Unwanted

[MH1982]

Many may not know this, but I have a half brother who is older than I am. Several times, I found myself wondering why he didn't grow up with us. He ended up living with my aunt. It wasn't until recently when I learned that none of us were actually wanted. One of my parents never wanted to have children. It explained a lot, including why my half brother didn't live with us. I also learned that there was resentment toward me because I was the oldest (not counting my half brother). Because one of my parents came from a family where the oldest in the family was favored, they decided to take it out on me, meanwhile, putting the youngest up on a pedestal. It makes me feel like none of my parents wanted me. I've been digging deeper and learning more and I came across a video that shead some light on so much of what I have dealt with and am still dealing with. It was a video that had t do with the affects of being an unwanted child. I even learned that the affects could even have gone as far back to even before I was born. If I was never wanted from the beginning, it could've affected me even then. I also learned that past trauma can contribute to writer's block which I really hate. Lately, I've been having trouble with my writing. Yesterday I was able to write a small project, but most of the time, I'm unable to focus and I'm drawing a blank. It wasn't all that long ago when I'd write, the words and the stories would just flow. Now, for the past few weeks, it hasn't been that simple and for a moment, I lost interest in it altogether. As I stated, I was able to write a little yesterday, but, it was as far as it went. The only other thing I've been able to write about are my past traumas.