Chris died at noon yesterday in his arm chair by the fire. I was out and my daughter was printing in her workshop, the cleaner was busy vacuuming and thought he was asleep. Then Leyla realized he had gone, I arrived home and, this was noon, he was buried at 4.30pm in the village cemetery under a huge pine tree. Given we had so little time, the death certificate was only issued at 2pm, we did well to have around thrity people at the funeral, mix of our friends, Turkish and British, and residents of the village. Now we are in three days of 'official mourning' during which all and sundry come to pay their respects and we serve them tea, biscuits and turkish delight and pour lemon cologne into their palms as they leave. However, it is pouring down with rain so we are hoping that will slow the rate of visits.
We hadn't expected him to leave quite so soon but it is a relief for all of us. His left arm had been totally rigid, bent across his chest for the past couple of weeks and it was a nightmare getting clothes on and off. After he passed the arm relaxed and lay naturally by his side which pleased me no end.
And I must say thank you to everyone on here who have been so helpful, supportive, informative, add in any other positive adjectives you wish. I will let you all know how our traditional period of Turkish mourning goes, right now I am in nightie and dressing gown, sitting by the fire writing this on iPAD, while daughter is scrunching muesli from bowl on her knee opposite me. We are not ready for people to come and pay their respects!
Oh Pat, I'm so sorry but what a peaceful way to go. It's good you had folk with you at the time and it must be comforting to have your daughter there. It's amazing how quickly things take place in Turkey. I think it's so stressfull arranging funerals in the UK and it can be quite a while before it finally happens and you have time to come to terms with the loss of a loved one. I'll be thinking of you welcoming friends and acquaintances to your home and hope it is not too tiring.
Keep plodding on and grieve in the way you want to, not how anyone else thinks you should.
Thanks Bev. Don,t worry I intend to do little for some time to come. Having my daughter here has been, and continues to be, amazing. She timed it perfectly.
Oh Pat, I am so sorry to hear that Chris has died. But what a peaceful way to go, if only we could all go that way. At last he is feel of this evil disease. Now it time for you to turn all your hard learnt lessons of caring onto yourself! Greiving is very personal, there is only one way to do it and that's YOUR way. Take your time or not, what ever!
The Turkish way of mourning sounds quite nice, better than the two or three weeks of waiting to get our loved ones buried, cause they are too busy, not enough staff etc., etc., that we get here in the UK! Hope you can take some comfort from it.
So sorry Pat. It must have been such a shock for you. However, how lovely that he was able to remain at home and was sitting in his own armchair by the fire. I do hope you can take a lot of comfort from that and from the fact that you and Leyla looked after him so well until the end.
Do make sure you are allowed time to grieve at your own pace.
Vicki xx
Thanks Heady. I just wrote you a lengthy reply and then lost it. So a simple thank you is all I can manage this time around.
hipatz I'm really sorry to hear about chris mate but now he is free and I know that you would b e happy for him peter jones queensland Australia [psp sufferer
Dear Pattz, what a shock for you. I am sorry, although such a peaceful passing is what we all most wish for ourselves and our loved ones. You did well; you kept him home. I am glad your daughter is with you, and wish you all the comfort there can be in your memories of the love you shared. Take care of yourself now. Love and peace, ec
If I could choose a way for Bruce or myself to go, Chris is way would be it. What a blessing your daughter was there to comfort and support you.
I am sorry for your loss but like Heady says, make this time your time. After the Turkish ceremonies are done, the people have left, cry or whatever it is you want to do. Take time for yourself. Take a lot of time for yourself...and remember we are still hear if you need to talk, or rant or cry with some friends.
Thank you. I slept for almost twelve hours last night and intend to do a repeat tonight, using up yer man's sleep meds. Today it poured down all day so we only had five visitors so far. One of them is an old friend from UK, Turkish married to an English wife we've know. Each other for over twenty years. His widowed mother lives in a small town the other side of our local airport, about 30 miles away. I didn't even know he was in the country, he's over for a week visiting his mother. He read about C's death on FB and walked in here this afternoon. Wonderful. Rain has stopped now, sun forecast for ne t two days so if I don't post you'll know I am busy with respect paying guests.
Patt so sorry for the loss of Chris at least he is in a better place, what a lovely way to go, grieve at your own pace, sending you a big hug Yvonne xxxxx
Thank You for that Yvonne. I am sure I will be fine in a few months and intend to take it very easy until then.
I echo Heady's thoughts,May your heart heal in time .
Thank you for sharing the manner in which your Chris died. I am terrified of what is to come and knowing that it can be peaceful is comforting. May you find peace while you grieve and when it's time may there be joy in your life once again.
Dear Pattz - so sorry for your loss. Sadness and relief all mixed together. When you re-appear after the visitors have gone, we'll still be here for you.
Dear Pat, my prayers are with you and your daughter. How old was your husband and how long did he have to suffer ? But I have to admit that the worst period is yet to come. I lost my father at sept. 22nd last year and it is still so hard to cope with the loss.
Chris was 68, some three months short of his 69th birthday. He was diagnosed in March 2013 but had had symptoms since at least July 2010. At the end he could hardly stand even with support, had great difficulty speaking but only over last 4-5 days, could see very little but was still managing to eat and drink if only tiny amounts and was got up, showered, dressed and breakfasted on the morning he died. I think we were lucky. I think he deserved a bit of luck at the end.
I'm so sorry, yet please that Chris has passed away and free from this awful disease. As other comments have it was good that he passed peacefully away at home. I hope you cope with all of the visitors and when that is all over you can start to grieve in your own personal way. Take care, much love. Kate xx
Pattz, I'm so sorry to hear about Chris. I only pray to the Good Lord that my Kim will pass in the same manner. It will most likely be in either her bed or her arm chair. Unfortunately it won't be by a fire. We do have a fireplace with gas logs, but I don't even know how to start it. Please take time to grieve in your own way and always try to remember the good times that you and Chris had in life. May God truly bless and strengthen you in these coming days.
So sorry and yes it is a relief of all the anguish and pain you and your husband went through. Great that he went in a peaceful way and it is wonderful to have your daughter there. May God give you patience and strength through your mourning. and May his spirit rest in peace. Minoo
Thankyou to everyone who has sent condolences. As can be seen, I started out replying to each message but ran out of steam. It has been a huge relief I now realize. I have slept 10-12 hours each night and do feel well. I also realize that I have been grieving for Chris for some time as he has lost the ability to do things slowly over the past couple of years. Today I will go and visit his grave, am already working out what to plant with help of a couple of landscape architect friends, one Turkish one British. Luckily, and I mean that, I have work to do as no less than four translation jobs arrived just before Christmas. I was almost through the second one when C died. So I have taken time off but on Monday I shall start translating again. Tomorrow, Sunday, Leyla and I are having a day out. We'll drive along the coast, eat lunch in a lovely small harbour town then visit another beautiful place that L has not yet seen. She and I have both been surprised at how quiet the house is: no throat clearing, coughing, no DVD/radio playing. It really is peaceful and we love it.
So once again thank you to you all. This forum has been invaluable to me whilst caring for Chris. I am sure I'll pop up from time to time and only hope that other people's 'endings' may be as good as ours has been.
pattz, I have only just saw your post and it saddens me. I love the fact though,that he passed so peacefully and I love your turkish traditions! You seem to be coping with your grief in a healthy manner with your daughter. I am impressed with how you are conducting yourself and take note to do as you are doing when the time comes. He is somewhere smiling at you and your lovely daughter and proudly loving both of his strong ladies. Not gone...just gone on ahead
Thanks Jayne. I too have been surprised at the lack of tears. I have cried and I am sure will cry more but the non-stop weeping that overtook me when my father died in 2001 hasn't been evident. I have been grieving for some time over his lost abilities so I hope that is why I am handling it so well. Or maybe it will all catch up with me and I'll be sobbing one day soon. Today the daughter and me had a day out. Drive along the coast, lunch then drive on to another beautiful village by the sea for tea, then home. It seems truly amazing to me that I can get up and go whenever I want to. And the lack of daily laundry mountain has also been noted. Even without C I am plodding on.
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