I often post on here when I need support
I am trying to cope with my life to the best way I can and I told my Mother that she puts all of her worries on me
She was very cross with me
She has support and friends but when I told her this she lashed out
But sadly with her friends and her cousin who has insulted me she again would never shout at them like she would with me
The ability to reply to this post has been turned off.
Hi
I really feel for you as I know how much you are struggling at the moment. Could you show her this forum? It might make her see how much you are struggling and suffering. Pm me anytime. Take care and stay safe. All my love Lynne xxxx ❤️🤗🌈💜
I have sent you a message by PM
I’m thinking and praying for you 😊
Take care and know that you have friends with a listening ear x
Hi
I am very lucky as I had two wonderful parents who gave myself and my brother a wonderful childhood. I just really feel for Roukaya and Galen_writer and wish they'd had lovely parents like me.
I hope you are keeping well. Love and hugs Lynne xxxx
Hi Roukaya. Unfortunately we always lash out at our nearest and dearest. I think we do this because, subconsciously, we know they love us and will forgive us.
Despite having other means of support it is obvious that you are your mum’s go to person, which is quite natural. You are her closest relation.
Have you told her you are struggling? If you haven’t, it might be worthwhile doing so. Let her know you are having difficulty coping at the moment, that you are trying hard, but that it is difficult.
Thank you for answering
My Mother is someone who always puts herself first
She has no idea how I manage
She made this very clear when she had someone in her life
He became her priority and I was put aside
When he became abusive I stood up to him
And then she came back
I realise she is someone who cares about herself first
I always a second
She would never treat her friends and relatives as she treats me
This is was I had regular sessions with a Psychotherapist but in the end she told me I sound like a child and I behave like a child
Hi,
I can relate to this. My mother is just the same. I am an only child my Dad is no longer her so she is all i have left. I tend to walk away for a few days when it gets too much and tread carefully when I know what mood she is in. The silence is bliss and my heart chills out beautifully throughout this period.
I do this for my own sanity as I have my life and my health to consider whilst she has what is left of hers. All I know is however long that is it won't be insulting me.
When I have mentioned I am struggling and I would like a bit of support now and then, first i get my age quoted at me then I get don't be so silly, then I get you have to grow up.
It is narcissism/sociopathic behaviour and the only advice they is to Cut contact. Please take care try not to let it get to you. I am sure you are wonderful like me. Haha. Message me anytime. X
Good morning
How are you
Very interesting
As my Mother is alone overseas she got hysterical as I did not ring early as I normally do
I think I realise what she has put me through and I have failed exams , failed to secure employment since my Father died two years ago
She will get hysterical if I do not maintain contact
I realise all to well what she is saying
She lives overseas has a network of friends and relatives
I am the one who has no one as my life revolved around her
I am actually fifty years old an only child unmarried and unemployed
I am tying to become a Wills and Probate Practitioner
But I have struggled for three years
Getting hysterical is a controlling action, she knows you will fall for it every time, as a dutiful daughter.
Please don't continue to fall for it or she will have you at her beck and call forever.
Sometimes I think she may want you to fail your exams so she can keep you under her control, and get pity from other folk because of her failure daughter, Do Not Go There.
Be less available to her, so she cannot keep dragging you down. Trying to make a living here is hard enough, and you need your exams to make a reasonable living. Your Mum won't be there forever, so you must make yourself moderately successful,
Cheers, Midori
Good morning
How are you
I hope you are well
Thank you for your advice
She is a skilled manipulative woman who is an actress
As the Psychotherapist said, it suits her for me to fail and to be unemployed
This will explain why she would get her anger in the eve of my exams and I have failed for three years
I blame myself really as she is the controlling manipulative Mother
I am seeing a side which I did not before
I will try to cope
You have given excellent advice
Spot in
My late husband was a Gold Medal Narcissist. Even when he suicided he was trying to control me, and his family carried on, even accusing me of murder.
I know the signs.
Cheers, Midori
This is why you have such understanding
You can see my main purpose is to serve her wants and needs hence to fail the exams and struggle to find employment
After her hysterical behaviour she had gone to the hairdresser
It is all an act
Thank you
Much appreciated
Good Afternoon
I hope you are well
This piece of advice is excellent
It is very true
Deep down whether I succeed or fail means very little to her
It is her life and her Narcisstic tendencies they need continual reassurance
This is why when I sent her pictures of Roses for Mother’s Day not even a thank you or acknowledgement
It was only when I saw the video link of me that I saw a child talking
My mannerisms and behaviour very infantile
I realise where I have gone wrong
Thank you fir your very kind words of understanding
I hope your house looks beautiful in time
Hi Roukaya, Sorry your mum has managed to upset you again. I wonder if she might get less volatile if you just bit your tongue whenever you feel like pointing out that, in reality, she's not doing too badly. (And is in a better position that you currently are). Many mums take the view that they can say what they wish to their childen (no matter how big or mature their children are). They feel they have that right. It's not necessarily true that they do, but to stop them wounding you further, it's best not to metaphorically poke them. If you do, you are likely to get a reaction that's upsetting.
And now that she has upset you, try and see if you can manage to let go of your hurt feelings. I know it can be a really difficult thing to do, but it's better than feeling emotionally upset over cruel words. Just because words are spoken, does not necessarily mean they are true.
Take care 🙏🌺
Hello
I hope you are well
I think I said that she puts all of her worries on to me this set her off
But if ever others talk to her like this , she is always polite to them
It is the double standards
She cares about herself first
This became clear when she had someone in her life
When he became abusive it ended
Now she has friends she has time for them and puts all of her worries on me
My mother is the same way. I felt very hurt for many decades. I don’t know if your mother has the same diagnosis my mother has; my mother is a narcissist. I am in my 50s and she is in her 70s. I have finally found peace by moving 2 hours away from her, and by setting very firm boundaries with her. We do not exist for the convenience or gratification of our mothers. I had to push her out of my inner circle, and focus on my family of choice who nourish and support me. I wish you the best.
It would seem you have a great understanding of the situation
I was seeing a Psychotherapist as she is a. Narcissistic and I am the empath
Which means I echo the needs and wants of a Narcissist Mother
She lives away from me
Since my Father died also a Narcissist parent , I have been trying to obtain a Diploma in Wills snd Probate and find a years work experience
For three years I have been trying
I am unemployed and unmarried and I realise it is very wrong how she treats me
I am fifty and she is seventy two
Wow, we are alike. I am an empath too. I am on federal work comp, looking for a way to finish a degree and free myself from government dependence. I wish you the best!
It would seem that we are both seeking our financial independence and we are similar in age
I wonder if your depression and anxiety is triggered by your Mothers behaviour towards you
I would be pleased if you would answer my post as your Mother has the same characteristics as mind
I’m sorry if it takes time for me to reply to posts. Sometimes depression and anxiety drive me to my knees, and I need time to recover enough to respond.
I have to understand this
I would be pleased for your to answer when you can
Thank you fir listening
Me too.
I also have PTSD. Childhood issues. I am complex. There is no one source. For example, depression and anxiety run in my family (probably both a nature and nurture problem), both of my parents were drinking alcoholics, there was a role reversal where I was parenting my mother—at 6 or 8 yrs of age! In my 50s, I have had lots of life experiences that affect my relationship with my mother. Now, I am a non-drinker, and she is a hard-drinking alcoholic. It’s hard to tease out causation. For example, if she has a personality disorder (Narcissism or Borderline), then no matter what I do, that disorder will always be a dominant factor. You know? I don’t know. What do you think?
Very interesting
I understand more then you think
I had a disadvantaged childhood
After studying law I failed to secure the practical training to qualify
I then become my Fathers carer and his Attorney
Then the demanding behaviour of my Mother started
I was pressurised to act on her behalf because my Father had found a to get woman
My Father two years ago
I was discarded when she met a man
When he became abusive the anger and rejection ever since is targeted at me
She has a cousin who has badly insulted me She is good friends with her
Since my Father died two years ago I am expected to be her empath
I have failed my exams for three years and not found a job
I realise as I am fifty it is clearly becoming too much for me
Thank you fir your honesty
I believe with determination abs self belief you will get there
I too was abandoned by my mother when she met what would become an abusive step-father. I know how bad that rejection feels. I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I’m sorry for you pain. Maybe it would be easier with your mother out of your life, or further distanced. You are obviously very intelligent. If you want to be an attorney, then rest up, regroup, and refocus on your needs. You can do it, if it’s your passion. I’m cheering for you!
These are very kind words
It is sad when our own Mother prioritises a man instead of their daughter
But their daughter supposed to take care of their needs
I studied law but did not obtain the practical training
Much to my great regret
Three years still trying with several marginal failures and inability to find the work experience
I expect a Narcissistic will never listen to us and this is what makes it very hard
I am pleased you have made contact with me and I do not know how but I will try to reduce contact with a damaging Mother
I hope given our similarities that you will keep in contact
I am glad to stay in contact. I admire your resiliency. Yes, I have mourned and mourned a normal parent child relationship with my mother. But she is not capable. I am at the place where I am making peace with it.
How crucial what you have said
Making peace with the character flaws of our Mothers
After yesterday, I will not allow her to reprimand me like a five year old
How are you coping
Thank you for reply
I cannot understand why I have neglected myself for Mother who puts herself first
Thank you for being kind enough to answer
Kind Regards
That is how families work. Kids get mad at parents and parents get mad at the kids.
They would never treat their friends that way. Not sure why that happens.
It’s all about what is a healthy relationship? For those of us who didn’t learn from parents, that’s where therapists come in.
How are you
I am pleased to have met you
I think the first step in helping ourselves is recognition of the traits of our Mothers
I realise my Mother is plagued with anxiety and I am aware that this is her anxiety and not mine
I think I have become complacent but as I am seeking to find employment and earn an income, I realise how important it is to persevere with life
I am fifty and learning that the power to make effective change and positive progress lies with us
I wish you well in your journey towards self fulfillment
I wish you all the best
Haven’t You Heard the saying “You hurt the ones closest”? My mother mother makes Mommy Dearest look like Mother of the Year? My mom Hated Me from the day I was born. She only wanted Sons, we’ll she got 6 of them, I was the first girl. She wouldn’t celebrate my birthday because she said that I wasn’t suppose to be born. After another brother a sister came. Up until then I didn’t have any toys to play with then we had to share the girl toys. She ridiculed me on a daily basis. Get counseling to help deal with her, don’t tolerate it stand up for yourself. I did
Good morning
I hope you are well
I have always been there for my Mother but if I say something wrong she will lash out with her temper
I told her You put all your worries on on me
Then she said you will never talk to me like this As a punishment she will use her temper
I decided to not call at the scheduled time and I rang later
I think whatever I say does not matter
She will do as she pleases
I need to take a stand
Yes you do, I don’t feel just Because you’re a Mother That You deserve Respect. You need to treat your kids with Respect also. My mother attempted a physical confrontation with Me, I know how the law works, I let her hit me First then defended myself. I don’t regret it she deserved it. When I’ve told someone the story their in disbelief that I did that. Why? I should stand there and maybe she could have killed Me? I believe she would have, she such Hate in her eyes. She’s 90 now with dementia she doesn’t even know who Iam. But you don’t deserve to be treated like that. Maybe write her letter on how you Feel, I did it seem to make things a little Better?
Ouch. In Kentucky, that would probably qualify as elder abuse. Further, in Kentucky, once you hit back, that changes your status from victim to participant—then you both can go to jail. Because of her dementia, the courts are likely to find she just needs a higher level of care. Tread lightly. A good attorney or her doctor may be able to advise on what to do next for her.
Take care of you first, though I know that goes against our training.
Wow. Well done. I stand up to mine most days. But I fear life is passing me by. So i tend to go into silence for a few days. Mothers day/her birthday i cringe most years when i see all these cards and soppy messages.
The ironic thing with mine is she is a counsellor🤔.(Narcissist) not practising anymore retired.
They make the Worse parents cause their always dissecting what you do or say? As a child I dreamed of the day I would move out at 18. I did exactly that. After everything there where times when she had Hard times financially Guess Who she came too??? I took the high road and helped her. Her precious sons where nowhere to be found. I vowed to be a Better mom than So was, I believe I accomplished that 🙏😊
I wish i was adopted still do. I guess i can dream. My mum has absolutely no maternal instinct I was a daddies girl through and through.
Whereas i would clearly die for mine as most will without any hesitation. It would not occur to me to harm one hair on their heads intentionally. 😊
I was a daddy’s girl also, I think that was the problem she was jealous of our relationship. She was verbally abusive to him. I didn’t want to hurt my mom she left me No choice she came at Me first. I was suppose to just let her Hurt me? I knew I could hurt her I was Athletic and bigger than her. I just pushed her off me. Just because your a parent doesn’t give you the Right to Beat you’re kids. I don’t believe in that, I Never hit my kids. That’s how abuse continues, I Broke the Chain 🙏
My mum was jealous also. My dad vowed to stay until I was 16 to make sure I was safe. He did, he then met someone else and I was torn I went to live with him for a while down south but missed my home up North. I came home the rows started I tried to avoid her as much as possible by staying out. she fractured my arm tried to get me sectioned, the doctor said no way. I had lost my dad and my grandma had died. I left in the end.
It is only recently that it has started really hitting me and what I have gone through. I believe it is C- PTSD I don't like labels and I don't feel affected by it. I believe I can move on fully eventually and help others one day but for now give her a very wide berth and protect my own. Good to know I am not the only one..
I’m glad you got through that, unfortunately my dad eventually became mentally ill, my mom had him institutionalized when I was a teenager. He died from emphysema and cancer RIP🙏
I understand totally what you are saying
I wonder if you have managed to get your life on track since you discovered her Narcissistic behaviour
I am beginning to realise that I am banging my head against a brick wall and to start more self care then care of someone who really stabs me in the back when I leave each day. I will never be good enough and what I do career wise will never be good enough. It's all power and control and I am taking it back.. Take care.x
Very Impressive
You talk about getting your career
What career is this
I do not live with my Mother
She lives overseas and has friends and relatives
My life my Father has died is a constant struggle
It is all about power and control
Do you live with your Mother
Hi,
I went to university and gained a BA and nearly an MA(100 day placement to go) this is in Social Work. But one year ago my heart nearly packed up and a year later we are still going through investigations. Then I shall finish it.
I am also hard of hearing, I lip read I also wear two hearing aids and right through my childhood i was called thick and weird.
My lack of hearing was not picked up on until I was a teenager I had childhood measles and I must gave taught myself to lip read.
I fear my mum is jealous of how far I have now come also as a single parent (my Boys are with me 365 days of the year bar school). It was a career my mum never wanted me to pick and she has tried every obstacle over the years to try and stop me by being selfish.
No I don't live with her I left at 18. I am now 46 and fear that it will be too late to do what I want if I carry on being her punch bag so I have said no more to myself and I am calmer for it.
I think what's the worst thing she can do..disown me..so be it. I owe her nothing. That's life. I loved my Dad and I miss him every day. You can't have it all ways.
Good morning
I think you have done incredibly well
Despite all the hurdles you have encountered you continue to persevere
I started my course at the age of 47 and three years on still trying to pass the Diploma in Wills and Probate and to find a years work experience
I know now that many personal responsibilities were put on my path to address in addition to dealing with my own anxieties and as an elderly Mother
It is only at the age of fifty I realised I put my Father first because he was mentally unwell this I can accept
But my Mother I also realised had a habit of me putting her herself first which has plagued havoc with me passing the Diploma and finding a work placement
I wish at times I was younger
I never thought at fifty I would be at such a stage in life
But as a Muslim we are taught everyone its own time
We are also taught to be patient in adversity and to always try
Also hardworking brings its own regards in its own time
Regaining a sense of self and send belief is a hard task
My face looks etched with depression as my facial shows the scares within
I hope you continue to succeed
I’m glad you found your way. Awesome!
Thank You, it’s been 40 years I still think of him🙏
It’s really hard to feel unsupported by someone we would normally hope would recognise our distress. I know this from my own experience with my mother and sister. I had given them my support and I was the ‘go to’ for their moans, Sometimes for hours at a time for trivial matters (how long the grass was and needed cutting), but when I was severely depressed where were they? Still piling their woes on me. I know it is taboo, but I eventually came to the conclusion that I did not like my mother at all. I don’t feel guilty because I had given to the best of my ability for many years.
Sometimes we have to put ourselves first Roukaya, and now is one of those times. It takes trust to open up on a forum like this, and I hope you feel understood and comforted 🌸
We choose our friends - not our family is what you're saying.
Good morning
I hope you are well
I think I have done my very best for my Mother but when I said you put all your worries on me
She said Don’t you ever talk to me like this
I knew this morning she would be bad tempered so I left the phone alone and then rang
Like you have said all the complaints and sadness she puts on me but her best behaviour with others
She is not alone
She can be manipulative and hurtful
So I feared the temper and decided to call later
It seems you have been through what I am experiencing
It will take adjustment for me to become less emotionally dependent on her
I hope you are well
How are you managing in Lockdown
Do you have to call her? Are you her caregiver?
Are you her carer? You can get advice and support at Carers UK. You are obviously not in a good place with your life, and under a lot of stress, which could damage your own health and wellbeing.
I am but a carer
But I used to be a carer fir my Father who is gone
My Mother lives overseas and she has friends and relatives to support her
I told her you put all your worries on me
she lashed out and I realised I could not face anymore this is why I answered her call later
I hope you are ok
How are you managing in Lockdown
Thank you for your reply
I am a carer, my daughter was born with cerebral palsy. She is now 48 and lives in her own flat with carers helping her every day now that I am unable to help her. I am 74yrs. You must make time for yourself and for your future. Take care.
Thank you
I realise she expects me to drop everything for her even though she is overseas
I realise this situation will never change unless I make the changes
I am angry with her because if I say something wrong she will use her temper as punishment
This is why I could not face talking to het
She became hysterical and puts the blame on me
A good therapist could support you in this transition to self care.
Hi, you sound very unhappy, haven't you got any sisters or brothers, living with you.
You need to start feeling more positive, as this illness you have got will only feed on how you are coping.
Does your mum not understand what is wrong with you, also on the television it gives you phone numbers and email addresses for people who are feeling the way you do. Also being on lockdown together with your mum is not doing you any favours, my daughter and I have had harsh words with each other, but you have to get past that and try to find a way so you don't keep feeling the way you do, I hope you can find a way to live peacefully, after all now the lockdown is being eased it shouldn't be to long before we can all go out again please try and be positive and think it's not going to last for ever, take care ☺️☺️ x
Unfortunately, we can’t tell someone, “Don’t feel that way”. We only pile shame onto their feelings. Like they are doing something wrong or bad. Feelings are neither good or bad; they just are.
Hello
Thank you for your reply
In all of this ,my Mother lives overseas and I live in UK
I have realised that I have been failing in my exams fir three years by not focussing on my own needs and priorities but focussing in hers to my own detriment
I hope you are keeping safe and well
I understand how you feel. You know what pushes your mother's buttons but you don't like it when she erupts. You could try the "yes mum, no mum, of course, mum" approach because then she will have nothing to bounce off. Some people at the end of having someone rant at them wait until they've run out of steam and then say "Have you finished?" Try it. Good luck Roukaya.
How are you
My Mother is all I have
I live a very isolated and lonely existence
But yesterday when I was reprimanded, I knew I am not five nor will I will treated like this
I will listen and offer advice and understand I have always done my best but I need to be better more effective for myself
How are you
How are you spending your time in Lock Down
O blimey I am sorry how life is being towards you. Family seem to be crewel and direct anger with both barrels towards some folk. I guess mothers bring us up, tell us what to do at different times growing up however some mothers seem never to let go that what they think and do is all that counts.... they forget you are a person in your own right, and yes have the right of an opinion. How you get family to respect this is something you will have to slowly work towards, small steps to gain that freedom and respect from her...
Hello
I hope you are keeping well
I think I realise that I have been complacent and rushing to Mums needs and wants as ad when she calls
Yesterday an eye opener in the sense I am fifty and not five
How are you managing in Lockdown
Hi Roukaya
Is that your real name, it seems a lovely one if so.
The lock down has been OK, kind of taken it one day at a time, have a garden so the weather has been kind. Also gone out for a walk in the countryside a few times a week during lock down, lucky as not many people about. I have got to an age where life does not get to me.
Mothers...... Mine bless her developed dementia in her last few years of life, would call the police when I came to visit as thought I was trying to rob her.. In the years leading up to her dementia she would say some really unkind things, and I just dug in deeply, with kindness refused to let her treat me as if I was a boy again...
With one of my children its been like many parents go through maybe,,, the terrible 12 to 18 rebellion, the period where they are getting to become adults, hate their parents, school and all the other anti establishment protests... however wow they have all turned out to be such fantastic adults, good friends as well as being our flesh and blood.
We still at times disagree with each other however that is the way of life, people are people who have their own minds, its healthy... The most important thing of all is to respect each other.................... sadly it does seem your mum is giving you hard times.
I wonder and am sure that she does love you, yet wont maybe let go, maybe she is frightened to let you, let you be yourself... sorry a stranger like me really does not have the right to say that maybe.
Please do feel free to write again if you would like to, there are so many wonderful people on this site, its a joy to read them.
Good morning
I hope you are well
Thank you for your honest account
Very interesting
It was my Father who suffered from Frontal Temporal Dementia as a cause of a sustained brain injury
I was his carer and I witnessed the decline of a very articulate and strong character lose his basic reasoning and he also accused we of robbing his radio and television
He must have declined quite rapidly and he was sectioned and went on the live for just over two years
I lost Dad two years ago and as an only child during this process I turned to my Mother for emotional support and she was very supportive but very demanding as my Father was torn between us and his younger women who abused him financially
As Mum is 72 she is fiercely independent and lives overseas as my parents separated but as she is a self made entrepreneur, she invested in a few properties and now the responsibility is becoming onerous for her
Having said this, her brain is still sharp as a button and I am even flawed at her reasoning
He is one of these tiny Rottweilers very strong very vocal and can be very sensitive too
There are times I try as best as I can and I worry but this can lead to me neglecting my studies and job searching and this is why may be I have failed my exams over three years
I am aware that I should take emotional responsibility for my own well being and realise all I can do is to offer emotional support and to keep trying
I hope you are well
How are you managing with this Lock Down?
Good evening Dear Roukaya
I am so sorry that you lost your dad only a couple of years ago. We seem to go full circle, our parents look after us as children, and many years later we look after them in many ways....
May I ask what are you studying for, what outcomes can you see from gaining the qualifications you are after. Is it your way of gaining total independence. Do you think your mother sees this as a threat in anyway. That you will go off on your own or with someone else to start a new life, maybe no longer being attached to her demands on you emotionally. Family ties, love, hate, closeness, distance, detachment, control being a consideration, also two more for the pot jealousy, fear of loss, so many different ways families interact, yet we cant take away our folks chose to or nature took its course to form our arrival into this world.. That bond will always exist no matter what happens in our lives.. However we grow as humans needing to travel our own journeys in life.
The lock down,,,, it has been and will be as it is something we all need to deal with, I have been OK,,, lost a lot of what was planed for this year, never mind one hopes next year will let me free to regain what was to be.. Yes a bit hard at times, however no where as hard as those families who lost love ones, no where as hard as the front line lovely people trying to save people in their hours of need. They are special people.
The poor people who lost and will loose their lives, many far too early in life. Sad times yet a reminder to us all just how quickly life can change in a blink of an eye.
So yes we all need to learn from this experience, be kind more often to others, remember maybe just saying hello to some of our older mature ladies and gentleman may be the only time in a week they will get someone talk to them. I have met many kind people out walking during the lock down, so I thank them all.
Pete
Good morning
I hope you are safe and well
Thank you fir your lengthy reply
I would like to explain that I studied for several degrees finishing with law in 2000
I had huge aspirations but due to huge competition I did not succeed in getting the training
I moved to Derby in 2009 thinking this would be a temporary move but this coincided with the mental decline of my Father and I became his carer and also ran his Property Portfolio
He was eventually sectioned then died
My Mother who lives overseas I have discovered put enormous pressure on me to manage everything by myself as my Father was involved with another women who had befriended him purely to defraud him
It was a very difficult time
My Mother is a very strong and independent lady and a self made entrepreneur
I used to have great respect for her and I still do
But I have seen that whenever she has troubles I drop my studies and job search to assist but thus is clearly taken for granted
Both parents are similar in the sense they are very strong and independent who would always put their self interest first
As I did not obtain the essential practical training to qualify I was advised to follow a career in Wills and Probate
I have been studying for a Diploma for three years and twice I marginally failed
It is fair to say I did not apply myself sufficiently to the task of focusing on passing and applying with determination to obtain the years work experience
I have seen in Lock Down how much my Mother can put her worries on me and being far away there is only so much I am able to do
I have learnt by means of a video interview I did that I talk like a child and my facial expression seems to be sad
May be this is indicative of the state of my mental health which preempts my ability to present myself in the best light
I am slowly realising the only person who can help me is me
I need to take full responsibility of my own life be in my mental state and personal appearance
Enough of me
You have been kind enough to ask of me
How are you
How are you managing in Lockdown
You are right in the sense so mushy have died due to the nature of this savage disease
How the world will change or become progressive remains to be seen
Also the sad loss of George Foreman who died as a result of discrimination and police brutality highlights the ever present unfairness of discrimination
It saddens me that power and supremacy can result in an innocent person dying
We all have a voice and the right to make a fulfilling life
Some of us make it early
Some of us make it late
As long as we can try to make it despite the mental or physical hurdles which are out there to strengthen our resolve
I hope you keep well
Hello
I think I am in a similar situation to you, and its very difficult. Have you had other relationships or married at all?
If you like then do message me privately, and if you are in London perhaps meet up.
Take care.
Good morning
I hope you are well
I live far away from London but I used to live there
Which part of London are you in ?
It would have been interesting to discuss the personal issues we both have experienced?
I remain single and unmarried
But I think firstly may be I have not met someone suitable or may be I had to work on my own inner issues before I could meet some one
How are you
How are you managing in Lockdown
Perhaps send me a private chat as I cannot send one for some reason. It's also ok if you don't want to.
My dear Roukaya, a psychotherapist said to me that relationships need to be worked at, but if there comes a point where the work you are putting in gives no results, and the relationship gives you nothing back, then you have to question if it is worth it. I think from your other posts that you are muslim, and I know from muslim friends how close and important family ties are. But your mother is a long way away and is, very clearly, making you very unhappy.
Whatever you say to her she is unlikely to change, she is older now and 'set in her ways'. She probably believes that you, as a dutiful daughter, should just accept the burdens she puts on you. So you seem to have a very difficult choice. Break the ties, end the relationship. Or try to just not let her attitudes upset you so much. Very very hard I know.
Dip your toe in the water, don't contact her for a few weeks, ignore her calls, block her emails. If, after that, you speak to her and she asks why tell her very simply 'because you make me so unhappy'
And then decide, for yourself, whether you are more unhappy with her in your life or out of it. It is your life, don't let her take it over and ruin it.
I truly understand because I too broke contact with my selfish, manipulative mother after she turned her spite on the man who has now been my loving husband for 31 years.
I won't say I haven't regretted the need to do it, it is hard to walk away and make yourself, effectively, an orphan (my lovely dad died when I was 14). But keeping her in my life, niggling, chipping away, demanding would have been far, far worse.
Whatever you choose to do I wish you the very best.
Hello
I hope you are keeping well
I have read your reply with great interest
I have understood my Mothers behaviour towards me has impacted on me more so since the dynamics made us close as a result of my Fathers involvement with a younger woman
I understand your genuine message with personal experience
As the only daughter of my Mother I have to listen and offer any advice if she chooses to listen
I am fifty years old and it is time I take responsibility for my own life
But I am aware how my Mothers behaviour can impact on me as I have struggled to attain a Diploma in Wills and Probate for three years
I have also been talking to a Psychotherapist and the best course of action is to try to establish boundaries
If for any reason Mum puts her anxieties on me I must learn to rationalise her worries
I have also understood that both of my parents are very strong individuals and I being the only child I seem to have internalised low self esteem and also a childish voice which may be characterised that I need to become a responsible adult for my life
I thank you for your reply and I wish you well
I am so sorry you are feeling such, anxiety, and depression in your relationship with your mother. It appears that you have such an unloving narcissistic mom. Many woman can birth children, but every woman is not designed to be a good mother. I am so grateful for my mom. We are all imperfect beings, me included. But you will have to take more steps to distance yourself from your mom to save yourself. You already are taking some small steps. As your mom seems to always put herself first, you now need to put yourself first. I thank God she is overseas. Can you imagine if she was living with you. This is a blessing. Your mom may be manipulating you, because it sounds like she may be helping you financially. I pray you will be able to move forward with your life. I have a friend whose mom was/ is a horrible mother/person. My girlfriend is in therapy, and doing well. She is no longer living with her mom, and is living with her daughter, and has a good job. I no longer see this burdened depressed soul anymore. She is happy now, and I pray the same for you.
Hello
I hope you are well
I have read your comments with great interest
I am slowly realising what my Mother is and how her worries have impacted on me
I have been seeing a Psychotherapist who has made me understand this
The first step towards rectifying the problem is to be aware of the issue
This is where I am
I am fifty and I have been trying for three years but I am aware of the root causes of my continual failures to pass and to find a years experience
I thank you for your reply
How are you
How are you managing in Lockdown
Shalom: Sorry I haven't responded in a while. I have been offline for about a week, but I am well. I had to stay with, and care for my sweet 90 year old auntie. She had no internet connection. She now has a Home Attendant. So I am grateful that she is being cared for by someone she really likes. Continue to have faith, and you will get where you want to be. It is great to see how happy my girlfriend is now that she has distanced herself from her mom. I think some irrational guilt keeps her calling her mom daily for (quick) conversations. (smile)
Good evening
I hope you are well
Thank you for your kind understanding
It is really up to me to make a life for myself and have the courage and confidence to believe in myself
Thank you
Firstly, your mother is a "covert" narcissist. This is the absolute worst kind to deal with. If you are going to have to deal with a narcissist, you want the "out and proud" model, in my opinion. The covert are the most insidious because they know exactly what they are doing. Only those living in the house with them, immediate family, see and experience their wrath. Even when you move away they are masters at long distance control. But, only if you let them.
Outsiders, including non immediate family, only see them displaying their best manners. The covert narcissist cultivates and nurtures their relationships with others (unless they are loners, which many are --they rarely go out and mostly interact/control the people in their immediate environment.)
The covert narcissist will bend over backwards to make sure others see only their shining, positive qualities. Thus, leading others (who have only seen the narcissist's positive characteristics/behavior) to completely disregard any future criticisms they should hear about said person. Very rarely will an outsider ever recognize the true nature of the covert narcissist. So, you have to know from the start that you are on your own in this particular fight. And a fight it is. But, it's not about fighting your mother. She is NEVER going to change. The fight is about you valuing yourself enough to establish the hard boundaries and keeping them raised when dealing with any narcissist, not only your mother.
A narcissist's main objectives are: to bulldoze boundaries that are weak, get inside your head, decimate your self esteem and feed off your energy allowing them to control you and ultimately get their way in all matters. If you ever let your guard down thinking that she has learned a lesson, you will see that she is incapable , but more importantly, has NO DESIRE to change. She will do to you whatever you allow her to get away with.
Narcissists are drawn to empaths/sensitives. You are their power source. They are "power sucks" and will drain you dry. (Their joy is derived from making your life a living misery through lies, manipulation and guilt trips.) Hence, learning how to erect the invisible shield for your protection.
[If a person doesn't want anything coming into their yard, they put up a fence to protect their property. They don't go telling the neighbors that they are the ones who must put up fences.]
Everyone in this life has difficulties to overcome. This is one of yours.
But, only when you finally come to the conclusion that you DESERVE a good life and that NO PERSON ON THIS EARTH has the right to interfere with you living your life, your pursuit of happiness and what constitutes a good life in your definition, will you put these actions into practice....and the clock is ticking.
Parents may give you life. But, YOUR life is NOT theirs to control or to live.
*In my personal experience, a narcissist must be given regular doses of their own bitter medicine. Mind you, they never learn a lesson and they never stop hollering that you are the one that is crazy and delusional, etc. But, I find that the greater the protests the closer to the bullseye you are. And it certainly makes me feel better.😊*......And just remember that the universe is already working on your behalf......there is already an ocean between you. Keep it that way. (Most people aren't that fortunate.)
Stay strong, steel spine, give no quarter, go forth and live!!!!🤗
Note: The bitter medicine dosing protocol is simple. You are in control of the conversation, length of conversation, time of day call occurs (if possible), keep topics and the commiserating on a very short leash. And that includes you. You can share a little, but she doesn't care about your problems, so starve her of any pertinent information. And do not allow her to go on and on. You set the limits. You may want to make a checklist of how the SHORT conversation will go. Once they have been checked off you end the conversation. Offer your kind regards and best wishes respectfully, but firmly. She will try to take control once she gets a whiff of what you are doing. You must be vigilant. It also never hurts to not be home (or not answer if you are, occasionally.)Then a short while later you call back at a time that fits with your schedule. Keep info about your life to a minimum. Starve her of the very thing she uses to control you. It takes time, but you can be successful at creating an acceptable, TO YOU, way of periodic interaction with her.
Good morning
I hope you are well
Thank you for your well thought out reply
It certainly paints an accurate picture
I agree and I only recognised the narcissism a few months ago
It is really since we discovered my Father was involved with a younger woman did this behaviour develop
It is has come to a point that I failed my exams during three years for me to realise how her own self interest could be detrimental
I have to say I am fifty years old and quite sad given the fact I appear immature as my voice is childish and my appearance does not appear to be of a professional person
I think I will be catching up emotionally to find myself and make my own path which theoretically I have been trying to do since 2000
I understand totally what you say and I agree
It is for me to find my life and be responsible for myself
I will always listen to my Mother but the emotional control is becoming less
Very true as she is in her best behaviour with others but with me the temper and anger is there if I ever say something wrong
I hope you are well
Can I ask if you have any experience with Narcissism
Thank you for being kind enough to answer
I just added some pointers at the end for how to go about starting to gain some control. So, please go back and read them.😊
Yes, I've had a lifetime of experience dealing with them. That is why I was able to give such a detailed reply, unfortunately. But, you can learn to turn the tables and keep them in their lane so to speak. It makes life much easier to navigate.
All the best and I hope that you are well, too.😊
Good luck!!!🤞🤞🤞🤞
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Rock bottom