It's getting close to three months since my dear husband, Sandy, passed away. I almost wish time wasn't rushing by so quickly. I was away for three weeks and it felt like a sabbatical from the shock and grief of losing him, like I had removed myself from the reality of the situation. Was glad to get back home where I feel closer to him.
I don't know what to make of this process. I know we all grieve differently. It's been much easier than I would have expected....so far. I keep on thinking the big grief monster is lurking and going to attack soon and take me down. I hope not. The sadness and the fact that I miss him so much comes in waves. I try not to think about the fact that I may have many more years ahead without him. It seems there are no bad days...just bad moments. Thankful for that. It may be the long list of responsibilities that I have to take care of that is occupying my mind.
I never expected him to go so soon. Yet, when I think of what it would be like now if he was still here with me....I think we'd both be in bad shape. As I wrap up some of this paperwork, I am trying to fit in a few things to take care of myself (well, one anyway...and that is a good walk a few mornings each week).
Blessings and hugs to all you good people.
Joy
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Oh Joy, you sound as if you are doing OK at a very difficult time. As you say, we all grieve differently. Like you, mine came/comes in waves. Someone once told me, “You may be OK now but one day it will hit you”. Well Joy, after 3 years that time hasn’t happened yet and hopefully it won’t. I went through a short period thinking I must be hard and insensitive as I loved my darling so much but I’m enjoying life even though he has gone. I know I did my grieving while my darling was alive.
Keep taking care of yourself. Do things that make you happy and keep in contact with friends and family and join groups to make new friends. Life can be good and we know now how short it is so live it to the full.
Thank you for your encouragement. It's been said that with a long illness, one probably grieves losses along the way. I guess I did - I grieved the loss of my husband's health, the loss of the life we had planned. With the constant caregiving, I really didn't think I had time for grieving or anything else along the way.
You are right - we know how short life is so we should live it to the full. It does help knowing that my loving husband would want the best for me.
I don't think the grief will ever really end but we absorb it as part of our life. I wanted more time with him but I am thankful we had 37 years of a good marriage. We had our bumps in the road, as we all do, but we had love, commitment, a family. Many good memories. And I'm starting to let go of the guilt memories, the fact that I wasn't a perfect wife or a perfect caregiver. But I am realizing and accepting the fact that I took very good care of him - better than anyone else could have done. I miss him. I want to talk things over with him but after all these years, I know what he would say so I just carry both sides of the conversation. It works...sort of.
Dear Joy, my husband passed 12-31, our 28th anniversary. Yes it was FAST after 7.5 yrs. of care giving and anticipatory grief. Listening to you, I am experiencing exactly same by your descriptions... even the one way conversations...knowing what he would say! I really have had very little time alone, which is good...but am now wanting some time without someone telling me what I should do, what I'm feeling (yeh right) .... I'm sure you understand. Wishing you all the best in the daily journey of one foot in front of the other. Betsy
You said a lot I feel somewhat like you. My daughter since this has difficulty with relationships.
There is a lot of pre grieving. By the time Larry died there was grief but a sense of relief that it was finally over. I feel pretty good most of the time but the nerve ending are raw. Little things can set me off on a crying jag. I know it will be with me the rest of my life. We all go on.
I've been wondering how you're doing. I remember how sudden it was when Larry left and it seemed the same with Sandy. It happened so fast. Looking back, maybe it wasn't so fast - it was coming on pretty strong for 1.5 years.
It is the little things, isn't it? Grocery shopping gets to me because it seemed like I was always buying what he needed/wanted. Passing his favorite foods in the grocery aisle really hurts. Maybe it's because food was one of his few pleasures he had left. When I started shopping just for myself, I didn't really see the point - figured I could just get by on whatever was available in the cupboard at home.
I got rid of the clothing he wore when he wasn't well but will probably not touch his good clothes for quite some time. It's hard to look at his closet full of shirts. There's so much to absorb. I think it'll take a lifetime. Good thing grief isn't 24/7. I still pretend he's here - tell him Goodnight, etc.
It wasn’t so fast. He was rapidly sinking by the time I needed a break (I had been care giving for 4 years and 8 months without a break.) and put him in respite care. If I hadn’t put him there he may have lived a few more weeks. Hospice gave him drugs that helped him die as peacefully as he could. It worked out right at the end.
Four months later I find I have recovered from pneumonia but am still lethargic. I am not sure if this is depression or being worn out.
I was in a drawer in his bedroom the other day looking for something and stumbled on a jewelry case I never knew existed. There were interest bits in there. I find I am discovering things I never knew existed every time I open one of his drawers.
Four years + eight months without a break. Wow. You may just be recovering from exhaustion. I hope it's that and not depression but seek help when you need it. What you went through can cause lethargy, as well as recovering from pneumonia.
It's amazing how things do work out in the end. Sandy's passing, although it caught me by surprise, was merciful. He escaped some of the more difficult symptoms.
Larry was relatively lucky with his disease. He was aware, eating, communicating and able to walk some up to the end. I read so many horror stories on here. It could have been worse.
I'm so glad to hear that. You're right, it could have been worse.
Sandy couldn't walk at all the last six months and prior to that he had a walker that was becoming more and more useless all the time. But, he was able to eat, talk, communicate well right up almost to the end. He still had bacon and waffles (he loved breakfast) right up to two days before he went into the dying process. He had good conversations with people up to that point also.
I've heard lots of horror stories - people suffering so much and still hanging on. We didn't have that.
Jeff, my son was looking for ammo so he could target shoot with his Dad’s pistol. So we went searching through the closet in the spare room where George kept his hunting gear. We found 4 green ammo boxes—and figured our search was over, right? Nope. We opened them and found all four were filled to the rim with spare change. Apparently he used to keep a box in his truck all the time and whenever he was about town working (he had a lawn business) and he stopped to eat or purchase anything with cash, he’d toss the change in there. When it filled, he’d swap for an empty box. Now among the coins were pocket lint, keys and paper clips...and an old McDonald’s monopoly piece from 2008–so he’d been saving from at least then up until he had to quit work in 2017. I took the boxes to our credit union as they have a coin counter there and won’t charge you if you have an account with them. I felt like I was in Vegas watching my winning numbers climbing higher and higher. Final total was $1533.12. Talk about surprises! Thank you, sweetie!
This was exactly me the other day! I was wandering the aisles of the grocery store after work and I’d been conditioned to look for meals my husband would like, but were quick to fix because I still had other “chores” to take care of and work again the next day. It doesn’t matter what I pick now. He’s gone, so if I eat a bowl of shredded wheat for dinner all is well.
And I went through his closets yesterday and will take them to a donation center today. Hopefully someone can get some use out of them. And his suits will be in the mix. He didn’t wear them often, but looked sharp when he did!
And I have my moments of grief, mainly when I have time to think on my long drives to and from work. But for the most part, grieved through the illness process. Every downturn and I knew we were just a little bit closer to the end. And I guess because I was so caught up in trying to make it through each day with George, that when the end screamed “Here I Am!” I was like, “What? Where did YOU come from, End?” And his suffering was over. Just like that. And I felt horrible because the first emotion I felt was relief. For him. For me. My son explained it best. He was here right along side with me taking care of his Dad. When his coworkers found out his father died they had no idea he had even been caregiving for him. But Trevor said his one fellow employee understood the situation when he asked, “ So you were helping take care of your Dad?” When my son responded yes, this guy said, “Wow. Aren’t you kinda glad you don’t have to do that sh*t anymore?”
I’m in the anticipatory grief phase right now and I’ve been in this phase for more years than I even know. I think that I will feel a sense of relief when it is over. I mean, I think it’s a natural thing knowing that they are no longer suffering. I’m slowly going through his closet and donating clothes that have zippers and snaps. Things that he hasn’t been able to wear for so long. I find myself hanging onto his suits and his myriad of expensive shoes. He was always a sharp dresser but he hasn’t worn the nicest clothes since a Christmas party in 2012. Nor do I want to find a new home for his golf clubs or scuba gear. I’m afraid if I get rid of these items then I will have to face the truth that the END is near. I don’t think that any of us are ever ready.
I think of things that I will do after. I picture myself getting a puppy but not until after traveling. Life goes on but I will most definitely miss caring for him. It’s part of who I am now.
And now, duty calls. Hang in there everyone and live life as best as you can for we never know about tomorrow.
You're right - we don't know what tomorrow brings. I got rid of a few things with zippers and snaps before Sandy left. I thought it would be easier if I got a head start but I only got through a few things. He also liked expensive shoes and had several nice pairs. He gave most of them away to one of our sons, and a pair to his dad. I still have a couple of them in the closet. Those are hard to look at., along with a closet full of nice shirts. Mostly I just keep that closet door closed. That's for another day....in the future.
It's good to think about the future - what you might do - travel and a puppy. I used to think about the future but now that it's here, I don't have the slightest idea what I"m going to do. I kind of like it - not having the slightest idea. I'll just see how life unfolds.
Hang in there, SewBears. You're doing a magnificent job taking care of your husband. And, get some rest for yourself. You're probably tired of hearing that, but try to do so.
I love that - "What? Where did YOU come from, End?" I had my head down, going through all the parts of caregiving, thinking things were going okay, that we had a lot more time. Sometimes denial is a wonderful thing - it was in this case. Others could see it better than I could. After seeing a picture of me, someone mentioned that I looked worse off than he did. I may have.
I don't regret for a minute taking care of my lovely husband. I was able to do so. Some people don't have that option. Of course, now I am looking back at our sweet moments with love. The back aching, frustrating, exhausting moments are becoming dimmer in my memory.
I don’t regret the caregiving for George either. It was tough, but I am thankful I could be there for him and he was at home all except for the two times in respite care. Would I want to be caregiving like that for someone else? Please Lord, not anytime soon! And I am hoping that my “sick George” memories will soon fade and “well George” memories take their place. It’s only been a month though, so still waiting for that to happen.
The "well" George memories will appear, it just takes, (sorry, that dreaded word) time. You can't force them to come, but perhap, finding some happy photos to look at, every now and again, might help.
I can relate to everything you have said it is 14 months since I lost my lovely Steve and it’s still hard and it’s the oddest thing that can set me off. I have done a fair bit of travelling and have more planned as I want to do the things we both planned to do for both of us. I find if I keep really busy and focused I am ok but as soon as I have a quiet few days with nothing much to do it’s worse because those are the days that we would have just been happy together doing nothing. I find the house very quiet. I have also found the second year harder than the first in some ways, I think it’s because in the first year you remember what you were doing with them the previous year but now I just remember how wretched I felt this time last year. But life goes on and I know Steve would want me to be happy so I plaster a smile on each day and get on with it! Thinking of you.
"Plaster a smile on each day and get on with it." Sandy would want me to be happy. He'd probably be wondering why I spend each day sorting through paperwork on my desk and trying to keep up with household stuff. He'd probably say "why haven't you gone to Italy for a nice long trip?" Of course, he didn't know Coronavirus was coming.
We used to joke about "when one of us goes to college, I'm going to Italy." Yup, we called dying "going to college." It somehow softens it. We had our quirky senses of humor to the end.
I am a couple of weeks behind you. Life still has a slightly surreal aura about it. I agree totally with what you have said. I get waves of grief, but as I wrote a few days ago, I'm sure I suffered anticipatory grief. I too am relieved Chris is no longer suffering but feel guilt that I wasn't always a good carer and got ratty with him, in sheer frustration probably.
I thank God for the 53 years of marriage we enjoyed but dread the thought of however many years I will have without him.
So all we can do is keep on keeping on, on this new journey in front of us.
Sometimes those waves of grief seem like a tsunami of grief, guilt, dread of life without him, I try to carry on with practical everyday activities. Luckily his grandsons can wear many of the items he’d received for Christmas but never used. Other things are being donated.
Sometimes it helps to remember a laugh we shared over some silly news event or a song we’d liked and enjoyed together.
One of the biggest problems for me is trying to sort out who is “me” when we were “us” for half a century.
Glad to hear from you. I know you were just behind me by a little bit. Surprising, I always thought of you as a veteran, someone way ahead of us. These little details I continually try to sort don't really matter.
I wish we could all "ditch the guilt" forever. Maybe we will. I am sorry for every cross word, the things I expected of Sandy, wondering why he wouldn't help me more - early on before I knew he wasn't capable. Sorry I didn't sit with my arms around him for hours - I was trying to stay on top of everything, pulled in so many directions. Sorry I didn't hire an in-home massage therapist. I was always going to as soon as I got some other things under control.
I do have to remember that he knows he was loved and cared for. He was so deserving of love, such a kind man. I am blessed that I was married to him. And he was blessed to have me - someone younger with lots more energy - so I could encourage and care for him. Lots of good things happened in the midst of this journey. Some seemed like miracles. God provided every step.
The death of Jan is now a good month ago and just like you, my grief is comes in waves. I got rid of his wheelchair and toilet chair but there are still a lot of adjustments that I have to get rid of.
In the fridge and pantry I still find products that I had bought especially for Jan because he liked them so much. When I see these, I get very sad, but I am not sad all day, even though the definitive thing of not being able to see Jan or holding him and being able to give him a good cuddle, overwhelmes me at certain times.
I think I did a lot of grieving last year, when I realised we couldn't do the things we loved to do together anymore. Bit by bit I had to let him go as he was declining. When I feel very sad, I try to think back to how sad I was when we could no longer do what we wanted and that he probably would have deteriorated already. I wouldn't have wanted that for him either.
I too get overwhelmed with sadness when I know I can't hold him or cuddle him. I want to so much. He's in my heart and my mind, but I long to touch him.
Hi Joy, I don't think the waves ever stop coming. Even after three years time for me, a sudden wave, not seen, can take my feet away, but like everything else, you learn to cope, know how to pick yourself up, most of the time, with out anyone even noticing. It's just part of my life now. In my depths of dispair, I think, would I really want Steve to still be around, suffering as he was. Of course the answer is NO. No way would I want him to suffer another second, to make me feel better. As much as I miss him, I gladly take on this pain.
Sandy will always be with you, in your heart. No matter how you live your life. For his sake, make sure it's a full one, you are living it for two now. The walking is good, I joined a Nordic walking group, walking and chatting, it's a great mixture!
Life does go on Joy and there is a lot of pleasure to be found. Your attitude is going to let you find it. Don't worry about the big monster, just knowing it is there, should keep you from its depths, even if you fall victim, it always provides step ladders to climb out again!
"No matter how you live your life. For his sake, make sure it's a full one, you are living it for two now." I think this is worthy of taping to my office wall. Thank you.
And maybe you're right, knowing the monster is there is good enough warning to stay out of its depths.
Grief is the strangest thing. It's almost two and a half years since I lost my Liz to PSP and just when I think I have pushed through that grief barrier, some little thing smacks me solid in the face. I crumble into a quivering wreck. In some ways I hope that never stops because it reminds me of how much she meant to me ( as if I needed reminding ). I always hear her voice telling me to get on with living. I cared for her at home for a long time, but the end came so sudden and unexpected. I feel she had just had enough and wanted to spare me any further responsibility for her care. I will miss her terribly until I finally meet up with her again. Until that time I try to do the things we wanted to do in better times.
Take care of yourself and live life to the full. Sending hugs and prayers for some comfort in your life. 🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
Tomorrow will be 2 months exactly since my darling passed. He used to leave notes for me, “Gone to the grocery store, call my cell if you need anything, Love, Doug”. I keep one of those on the piano - I am so lost without him. Had started seeing a counselor in the months before the end. I did get eye surgery, so badly overdue and needed during his illness (cataracts). April 5th is to be a memorial for friends and extended family (we’d had a visitation for immediate family a few days after his death). His daughters chose those dates. He died Jan 7th. The visitation was Jan 12th, his birthday. The memorial was to be April 5, a 51st wedding anniversary. With the dreadful flu precautions I now fear we won’t be able to have the memorial service.
I know he would want me to adjust well but the sadness overwhelms and I look for any signs that a part of him is near. When such a thing does happen* the ‘practical’ side of me kicks in with practical explanation.
*Last Sunday at Mass it was time to get in line to receive Communion. Those are especially sad times of missing him and I thought to myself “this one is for you, my darling”. Two hosts were placed on my tongue; guess they’d stuck together.....but what a coincidence! I’m telling myself the Lord is letting this happen and a part of my dear husband IS nearby, not just in my heart!
Two hosts on your tongue. The Lord knows. We took communion at church last Sunday. I used to go up and take two cups, and two wafers and take it back to my husband. As I was walking back to my seat last Sunday, the realization came over me that I gave my husband communion, not just carrying the elements to him but offering it to him and we would take them together. Another one of God's gifts, just an awareness of something loving that I did for him.
More and more sweet memories are coming to mind, replacing guilty ones.
Hi Joy, I am on the same journey as you, feeling exactly the same. It will be exactly 3 months tomorrow from Will's passing. Like you waves of emotions just come over me and the tears come. Especially on Boxing Day when I watched our two 7yr old grandsons Matthew and Joe walk out as mascots with the football team Will supported; when Matthew scored 2 goals at his first match and recently our 9yr old granddaughter Olivia carried the Brownie Standard Flag at a Church Service, I was so proud of them and I knew Will would have been too. Makes me realise just what he is missing and we should be sharing together.
Like you I've started walking and it helps getting out and about. Also have arranged to visit our daughter and her family in Australia at the end of the month, that's if Coronavirus doesn't put a spanner in the works as we go via Singapore. 🤞
Take care and we will continue our journey together along with the family we have here on this forum, where would we be without them.
I cried when reading your post. Our granddaughter, was seven weeks old when Sandy died. She is our first grandchild. So thankful that she was born and he got to meet her and hold her the day she was born. And she will have pictures of her Grandpa holding her.
I think about all the activities and milestones she will have and he won't be here to be part of it. Several months ago I asked Sandy if he was afraid. He said "no, I just don't want to miss the things I'm going to miss." We will keep on keeping on.
Sorry I didn't mean to bring you to tears, How beautiful Sandy got to hold his very first grandchild, I'm sure he loved every minute, and you have photos to capture that special moment. Now you can enjoy her and tell her lots of stories of her special, brave grandad as she grows.
Joy, it's two years since my lovely husband passed on. Like you, the grief comes in waves. The waves get a little less fierce as time moves on.
Do keep busy , it helps. Also spend some time enjoying a book, TV, a film, choir, or something that you could lose yourself in. Your beloved would not want you to spend your days in sadness. Love him and live.
These are good suggestions. Enjoying something you can lose yourself in. And I like that..."Love him and live." Yes, he would want me to enjoy life. He talked about it before he left - that he wanted me to have a good life. He also knew that I would be okay without him.
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Riding the PSP Seesaw
the time has come - 3 years from diagnosis
The story behind my daughters Marathon for PSP.
The Little PSP cards
