Again i need your advise . Trying to talk to people outside of here doesn't get me nowhere .
My Mother in Germany is not doing well so i booked a flight on 8/16 to spend some quality time with her probably for the last time .
I have scans coming up on 8/10 followed by me onc visit on 8/12. My quest to retire was kind of set in place by a call from my breast surgeon telling me she wants to move forward with surgery and ordered Bil mammogram and US on same day i have my CT . My anxiety is definitely up now by those extra tests and this trip coming up in such short notice .
My question is : should i wait to get all those tests done till i come back on 8/28 or get is done before . All i think about is what if i get bad news and then i have to go home with that news hanging over my head and i wont be able to enjoy ( which it will not be a fun filled vacation more a emotional time ) my time with my mom .
But on the other hand knowing everything is good will be a good felling also. I am so torn and stressed with all this going on that i cant think straight .
My decision to be done working will work out with going STD with surgery then going SSID while i recoup from surgery and radiation .
My head is ready to explode !!!!!!
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Anitafazz
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I don't know if I can help you with your query. I do know what it is like to be riddled with indecision and have no clear pathway on how to proceed. I would say do whatever makes you feel good. If you decide to have everything done before or leave it till you get back doesn't matter. The results from the scans are what they are, so to speak. Good or not so good you will have help dealing with it.
Just do what feels right for now.
Wishing you well and enjoy your visit with your Mom.
I am married to a German/Canadian immigrant and we know what it is like to be so far away from family and not be able to see them all the time. It is especially difficult when you leave ageing parents behind when you immigrate.
Thanks for your kind words . Yes it is difficult even thou i have been in USA for 30 years it doesn't make it any easier . My mom is 80 and declining daily . Was going home to surprise her for her 80th birthday in October but my siblings told me not to wait till then since her health is not good . They don't know about all the decisions i have to make for me and i really don't want to talk about my health while I'm home since my mom doesn't know much about my problems to begin with .
Having to kind of put on a act about my cancer to begin with will not make it any easier if i receive bad news to hide it but will make it easier knowing im fine .
I hate scan time but this time its adding extra stress and with getting Mammogram and breast US ( which i Dred getting since it will bring back a lot of bad memories when i was diagnosed ) .
Bu i need to put on my big girl panties and do what i got to do !!!
Funny how the sub conscience works! I had my guest experience With breast cancer in 1998. At that time I had a bilateral mastectomy and a trim, and six months of chemo standard, and a 5 1/2 weeks of radiation,. What was fascinating to me was when I started IV chemo again this early this April, they sent me and my second infusion to a different infusion center in the hospital. As soon as I got in there I was so incredibly uncomfortable, and I started to cry and I couldn’t stop. I just knew it was the wrong place for me to be but I was a little confused about it. But I kept saying I can’t be here I need to go back to the other infusion center. What I found out the next day was the infusion center that they sent me to was the original one I was in 23 years before that And it had such negative frightening memories to me but it just wasn’t working. So I insisted on being back in the other infusion center and everything’s fine there, as it makes me feel may be a little more in control. That may sound dumb
I know just how you feel…. Set off by those awful feelings. Funny that I have much less anxiety about Mets than 16 years ago facing BC…. Prob because I had teens and I was afraid I might die… this time with Mets I know I’m going to die… but not today… and tomorrow I’m pretty busy too!
You are too funny, Yes, I', busy tomorrow as well. Yes, I think you are right. When first diagnosed my children were 18, 8, 5 an 2 --so I could not go anywhere, nor did I have time to think about dying. Now, I am 71 and have lived close to 20 years nfter all the women in my family have lived. I am blessed but i guess not ready to go as yet. My youngest daughter just got engage last weekend, so my new goal is to stay alive for her wedding! Well I need to work on that!@! With COVID not sure when she will be able to book a venue next year. Goals are really important. I ddi read my first three during this MBC time, so that is something at least.
no it doesn't sound dumb at all . When i was diagnosed i will never forget sitting in that waiting room to get my US and biopsies . That office where is had my first one closed but the other 2 i had done in the hospital so this time i told the girl that scheduled my US and mammogram that i want to go to a different place because i will not be able to walk into the "ROOM'" where my whole life changed .
I guess we all have PTSD from all this . I wish i could get over it and not stress so much over these dam scans . Still struggling on what to do but everybody advise is easing my mind that i will make the right decision .
I never told my mother about my illness since she is in a different country and i don't look any different . Added stress for her that she doesn't need . My siblings are sworn to secrecy.
That's why im so worried if i get bad news i wont be able to hide it . She will not be here by the end of this year so i want her to go thinking we are all healthy . It might be selfish on my end but i don't want her to worry
Go to her and do not tell her. I say that when I keep nothing to myself and always tell my loved ones everything about my illness and symptoms, etc. This is a bit different than what you are talking about. NO ONE wants to think their child may die before them an I don't thinks needs to think that, but how would she avoid thinking that. So do what you feel in your heart is best. AND, my advice is to sit with your mom and tell her at her bedside how very much you love her, what she has meant to you as a mother, how proud you are to be her daughter, then how very much you will miss her when she is gone. I can tell you from my personal experience that this is by far the best thing I had ever done in my life and at the same time the most difficult and still brings me to tears to remember that time 45 years later. Also, you an assure her that you know the veil between life and death is very thin and you will call on her when you need support. I assure you that IS the case. My heart goes out to you. Please let me know how it goes.
On the other hand, if y ou do get the test done, your mom could support you as well. Or if she has a year or more, then you have time to spend with her. But, I guess no one every knows.
Personally I’d wait. I would not want to see my mom ( not living) if she was beating her end and I was a total basket case. I think you can enjoy your visit getter if you wait. Never know but unlikely your disease will get that much worse in two weeks. But I would set up now so you can do as soon as you come back. This is my opinion of course but sometimes you face to just go with your gut
This is just me but I would have to know. The wondering drives me crazy. I need to know every detail...even if it is bad...I take a few days to recover and wrap my head around the situation and then I am good. If I don’t know my mind assumes the worst. My husband is the opposite. He just needs a general idea and is good.
I guess I'm like your husband . Just tell me good or bad and i move on . I work in the medical field and I guess because of that I always kind of been the person to just tell me what i have to do and move on . My daughter had cancer when she was 5 so i have been thru "scan anxiety for years ) . She is fine now 30 years old and healthy . but i really feel like I'm worse then most because of the scars I have from the past .
Yes, those scars continue to be very painful and it makes it tough for us but maybe gives us more strength and call to action. I too had been involved in the medical field most of my life and that knowledge is power. I need to know what is wrong with me and why, if possible, then i can go with my personal instinct to help assist or heal that.
For me, that would be a no brainer. I would want the test done as soon as possible. to know what I am dealing with. The trip on the plane would be a much easier time of reflection rather than worry of the unknown. What you know, you can deal with. Not knowing is debilitating and worrying. We all know that, "Knowledge is power".
Don’t find out… so wait! Enjoy your trip still hoping that things will be fine. Hope is better than knowing if in trh unlikely event it is bad news. Go see your mom in your happiest mode.
Anita, You have two schools of thought. It would personally be worse on me not knowing. I can deal with the truth, but not knowing drives me bananas. It just depends which type of person you are. There is no right or wrong. I suspect you might have a better trip not knowing. What is best for you is the only important issue. Have a safe trip and best wishes. Blessings, Hannah
Nearly fifty years ago, I sent my 10 year old daughter off on a plane for a long awaited visit with my dad not knowing for sure whether she had cancer. She needed more tests and her doctors said waiting two weeks for those other tests would make no difference in the long run. She had an absolutely wonderful time with her grandfather. Visited Disneyland and rode every ride there at least once! Came home in wild new clothes, flip flops and her long hair loose, after going the other way in braids, a pretty dress, black shoes and white sox with lace edges! LOL That was one of the worst two weeks of my life, not knowing, wondering if it would be her last trip west. She did not have cancer, thankfully, but it sure gave me a rough education in the emotional side of big decisions! As as mother, I strongly believe your mother would rather have you get those tests! And with her being in Germany, there are probably resources there you could use to continue any urgent tests or treatment while you are there! Decisions like this come with so many pit falls! Invitation for later blaming yourself for the "wrong"decision if you don't get the results you hope for. I always try to think about what would happen if each alternative went wrong. Love for mother vs our own critical health is huge! When you do decide, write a letter to yourself, for future reference if things don't go well. When that happens, we often forget some of the most important reasons we decided as we did. I hope you, your mother and your family will get thru these next several months and find peace of mind. Sending love and prayers....... Pam
Thank you for your response . My mother is 80 and has no idea I even have cancer . My decision not to tell her I made from the beginning of my diagnosis . My family wants me to get scans before I go and get it over with but since I'm going by myself I will be alone with my thoughts and my " there is nothing wrong with me act" I will have to put on for my mom if it doesn't turn out good . Sometimes I wish I could be a stronger person when it comes to those freaking scans .
If you are just seeking “What would you do” responses, I would do the scans and the oncologist appointment prior to leaving to be with my mom. Even if the news is disappointing, it removes the anxiety of waiting/postponing.
My mother died two years ago, never knowing I had been living with MBC for the prior two years of her life. You need to be diligent about your own health, while being there for your mom.
Sandra I was diagnosed jan'20 stage 4 . Was put on Ibrance /Letrozol with 2 injections right away . I have had stable scans pretty much for over a year .
I have a "still" shrinking mass left in my right breast ( the beast that started all this ) that my breast surgeon wants to remove along with radiation .
I feel good and work full time but my fatigue is catching up with me so i will prob go on STD soon to spend more time with my family and grandkids while i still feel good .
The extra testing they ordered Mammo /US is giving me extra anxiety along with this un planned trip coming up .
Was on fence about surgery wondering if it will prolong my life or not but i trust my doc's so i want to forward and it will give me a reason to start STD .
I have scans scheduled along with Mammo /US for 8 /10 office visit 8/12 for injections and go over scans leaving on 8/16 .
I will go on vac on 7/28 with my husband so i will hopefully shut my brain off and figure out what I'm going to do
This is definitely a big decision for you. If it were me, I would probably go on the trip to see your mom and then do scans, etc. when you get back. I think this time with your mom should be special for both of you. I realize it may be difficult to go there without the scans being done and worrying about what they might find. But it may be more difficult to keep a brave face if you find out something worrisome. My inclination would be to pray about this decision and go with whatever your gut tells you. I will pray for you, too, that you make the best decision for yourself. Sending you hugs.
Anita, you have many opposing suggestions here. I know that feeling of being torn between the 2 decisions but listen to your own gut/voice. You want to see your mum without stressing about possible bad news, that much speaks pretty clearly in your post! Stuff what your family think (sorry for being blunt!), only you know what's going to be a better choice for yourself. Here's my past experience - before I was dx with mets, my oncologist sent me to a surgeon because she really thought it was time for me to remove my remaining breast to minimize cancer returning (there was a good chance of that). I went and pretty much against my own feelings of getting the surgery done, I booked the surgery for after my return trip overseas visiting my family. Well I spent my ENTIRE trip going round in my head stressing about whether I'd made the right decision. It was awful. I returned more stressed than ever, and said to my husband "I don't think I can go ahead with this", so I cancelled. Basically a month later I had an event that led to my mets-in-spine dx so the surgery would've been moot anyway. But my point is how I felt about the whole thing from when she first persuaded me to go to the surgeon - I should've just listened to my gut in the first place. And honestly, 2 weeks is not going to make any difference to your cancer. I'd personally wait until you get back so the scans are current. By then your lump might have shrunk more anyway? I also agree with Sandra about checking about helpfulness of removing lump at this point - this will give you time to think about that, even that it sounds like they are pushing you. You need to feel right about that choice. Good luck with your trip home to visit your mum x
Follow your gut. If you think having a bad diagnosis will ruin your trip then wait. You risk making the focus of your trip about your illness rather than spending time with your mom. If you think the anxiety of not knowing will shadow your time there then just get the scans done. Either way, the results of the scans will be the same and know that you’re strong and you can deal with them.
I want to thank you all for the good the advise i got . I really appreciated every single responds and couldn't of made a decision without you guys
After long thought i decided to get my CT done and over with so its not on my mind ( esp on that long flight where your thoughts can get the best of you )
Had it done this morning and got my results back already .
Everything is stable no change so now i can breath for 3 month .
I will do my Mammo /US when i get back and move forward with surgery. But for now i will concentrate on my mom and spend some time with her .
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NEED A little luck, here...feeling a bit shaky
News wasn’t so bad. 
Those women where it spread to their liver??
My results after a year of being on Ibrance 125 mg
