, you know, things that were meant to last forever! LOL
But I'm having a hard time with my clothing! I lost alot of weight because of my intestinal blockage and surgery to fix it. It's been easy to sort out the clothes that are 2, 3, or even 4 sizes to big for me and donate them to Goodwill. But how many shirts, trousers, sweaters, dresses do I need. We do laundry about twice a week My husband teases me about my shoes.
What do you think is a reasonable number of jeans, other trousers, shirts, blouses, sweaters, shoes, bras, do others think is reasonable?
I remember when my mother died! My brother and I went thru her down-sized home and sorted into throw away, give away, one or the other of us keep, give to my daughter. We laughed alot about unfinished knitting that we found tucked into all sorts of places. One of her close friends didn't have much income and we gave her mom's winter coat and a couple of other things. The things that are most precious to me include a cherry wood twin bed that mom got when she was young, my grandm wsother's bread knife and a couple of cast iron pans. I wonder what our kids will treasure! They've already told me that they don't want any of our vases. Yesterday I spent about 2 1/2 hours upstairs in our house, going thru papers, clothes. I found a letter the wife of one of my long ago supervisors, a real mentor to me, responding to a letter I sent her when I learned he'd died. It was very sweet! made me cry a litttle, just as I'm doing now. I ended up with a very big box of paper to burn: old bills, business letters, junk mail. I pulled out pictures of a few friends and relatives. I have a small box of small rocks I've found over the years. I wish I'd gathered a rock from everyplace I've lived. But that would just add to the stuff I'm sorting thru!
Love to all. I'd really like to hear how others go about this.
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PJBinMI
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hi , I know exactly what you mean , I feel the same , I have sorted, cupboards , drawers , wardrobes , letters , I went through a really stressful time worrying about everything that will be left when I am not , I even thought about , my old bras and nickers lol 😆 I didn’t want anyone seeing my untidy bedroom , my messy junk cupboard , I had to get some medication off the doctor to calm me down , I couldn’t believe I was worrying about things like that , when I am going through MBC in lungs , trying g to keep well and survive , I am much better now , I still think about things but not like I did , I try to take things easy and focus on important things rather than domestic and material stuff , I take a daily antidepressant , it helps me so much , I am much more relaxed , I have bought new underwear lol 😆 😆😆
Thank you for your heart felt response! It's soo good to know I'm not the only one. I have new underwear, too. I love jockey cotton briefs, in most of the colors of my jeans and other pants! Throwing away some of the old panties was hard, lol! I think I am going to sort other clothes based on size and what I love! Today I'm wearing a light blue shirt with pink, green, white and dark blue abstract design. I really love this shirt! lol
I recently went through my clothing and got rid of everything that is more than one size for fitting. That way, if I add or drop a few pounds I have something to wear . BUT if I add or drop more , then I can treat my self to some. New clothes!
Yep It’s a constant nagging in my mind. I too bought new underwear for the same reason as Liessie2014. I took so many trousers to Goodwill and still have about 17 pairs left. That’s a combination of capris and jeans. Still trying to pair down but I look at blouses that I haven’t worn for years and think but they’re still good. I comfort myself thinking whoever deals with it can just swoop them up off the hangars and they’re done. My friend in Scotland just took old jewelry that she knows her kids won’t want and they gave her 245 pounds to melt it down. I don’t have valuable pieces so that’s not my problem. I ordered my husband a toy dinky double decker bus a few days ago from EBay a replica of the bus he used to ride from Watford to St Albans in the Uk and I thought, this is not decluttering. I think he’ll love it and he’s 81 so it’s the little pleasures in life. My paperwork is mostly sorted as we got a small safe with folders and our Will and all documents lie therin. We’ve paid for the cremation and the house is sorted so our son will just have to deal with the remnants of our life and I’m sure he’ll be fine. I have it on my list to retrieve the large box under my bed and check out the hundreds of shoes as I’ll never wear heels again. Our furniture is mostly Scandinavian but I’m not sure what if anything he’ll want to keep. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Lol. But it’s old now. I still have my Mum’s bread knife and a tea cozy that I use every day. Thanks for making me think Pam! Hugs Chris
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! We have our wills, passports, marriage license, etc in a lock box that is supposed to resist fire for at least five hours....it's one of the things I would grab if we had to evacuate. I've arranged to donate my body to the major cancer center where I go for second opinions--makes me feel better about no longer being able to donate blood! When they are done with my body. it will be cremated and returned to my family. Cheap way to deal with that! I can't wear heels either, just orthotic shoes that are boring and not especially stylish. Wish I could wear sandals, but they slide too much. This living in an agi ng body isn't what I thought it would be!
I need to do what your doing. I am 69. I could pass away for lots of reasons not nessessarily breast cancer. Especially I need to go thru all the boxes we have of family pictures from both sides.
Years ago I sent a shoe box size filled with photos to scan my photos.com. Back then it was about $100 but I see for1,800 photos it’s $220. An individual photo is 0.13c. Now they’re all on a dvd which funny enough we watched a couple of nights ago. Played it on the tv. Great to see 40 plus years on a slide show. Chris
From what I read there’s a minimum of approximately 325 photos or $40. The larger amount includes free shipping but I didn’t check any further. There’s an online chat or you can call. Im not sure if there are other services but we were pretty happy with what we got. It certainly cut down on a lot of clutter but my current Lenovo doesn’t have a disc drive so we used the DVR though I just remembered the laptop does.
My sister's laughed at all my clothes the 1st time they came to my new house a couple of years ago. I guess that was my sign to part with some items. 🤣
I'm glad I'm not the only person here who knows I need to sort my Stuff sooner rather than later. The best book by far on how to actually do it is "Swedish Death Cleaning"--and despite the title, it made me smile so many times and helped me to not beat myself up about how much stuff I've accumulated in 76 years. I can wholeheartedly recommend the book.
It's an amazing book--don't worry about it becoming clutter--I suspect it will just get passed along to older friends (like I'll do with mine when I finish shedding Stuff) who will in turn pass it on. It's one of those books....
I just remembered something that worked really well for me: I did searches for charities that would send a van to pick up donations. It made all the difference in my decision to attempt something difficult first--sorting books to give away. They're SO HEAVY. But once I'd packed each banker's box and labeled it, nice young guys came in and cheerfully hauled them out to the van. It felt like hundreds of pounds lifted off my shoulders as they drove away.
So glad you brought this up! Some days everything seems too precious to get rid of and other days it's much easier. Go figure. With clothing - I've decided that I will only keep a limited number of things in the sizes I don't want to be. Not sure that is working though, because then sometimes I have to buy again.
One thing that is working is my commitment to get rid of one bag of stuff a week - donation or trash. Things are starting to thin out.
We were cleaning our my father-in-law's place after he died. I decided to keep a little basket. So my daughter says, "So, you want me to get rid of this later?' My reply was, "Yes."
PJBinMI ,I too am bothered about the mess I will leave behind.
My husband tells me not to worry about it but he honestly has no idea about the magnitude of the job to get rid of unnecessary stuff.
My children are all doing well (thank God) and would want practically nothing we have collected over 46 years.
I have many valuable collectibles but I don't know how to sell them.I am not technically savvy.I hate to bother my grandchildren about doing it for me .
We have children all over the county and only the youngest son and his family live close to us.
Since my immune system has been compromised with all the cancer meds for metastatic BC we haven't even seen our other five children very often .They all have chosen not to be vaccinated for Covid and my oncologist says I am too vulnerable to be around them since they also refuse to wear masks😞.
Our youngest son ,his wife and two children are therefore the ones we have to rely on. A heavy burden I am sure😩. My husband is 85(although he still has tremendous physical abilities) and I am 76 with metastisized BC we need assistance with many things now.
I just keep praying that one day Moffitt will find the correct medication to grant me renewed energy.
All the best to you as you consider how to give all your belongings to others❤️
It sounds like your heart is heavy. I'm very sorry for you. I'm not a medical person and most people I know have been vaccinated. That being said, I have a friend who has cancer and her vaccinated son came to see her and he ended up getting COVID and thank God, she didn't. Have you talked to your oncologist about options? Meeting outside, no hugging, you wearing a mask. Be safe. Think about what you need for you heart. Discuss with you oncologist. Good luck.
Thank you for your reply❤️We have discussed this but the problem is my kids live in Cincy,Michigan and Arizona.They would need to stay overnight with us the few days they are in Florida
We have grandkids and some recent great-grands that we have never even met yet😞
Covid just won't stop with all the new strains and my WB count is constantly just too low on my medication to be in close quarters 🙄.
They have to spend enough on plane fare,I feel bad expecting their families to stay in a hotel while they are here . However,that may be necessary if I am ever to be with them.
It's so much harder to clean house than it used to bbe! We got a robotic cleaner (I call it Dirty Hairy) but we gave to get large stuff off the floor before we turn it loose, LOL. We have pet hair all over. We have one daughter who hasn't gotten Covid shots either. She's the only one who still lives close. My husband has a brother who helps us out alot. We let him live with us for over a year when he was having trouble financially. He still eats dinner with us most evenings and I know we can call on him if we need to. We have a large pole barn and he uses it as a place to work on cars. He and my husband are super good at fixing things, so that's good.
Our nearby son bought us one of those robotic cleaners and also a mop for our tile.It does definitely help me as I can't handle my previous heavy vacuum .We have two small rescue dogs: a poodle and most recently a shih-tzu .This little guy refuses to poop outside🙄and we had a very tremendous cleanup when the robotic cleaner ran over some of his droppings😩.We learned to put him on leash now on sweeper days😁
My husband at 85 is still able to do all the yardwork and repair things that quit working which is such a blessing!
Neither of us understand all the computer stuff or technical things so we need our son and grandson to handle quick books and stuff like that.Praise God we have them❤️
I've always been a purger...maybe more than I should have been (where IS that great pencil skirt from 1993!!)...so historically haven't collected much stuff.
But now I'm in a different, weird mode.
I'm taking items...clothing, handbags, accessories...from what I *have* saved...and thinking of them for my daughter, 25 years old, for use when she's 35+...?
I had recent modest weight loss from Verzenio, am now her size, so I am buying...mostly used - the online options are great, and it's guilt-free shopping regarding the environment, capitalism, etc. - ...high-quality "investment pieces" to sort of curate a collection of wardrobe, bags, jewelry.
I recognize that this makes little sense...she probably won't want most of it and I was 50 before I realized you can have good things tailored to make them "in style"...but it's sort of an impulse/urge, so I'm going with it. I've thought of it almost like a "hope chest", if anyone remembers what those were! Sort of setting her up to always be able to look put together...
The "stuff" quandary is very real, and - at least for me - gave me insight into my state of mind/psyche...
Such a great topic for us all. And all making such excellent points to consider
When I was first diagnosed De Novo MBC last year I was in such a state of shock and the person who gave me my diagnosis kept mentioning 'only about six weeks'. When I got home from the hospital I got rid of all my clothes and shoes keeping only a few essentials. Sold the 150+ Barbie dolls I'd collected over the years. Gave away or threw away kitchen items, furniture, and anything else I didn't think I would need in the time I had left. I just couldn't bear the thought of someone having to go through my stuff. Since then I've had to buy more clothes but keep everything to a minium. I only buy what I really need, it's very easy to accumulate too much. I do regret being so hasty as I keep looking for things that I don't have anymore!!
Only about six weeks? That's nuts....unless you were in liver failure with an aggressive cancer, aand really really sick! I hope you have a different onc. 2nd opinion at a Comprehensive Cancer Center. I was diagnosed with de novo MBC in March 2004, 19 + years ago and have met alot of women who've had MBC for over 5, 10 years. I hope you make it to 10 years and can write to that six week predictor!
Yes it was shocking it was 4.30 am, I was in hospital for the first time in my life, he woke up the whole ward just to tell me. Fortunately he is not my oncologist. I'm in the UK so we don't have so much choice but my oncologist and oncology nurses are lovely. 19+ years is fantastic and given me hope. I would love to have another 10 years. Best wishes.
hi Pam, your post came at the perfect time as this has been something I have really mentally been struggling with. I have been in the same house for 37 years. It is relatively big and has a lot of closets and all of them are full! I am a widow with one daughter and I really don’t want to saddle her with having to clean out the house. She lives in another state and works full time. But, I keep procrastinating!
I asked my cleaning person today if she could come twice a month and help me get rid of stuff. Hoping if I have someone here working with me, it will make me do it!
Maybe we can all give each other progress reports!
I like tthe idea of progress reports! and getting help from your cleaning lady. You could also ask your daughter what she would really treasure....photos, kitchen equipment, clothing....!
I have had to clean/empty houses for my sister and my father and it was so overwhelming that I PREACH to people about getting rid of stuff (my in-laws are in their 80s and they are sick of my tirade). ON the other hand, my husband has had to tell me to stop a few times with the Goodwill trips as he feels it is disrespectful to him. Our current happy medium is I am not to touch his stuff but I can take my stuff or stuff from my family to donate all day long. I have lots of thoughts on this so I will spare you all but just imagine the poor person who has to go through your stuff - your underwear - when you are gone...
I try to do a little every week. I struggle with jewelry so I have started to put it in bags and label it for who should get it. Who wants my Queen Elizabeth Jubilee Swatch?
Funny finds:
My mother kept my baby teeth from the tooth fairy.
My father printed the internet - everything...put it in three hole binders. Product data, ancestry screen shots, digital photos.
My father was in the Navy when I was a baby and my grandparents came to visit so there are a zillion slides (they were cheaper?) of baby me at every tourist spot in Hawaii. Also slides of airplanes....no idea why but those went in the trash.
Ummm and.....sex toys? My friend says her in-laws had them too....so...
My husband resists goinng thru his stuff too. He has a gazillion t-shirts, many with slogans, cartoons, etc. It would free up so much space in our closet...
Thanks for starting this thread! My GP saw my x-ray and told me I had stage 4 lung cancer. Look that up on the web. My sister Vivian had passed away the month before and I put together a video of old pictures. I didn't want my loved ones to have to do that so I started doing my own. It was nice going through the pictures. 6 weeks later I had my biopsy (late because of COVID backlog) and found out it was MBC. Much better diagnosis, as cancer goes. Shoes!! I'm having a had time getting rid of my beautiful shoes! I can wear 3 inch heels anymore either! They have been their through many clothing sizes !!
Clothes, thankfully my housekeeper is the same size and I live to see my marathon t-shirts on her!
My mother died from lung cancer, so I can sure relate! She died just five months from diagnosis and here I am, over19 years since denovo MBC diagnosis! Sorting underware and pajamas is sure easier than sweaters, shirts, pants and shoes!
thanks for,the post. It is something I’ve been thinking about. As the only daughter, with only a son and nephews, I have all the family heirlooms and know the men won’t care about these keepsakes. I’ve decided to start making labels/tags to put on certain items that I think are important and why. That way, I hope, it will give them pause.
What a great topic! So many wonderful ideas shared . I, too struggle with all of this . Too many clothes we don't wear and books I love but have read . I love the idea of a box or bag a week and will start that up I really am paralyzed over all the photos , boxes of them as well as digital....will start with the donation bag a week
How I've decluttered:Ornaments/pictures: ivee gone through every room and asked myself, what can I get rid of? I've given these to the local hospice charity shop to sell on.
Photos: ive gone through these and created several scrapbooks (',funny moments,', 'this is Me' Friends', 'Family') for my children , grandchildren and their children to browse. The rest I've kept in a box which they can, if they choose, throw away.
Clothes; ive looked at these and if I haven't worn the item for 2 years I've given it to the local hospice charity shop.
I am a 'shopper' so these rituals have to be performed regularly but they work for me and sure my kids will appreciate my efforts when I'm gone.
Hi PJB, I think from the moment we are diagnosed MBC we are all start sorting things to keep and let go of to make the load lighter for those we love. But I am not so good at it… it will get done one way or other..: so only do it now if you enjoy it. Hope you can just Pluck out those obviously sentimental things to save, tell the stories about these thing and pass along but don’t stress about getting stuff into the proper homes/dust bins etc.
I totally agree with BettyBuckets , do it when you can enjoy it I did it when I was stressed after diagnosis , I made myself worse trying to do everything at once , looking back I was in the wrong frame of mind at that time
Greetings: Sister/Warrior/Advocate😀I too struggle with what to leave to friends, and family when I leave this physical earth. The things that I /we cherish they may not.🧐. I need to start a will, and really focus on what to give to whom, especially cherished photo's.😇. Thank you for this post, and reminding me of this task XoXo
This is a concern I have had as well. I tend to save many things that have sentimental value to me. Now I'm thinking I should start weeding through these things and if I do save something, I should label it to let my kids know what it is and why I saved it. One thought about the clothing items- they make great memory quilts. After my dad died, my sisters and I picked out the clothes that we remembered him wearing the most and we made a big quilt out of them for my mom. She loves it and sleeps under it, feeling his loving presence. The thought was we would make ourselves smaller lap quilts or pillows with the remainder of the clothes, but we haven't got around to that yet. So, if you like to sew or know someone that does, it might be nice to have memory quilts or pillows made for your loved ones using of the clothes you are getting rid of now. It's a beautiful and sentimental gift.
I've thought about offering to make a quilt or duvet cover out of my husband's t shirts--they take up so much space that would be good to free up for other stuff! I hadn't thought of doing that with other clothes...great idea!
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