I find this on line group to be supportive and understanding
I think in my culture we are expected to be successful and because I am trying to resit a Diploma and find a years work experience I am often questioned by family members and friends who question that if I am educated why am I unable to find employment
It breaks me to pieces when family members or those who know me question me
It is ultimately my own responsibility to solve my life and to find hopefully my own independence
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Dear Roukaya,
When I was in College- well Polytechnic Actually- studying Chemistry, I was on what was called a 'Sandwich Course'. The idea, and I say 'idea' for reasons that will become clear, was that you did the Diploma in CONJUCTION with some genuine Laboratory Experience.
The course was Supposed to be three years, with two separate- six monthly- Work Placements. What actually 'happened' was a single Semester ('term and a bit?'), followed by a MUCH Shorter work Placement..... that I had to arrange myself! Needless to say that I left, after a Year- by 'mutual' dislike- and, after a little Jobbing Around, I went into Industry. I was there until I fell ill, way back, in 1995.
Clearly I did 'get' Flak, from my Piers, for Not staying in college. I did Try to, at least, explain my position but- as you know- Everyone Else 'knows' better, about You, that You do yourself.... Funnily enough my Parents were more Understanding- and accepting of MY decision. I know that your situation is, rather different, than mine was however we do share the same 'Sort of' desire.... to make our Own choices.
To anyone, who does question you, just say 'It's My choice.... and leave it at that.
Good Luck, with your Re-sit, hope you Pass this time.
AndrewT
Good morning
I hope you are well
Thank you for reply
Very interesting to read your perspective and personal stance
I think for many years I have been judged but in reality who are others to judge us
If really we do what is right for us and we are at peace with our decisions and with acceptance, the judgment of others will not matter as much
I wish you a peaceful and pleasant day ahead
There is a saying that those who judge others need to remember that when they point the finger (literally) at someone there are three more pointing back at them. It is of that people who are judgemental of others aren't very kind to themselves.
Concentrate on being kind, gentle and compassionate to yourself and reminding yourself how well, in fact how brilliantly - you are doing in your life. Congratulate yourself about every thing you manage to do, no matter how small, and the decisions you make each day to live your life as well as possible. It helps to realise that other people's opinions really are not so important.
Good Aftetnoon
I hope you are safe and well
Firstly I like the name strong mouse
It is original and it stands out as a name
I agree wholeheartedly in the sense when others point the finger they may are deviating from their own life
I think it is essential to value our selves and to be kind to ourselves
It has taken me fifty years to come to this conclusion
I have been the only daughter to both of my parents and it has involved responsibility and the ability to care for them as if I were a parent
This itself brings maturity and great life experience
I think also if we have a strong sense of self as your name indicates then the opinion of others really does not matter
This is why I will never do Facebook or Instagram to show what I have or to show for others to see
Also if we are at peace with ourselves, then the opinion of others really is water off a ducks back
How are you
How are you managing in Lockdown
Thank you for answering
Hi Roukaya, I think the only thing you can do to deal with others' judgment is to decide not to be judged. It doesn't matter if it is a part of your heritage or culture to be questioned and judged. It doesn't make it right and you don't have to contribute any excuses to the conversation about why you don't have employment right now. That comes under the realm of what's your life, not theirs. You have no jurisdiction over your family's life and similarly they will only have any over yours if you allow it. When you agree to being judged, you are giving tacit permission for it to happen.
So determine not to care. You can't stop them asking questions. But you don't have to feel judged, wounded, inadequate or anything else that they try to gift you through their expectations.
Be you. Be strong. Be your 'own person'. Grow your self confidence. You've recently made a good start in that so why not build on it. You don't have to be argumentative with family about this or voice your disdain at their judging you. Just within yourself say, "I refuse to be judged by this". Then the words can't hurt you. 🙏
Good morning
I hope you are well
Thank you for kind understanding
I would like to explain I have been judged for years and deep down I who are others to point their their finger at me
It could come from a place of their insecurity or something unhappiness
In fact yesterday I was buying some groceries at M& S and I know the staff quite well
They usually give excellent customer service but an unknown member of staff snatched her trolley twice as she saw me
She then said Social Distancing even though I had moved away
I will make a special trip to customer services of Marks and Spencer and explain her disdain when she saw me
Again this is what I honestly believe in
Who are others to judge us or point the finger at us
Thank you for your reply
Hi
You are a strong person, please do not let anyone judge you, be true to yourself and do as you want with your life. Good luck with your exam
We are all behind you. All my love Lynne xxxx ❤️🤗🌈💜
Good morning
How are you
You have shown be great kindness and independence and thank you
I will try to be my own person and not be impacted by the judgement of others
I have met some amazing people on this site
Thank you
You are very welcome. How are you feeling today? I'm okish thank you but I will keep smiling 😊. All my love Lynne xxxx ❤️🤗🌈💜
Hello
How are you
I am ok
Thank you for asking
I have realised that since I ordered a bouquet of roses it was quite beautiful but expensive
As a result of this lesson learnt , I have been following floristry classes on line and I have stated to buy flowers abs foliage from either Tesco or Marks and Spencer’s and I have started to do my own flower arrangement at home
It is cheaper and obviously a lot more flowers for your money
I hope you feel better
Please don't worry about people who judge you, they are not worth knowing, I'm sorry to say,!! Lots of love and hugs Lynne xxxx ❤️🤗🌈💜
Hi Roukaya, you should not worry about such people, why you should not worry about such people is because being judgemental is far from being a good quality to have. To be judgemental means that person lacks insight within the world and community they live. It means they live life with Blinker's on and are very narrow minded. Judgemental people are often very selfish people who cling to the small circles they operate in. Instead of encouraging and enhancing development, judgemental people do the opposite. Do not be annoyed by such people but instead, show them that being nonjudgmental is a far better way to live. Be settled in your heart and mind that you do not posses such a shallow character and feel compassion for those that do, for it is these people that truly need guidance and support. 👍😊
Good morning
I hope you are well
Thank you for your kind reply
I would like to explain I have been judged for many years above by the society of my Mother’s culture which can be quite offensive at time’s
I think when others judge us they judge us according to their own values and their own insecurities which can result in them judging us
I should learn to become my own person and have faith in my own abilities and capabilities to create a life which is fulfilling to myself and to others
I think my own Father a very strong and independent person who fought for his independence until he was required to have Nursing Care
Prior to admission as his dementia was in decline as well as his mental health in decline due to a brain injury
Many in Derby would laugh and mock him because he was a shadow of his former self
I would always stand up for him and try to reestablish his dignity and integrity
I expect my aim to become a Licensed Probate Practitioner goes to the root of my belief system which underpins my resilience
I think you must have been an outstanding Nurse given your care , compassion and sensitivity
I wish you a good day and thank you for listening
Good morning
I hope you are keeping well
Thank you for your reply
I have been judged for many years and I suppose yesterday just triggered everything
I think it is essential to be our own person and to claim our own sense of independence and acceptance
I know where I have gone wrong or may be it has not been the right time for me
But I am very aware of what it is required of me in order to become more independent and my own person
I hope you have a pleasant day ahead
How will you spend your day ?
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such problems. I think that all cultures have their strengths and weaknesses and I think that we can all learn from each other's culture especially in these trying times. Could you involve your family in helping you to plan what to do and help you get through your diploma and find a job.? Do they have any job experiences that could help you. Do you have any college support with your diploma or fellow students who could help. Very best of luck to you, try and I hope that you find support and success in your diploma.
Take care and stay safe. X
Good Afternoon
I hope you are well
I have read your message with interest
Firstly I am unusual in the sense I am a Muslim with no extended family except for two Aunties who live far from me
My Mother also lives far away
As for my course, it is on line with very limited support
However a former course tutor has agreed to mark my papers
I turn to this site because of the kindness and support I have met on here
How are you
Thank you for replying
I am sorry that you haven't got family support near you. I am not a Muslim so am unfamiliar with support networks within your faith. Do you have friends who could support you or friends from your Mosque? I hope that your tutor can support and guide you. Gòd luck and best wishes.
To be honest with you even though our religion teaches us to have community ties , I dare not even approach the local mosque as they will find it very odd that I am on my own and unmarried
I hardly have any friends so I am quite lonely
I'm so sorry you are lonely. There are lots of lonely people who would love company. Try and find groups in your area that you can join even and make friends that way. I hope it goes well
Oh Roukaya. You sound very troubled. I hope you can find an answer to all your questions. Keep talking, that's a good thing 💖
Good Afternoon
I hope you are well
I talk on here as many are helpful and very supportive
How are you managing in Lockdown?
I'm ok thanks. I'm on the liver transplant list, so.... waiting 🙄. Stay strong honey ❤️
Hi Roukaya, I am well thank you. You are definitely right about people who judge, it is because of their own insecurities and fears, that's why I think it's important to try to understand these fears and the reasoning behind them. Also being judge has no boundaries, it's not restricted to a particular culture. To be judgemental is a trait of human nature world wide in every culture. To me, it means that person has a lack of understanding about the the structure of situations. Their minds are closed to possibilities. When you say you stood up for your father, this shows independence and strength from those who would judge. You have a great day also. 😊🌼🌸
Good morning Roukaya
You sound like a very strong determined person who has unfortunately had things to deal with ,however you have set yourself a plan so go with it,never let anyone stop you from following your plan by trying to put their own negativity on you.
Stay well Stay safe and Stay 💪
Good Afternoon
I hope you are safe and well
I think you have shown a great deal of insight concerning the situation I find myself in
But I realise how important it is for us to be responsible for our lives in every sense
I hope you are coping in Lock Down
Hi Roukaya,
You are absolutely right..
Your relatives may be holding you up to a very difficult standard, as you put your life on hold to care for your father after your mother went back to Mauritius.
I think, given the problems with your mother since, and you having no extended family here, that your family members are very unrealistic in their expectations of you. It is very possible that they don't understand the difficulties of getting employment in the Legal Profession, especially for a woman who may have very little experience.
I would suggest limiting your contact with them, as it is making you doubt yourself, and you have plenty of aggro from your mum.
You have come a long way since you joined us here, don't let your family members' unrealistic expectations get in the way of your increasing confidence.
Cheers, Midori
Good Afternoon
I hope you are safe and well.
Your reply is very much appreciated .
How is your new home progressing ?
It is true , my family ,the majority based overseas have no concept or realisation as to what I have gone through.
I think you have great understanding and I appreciate and value your understanding.
Given the hurdles I had no choice but to face , it has negatively impacted my aspirations .
As you rightly say , My Mother is not always understanding .
But I am learning to take steps to make my own life.
Many times whenever I go back on holiday , I am asked Are you married , Don’t you work ?
All of this used to make me feel bad .
But as I am learning with the impact of Covid 19 what really matters in life
I think I hardly interact with my family so their opinion does not count for much
I hope to continue and to persevere and try to make a independent life for myself
It is very true that it will all the more harder for me to find a job as a trainee paralegal in Wills and Probate and thank you for realising this .
I can imagine it is difficult because you would like to be seen as competent in your families eyes. Maybe some extra self care and self love for you would be helpful. As long as you feel inside that you are doing your best then it does not affect you as much what others think. This is your life and you must make your own way as you see fit. All the best to you.
Hello
Thank you for your reply
Thank you for your kind words
Were you pleased with the food shopping you received today
I have started going to town for my food shopping
I quite like getting out of the flat and having a change
Time is going very quickly
We half way through the year
Good Afternoon
I hope you are well
The bouquet of roses cost £35 pounds and so bought it as an expensive treat to mark the end of a Ramadan
But as they only lasted a week, I thought it would be preferable to buy my own and by watching classes in line I learnt a few tips
Your rose garden sounds beautiful
I do love flowers
I do not know how to upload a photo on to Positive Health other wise I would be pleased to show you my new flower arrangement
Today it consists of pink roses and sweet Williams
Good Afternoon
Thank you for your tip
I will ask a member of admin to assist me with uploading the picture of the flowers
Hopefully you will be able to see the weekly flower arrangement I hope to do
Thank you
Good Afternoon
I hope you are well
Thank you for your reply and understanding
I have little by way of family in UK and a few relatives and family friends where my Mother lives
I think I am judged because I am an usual case as I remain unmarried and unemployed in their eyes
I think also I should not justify my existence to anyone
It is for me to do the best I can within my own capacity
It hurts like a dagger when I am told
Aren’t you working
No marriage
But in all honesty I think the time was not right
I also believe if we try and persevere we can attain our goals
Thank you for your insight
I hope you are mss as managing in Lock Down
I look forward to see your beautiful rose garden
I’m not sure where your from but I went through a similar thing I went to i University and I hated it all my mum would say was your will be the only one in the family with her degree I continued it for 3 years and she didn’t support me through it one bit!she would come around to my house whilst studying and talk about her failed marriage and tell me to stop all I was doing for her.i also had a son at the time .i felt like she just wanted me to do it to make her look good and say I’d done it .half way through I wanted to leave but her encouragement had me stay I still regret completing the course it was not for me and I had a son to look after I got grades I wasn’t happy with cause I wasn’t happy don’t do things to please others it only hurts you in the long run and oh I never got a job out of that great degree and went on to study something I loved wasted 3 years i was only 19 then aswell x
Good Afternoon
I hope you are well
I should explain that at one time my Mother was greatly supportive towards me
It was only when my Father was involved with a younger woman that I saw this side to my Mother
I studies have always been my own idea
My concern is that I did not succeed in training to become a Solicitor back in 2000
Since trying to restudy and find employment I have seen that I have put my Mother first which has destabilised my ability to pass and try to find employment
My studies are my idea
It is just that I struggle to make my aims abs aspirations a reality
Thank you for your reply
I hope you are happier where you are in life
I understand in my case the subjects were my idea but completing was influenced by my mother when I no longer had the passion for it I then went on to do something I loved later.please don’t listen to negativity you have obviously hit a blip and what your experiencing could be scared of failure but your family may be contributing to that fear.the more they put pressure on you the more scary it gets this can also scale of And dampen your confidence which can then stop you doing what you really want .I hope you work things out with your family x
Learning is up to the individual, i studied for years and since retiring have carried on learning and people do use the internet for learning, whatever you get at the end will be for you alone to use and people should support you, stay safe
Good evening
Learning is a life long skill and we never stop learning
I receive very little support and external criticisms which does but help my low confidence
It is always for me to keep on trying
Thank you for your reply
You are very brave and will succeed in your studies. A good job will follow. Today My granddaughter has graduated from college. She dropped out of high school when she was pregnant. Now with three children ten years later, and a very demanding job she has her degree. She has much to be proud of even if it took her a longer time to do it. I couldn't be more proud of her hard work and accomplishments. Life is full of tough decisions we have to make. No one has a right to criticize your decisions as long as you are willing to take responsibility for them.
Good evening
Thank you for your kind reply
I studied for several degrees until the age of 31 but I never progressed to anything despite my degrees
I spent my forties caring for an elderly Father who was mentally ill
I am since trying to complete Wills and Probate and find a years work experience
I am fifty and at time’s I am ok and at times I wish I was younger
I am not the most confident of people and I have noticed this when I did a video recording of myself
But ultimately it is up to me to make the efforts
I am sure you are very proud of your granddaughter and her drive and determination
Theres a book recommended by a psychiatrist who writes for the Daily Mail. Compassionate Mind Workbook step by step. Chris Irons and Elaine Beaumont. It's been written for people who suffer from high levels of shame and self criticism. Might be worth a look.
Thank you for taking the time to tell me this
Shalom: None of us is perfect, except God . So no one can judge you , except God. The older I get, I have come to the reality that, I don't care what anyone thinks of me, except God, and those people in my life who truly love me, and support me, and add joy to my life. I am always respectful, and considerate to all people I meet whom I would hope/pray will in turn treat me likewise. I am one of those people who stands up for myself, and others if I think there is some form of injustice. I pray God will give you peace, and guidance in these life challenges. Shalom
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