What I want before the surgery - Prostate Cancer A...

Prostate Cancer And Gay Men

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What I want before the surgery

ELPJr profile image
23 Replies

I am not sure if this is an appropriate venue but I want to get it off my chest. Apologies if it is not appropriate. I will delete if asked.

I am truly sexually versatile but have not been a bottom in a very long time. Most sex with men has been mutual masturbation and only occasionally topping.

To prepare for the possible post surgery ED I have been doing a lot of masturbation alone and at a bate club (use it or lose it).

However nowadays with the surgery looming all I can think of is that I would like to get fucked at least once beforehand.

I guess it’s just part of the anxiety speaking.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I hope it’s OK.

23 Replies
YostConner profile image

You should not feel bad about sharing your feelings. Although it probably will not feel the same, after an appropriate healing period, you will also be able to bottom again after surgery. Good luck in your hunt now and for your surgery.

Darryl profile image

You are not alone...building pre-treatment memories is something almost everyone here considered. That said, post-treatment life will have problems and challenges, but will be a lot more emotionally and sexually gratifying than many men imagine. Impotence sucks. Not having ejaculate sucks. But, you are doing what you feel you need to do to live a long and happy life ... most men on in the Malecare communities here find their way there.

NashTim profile image

I think this IS the appropriate venue for you to post this in and I think you should go for it...

Tall_Allen profile image

Did you meet with experts at non-surgical alternatives? Loss of erectile function is just one of many possible sexual difficulties associated with surgery, which includes size loss, climacturia, anorgasmia and Peyronies.. Since you are losing the nerves in your prostate, the sensation of bottoming may be affected too.

Whipper profile image

Absolutely, this IS the appropriate venue. I understand your feeling that you want to get fucked before your surgery and I say go for it. As YostConner said, you will be able to bottom again. Topping, however may take some work. I am participating in the "Restore Study" that has been mentioned on here. My cancer treatment involved only Radiation and Hormone Therapy. I ended up totally ED, but am now doing daily exercises that are definitely having a positive effect. My goal is to fuck my partner at least once before I die!! (But I know he won't let me stop at just once) :-) As Darryl said, not having ejaculate sucks but my orgasms are so much greater than ever before (yes, you can have an orgasm with a soft dick!).

ELPJr profile image
ELPJr in reply to Whipper

Thanks and good luck!

Darryl profile image

As Whipper mentioned, there is the Restore study, which you will likely qualify. You can sign up for more information and start the onboarding process here: malecare.org/restore

ELPJr profile image
ELPJr in reply to Darryl

Yes. I signed up. Thanks.

michael42301 profile image

My lord, go for it.

ELPJr profile image
ELPJr in reply to michael42301

Yes. Working on it. Thanks.

jimreilly profile image

hey, hope you get to do it---and you'll be able to bottom afterwards, too (after waiting to heal)--I actually think it's a little easier for me to bottom now than it was before surgery (based on somewhat limited experience afterwards)--maybe that enlarged prostate was making it more difficult before?--but do know, for most of us, there is sex and satsifying sex of one kind or another possible after surgery! yes, the changes suck in general, but.....

WallaWallaB profile image

I share your concern. I had surgery on November 27. Earlier in November, I spent five days/four nights in Las Vegas and dubbed it as my "Bon Voyage Prostate Tour." My surgeon was even able to laugh with me about it. I appreciated having done that and don't have ANY regrets.

ELPJr profile image
ELPJr in reply to WallaWallaB

Good for you! 😄👍🏿

spencoid2 profile image

I would certainly go for it now, depending on your circumstances, it may be a while before you can bottom again. It has been about 5 years since my radiation therapy and did get fucked after a reasonable healing period. I do not recall that it was any less enjoyable than before. I think that I got the most stimulation from anal nerves not my prostate and that does not change.

And a question for the experts: I had a TURP after radiation and it has been two years with all sorts of urinary problems. I think I am finally healed and am going to get a CT scan and cyctoscopy tomorrow even though it might not be very diagnostic for my current condition. One of the reasons for going ahead with the procedures is that I hope to find that I have in fact healed as much as I think I have and that I will be able to get fucked again. I have always (except for the last few years) been versatile but getting fucked by dildos by my very skilled husband is what i miss the most.

How do I know that it will be OK to get fucked? Should I ask the urologist tomorrow his opinion? I am afraid that he might give me an answer that I do not want. I have not been fucked in over 3 years and for someone who has experienced great anal sex that is a real disappointment.

Handdrummer777 profile image

Are you absolutely sure that surgery is right for you? Because it's not "possible ED"; it's "definite ED" after surgery. For how long? Of course that varies from patient to patient. But the stats are intimidating. You may be in a situation where RT isn't a good option, or not available. Just hope you've had enough info to make a good choice, all things considered. Good luck!

ELPJr profile image
ELPJr in reply to Handdrummer777

Thanks. Three opinions. All said that treatment is necessary either radiation or surgery. I am working on getting a consultation from NIH.

Handdrummer777 profile image

Radiation-induced ED kicks in gradually: RiED. More chance of bowel difficulties. Less ED, at least short-term.

Surgery-induced ED is immediate; so is the incontinence. Chance pf recovering your erectile functioning is considerably less than 50%. You can beat the odds by being proactive in getting as many post-surgery erections as you can per week.

You may require salvage radiation and/or ADT anyway. I had a 30-40% chance of needing that post-RP. Fuck that. Put up with 8-1/2 weeks or less of hopefully IMRT, best case VMAT treatments, and steel your proactive self for possible ADT participation. It's so much fun dealing with these side effects 😒.

TimCo profile image

I hope you get your consult with NIH. I had RP June 2014 and no treatment has been necessary since. In retrospect I would have given much more consideration to alternative treatment to RP. 85% past incontinence. ED really sucks and will consider penile implant

when the time is right for that surgery. I wish you all the best on your journey and thanks too for your frank sharing.

ELPJr profile image
ELPJr in reply to TimCo


dhl550906 profile image

Since surgery I've had to bottom as I currently, now about 18 months post-op, have no erectile function; hope you get someone to help you out prior to surgery. I had similar feelings prior to the surgery and went to a gay resort which did help (although happened to go just prior to hurricane hitting, so had to leave ahead of schedule), even though I mostly bottomed prior to surgery. Good luck with your surgery - I hope your surgery doesn't affect your erectile function.

Handdrummer777 profile image

I'm sorry you have not recovered erectile function so far. That must be a depressing situation for you. Don't know to what extent you've engaged in penile rehab (pills/pump/injections). Don't give up; you deserve to have good erections. Remember, there is the penile implant, and AMS has a model which apparently does not shorten your penis.

Before you resort to that, I suggest you try the JoyLoop, which you make yourself per my instructions. Those are available in a link amidst my postings. This device has greatly aided my ability to tolerate, and largely triumph over, the ED effects of RT and especially ADT.

Best of luck to you!

Bcgkelly profile image

I say go for it and enjoy some sex prior to surgery cause the loss afterward is immediate. I have never been able to or enjoy bottoming so that’s not an option for me. I have been working hard over the months to try get some function back with a pump, viagra and Caverject injections. I can get hard but my penis lacks any strength and penetration has not been possible. Despite several attempts. I recently had an appointment with a specialist who advised me that he didn’t think I would be able with drugs to get hard enough for penetration. He has said that he will operate when I’m three months post radiotherapy to give me an implant and advised me that the coloplast genesis is the best option for me. I’ve been trying to find someone that has had it done already without success. It’s a pity that the trial is restricted to America but I look forward to the results. Although ED is immediate after surgery it doesn’t have to mean the end of a sex life.

dhl550906 profile image


Know just how you feel. Hopefully you retain your ability to have an erection post surgery. I presume you don't have a partner, which makes it hard. Hopefully you have sympathetic family, and aren't having to go through this alone.

If you can find someone to bottom for prior to surgery, go for it! Usually have to wait a few months post-op before you can bottom again.

Good luck.

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