I've been thinking, guilty thoughts, about getting so angry at Bob right now today. He can really drive me crazy with his following me around the house, on my heels, so when I suddenly turn around he is there shuffling after me talking and asking questions over and over again and not understanding anything I say. "What?" "What"? "what? "what? " what?" continually and "let's leave now" "OK let's leave now" and "What are we going to do? And "Hello?" "I need help!!!!!" shouting somewhere in the house if he loses sight of me "Is anybody here?" I know this is real panic and I also know I have real anger after awhile. So today instead of either screaming ( it happens a lot these days), and later feeling sooooo guilty. I tried to just tell him the truth. He listened and I think he was better after our "talk" or at least I felt better telling him how exhausted and irritable I felt, that I had a cold and really was angry with him for not leaving me alone. I told him that we are in this TOGETHER and that we both are suffering this disease and we both will get through this together but right now I am soooooooo irritable I maybe will scream unless he leaves me alone now.
I think that by my being real about my feelings rather than trying to be some fantasized, cheery, well- groomed, 1950's version of a wife, or nun, or paid nurse, that I am giving him back his person-hood. I am treating him like the man he was rather than the patient he has become and our relationship as husband and wife with all the real tensions and arguments that go with it.
Is this OK? Or am I just rationalizing my weaknesses? "Trying to excuse my outbursts in some fancy way?" He has left me alone now while I write this...A first.