Depression and sex after Prostate Surgery

I am 58 years old and have had a long term relationship for 37 years. In june of last year (2016) I had Gall Bladder Surgery and after a few bouts in the Hospital finally had a stent put in and then started getting better. In August of 2016 i found out i had PC and decided to have the prostate removed, I had open surgery in Dec (the 20th to be precise) and felt every thing was fine. In Jan i gave up all pads as I wasnt leaking at all after the catheter was removed. and have healed fairly well. I am unable to have any real good erections, I mean i do get enlarged and it grows a little but not hard. I have lost about 2 1/2 inches since surgery and have tried the pumps, they do get me hard but i have to use something like a ring to keep me hard for a few minutes. I have fallen into a real bad depression about the surgery and sex and am lost. I have always been versital in bed and since early last year have had no sex whatsoever. I love my man but am scared and dont feel if i can ever measure up again with him. He says sex is not important but thats easy for him to say ... He can still get it up and have sex. Now my problem is how can i get over this and start having some sort of a sex life again. I stated earlier that i lost inches and that is normal from what i have read, the size i am not that worried about as i was almost 9 inches before surgery so now i guess i am about normal now. lol, I have started to go to a Psychologist to help with my depression and have started to see some light at the end of the tunnel. But i need help from men who have gone thru this to understand what i can expect and what i can do. I hope this is making sense but i have to do something and not doing anything is just tearing me apart. I want to have a full and happy life after prostate cancer and surgery and never thought that i would go thru this depression and these feelings. I thought i knew what to expect and everything would turn out all right but if these thoughts and feelings are going to be for the rest of my life i dont know if i can handle them. No dont worry i am not thinking of any kind of suicide or hurting myself but just want to start feeling better. And i know that someone out there has answers may not be the ones i want to hear but what i need to hear and give suggestions. I am all ears and am willing to do what i can to get better. My email is if you wish to email me or can answer this post. Thanks all ,,, Randy

15 Replies

  • Keep up the penile rehab - the pump may be able to help you regain some of the lost size. But you have to do it religiously - at least everyday. Some guys do it 3x per day. You should be able to get rock hard erections with Trimix injections- ask your urologist for a scrip. I assume you use ED meds as well.

    I'm glad you're seeing a therapist - coping with this new normal can be challenging, and hard on relationships. Less than a quarter of men get back to baseline erectile function after surgery. Only 37% are able to have erections sufficient for vaginal penetration after bilateral nerve-sparing surgery - they don't ask about anal penetration specifically, but because a stiffer erection is required, the number would be less. I hope the trimix gets you back to where you want to be.

  • Tall_Allen, I am not worried about the size as much as the erection itself in that i have been very blessed in the size dept but its no good if it dont get erect. No i dont use any ED meds as the Urologist never said anything about them. But i will check with my VA Urology dept and they can do that for me. As far as the sex side i have always been the bottom for my man and have only switched a few times but he does like to play with it and i still want to please him. I just dont feel that i can please him like i use to but i know thats all in my head.

  • I can empathize with you with adapting to a new normal. I'm still coping after a year of diagnostic. I have a different problem which I have no issues with erection but my Firmagon (testosterone killer) deprives me of any drive and libido to have sex. It's quite a shocker when I was not so long ago a very sexually positive person, single or in partnership. Tall_Allen is, to my experience, always helpful so I would look into his recommendations. A therapist is great, and good communication with your partner will certainly be important.

    As cliche it may sound, you are not alone, and this blogging community is a good way to put our angst out there. I wish you the best luck and keep posting if you need to.

  • Thanks StephanB

  • You don't say if you have tried any drugs (e.g. Viagra, Cialis) or the injection kind. Many people find those helpful...... Did your surgeon or anyone else talk you through any of these issues ahead of time? afterwards? also, many people can have some sexual satisfaction even when not hard, although obviously that takes some adjusting. You say you have had no sex whatsoever.....maybe you and your partner need to talk about some of the things the two of you still could do together....if you were versatile before there still must be some possibilities even without getting hard, and then if the drugs help.....

  • No the Surgeon has said nothing about what to expect except that i should not have any problems getting erections again. but he did state that i would not ejaculate anymore. but I have requested my GP in the VA to refere me to the urology or sexual problem section of the VA for more assistance as they are the ones that will probably deal with the ED and such.

  • great--the sooner you get to them the better--good luck!

  • I understand where you are coming from. I had surgery June 13, 2016, lost some size, was doing pretty good as far as leakage after a couple months, urgency and some squirts. After my second follow up my PSA was rising. Was sent to Radiation Oncologist. Started hormone therapy and then radiation 2 months later. The hormones therapy wiped out any sexual desire. After a couple of weeks of radiation I was having uncontrollable urgency and bowel issues. I quit the radiation after 15 treatments and hormone treatments. I lost more size, because to the radiation and had horrible urgency for weeks. The hormones hang on for a long time. Now 5 months after quitting everything I can say I am doing better. The size issue will never change, erections happen and are fair to not to bad. More the size issue, which after the radiation I have lost almost half. It is almost like I am uncut. I tried the meds for erections, but they give me a headache and cost a fortune. Not covered by insurance. Ordered some from overseas, at a lot lower cost, but have decided they are are not worth it, because of the headaches. As far as injections, that would be a HELL NO. Talk about a mood killer. Pumps, not interested. Time seems to be the best answer and not dealing with the stress of toys, pills, injections. We will never be back to our old normal. But walking away from treatment has reduced my stress level a ton. I just took my life back, I may regret it down the road. But I wish I had done any treatment to begin with. I have total buyers remorse. I was pretty well versed in what to expect from a couple of guys I know that had been through it. But the doctors are pretty tight lipped, for sure and pretty much untruthful in what the do say. I am probably worst person to talk to about the whole issue, because I am bitter and feel a made a huge mistake by have surgery and starting radiation. But I am now comfortable with my current choices and have no plans for any further follow ups or treaments.

  • As you can see it is different for every "victim"! I regretted the surgery for years and sometimes I still do...after 6.5 years. I think depression is part of the recovery process. I've been using a pump regularly but only to kepp my penis healthy, not for sex. It has helped tremendously. I used to be strictly top and now that's changed.....I've been getting way more versitile. I've never done the shot in the dick but I've tried almost everything else. I don't care for "Muse" because trying to penetrate my husband hurt like felt like my cock was gonna explode, not in a good way! Hang in there, maybe we'll email each other privately but I know we can talk about anything and everything on this site. Be strong.

  • Thanks Koiboi for your response. Its only been less than a year for me and the depression hit me like a ton of bricks. i have been depressed since March and am just getting over it. I am trying to hang in there and i know that i will make it eventually, I have used the pump as they said to make sure blood gets to it. I havent done it every day but try at least once a week. I used to have a enlarged prostate before the cancer and am glad that it is out as i can go to the bathroom like a teen again. and i dont need pads since the catheter was removed. no leaks whatsoever. i have never used Muse, or shots or pills but i have a telephone appt with my primary on Monday to discuss it. I am mostly a bottom for my husband of 35 years. but we havent had sex for about 4 years now due the the enlarged prostate and hemmorroid surgery he said it was too tight for him to enter. I know he loves me tho and i do want to get back into lovemaking as we are both just too young (58) to give up sex. I am not comfortable talking about this tho except in general in a public forum so if you do want to email me that will be fine and maybe you can give me suggestions or tips on how i can overcome this obstical as you have seemed to be doing a lot better than me. but if you want to keep it like this i will try and be honest as i can. But i know i do need help. My lover is only the 2nd person i have ever been with and we have been together since we were 21 and the other was for 2 years before that. so i dont have a lot of experience as far as sex goes. Thanks again and hope to hear more from you

  • Hey I want my prostate back LOL

  • Your not the only one. Do they have prosthetics for prostates ?

  • Am having removal in 2 weeks. Very mixed emotions. The blogs have answered and raised many questions. I appreciate that! Any special type of pump or any generic type?

  • As with the other guys, each journey is unique. I had prostate removed 3 years ago it is a much bigger deal than I ever realized. Most men don't talk about it so I just wasn't aware.

    However, I am cancer free! A great feeling. My heart goes out to those who have to still battle for containment.

    I use the pump with great results. Have accomplished penetration with the pump and ring. However, I have become an enthusiastic bottom. I get firm enough that my partners seem satisfied.

    It is life changing but we are alive! Miss the cum but less messy! Orgasms are intense. I haven't notice any size change but was only average so was not a point of pride any way.

    Deep breath. Talk to your partner. Perhaps some romance to lure him back into having intercourse. .

  • I had RP by Da Vinci in 11/2008. They prescribed me Cialis daily right from the start, but I got bad leg pains. They gave me Levitra but that didn't help much. I was with a guy who used the pump and tried it, but didn't work for sex. I hadn't thought or been recommended to use it just to get the blood flowing. Don't know how that would work at this point. I started masturbating as soon as the catheter came out. No partner and I wasn't comfortable with going on the hunt with a limp dick that leaked pee at just the thought of a hot man.

    I understand the depression. I've dealt with it all my life, but if it's new to you, there are meds that can get you through the tough spot and you won't need to stay on them once you resolve the issue. Ask about if you haven't yet.

    My personal take is that if you are comfortable being bottom and your man is not the one holding back, find a way to get yourself to just jump back in the saddle. I think a solution is more likely to come up if you are involved, than waiting for complete rehab before you try.


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