struggling.....

[Luv4Seaside]

I'm struggling with the unknown, like through therapy (been seeing a psychiatrist for a year and will begin EMDR in a week through a different therapist) If I manage to work through all of my traumas, who will I become? Is everything I am now just a facade to cover up all of the pain and racing thoughts in my head daily? I am scared that healing also means becoming someone completely different, maybe someone I or others may not like.

Anyone else felt scared or is currently scared of finding a totally different person on the other side of healing?

This past weekend I went to a work related large event, I arrived and sat in my Jeep, like frozen in place, couldn't get myself to get out and go inside. I sat in my Jeep crying and telling myself how much I hated myself because I couldn't go inside. I texted a co-workers in a group text that I was outside, they said "come on in", I still sat, wanting to leave. I have a phobia of walking in front of people. A coworker came out to my Jeep and got me, walked in with me. God I want to change this so bad !!! Does anyone else struggle through this? I'd like to hear your stories of how you deal with these feelings or struggle with it. Even just walking from the parking lot everyday at work, up to the glass building, I walk with my head down, shoulders hung down, in fear that someone in that building is watching me walk up to it. I'd love to walk loud and proud someday. But today is not that day. The struggle is real. hate it.

[SchoolStories]

Thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. I relate to this a lot. Every single thing in your post. I used to be so scared I would be a different person, someone I didn’t even know - but after years in therapy with a psychiatrist who, underneath it all, I trust and feel safe with, I have come to realize that I am becoming more and more the person I know myself to be, someone who is familiar to myself. So many debilitating fears and anxieties I thought were core to my identity, turns out were not and I have been able to see familiar parts of who I am start to shine through but without that added lens of fear. I still feel a lot of fear and misery and pain. But some parts of who I am I know better now, and I am happier for it.

[SchoolStories in reply to SchoolStories]

You want to be yourself without that fear! You know it isn’t core to who you are and who you want to be to sit in your jeep without going in, you said it yourself.

However, sometimes the support of others can be a beautiful thing. I am glad you found it in yourself to contact your coworkers so they were able to support you in that way and you were able to go in! I am so grateful for my friends who have done the exact same for me when I am frozen and can’t go into a party. People can support each other and it takes strength to seek that support!

[Luv4Seaside in reply to SchoolStories]

thank you for taking the time to respond and sharing your thoughts with me.

I understand what you are saying about having support from friends. But in this case, I didn’t mention not wanting to go in or being frozen in place. I just never went in for a long time after letting them know that I was there & where I parked in hopes that one of them hadn’t arrived yet & we could walk in together. One of the guys that I work with is who came out looking for me to see why I hadn’t gone in yet.

I keep my personal life private. Don’t want anyone to know that I’m not as strong as I appear.

And I let him know how much I appreciated him coming look for me.

I have no friends. It’s one of my defensive/ protective traits that I have developed, so that I am not hurt again.

I’m 58 and just want to not carry all of this trauma around with me anymore. One day at a time, praying that I can get through this.

[Luv4Seaside in reply to SchoolStories]

Thank you for sharing. I love how you worded what you wrote.

It’s like I’m worried about losing my sense of humor or becoming too passive of a person. I don’t know. My mind races. I want to get better for myself but also for whomever is in my life after the healing is on its way, so that I can be the best person for them, for us.

I’m so happy for you, even though I don’t know you, I truly am happy for the progress you are making.

Thanks again for replying to my post. I appreciate it.

[SchoolStories]

Aw thank you for your encouragement!! I’m glad reading my comment felt helpful to you. I like what you said about wanting to heal for yourself and for others too. Maybe part of your journey will be connected to finding a balance between the privacy you say is important to you (me too!), and experimenting with new ways to open yourself to support and being supported (perhaps like you’re doing with the psychiatrist and new therapist). What if instead you become less passive, more willing to take agency over your life? What if instead your sense of humor deepens?

For me, the friends I mentioned are friends I’ve made over the past several years after starting therapy with my psychiatrist. I met them through an in-person support group and when I started volunteering. We’ve become very close, and I want to be the best person for them, for us too. My friends struggle with some of the same things and some different things, so we are able to be there for each other (such as them coming to get me when I’m frozen / arranging to go places together in the first place), and I have been there for them when they are going through a hard time or have a tough day. I think having people I care about and trust enough to be open with has infused the rest of my life with more color and meaning. It even helps give meaning to my suffering, both past and ongoing.

Before I met my friends, I had a moment in therapy, when I finally humored my therapist and wrote a note to my abused child self. Talking it through, it occurred to me that I believed I was going to love and be loved in the future by people I didn’t even know yet. That belief was such a hopeful one! So I knew that I had hope. I hear that hope in you, I feel that hope for you, and I am excited about what the future holds for us both, with its ups and downs, its heartbreaks and adventures and fears and delights and relief and calm and rest.