I Tore Up Although My Divorce Done Almost 2 Years Ago

[hitapara]

I know there is no exact time when somebody can heal his/her wound after the divorce. It can be a week, three months, or years. Mine seems years. When I had a chat with my ex last night, I still tore up. What is happening to me actually?

I had a huge grief even before the divorce process started. I was the leaver. I was the one who felt the marriage did not work anymore.

I remembered the night when I laid down on my bed. My 2,5 y.o. daughter was already snoring. I exchanged texts with my husband. We already lived separated. He tried to fix our relationship in a very odd way. He texted me words accusing me I was cheated on him. He belittled me though he wanted to fix our relationship. I was so much hurt. He did not even trying to see the problem, hearing my heart. He was always taking in opposite standpoint. He did not try to wear my shoes. I was fed up though truly loving him. I had tried to hang on in the unhealthy relationship. But after the exchanged messages, I could not stand it anymore. I was so tired, hopeless, cornered, fooled, etc.

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes... . I was thinking what if I just divorced him. I felt an ease in my heart. It felt right.

I whispered to myself: I want to be alone, I want to divorce him, I want to be happy, I want to respect and protect myself. Suddenly, I could feel the wave of freedom. I felt relieved! My problem all this years long had just gone! Only by changing my state of mind! Even before I started the paperwork of the divorce. Oh so much relieved... .

However, the life after the divorce.... it was not easy to heal myself. My emotional state was unstable. Though I wanted the divorce, and always thought it was the best decision I ever made until this day, I still feel the wound and hurt. I still have a night cry. I think the feeling is so unique so that it is only me who can understand (this is possibly wrong).

It is difficult to accept the reality that:

I might had been married with a man who never ever loved me, I was fooled, I was betrayed in a way that did not need other female or male, and I was so stupid to let other person using me so much while I actually loved him.

I was grieving. I cried a lot during my marriage. Though he noticed it, he did not try to understand what was happening. He abandoned me physically (he did not afford our family) and mentally.

I am still grieving now. Sometimes I do not know whether I deserve happiness or not in relationship. I take mirror and see myself as a kind person, don't other people see it? Don't they really care about me? Do I give to people less than what I can actually give?

My grief takes longer time than my ex. I have just realized it last night.

He says sorry but he does not acknowledge what I feel and felt. He says sorry but he refuses to reveal his regret to himself and to me. He takes an instant solution: without the learning, he wants to improve our relationship after the divorce and thinks everything okay...I am okay... so he can make new relationship.

My standpoint is: I believe my decision is right.

His standpoint is: the divorce happen because I (me) took hurry and did not give him opportunity.

I don't regret my decision because after the divorce I can do better in my career and I am remaking relationships with my old friends, making new friends....things that will not happen if I am still in the marriage.

I am not sucked up in anybody else's life.

But I tore up last night when I exchanged messages with my ex.

Am I still depressed?