My beloved husband tormented with CBD for the past ten years, slipped away from me in the last couple of weeks after a week of hospitalization with Covid sepsis.
After a day of being unresponsive, he briefly opened his eyes around 1 a.m. on a Monday morning. I was watching him and saw a light in his eyes. I bent over him, kissed his forehead, and told him:
"Light and Love are waiting for you, Honey. Go to the Light and Love and be at peace. And know that I love you so very much."
And so he did. Gently, peacefully, he slipped away, enveloped in my love.
He is at peace at last and I am lost. My life, my love, my husband is gone. What do I do now?
I guess the long journey to "me" and who I am without him has begun, and it's a hard one, for sure.
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I’m sending you love during this tough time. May the horrors of this illness soon fade and leave you with special memories of your lovely husband. I really hope you are able to find the answers to ‘what will I do now’ - give yourself time to find them.
Thank you, Hdee. Your kind words of support are much appreciated. After ten years of caring for him, this house is SO empty without him. I miss him dearly, not his condition, but him. You're right though. Time, I pray, will help. Blessings to you!
My deepest condolences on the passing of the love of your life. You have done a wonderful job taking care of your husband. And your final moments with him were as transcendent as they could be. What a fitting ending to a perfect love.
What a beautiful description of his last moments with you; it moved me to tears, as I remembered the moment I said goodbye to my husband too.
I felt similarly lost when he was gone. The routine, the 'stuff', all of it stopped. Suddenly I had all this time and nothing to do. I hibernated at home for quite a while, and then decided I needed to get out of the house or risk turning into a permanent hermit. I started very slowly: I found a small start up business that arranged walking tours in my city, tours of historical houses and even a few hikes out of town. I joined a couple of these when they looked interesting. It was a great way for me to get out of the house to start with, but not have to be sociable if I didn't want to be. It's taken a while (it's been nearly 7 years), but I feel like I've regained a sense of myself. That hole will never be filled, but I'm no longer defined by being his caregiver and by his illness.
The journey back towards yourself can be very healing; take the time for that x
Sawa, thank you for your understanding. You described where I am at right now perfectly. Basically, I feel lost. So much time on my hands and no interest in doing anything. Many people have stopped by and I enjoy seeing them, but I do not want to go out and "start living" as they say, right now. I just want to "be" and not really think about much. I believe, like you, I will have to force myself to get out and go places and do things, but for now, after just one month without my love, I will just hibernate and get acquainted with who I am without the caregiver label. The walking tours you described sounds like a perfect new start on your journey to "self." Thank you again for your beautiful comment. It helped me to feel better about the way I'm feeling right now.
Hibernate away! Don’t underestimate how much you’ve given over the past 10 years and now you need to slowly fill back up again. That emptiness is not just the lack of things to do now, but I think also how much you’ve given of yourself. I know I had no energy to talk to anyone, to socialize, sometimes I didn’t even want to decide what to eat or drink. You will find yourself again, in whatever form or time frame is right for you. Hugs x
My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing that beautiful moment when you gave your loved one permission to leave you, with so much love. My thoughts will stay with you as you work through all the aspects of being without him. Take care and give yourself time and space for the comfort you need. 🌻🫂
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so very grateful that I was with my precious husband at the brief moment when he opened his eyes. The nurse had just checked him and said his breathing was strong and it would be some time yet before he passed. She had just left when he opened his eyes and I saw a light in them. That's when I kissed him, told him to go, and how much I loved him. And he did, right away, close his eyes and was gone. The nurse couldn't believe it. It was less than 5 minutes after she had just checked him. Maybe our loved ones just need to know that it's okay for their suffering to come to an end? That we love them and encourage them to go and to be at peace? I don't know the answers but after 10 years of the horrors of CBD, I wanted my sweetheart to be at peace more than I wanted to hang on to him. Thank you again for your thoughts and kind words.
"Light and Love are waiting for you, Honey. Go to the Light and Love and be at peace. And know that I love you so very much."
It is exciting to read these lines of you, so profound, so essential, so full. I very much appreciate your generosity in sharing them. They are a balm full of hope.
I lost my wife three years ago. The hole he has left in my life and in that of our family, nothing and no one can fill it and his spirit, his advice, his support, are still present while life goes on.
Your experience after so many years can be useful to people who continue to be plagued by this unknown disease. It is time to recover old friendships, old hobbies, new stimuli that make us grow as people. At first one finds oneself empty and disoriented, it is natural after so much time focused on the patient. It is difficult to return to social activities, one finds oneself somewhat "rusty" and "dented", but there is no better way. As you say yourself, "returning to the self" is now the goal.
I very much appreciate your words of wisdom and experience, Luis! Thank you! It is, perhaps, a blessing that the holidays somewhat forced me to be social and with many friends and family. My urge is to "hole-up" and isolate, but that could so easily become an unhealthy habit. I am sorry about the loss of your wife. Losing a spouse is a loss like no other loss I've ever known. And you are so right when you say that the hole they leave cannot be filled by anyone else. Bless you, Luis, and may the days and years ahead be good years for you. As my family has told me regarding my dear husband, "He will live on in the hearts of many." What a beautiful legacy any one of us can leave behind. To be loved and remembered, like your precious wife three years later.
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