Reject

[Me4young]

I lost my parnerof 28 years at the same time I was diagnosed with prostate cancer.This is now 14 years ago, and although I've met nice possibilities, the moment I mention the cancer, the interest is gone. I so wish there was a support group in Cape Town!

[willp4real]

Hello Me4young,

Welcome to the group and thank you for your post. What we experience on our life journey can sometimes bring us to our knees! My life (Post radical prostatectomy) has changed profoundly. I cannot imagine going through this trauma and losing a life partner at the same time. I may not be able to identify with your specific circumstances. I can however, relate to being single, longing for intimacy, wanting to be touched, held and loved! Yet, feeling such an emotional and physical void as we search and hope for someone who will except and love us unconditionally for who we are! I can also relate to losing my best friend. I wish I had a pill to make us feel better in that respect! Nevertheless, I have directed and focused my energy in projects that I’m passionate about and things that favorably impact the lives of others. I have found a new sense of gratification and appreciation in other blessings, as I continue to adjust and except my new life reality. In the meantime, I continue to meet people and present my authentic self with faith and hope that someone will see and feel my heart, and deposit and emotional investment in a friendship based on who we are and not what we need. The internet in a gift in providing you with a support group in Cape Town. That’s what this is. We may be thousands of miles away, but our common plight has us communicating, identifying and hopefully filling an emotional void with support in what’s become our exclusive community. I have been encouraged by other members in this group. I hope you will be as well!

[Me4young in reply to willp4real]

HI Will,

,I think trauma can help cancer along, and I never thought my relationship would break up.

Having said that, 14 years later and still being cancer free, makes me greatfull for a second life. Like you I got involved with our local Hospice organization here, and through being in Rotary we could help Hospice a lot.

Your description of the need one have for intimacy, wanting to be hold ,touched an loved, is so true, and yet you dare not alow anybody to near you because when the hand goes down, you fall flat on your face.

I remember only to well one evening that I went to a very up market occation and sitting at the table with most gorgeous looking man. He asked me to outside and have a cigarette, and before I could say "no" I was in the seventh heaven kissing and letting go, and then came the bucket of cold water when his hand went there. The embarrassment of that moment should have cured me for ever from physical contact, but oh, I so need that.

I think making friends with other guys in the same position is maybe the answer, and, who knows, one might find love again!

I'm not sure how private this conversation with you is?

Regards

Gert

[Me4young in reply to willp4real]

Hi Will, I accidentally stumbled upon the health unlock again, and read your message to me.

I am wondering how you are. my e-mail:

[e-mail]

I hope I may send it to you

Regards

Gert

[Darryl Partner]

Look up a South African nonprofit called Cansir. They are a Malecare affiliate

[Me4young]

Hi Darryl,

Thanks for your reply.

There is a stage after discovering your cancer that you want to discuss your options and learn from other people that had to make these decisions before you. In the village where I live doctors has recommended men to talk to me when diagnosed.

I could have a full prostatectomy 14 years ago, still do SPA tests regularly, and although having lost my erection 60%, I would love to have a MAN again to love and to hold.

The support groups, at that devastating stage of your life (although I was not aware of them 14 years ago) could surely be of great benefit.

Then come the stage where meeting a new man who would understand your predicament is a problem.

Therefore a forum where "damaged" men can meet and work on a future rather than talk about the trauma you worked through.

IN the UK I see they have a club like that once a week for dinner or a drink.

I presume one can start something like that here in Cape Town, but me living 2 hours away, it will not be possible.

Regards

Gert

[andrewc775]

Hi Gert,

I can certainly empathise with you, having been diagnosed with prostate cancer just at the time I was starting to emerge from grieving the loss of a loved one.

My prostatectomy was only 18 months ago and any thoughts of dating had to be put on further hold for most of that period due to disastrous incontinence which was was resolved only at the end of 2017 by further surgery (an artificial urinary sphincter). That still leaves me with erectile problems but I have decided to go the whole hog and have surgery to help with that too - I am scheduled to get a penile implant 4 weeks from today.

So I have yet to set out upon the path you have been travelling and I think I recognise that it is likely to be a difficult one. We are, after all, fishing in a relatively small pool! The positive thought to keep hold of, I would suggest, is that if we are fortunate enough to meet someone with whom we connect on an emotional level, any physical shortcomings will be less significant and we will be content to make the best of what we still have.

As regards support groups, yes, it is good to be able to meet with other gay men who have had pc. I do occasionally attend one such group here in the UK but it is too far away for me to go more often. I’m not quite sure which UK group you are referring to - presumably one in London? - but for me (and probably 80% of men in the UK) that is so far away that it might as well be in Cape Town! The Prostate Cancer UK charity is currently trialling a monthly online discussion group for gay men which operates over a video link. It’s not a bad alternative to being able to meet in person. There have been rather few participants so far, which I think is a pity, but if you are interested you can read about it on their website and there’s no reason you couldn’t participate from South Africa - the time difference is not too great! The March meeting is the last currently scheduled though, pending a review of how to take things forward.

Hope these thoughts are of some help

Best wishes

Andrew

[Me4young]

Hi Andrew, I am so chuffed by hearing from so many guys that is postive and thankful about having survived cancer. Living in South Africa is a bit far off to invite you for a visit, but nothing is impossible??

I've made peace with my situation as is, and I think if one can meet with people you are sure is not going to laugh at you when you take your clothes off, I think one can built even a more meaningful relationship than the one I started at 23 and was all about the hunger for sex. It lasted 28 years and I never needed anything but him, so maybe I had enough of that.

THE BEST IS YET TO COME

[andrewc775]

Hey, some good positive thoughts there Gert! It would be great to visit SA again one day, so who knows?

[andrewc775]

PM’d you yesterday Gert

[Me4young in reply to andrewc775]

ANDREW, I did send my e-mai dares, but do it again

Regards

Gert

[Me4young]

Hi Andrew, I did send my e-mail adres.Seems you did not get it?

Regards

Gery