Hope comes in many forms, from the fingers-crossed-for-luck superficial hope to the deep and abiding Hope that faith brings. It is not a static thing but changes, ebbs and flows, at different times in life. It can be lost and found again. It can mislead us or give us strength. Sometimes it is all we have.
At the moment I am holding on to a hope that is less than tangible, ephemeral, weak; the hope that for Mum the end will come soon and she will be freed from the prison of PSP; the hope that when the end comes it will be quick and peaceful. How fragile this hope is. It does not sustain; it leaves me vulnerable and a little guilty. How can I hope for these things for my Mum? Shouldn't I be railing against fate and fighting tooth and nail to keep Mum with us? And yet I am holding on to Hope at the moment, the Hope that doesn't disappoint, that assures me that for Mum death is not the end and that I will see her again in glory and this Hope gives me strength to face the future. Mum's favourite Psalm is 139, reading it today revived Hope in me.
God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I am an open book to you; even from a distance you know what I am thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I am going to say before I start the first sentence,
I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there too -
Your reassuring presence, coming and going...
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
How I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
All the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day...
Investigate my life, o God, find out everything about me;
Cross-examine me and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong -
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
Psalm 139 The Message.