I Tore Up Although My Divorce Done Almost 2 Years Ago

I know there is no exact time when somebody can heal his/her wound after the divorce. It can be a week, three months, or years. Mine seems years. When I had a chat with my ex last night, I still tore up. What is happening to me actually?

I had a huge grief even before the divorce process started. I was the leaver. I was the one who felt the marriage did not work anymore.

I remembered the night when I laid down on my bed. My 2,5 y.o. daughter was already snoring. I exchanged texts with my husband. We already lived separated. He tried to fix our relationship in a very odd way. He texted me words accusing me I was cheated on him. He belittled me though he wanted to fix our relationship. I was so much hurt. He did not even trying to see the problem, hearing my heart. He was always taking in opposite standpoint. He did not try to wear my shoes. I was fed up though truly loving him. I had tried to hang on in the unhealthy relationship. But after the exchanged messages, I could not stand it anymore. I was so tired, hopeless, cornered, fooled, etc.

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes... . I was thinking what if I just divorced him. I felt an ease in my heart. It felt right.

I whispered to myself: I want to be alone, I want to divorce him, I want to be happy, I want to respect and protect myself. Suddenly, I could feel the wave of freedom. I felt relieved! My problem all this years long had just gone! Only by changing my state of mind! Even before I started the paperwork of the divorce. Oh so much relieved... .

However, the life after the divorce.... it was not easy to heal myself. My emotional state was unstable. Though I wanted the divorce, and always thought it was the best decision I ever made until this day, I still feel the wound and hurt. I still have a night cry. I think the feeling is so unique so that it is only me who can understand (this is possibly wrong).

It is difficult to accept the reality that:

I might had been married with a man who never ever loved me, I was fooled, I was betrayed in a way that did not need other female or male, and I was so stupid to let other person using me so much while I actually loved him.

I was grieving. I cried a lot during my marriage. Though he noticed it, he did not try to understand what was happening. He abandoned me physically (he did not afford our family) and mentally.

I am still grieving now. Sometimes I do not know whether I deserve happiness or not in relationship. I take mirror and see myself as a kind person, don't other people see it? Don't they really care about me? Do I give to people less than what I can actually give?

My grief takes longer time than my ex. I have just realized it last night.

He says sorry but he does not acknowledge what I feel and felt. He says sorry but he refuses to reveal his regret to himself and to me. He takes an instant solution: without the learning, he wants to improve our relationship after the divorce and thinks everything okay...I am okay... so he can make new relationship.

My standpoint is: I believe my decision is right.

His standpoint is: the divorce happen because I (me) took hurry and did not give him opportunity.

I don't regret my decision because after the divorce I can do better in my career and I am remaking relationships with my old friends, making new friends....things that will not happen if I am still in the marriage.

I am not sucked up in anybody else's life.

But I tore up last night when I exchanged messages with my ex.

Am I still depressed?

9 Replies

  • Hi there, I have never been married or had children but I have been in a similar relationship to the one that you are describing. Again, I was the one that left because I couldn't stand the abuse (emotional ) that he was putting me through. I felt relieved when I left but also very sad....just because you are the one to end the relationship doesn't mean that it is any easier. In my experience I don't think that there is a time limit on grief...because ultimately this is what you are experiencing...the loss of the relationship and someone that you loved. My advice would be to speak to your GP and ask for counselling. I've been many times before and it has really helped. Just to be able to get it all out is the best feeling in the world and for someone to listen who isn't involved in the situation. Counselling may help you discover things about yourself that you never knew before and you will be able to devise stratagies with your counsellor to help you move forward with your life and make positive changes. Good luck xxx

  • yea... u underlined my feelings correctly and accurately... . the worst part of my divorce was i felt i did not know what whether which judgment was actually true: he had just very 'unique' way to express his love, or he did not love me and I simply was blinded because of my love to him. Whatever it was, I felt sooo relieved when I decided to divorce him. I did not give him chance even to explain anything to me. It was like suddenly I cut out the broken part of my body before it was too dangerous to the whole body.

  • thank you Jovb36 for your comment :)

  • You are welcome. I hope that you are doing well. Take it one step and one day at a time. If you need to chat you can always message me.

    Take care xxx

  • Hi, Sorry I have not replied before now. I've been away from the HealthUnlocked forums for a bit.

    I know how you feel I have been separated for one year and 4 months. I had been hoping that my divorce would have been through in April since we don't have any kids but my ex is dragging it out.

    I asked my husband to leave after I had a breakdown and he did nothing to help me. I know I was partly to blame because I was ill, but he started keeping secrets. He gave me a row when I was not getting treatment and when the doctor couldn't initially find anything wrong with me. I had been through IVF to have that fail and to be told I was starting the menopause earlier. I struggled through that and though I was doing right by "giving myself a shake", as they say, and burying my feelings about that. I went on to help him with his sporting goal and in that I ended up with my own goal as well. After his goal was achieved we had nothing. I had had a rough time working for a company who was affected by the financial crisis and in the end I was not in a good place at work and very stressed. I was eventually made redundant and had to deal with the stress of an unhappy year at work before the redundancy and being belittled by my team manager I went from having spent 5 years getting the highest grade you could get a performance reviews to getting a very appalling review from my last manager. He made some excuse about he didn't see my work so didn't know what I did. He certainly wasn't happy when I pointed out that was his fault for not contacting me and that I had not had any complaints from my customers and was always asking for more work when I knew I had time for other tasks.

    Once I was made redundant I took time out with the agreement of my ex. When I went back to work I was not feeling in the least self-confident and he persuaded me to take a job I was unsure I could cope with. I became ill in that job and he just told me to get on with it. He started keeping secrets and telling me to mind my own business when I asked how he day went. Things went from bad to worse and when I tried to talk to him he wasn't interested. He started going out at nights when he never had before and eventually I had my break down. After a lot of tests the doctors thought I had come back from a holiday with a virus which they can only guess triggered something and I end up with a breakdown. My ex wasn't helpful, arguing with me that I was at the doctors too much, then I was at them enough. I should take their advice, then I was wrong to be listening to them.

    You guessed it my head was spinning and I wasn't getting any better. He was livid when I quit my job because I couldn't cope. Said I hadn't spoke to him about it. When I had and he'd just cut me off. I think he was more upset about his friend who got me the job being let down than me being ill.

    We eventually reached the stage where we were arguing a lot and I had to get out of the house and would stupidly go driving at night when I knew I shouldn't I'd and up places that I couldn't remember parts of the drive.

    I tried a CBT program for anxiety and depression, eventually agreed to take the medication the doctor wanted me to take. Then I did a Stress Control course which I asked him to attend with me so he would know what I was doing and could help me. He refused to go, but then would go behind my back and tell my Mum that he didn't know what to do that I was crazy, Mum suggested he go along to the class to encourage me to do with they were suggesting, but he just said he didn't need to do another class. I eventually said to him that things weren't working anymore and we had a number of options stay as we were, which wasn't an option as far as I was concerned, seek counselling, or separate for a few months. I'd talked this all through with a psychologist I was seeing and she said they were feasible options. He said he wanted to separate for 3 months and see how things were. I wasn't happy because I still want to fix the marriage, but I agreed.

    Then to give me an even bigger slap in the face he told me he was moving in with another woman who had only recently split from her husband and they a young son. Apparently there was a spare room for him and they were just "friends". I told him to get out that weekend and I wanted a divorce if that's how he thought he was going to fix our marriage.

    It was awful. I'd been beating myself up alot about all this and blaming myself for the marriage break-up. The one day I realized that it takes 2 to take a marriage and that I had admitted I was ill, but he was to blame for the break up as well.

    I also realised that it was okay to be upset about the lose of the marriage that there is a grieving process to go through, but I had lost a big part of my life. I was doing thought diaries to help with my anxiety and depression and I did one about a thought I had about my marriage at the end of it I realised that I had made the right decision. That something had changed and we had obviously different ideas about how to treat each other and that it was better to be away from what had turned into a toxic relationship.

    So here I am 16 months later still not divorced because he keeps putting blockers in the way, for whatever reason. It should have been so simple, declare our assests work out the split, but no everything I have done to try and get him to move one has been met with resistance I've had to leave my sports club because his friends who I though were mine were leaving me paranoid and not helping matters at all. I've tried to reach out to him and all he does is complain to his lawyer. I am not sure if he's trying to make me sick again so that I will just say "take it all" or what.

    But the one thing I will say is that I am certainly glad I left. I may be on my own right now, but at least I know that I am not in a place where I am being slowly beaten down. It is only now that I look back on it that I can see the shell of a person I had turned into. I am now back laughing and joking at family events, where for a while I'd just sit and not say anything.

    You know you've made the right decision now what you have to do is build up your self-confidence and you certainly don't want to be with anyone that doesn't respect you and help you become a self-confident and happy person. I'd suggest finding some hobby you can do to meet new friends, maybe try some courses as well or a fitness class.

    Set goals for having fun and doing things that you've wanted to try, but haven't had time to do.

    It is also okay to cry about the lose of your marriage, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You will one day suddenly realise you are not crying anymore.

    We are all too tough on ourselves (I remind myself about that every day, still) and we need to learn to give ourselves permission to have fun and to be happy.

    You will get through this and if you want to talk you can send me a PM.

    Take care and remember you have done what you believe is right and you will get over this in your own time.

    I gave myself permission to remember the good times and to remind myself I can't turn the clock back and I need to move forward and on to new challenges and a happier and better me. I hope you can do that too, but it will be in your own time.

    Take care.

  • That sounds awful...I cannot imagine going through what you're going through right now. But I am glad you don't regret your decision, i do think that regret the worst torture a person can put themselves through. On another note, I was wondering how you and your spouse got your divorce (if you don't mind me asking) My spouse and I are planning our own divorce and we want it out of the court because of financial reasons. Is there another possibility for divorce to be done online? Thistoo seems ok ( thistoo.co for reference), but I'm doubting on whether or not it'll be trustworthy, as they are handling a lot of confidential information. Does anyone have experience with online divorce? Any suggestions would be appreciated thank you.

  • you sniffed something 'abnormal' during my divorce process. yes, I decided myself. I never discussed my decision divorcing him. I told him before the legal process, but i did not give any turning back. I was so tired. Whenever I talked or discussed thing with him, my feelings were taken aside, he was not considerate. He was like always 'win', all advantage went to him. I was so exhausted of being abandoned and neglected emotionally and physically (when I decided to divorce, he was already gone from home). Then he made me injured in one argument with me. So couple of days later, after a lot of self thinking (I did not consult to anyone), I felt so relieved when I was sure I was going to divorce him.

    What I learn from my process is agreeing to divorce from each parties makes everything a lot easier. About the financial impact...hmm.. I experience better after divorce because since the very beginning of the marriage I paid all the bills! I hope that you both can make way out working best for you!

  • Hi. I can relate to ur entire story. I was with my husband for 21 years when we got divorced. I made the tough decision b/c I was married to a Narcissist & I was very much in love w/ him! He was very angry about the divorce & did not speak to me for 15 months. I was sad everyday w/o him in my life!!! I was more miserable w/o him so I prayed to God for answers & not sure if I did what He wanted for me or if I acted in self will but my therapist who I've been seeing for 20 years said; " if u get back w/ him, u have to acknowledge that he has a disease that he would never admit to & U will have to learn how to live w/ a Narcisssit."

    I called him that day & we have been seeing each other ever since & we have now moved in together. I won't tell u it's easy but nothing in life really is. This time is a lot better or maybe I have just learned that I can't expect him to do things the way normal, caring men do. But he is very romantic & loves to spoil me which makes up for some of the other We've been together now 6 months & living together for 2! All I can say is that I think I'm happier this time around!!!

    There is a great website from Canada that I found on the Internet. I don't have the exact address but if u put the word Narcissist in the search bar, it will come up. Please go to that site regardless of what u end up doing b/c it helped me more than anything & I could stop blaming myself by understanding his disease. A lot of women live w/ this disorder & never do anything about it so the fact that u did is something u should be proud of. They usually search women who are kind , loving, compassionate, etc...& we fulfill their dreams while ours never get fulfilled!

    Please go to the website, I promise u that u won't want to quit reading !

    Good Luck & God Bless

    Feel free to message me back.

  • wow...! your experience is opening my eye! i never such thing before! yes i will search about it soon... . btw, ur story...means you come back to him?