Telling potential lovers: I know there... - Prostate Cancer A...

Prostate Cancer And Gay Men

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Telling potential lovers

Blueyez2016 profile image
22 Replies

I know there has been discussion here before about the problems of letting potential "dates", "lovers" know that one has had treatment for prostate cancer. It has been 3 1/2 years since my partner died of his lung cancer and life can be lonely after you've been with someone for so long and then find them absent. So I have started checking out different online sites and chatting with fellows. I always feel it is best to be open with them, so after corresponding for a while, and if it looks like things are going well, I tell them that I had prostate cancer treatment almost 13 years ago, I am doing well, undetectable PSA's, still able to obtain erections, but I no longer have ejaculate, then they stop writing to me. Nothing, and then I can never get a hold of them again. It makes me wonder what exactly it is that deters them from continuing something with me? Just the fact that I have had cancer in the past? Is it the lack of ejaculate? That seems pretty superficial. It isn't a lack of erection problem in my case. What gives? Maybe I just shouldn't tell them? That doesn't seem appropriate. This has been both in the S.F. Bay Area and also the Central Coast of CA. These people know I am a widower already so that doesn't seem to bother them. I haven't had any situations where I meet someone face to face and this happens, I suppose I'd have the same problem. Or maybe it is just the safety of the internet where people feel they can just shut you off without any guilt. Anyway, just my thoughts for the day and what better place to share them than here? I complain about it to my dog but he doesn't seem to care, although he'll start licking my hand when I complain so maybe he does.

22 Replies
Tall_Allen profile image

I try to find a subtle way to work it into the pre-coital conversation. I don't want to wait until later when talking about stuff that requires thinking with the brain rather than the penis can take away from the momentum. I have smooth lines like:

- I'm HIV negative and cum-negative too! (change to: “I’m HIV positive but cum-negative” as applicable)

- Don't you think it's environmentally irresponsible to use all those tissues to wipe up cum? I have a way of reducing our tissue use in half!

- Don't you hate it when there's a wet spot on the sheet from someone's cum and no one wants to claim it was his? Well I have a way of proving whose it was.

- I want you to know in advance that I scream at orgasm, and that's how you'll know I've had one.

- If I don't let you suck my nipples or my dick anymore, it's because I've just had an orgasm. I just didn't want you to think it was because I was rejecting you.

- Let me buy you another drink, because you won't be swallowing anything once we get to my place.

- If you need to have the cum experience, I'll put moisturizer in a water pistol, warm it in the microwave, and shoot you with it.

- I want you to know that you don't have to worry about getting pregnant with me.

- I practice a tantric yoga technique where I can isolate cumming from orgasm. It's called the Reverse Fountain pose.

- I do this magic trick where I put on a rubber when I fuck you in the ass and make the cum disappear

Or, I was once with a guy who bragged he could edge me for hours. I decided to let him set a new record.

Blueyez2016 profile image
Blueyez2016 in reply to Tall_Allen

Excellent tips, Tall_Allen! Very creative. Thanks for giving me a laugh!

Allen B.

Handdrummer777 profile image
Handdrummer777 in reply to Tall_Allen

Very well-thought out! And funny. I actually just met someone and he is aok with no ejaculate from me. I'm blessed. He's a terrific person and has a sweet disposition. And he's rugged, tall...quite appealing.

I think gay men are too hung-up on spooge. For a prostate cancer survivor, it's the least loss you can incur.

Handdrummer777 profile image
Handdrummer777 in reply to Handdrummer777

And, I took a chance and told him by text -- and he was very accepting. In my opinion, if you have a sudden end to communications after PC and no-ejac is revealed, the cancer might not bother them but the lack of cum does, because to them, it's like part of the whole ritual is taken away, and that's not right, somehow. Nothing personal. Yeah. Except it does show shallowness. Oh well...

It would seem that hookups would be harder to score, but for a potential love relationship, if that's still an issue, that's not the person you want to be with.

Yehonatan profile image
Yehonatan in reply to Tall_Allen

These comment lines are excellent - that has been one of my big worries - after prostate surgery, no one will want to have anything to do with you. I think this will be equally true with partnered or single guys alike. It's a quandary that I don't think will be easily solved.

jimreilly profile image

If you're gonna fuck someone and you've got a condom on, what difference does it make if there's come or not? So in that case, no need to tell anyone. But if someone is counting on come in their mouth, because that's what turns them on, and you can't supply it, better to tell them ahead of time. Lucky you, no problem with erections--people shouldn't be so damn fussy if you can reliably supply a hard dick. I've found that if I'm not apologetic about my lack of come (and sometime lack of erection, depending on how well the Viagra does the trick) it's less liable to distress the other person. In my case, if someone wants to get fucked I just tell them they can't count of me to do it successfully, but I'm sure willing to try if they're not gonna be too disappointed if I can't. And if then they don't wanna have sex with me, well, better they should know that ahead of time. I don't mean to sound 100% happy about this, I'm not, but I'm sure on better terms with it than I used to be. You'll get there too--don't give up.

Blueyez2016 profile image
Blueyez2016 in reply to jimreilly

All good points Jim. Thanks!

Handdrummer777 profile image
Handdrummer777 in reply to jimreilly

Try Giddy and/or Xialla. Once guys start getting delivery on these and trying them out, the vacuum pump will begin to gather dust on the shelf.

dhl550906 profile image

I love Tall_Allens responses below. I too am upfront on online sites about not being able to either get an erection or cum. I'm sure some of the non-responders on Grindr and Scruff are put off by that. I also tell them I'm a bottom because I can't get hard. Despite this, I have had some success, but not as much as I'd like. I think it's the nature of the beast on the online sites. Good luck finding someone who doesn't care whether or not you cum, but just wants you for you, and be thankful you can still get hard!

Blueyez2016 profile image
Blueyez2016 in reply to dhl550906

I agree about the online sites. I find it hard to believe that someone would outwardly reject someone in a face to face setting. But online, it seems like any behavior goes.

Thank you.

Tommy459 profile image
Tommy459 in reply to dhl550906

I’ve just been bottoming more and loving it!

I read though that being a bottom puts one more at risk for anal ca.

Has anyone ever read that??

Aodh profile image

My favourite is .....

- If you need to have the cum experience, I'll put moisturizer in a water pistol, warm it in the microwave, and shoot you with it.

Now all that I need is to find a gay man, any gay man to say it to! It’s not that I’m desperate (though I suppose that I have been for 40 years!), it’s just that I live in rural Ireland, a place where pedestrians wave at all passing motor vehicles (they don’t have to do it that often around here!!).

I’m sorry that I don’t have anything positive to contribute, but I find ALL humans can behave differently online than in real life, and it’s called progress (the bitch in me is trying to get out!). For those that ‘disappear’, call it a lucky escape......

Blueyez2016 profile image
Blueyez2016 in reply to Aodh

Lucky escape indeed! It is exactly what I’ve been thinking lately. Their behavior speaks to their character. It appeared they liked and were interested in me up until the time I told them I had been treated for cancer and that I had a side effect from treatment. Then they no longer respond? I guess in the future I will say something only on an as needed basis.

MarkBarnes profile image

I feel you. Dating is hard, especially online where superficiality can reign. I wait until after I've met someone. The reaction is frequently the same, but not always. I don't say anything about the ejacualate because often no one is looking so it's not an issue. Some men have relatively little ejaculate, so I don't go overboard to volunteer that info. And some men and women find ejaculate either gross, or a nuisance, so there are people who view this as a non-issue.

If you're having satisfactory erections, perhaps try to keep things closer to the vest until the time is right.

Justt profile image

Liquid Love..This made me recall a bit of Zygmunt Bauman and his repeated effort in telling us these are liquid days, and "everything" is liquid:

Unlike 'real relationships', 'virtual relationships' are easy to enter and to exit. They look smart and clean, feel easy to use, when compared with the heavy, slow-moving, messy real stuff. ZB

In a liquid modern life there are no permanent bonds, and any that we take up for a time must be tied loosely so that they can be untied again, as quickly and as effortlessly as possible, when circumstances change - as they surely will in our liquid modern society, over and over again.

Zygmunt Bauman

dadzone43 profile image

This was discussed at length at the MaleCare conference in New York earlier this month. There were two main messages: 1. the time to tell is NOT when you are climbing into bed for the first time. 2. There are many potential partners who only see intimacy as what you do with a penis. There are others who value intimacy of another sort. It is a challenging search. I am up front about it. If erection and ejaculation are the goal, then that is not the relationship for me.

TucsonCowboy profile image

I just want you to know you are not alone. I had RP surgery in 2013 and communicate with guys my situation. When I tell guys on the web I do not have a wet ejaculation, in most cases communication stops. Then when I communicate that my "equipment" gets frame but sometimes does not stay hard, conversation over. I am truly sorry for what is happening to you but you are not alone!! In my opinion, I can preform oral but it does not get that far.

Blueyez2016 profile image

Thanks everyone for the comments and advice. It is helpful to see what others are going through and how they approach the situation.

spencoid2 profile image

Something that has not been considered it the fear of cancer. This may also be a contributing factor. Even though most people with a brain know intellectually that cancer is not contagious, there is still the possibility that someone is afraid of contact with someone who has or had cancer. They also may lose interest in a relationship with someone who may continue to be sick.

I am married and monogamous so have not experienced the dating aspect personally. My husband shows no interest in sex but that is likely to be because of his low T and very low general energy. I think I was always the one who initiated sex (it has been so long I forget) and I have had little interest due to several complications. This should not be a problem anymore so maybe I will try harder.

As we got older and could no longer have multiple orgasm sex for hours we started experimenting with toys. I developed a sex machine that is specifically intended to be used with others. Most fucking machines are simple reciprocating devices and to me are pretty boring once you have tried them a little. I always felt that the best sex was like music, a combination of predictability and surprise that can only happen with input from something other than yourself. Masturbation is good for a release of sexual tension but it can never be as exciting as sex with others.

My machine can best be described as a motion amplifier. It has a hand control which I call the joystick. Moving the joystick produces a corresponding motion of the motor that moves the attached dildo or other toy. It is extremely sensitive and responsive. Everything you put into the joystick is immediately (almost(I am a technical person and obsess on details, the delay is milliseconds)) copied by the motor but with great force. My husband is (was) an excellent fucking machine operator. We had sex listening to music (my favorite is heavy classical music played on my player piano) and he could follow even complex rhythms and counter rhythms in his control of the machine. I could go on and on about the machine but in summary we had the best sex ever with this machine and a dick is not required.

Once the dick is less available it might be time to consider alternatives. I know there are all sorts of special interest people. Maybe it would make sense to look for others into dildos or anything else for that matter and forget about the dick. The lack of firm erections and cum might no longer be an issue.

I am hoping to get Steve interested in sex again and will report back what it is like if people are interested. Before my "complications"and maybe even before radiation treatment I had built the best machine ever that is very robust,powerful and reliable but we hardly used it.

I have a web blog with a lot of information about the machine and instructions for building your own. It has been very difficult to get people to understand what is different about my machine or maybe most people don't care about the difference but the few people who do and have built one have been very impressed.

If you can't get anyone interested in playing with a machine together, you can always do it yourself but that is not nearly as much fun as having control by a partner.

If anyone is interested I will provide the link to my blog.

I will be back from traveling soon and as soon as I get caught up with work and fixing whatever disasters occurred while we were gong, I am going to try to get the husband interested in sex again. I might end up on ADT again and want to do this before that happens.

Handdrummer777 profile image
Handdrummer777 in reply to spencoid2

I'm the guy who's been promoting the instructions for my Loop device, which has carried me through ADT with reliable erections. And touting the effectiveness of the two new FDA-tested devices -- Giddy and Xialla.

Through some Divine synchronicity, these two radically-different devices can work together, because they stimulate different areas of your package and therefore don't compete positionally.

I would urge you to get those two devices...and they together can be combined with the Loop, so you have a trio of ED devices working simultaneously.

Certainly, though, your sex machine sounds intriguing....and sexy, for goodness sake!

Please send me the link.

Honestly up front is best

Bcgkelly profile image

I don’t think that not telling someone you have had cancer in advance is in any way being dishonest. I agree with Allen. There’s a lot more to sex than cum most of which goes into a condom anyway. If your cancer treatment was so long ago there is no need to tell them in advance unless things start to get serious with someone & even then you made it to 13 years and are probably more likely to die from being hit by a bus.

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