I am self isolating by myself and I turn to this post for support
We all have our individual issues be it financial, family or health issues to contend with
I try as best as I can but everyday my Mother will tell me of her anxieties but given the World Wide Lock Down this knocks me back
The ability to reply to this post has been turned off.
Thank you for being kind enough to answer
My Mother is elderly aged 72 living by herself so inevitably she will be dealing with people to obtain her food supplies as she is also under Lock Down
I try my very best
I think I have anxieties myself and this just sets me back
However I realise she offloads to me but as I am away what else can I do
I think if it's affecting your well-being you might need to take a step back, all you can do is your best , take care xx
I wish I could take a step back
The Psychotherapist told me to create boundaries
very hard
All I can tell her is to be careful as she is risking her own life
She has always put herself first clearly when she had her male friend
Now she is alone she puts all her worries on to me
Thank you for listening
It is hard if it's not something you're used to doing and it must be hard for your mum if she's alone and needs someone to talk to as everyone needs someone to talk to, sounds like your doing your best
Hi yes when we are trying to manage ourselves it is hard to hear someone being very negative.
It can help to ask questions such as 'So mum you are finding it really hard and wondering how we are going to survive, but what will be the first thing you do if we all do survive?' When I learnt about improving my communication skills - and staying sane! - it can help to first affirm what the other person has said, so that they know they have been listened to, then to turn it into a question which either opens up the conversation or turns it to a new track. It is so easy to become stuck in our normal ways of communicating, but it is a chance to learn new skills. Takes a bit of practice. Using humour can also help but it doesn't come easily.
However I read somewhere that comedians have to work really hard at gathering their jokes and delivering them!
Another way is to 'Yes mum, but there is really nothing I can do about it. So can we move onto talking about something else?' If she doesn't you can say that if she continues then you will simply hang up. It is difficult but it is important to look after yourself.
You do not need to take on all her worries even if she tells them to you. A psycholgist gave me an image to use. Imagine you are sitting by a river bank, overhead is a tree dropping leaves into the river. As a thought arises in you, for instance negative comments your mother has said, which causes you to worry, just place it onto a leaf which has fallen onto the river and then watch it float off downstream.
Well done for talking about it, as recognising what is happening is an important step in changing things for the better.
I excellent advice and very understanding advice
I realise that I am in a vicious cycle
I am trying to requalify back in Law after a gap of many years
I try to study I become agitated and distracted
My exam Mark is borderline failure and I should also try to find employment
She puts all her worries in me
I am left sitting at home
She has friends even her sister has come back to her
I think I tried to try to break the cycle find my a life
I hope you are safe and well
Thank you
Trying to break a cycle is a great starting point if you want to fix a bad situation, so it doesn’t get worse. You can write a list of positives and negatives and then see what will be the best way to do everything.
I hope you are well
How are you
How did you spend your day
I’m doing okay today. Sorry for not being around that much today, but I have been getting ready for the first Seder for Passover tonight. The Seder is going to be at 5 pm on the phone with my brother.
Are you okay today?
I understand as it is Holy Week
I hope God answers all your prayers
I am ok
I always appreciate your kind words
Thank you for saying that. This is the first Seder that’s going to be on the phone. Not sure how it’ll go, but it’s a good try.😀👍
It’s good to know you’re doing okay. That’s very good!😀👍
The fact that you are doing your best in the trying circumstances is testament to the sincerity of your faith
I have to agree with you! That’s a great point I didn’t think of at the time!😀👍☝️
Hi Roukaya ,
As Hidden has said, you're doing well with being positive and you don't want your Mom's negativity to cause you any other anxiety. You should be proud of yourself for what you have done so far since the lockdown occurred. We want you to be happy, healthy and safe. Also, we want you to reach your goals. 
Very kind words indeed
How are you
How is your day
As I said she lives in her own so she will have contact with others for her food supply
She tells me every day about something
Sunday the slight cough you were patient enough to listen
Monday her leg stiff
Today she met three people two gave her food supplies
One gentleman came to hey kitchen saw and chatted for fifteen mins and left
Mum kept her distance
When I hear this it makes me sad because there are times she has put other people before me
As she is by herself she realised she is on her own and puts her worries on to me
But when she had someone else in her life she made sure he was given her priority
Can you see how this makes me sad
I know how It makes you feel. I don't like it when other people ignore what I want to try and do for them or if I want to say something that may help. Your mom may not understand what she is doing to upset you. Next time you talk with her, explain how what she does makes you feel. Being honest/real with her is a good way to get your feelings out there and make her understand.
Hi Roukaya,
It's hard on you, when you are under such stress yourself. I think the important thing is to listen and to offer empathy, but don't get too caught up in the detail of it all. We all need a shoulder to lean on at the moment and I can understand that your mother would think of you first, but she doesn't understand what a strain it is, being here on your own with your own difficulties.
It would be unkind not to lend your ear when she's feeling she needs support, but remember that most of what she tells you will actually end up being resolved by her. It would be a different matter and much more worrying, if it was a real crisis that you couldn't get home for.
So let her share her problems with you, but you have to let her solve them for herself and not worry too much about how she does that.
You've been doing such a good job of taking care of yourself under really trying circumstances, so try not to let news from home upset you too much. Take care of your own worries first.
Take care and best wishes.🙏
I feel for you, it is not easy. Try to accept your Mother for what she is. She is probably frightened and lonely so therefore blows things out of proportion. Two valuable lessons I learnt in therapy, one was do not take it personally, two agree with her, it usually tends to disarm them. The last 10 years of my working life, I did "In home Elder care", when they started to complain, I told them that was OK, get if off your chest, we will do this for 10 mins. then we'll talk about something else. It usually helped as they felt listened to, and felt not so alone. Hope this is of help for you, and you can let off steam here, we will listen and help you if we can. I am 78 next month, a widow, live by myself, no family near by. I do very well, I made up my mind when I was 16 I would not let fear rule my life, and I do not allow myself to feel sorry for myself. Life if difficult and painful for most of us, so I can always find someone else worse off than I am. So hang in there Roukaya, we will get thru this and it will come to an end, everything ends in its time. I send you Peace, courage, strength, love n hugs....Sprinkle 1......
Thank you for your kind words
I have always been there for Mum
But as she is older and on her own she is demanding and quite frightened
I have always cared for both parents often putting them first
This has negatively impact on my job prospects and also my own lonelinesx
Always to rescue Mum and Dad then I have to catch up with my own lifr
I listen and I will advise and that is all I can do
I wixh you well
You have a very good head on your shoulders
she may be my Mother but she has always put herself first
Tha k you for listenibg
I hope you are safe and well
All I can tell her is to be careful and it is her responsibility
She knows at times how to put all her worries on me
I have been traumatised already the Psychotherapist has already explained this to me
Thank you for your kind understanding
You shouldn't let what she says get to you. Have you tried doing some exercise at home when she does this and you get stressed out?
Very good advice
I have access to online classes
I thank you for listening
I hope your day has gone well
I think thst I havd learnt how important it is for me to make a life for myself
I expect after lookibg after my Father and making sure my Mothers financial needs were met, I was very hurt when she preferred her male friend to me
I hope you are not too tired of listening to me
Not tired at all. If you want to talk about anything, let me know. I will be here after 3 pm USA time today.
You have always been kind enough to listen
I think you are very sincere and kind
Thank you
Thank you for saying that.😀👍 Sorry for the delay. I’m here now.
Thank you for listening
I am a female not male
I realise you have sound experience and she is not a child
I will tell her that if she is not careful she is risking her life
She has alwaysbeen a good mother but I saw a different side to her before and she has a bad temper
I will tell her but be careful with her
As a person from the same age group as your mother i can always say that, honesty is the best policy ! However as you say we all have our anxieties,and on these issues we can only offer telephone support. You must try to prioritize and put your own issues first. Steel yourself and tell your mum that you are worried and are dealing with it as best you can, so if she felt she could offer you some words of encouragement that would help too!! that would help both of you to feel more positive about eachother and the future.It is very hard not to feel responsible for you mum and her feelings,you are not, nor she for yours! but you can share. Dont feel bad if she has a problem with it ,be honest with yourself, you are a good person and are doing your best. Stay well be strong
Thank you very much for kind words of advice
I have always done my best for both parents ultimately this was my decision but thus has set me back
I always listen to Mum as she plays out her anxieties on to me
It is a vicious circle, I listen to Mum, I leave UK temporary to sort Mum out
I fail the Diploma due to inadequate preparation, I cannot fibd employment because I am away
Unless I make real efforts to create a life, I shall always be in this situation
Thank you for listening
I hope you keep safe abd well
There Roukaya, you have answered the question to your problems. You have to create a life or you shall be in that situation always. You need to write that down on a big writing pad. Then you need to focus on how you can go about achieving it. Knowing what you have to do is half the job done. Sometimes, no matter how hurt you feel or how negative someone makes you feel, there comes a time when you have to say, I need to draw a line with this part of my life now, accept what has happened and start to try and move on from it. Create the life you want for yourself. Be determined and don't let no one stop you. You owe it to yourself. Find some happiness to life sooner rather than later. Start now, don't let nothing stop you, you can find it. xx
I have done my very best for both parents
But I did my best for my Mother given how my Father was involved with a younger woman
I witnessed my Mothers bad treatment during her marriage and I protected her financial interests otherwise the other woman would have ruined my Father who was elderly and mentally unwell
I think what saddens me the most is that as soon as I had protected my Mother snd Dad was admitted to a Nursing home
My Mother had met a male friend and he was given the priority
No matter how I spoke to her she did as she pleased and preferred him over mr
This went on for two years until he also became abusive to her
I stood up to him snd he no longer has any influence over my Mother
Whenever I said anything wrong my Mother would use her temper as a punishment even at fifty it still haunts me
So I will learn to create a life for myself and advise mum that she should take full responsibility for her actions
She clearly knew how to put her make friend ahead of her daughter
So when she tells me of her worries I also remember how she put him first
Now he is out of the way she turns to
Me
There are times I can cope and times I cannot
Today one of those days
I hope you are safe and well
I am safe and well thank you. I read your post so I know this about your mum. It must have been a very hurtful time for you as her daughter. Everyone should take responsibility for their actions. It is very important for your mum to know how she made you feel. Then you can begin to move forward. You are doing really well I am confident you will get to the place you want to be. xx
You’re doing the right thing for both of you. Don’t let her make you feel guilty for anything. Keep doing what you’re doing already.😀👍
We have hobbies and diversions we enjoy and that seems to prevent us sitting around with nothing to do.
With your Mother I am a firm believer in lists. Make a list of things you want to discuss and be able to divert He conversation to a more fruitful conversation.
BOB
I agree very much with what you have said
I will try not to hold to the bad memories of the past
Someone needed to tell me this
Kind of you
Thank you
Hello Roukaya. I really feel for you. It is an awful situation to be in. It sounds like you have no-one to speak too. Please try a local church. It doesn't matter what religion you are or if you have no religion they will all have people who will be happy to be in touch with you by phone and help you through this difficult time. Of course you can talk on here any time you like. I know I can speak for everyone on here when I say that it doesn't matter how many times you post we will be happy to support and help you. xx
Thank you for your kind advice
Much appreciated
I hope you are keeping safe and well
I only have an elderly who lives overseas and I try to listen and offer support but there is only a limited amount I can do
After losing my Father two years ago and being away from employment I am ashamed to say for 12 years I am trying to start again from scratch to go into the area of elderly care law
I am an only child aged fifty and I think after solely caring for my Father I have become mentally drained
I see a Psychotherapist and she listens
It is really for me to listen to Mum but for the first time in fifty years to realise I have to make and create a life for myself
Otherwise I view my Mother as a wood pecker as I try to build myself up she is slowly pecking at my very foundation
I hope you keep safe and well
How do you spend your day
I am very fortunate that I have my husband. I am in regular video contact with my sons, my granddaughter and my brothers. As the weather is being kind to us I am spending a lot of time in the garden and in my greenhouse. I am also a crafter so making cards and knitting at the moment. I am a linedancer too and continue to dance at home using YouTube to access the music and the dances. Teach yourself to dance. It is great exercise and makes you feel good. Do you have a garden or a hobby? Perhaps you could have a look on youtube. You can learn anything on there. I hope this is useful. If you need more information please ask. x
Hi Roukaya, remember that, first and foremost, your disciplined self isolation is protecting the NHS and saving lives. Thank you from me for doing this so diligently as I am on the vulnerable list. In addition, to this very important job you are keeping in contact with your mother. You could set up something positive to do or listen to uplifting music to offset a phone call with your mother. You could watch a funny movie/programme that makes you laugh or listen to some uplifting music or take some exercise. I am big into positive guided meditations which you can find on line easily. One of my favourite sources is from learning strategies.com. As the mind is more sensitive to negative information than positive because of our inbuilt survival instincts you should be doing about three times more positive things to one negative as a guide. Take great care of yourself, with my very best regards, Lily
Thank you for such a helpful message
I hope you are safe and well
I think after caring and losing my Father two years ago I am trying to restart a legal career in elderly care law which is a passion of mine as a result of caring for an elderly and mentally unwell Father
He is gone snd I still remain
I support mum but my anxieties are worsened by her constant outpouring of her worries to me
I need to fit my own mental health try to structure the day with positive outlasts which I have been doing by going on line with the Gym snd following mind body snd spirit on line classes
I have trouble sleeping and thus is due to weight of my own anxiety with the added stress of an elderly Mother
I have come to realise as we grow and evolve there is always a resistance to try to arrest the growth and develop for positive and progressive change
I have always supported my Mothet but this is becoming destabilising to say the least
I will try to create a basic foundation and stay by building little blocks in place and try not to let my Mother act as a Wood Pecker to knock the building blocks in place
I thank you for listening to me
Life is incredibly precious more so than now
Imperative to make the best of what we have
Stay Safe Stay Well
Dear Roukaya, thank you for your inspiring and kind response. On line classes sound super! Structure is good! Daily lists and goals may seem trivial but in my experience they are the building blocks (as you rightly say) of greater resilience. I forgot to mention that I believe Paul McKenna is also offering lots of positive and anti-anxiety resources on his website free because of the corona virus lock down. Wishing you the very best of luck with your legal advocacy goals and thank you again for protecting me and those I love with your isolation. With my best regards, Lily
Roukaya, you're going get through this, I'm praying for you and your mom. Sometimes I just have to listen to my favorite song, meditate, a movie; something else pther than Corona! Our world with "Breaking News" constantly focusing pn Covid 19 is causing everyone to feel anxious. Our community is family, comfortable and we support each other with positivity and care. Continued to hang in there, as an only child who cared for both parents; I understand. Praying for you.
Blessings -
NeeC
I hope you are safe and well
May God bless you as well
Thank you for being kind enough to offer support
I value your kind words of advice with warmth and sincerity
Very lovely 😊
Hi, I just read all the emails, it seems to me like you are stuck, in a rut. You always come back to your Mother, you need to let her go. She is a grown up person, responsible for her own well being. Tell her you will listen for 5 mins. and then will talk about other things, then change the subject, if she does not co-operate, tell her "I love you" then hang up. Both of you are grown women and have to make your own way in this world, she knows she can get to you, so you have to be the one to stop it. By hanging up on her a few times, she will have food for thought,she cannot use You unless You allow it. It is great that you love her, but you are not her slave and have a right to your own life, so go for it. I wish you well, look for some meet up groups on line, or check U3A get involved so you do not feel lonely. Find some hobbies, I am 78 next month, live in US, my family is in UK, we stay in touch. My friend here died in Aug. Due to the virus I cannot go out and do my volunteer work at the library, I keep very busy everyday, I do not watch the TV especially the news. I am growing veg and herbs on my deck,, hope to be able to feed myself this summer. Get out of that small world you are living in, there is so much to see, do and learn. Go for a walk in nature, listen to the birds, breath fresh air, get some son it will lift your spirits.,let us know how you are doing, leaving your Mother out of it, unless she changes. I see better days ahead for you....Sending Peace, strength, love n hugs....Sprinkle 1......
Dear Sprinkle
I hope you are well and thank you for your reply
I hope you are keeping well in LocKdown
It is slowly driving me mad but I should concentrate on my studies and start to apply for employment
I agree that as I am fifty I have to make my own way in this world
I thank you for your honesty and straightforwardness
I honestly believe I can do it if I try and continue to try
I thank you again for telling me if your age and how you best manage your life
You come across as a strong and independent lady and a with a strong mind
I respect your honest and direct opinion and with your years of wisdom to are able to see the pattern
I will try to make a life for myself but it begins with me making the effort
I hope God keeps you safe and well
I wish you peace and good health
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Alone together: A community to support those who are self-isolating