Hurt all ways

[Norapang]

Hi i just found this post - i am from southeast asia . I cried at every post shared here abt yr spouses and hated the disease.

I was married for 34 yrs to my 71 yrs old husband from florida and in his youth he will be flying to/from the usa and asia in business and u till hes diagnosed with PD i 2013 he was still flying - tho less frequent -i was concerned abt his well being n began reading up on PD and then make plans to prepared myself that the journey ahead is going to be long and tough but its ok i am 10 yrs younger and shud be able to handle the challenge - since 2015 till now hes bern i florida and came home a total of 4 weeks i 2 yrs citing biz problem he got to handle in florida - i try to undstd and all i did was prsy for protection for him - then last week a woman msg me n told me shes his wife of 25 yrs and they hv 3 kids - and shes in the usa with him - i crashed short of killing myself - i dont know whats worst - dealing with his unfaithfulness and worry abt his sickness or actually taking care of him till he dies (well guess i will never know now since he got another wife to care for him now) - i still cried every day thinking abt it n still worry abt him heaps! After reading abt what the end wud be like in PD it tears me apart that i wont be there for him (we always had a wonderful relationship) up to the time till his wife msg me he still calls me daily from the usa n told me he loves me - this whole issue is killing me - how am i going to say my goodbyes when his time comes n fid closure to my life -

[easterncedar]

Hi, Norapang. I am very sorry. That's a terrible story, and I don't know how you deal with a trauma like that. Of course you must be heartbroken.

Well, I do know a little about it. I know how painful it is to discover the person you love and are married to, to whom you have devoted your life, is no longer the person he once was, and that there is no way to fix your marriage. It's extremely hurtful, worse than if he had suddenly died. The memories of your happy times are tainted and you don't get closure. That he abandoned you so cruelly must be impossible to reconcile with your understanding of his character.

I bet I'm not the only person here who understands something of what that feels like.

If you were married legally in your country for 34 years, he cannot be legally married to his wife of 25 years in the US. That is a crime in the US. I hope you can afford a lawyer, and can get a proper financial settlement and a legal divorce in your country. And then try to be glad that someone else is going to be stuck with him. It takes time, but you can recover from this.

My advice is for you to take care of yourself as an urgent first priority, and try to put aside your grief until you are safe and free.

I sincerely send you best wishes for peace and healing, ec

[Norapang in reply to easterncedar]

Thanks so much - i lost abt 2 kgs in a week - irony is i was made to feel like i am the 3rd party - one silver lining is that i am released of the duties to care for him in the late stage of PD which i was prepared to sell everything here n go over yo the usa n care for him - i told him so but now its all over - the part i cant let go is the final ugly death of my marriage which i always felt was a wonderful one but alas it not so cos if its a good marriage it shudnt hurt so much - i felt i really got to let it out of my system for the healing to start -tho i still love & missed him - sad sad sad

[Stevewithpsp]

A very good and important question which I cannot presume to know the answer to. In my own experience, my second Melanie simply used an old power of attorney and some devious exploitation of my love for her to, with assistance from her new paramour, extort nearly $800,000.00 from me after which she fled to Holland with him where I presume she now resides.

After running through the full gamut of emotions, from anger to grief, I finally came to realize that while she stole from me, I had given the funds to her because I loved her so much. In the end I accepted that she and my retirement were gone and that I was too sick to do anything about it. So I've manned up and have placed the matter in God's hands. She used to excuse her worst behavior by saying "I know I'm going to Hell anyway." I wonder if she is still saying it now at age 45.

In any event, find a good attorney if such a thing exists where you live to protect yourself legally and force yourself to close that book yourself. I think time is a great healer and is one thing you have that he doesn't. He is serving a life sentence with a horrible ending. (My beloved father died of PD after twenty years of hell on earth.)

There is an old saying that says living well is the best revenge. I believe this is true. Embrace your new life with joy and compassion! Thank the Lord for releasing you from the difficult life of a care giver, wish him the best, and put the sordid and selfish SOB behind you. He is undeserving of your love and devotion and soon he will regret his sin. You must be strong and give him no help in any form once he realizes the extent of his cruel and thoughtless behavior. He will go screaming to his death inside, and possibly outwardly as well. Let the rotten scoundrel burn.

As you may be able to tell I am a monogamous man who values honesty and loyalty above all other character traits. What I suggest will not be easy. He will haunt your dreams and intrude on your happiest moments; but you will find in time those memories fade and are replaced with new positive ones. I envy the opportunity you have before you, especially in this Easter season that I have always associated with renewal. This is my first Easter since my diagnosis and you may view my writings as someone bleeding all over the place emotionally (that is the worst metaphor I've ever used).

Be strong and happy despite him and I believe you will find that it will only get better as time goes on. It's an absolute and amazing luxury he doesn't have. Grieve if you must, but put yourself first and foremost; you've already paid your dues for that right.

With much love from across this crazy world, I remain your admiring friend,

Steve

[Norapang in reply to Stevewithpsp]

Hi steve

Thanks for a very encouraging msg - my heart goes out to you too for the bad experience and marvel at how you are able to put it all behind - yes it just happened to me a week ago n my heart has been bleeding non-stop - tears are turnef on at the drop of a pin - i just cudnt stomach the lies n betrayal - my husband had never provide for me in the 34 yrs of our marriage - always telling me his biz is bad n he cannot contribute - i love him so told him i will carry the burden from mortgage to household ecpenses leaving him free to do what he wanted (never did i ever suspect hes supporting another family) i am totally shattered!

Yes i do agree the only thing i can do is leave it to our Lord and rest in him - i am too exhausted this last one week - it was the most painful n longest one week

I am so glad i am able to share n i am grateful that you care enough to send me a msg inspite of the fact you are sick -i pray the Lord's Healing power on you and like you we look forward to Easter to renew our spirit

I really do want to move on but just that the hurt n pain wont go away - like you said time heals - i will wait n rest in the Lord

Take care and hope we can talk again

Blessings!

Nora

[Stevewithpsp in reply to Norapang]

Glad you took some solace from my message. Just like I refuse to be defined by my diseases, I also refuse to be defined by the actions of my ex. This is even more difficult because she was virtually be my world of outside of the kids and my father. I still feel the wind blow through the large hole in my chest where my heart used to be. Even today, more than a decade after the betrayal began. There is such a thing as loving too much, and I loved her unconditionally. In retrospect, I can only learn to protect myself by avoiding intimacy, leaving me so lonely I don't have the vocabulary to express it.

Sorry to prattle on so. Be strong, learn, and live your life to the fullest. Believe me, God watches and you deserve so much more.

Take care of yourself. With kindest thoughts, I remain

Steve

[Norapang in reply to Stevewithpsp]

Hi there again steve

You are funny n a brave one - inspite of what you been n still going thru you still take time to consol n cheer others - thank you

I know i will eventually get thru my pain but like u said along the journey many things still haunts me - just gotta keep on praying

I pray all the patient & caregivers on these forums will be supplied with divine strength n wisdom to go thru all the difficult times - wat i am going thru rite now pales to wat all of you are going thru

Blessings

Nora

[Stevewithpsp in reply to Norapang]

Glad to help. Take care.

Steve