The World is very slowly becoming beautiful again, and each time it does I get pulled back to the past

[doingthebestican24]

I feel like I have been on the cusp of a breakthrough for the five months.

Every time I start to string a week or a few days of feeling halfway decent together, the rug is once again pulled out from under me. The dreams come back. Every little, tiny thing reminds me of what has happened to me, what I've lost, and the shame I feel during those times. I am paradoxically numb and in pain at the same time. My own brain turns against me, and all I can do is pace.

There are days where I am able to fight through it- I keep myself from spiraling down by going somewhere, doing very mild exercise, getting lost in a movie or game, etc... but even those small things I used to love doing feel like they take every ounce of energy my body, mind, and spirit have. They don't always help either.

I want my goddamn life back. Pardon my language. I know in my head and from the past that I am capable, generally well-liked, make fast friends, and fun to be around- but the gap between what I know to be true and how I feel is so wide that I'm beginning to question the truth of everything. I miss me. I don't even remember what it's like to feel normal. Fear is an evil and corrosive thread that has shot through the entire fabric of my life.

I'd be lying if I said it doesn't all make me feel less than. This illness has made me selfish by necessity and that kills me because I want to be there for others and become useful and helpful like I haven't been in a very long time, but something keeps holding me back. A lot of times, it's everything that I can do to keep myself from making a plan to check out. I'm at this weird place where it's like I do believe I can get better, that I will get better, and that these feelings aren't forever-- however, not knowing when that is scares the hell out of me and I'm not sure how much more I can take.

I can't take another year of this. I just want to be free.

To end with some positive though- what helps me to make the right choices against everything inside of me in my harshest moments is simply asking myself this question:

How free do you want to be today?

As much as it sucks, I know that nothing will change without some effort on my part. It's just that the effort is so very hard when you feel like this. The people who wronged me have already taken from me, and I'm tired of letting them do it over and over again day after day from miles away.

How free do I want to be today though? Maybe we can do hard things and just don't know it yet. Maybe surviving this condition will prove we are all stronger that most people ever imagine needing to be. Find that place inside of yourselves. Hold on to that voice, however quiet it is, that keeps you here. Let's keep focusing on what we can control. Love you all. Peace and blessings.

[Dynamic_Gem]

Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest—it takes immense courage to articulate the pain, frustration, and exhaustion you're experiencing. It’s clear that you’re battling something incredibly heavy, and the fact that you continue to fight, even when it feels impossible, speaks volumes about your strength and resilience.

It’s okay to grieve what you’ve lost and to acknowledge how unfair and overwhelming this all feels. Healing is messy, and sometimes it feels like two steps forward and three steps back, but the way you keep showing up for yourself, even in small ways, is a testament to your determination to reclaim your life.

The question you ask yourself—“How free do I want to be today?”—is so powerful. It reframes your fight as an act of self-love and empowerment. Yes, the effort is exhausting, but your refusal to let what’s happened to you define you shows that you are far stronger than the pain or fear that tries to hold you back.

It’s okay to not feel okay, and it’s okay to lean on others as you navigate this. You are not alone, and there are people who care about you deeply, who see your worth, and who are cheering you on. Progress might feel slow, but the fact that you’re still here, still fighting, still holding on to even the faintest glimmer of hope, is extraordinary.

Keep asking yourself that question, and keep reminding yourself that the people who wronged you don’t get to control you anymore. You are reclaiming your power, little by little, even on the hardest days. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Sending you love, compassion, and encouragement as you continue this journey toward freedom and healing.

[doingthebestican24 in reply to Dynamic_Gem]

thank you friend!