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Need Advice! My daughter who has been married a year is thinking of divorce!

SadMommy profile image

Hello Everyone,

My daughter and her husband dated since age 14 and got married last year at age 24. She came home (my house) early this morning saying she thinks they're not going to make it...that they're too different and is basically talking divorce. No cheating or any clear big issues like that. She says they been trying to make it work the whole time and they just can't. I tried saying everyone has "growing" pains the first year, but she's thinks they just have too much history together that they can't get better. We've just been in tears the whole day. This can as a huge shock to me and my husband because she never mentioned any problems at all.

Any advice?

Thanks!

UPDATE: So I found out one of the main problems is she is jealous. She was embarrassed to admit it, but apparently her husband has a female friend at work who he texts and talks with. She also said she could easily see them going out together if he wasn't married, that she is "his type". He says he wouldn't cheat and she needs to trust him and give him space.

Also, he was an only child of divorced parents and has always been a loner whereas she's always likes being around other people. They have little time together since their work schedules are different. So when they both have time together she feels the need to be together and be perfectly "happy", but it ends up with arguing about everything.

21 Replies

I am not sure what you can say that would be helpful. You have probably already said a lot anyway.

However, there certainly is an adjustment period while newlyweds get used to each other and living with someone full time.

Patience is a good thing but advice from parents isn’t always accepted.

Sounds like you did a good job parenting since your daughter is still talking to you about these things. Maybe small suggestions for her on not being hasty, giving things more time, keeping an open mind, and such.

Good luck.

bobbybobb profile image
bobbybobbAmbassador

It has come as a very big shock too you and it could be, you haven't got the full story yet but as she is an adult, I think it is important to be there as you are doing and be supportive of the decisions she is making. As much as you may feel upset and hurt, these are your daughter's decisions. Maybe after she has had some time apart at your house, she may realise it's not what she what's after all and once she has had some time too think about it all, it could be, she may want too go back and try with her marriage. I think you are doing all you can by being there for your daughter and showing her your support. 😊🌼

Maybe seek some counselling before making such a big decision? Us long married folk know that it can be a bit of a roller coaster! I wish them well.

It is a very difficult thing your daughter has had to do. There is nothing harder than going to your parents to tell them that you are wanting to get divorced. It takes tremendous courage to do that.

My best advice is just to support your daughter in what she decides. Try not to ask too many questions or show your worry and disappointment.

I was very anxious when I had to tell my parents. There response was brilliant. My mum asked if I was sure. And then just said ok then. She then called my dad into the kitchen ( why do these conversations always happen in kitchens?) and he just said, well if that is what you want.

Of course they were disappointed and very worried about my future, but they did not show it, which, to my mind, was a good thing.

Your daughter won’t have entered into this decision lightly. And even though she has decided this is probably what is best, she will still be hurting.

There is plenty of time for her to change her mind. Maybe the two of them are just suffering from lockdown and as the world get backs to normal, so will they.

Unless things have changed, it takes two years to divorce in a no blame divorce.

Rather suggests they are and were both far too young and inexperienced for marriage in the

first instance. Better to quit now before any sprogs on the scene. Your daughter has her whole life ahead and will almost certainly find her Mr Right; a man she truly gels with, sooner or later. This may be difficult for you to accept just now but it's better than being in

a marriage where both are bickering and fighting constantly. That isn't marriage, that's war.

All the best with your endeavours.

Hi SadMommy,

Very sorry to hear how badly this has affected you and I say just to support your daughter through what is hers and her husband's decision. You've had a shock and naturally you are very upset and probably not thinking all that clearly. But your daughter's an adult and she has lived through her marriage whilst you have only experienced some aspects of it. Because our married children are adults they often don't share the more unpleasant aspects of life until they are living something that's no longer tenable.

When there's a divorce there is always pain and your job is to say "We understand. We are here for you". And if she asks for advice, give an opinion if you wish to. But if your daughter has made up her mind, just respect her decision. 🙏

Sorry to hear but after being married 21 years the love was gone from my marriage if they have tried and BOTH of them feel its not going anywhere then it maybe the best thing but would say try a trial separation first

Hi SadMommy

Could it be that they’ve just had a row and will make it up? Sometimes bad arguments can feel like the end of a marriage, but rarely are. You say she hasn’t mentioned it before so I hope that’s the case. I can so understand how you’re feeling though 💐

OMG that brings back memories , we did the same thing several times , I got married at 24 too a very young 24 and the number of times I ran home to my parents saying the same thing, it was all a big mistake , I’m coming home , but we persevered and over the years we’ve had many ups and downs but we’ve made it to 48 years.

marriage isn’t easy far from it, unfortunately it’s thought when you get married that’s it but it’s not you have to keep working at it, I do hope it’s teething troubles for your daughter like it was for me, a year is nothing really, and sadly if it’s not you’ll be there for her I’m sure , take care

SadMommy profile image
SadMommy in reply to

Congratulations on your long marriage! I hope this is just a bump in the road like yours.

in reply to SadMommy

I sincerely hope so too, you say they have been dating since they were 14 , ten years that’s quite a while. but I suppose living together is different, maybe a little break will do the trick, good luck to them.

Thanks Everyone!

It's hard because she says they both love each other and like each other. They didn't live together beforehand.

Everyone thought that my eldest sister got married too young (she missed being a child bride by a few months). I was an uncle at the age of 15!

We are 5 siblings, and the other 4 of us have all divorced (and I have been widowered too).

One of my step-daughters had several children before she married - but she was living with the father for decades, and then married and separated.

Some people do change when they get married, and sometimes they are nice when they are dating, but take a spouse for granted.

Has Covid - 19 made life difficult for them?

Does she have her own space and her own interests?

SadMommy profile image
SadMommy in reply to S11m

I don't think Covid has contributed. They work different schedules. I do think since he was an only child of divorced parents, he was use to being alone most of the time and now when they are both not at work, my daughter might be too much in his space.

Hollyseden profile image
Hollyseden in reply to SadMommy

It could be all the covid stress and sudden quite dramatic changes all round to their lifestyles. That and adjusting to married life, quite a challenge. Hope things work out for them.

Better now than a few years down the line when small children might be involved. All you can do is support her whatever she decides. Been through it with my own daughters so know how devastating it can be.

SadMommy profile image
SadMommy in reply to Angelagone

I'm glad they don't have children right now!

That's what I'm hoping!

Lots of great advice here.

Biggest gift you can give her is to listen with love and compassion.

Don't take sides and reassure her that although life looks bleak at the moment "all things pass"

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired

Probably a lot of it is due to Lockdown and being forced together, you soon find out the annoying bits about your partner, and because you can't get away from them it becomes a problem.

I think time may sort this out, unless there is real unkindness going on behind the scenes.

Cheers, Midori

leave it to her. if she is old enough to have sex, drive, vote and get married she is old enough to make her own decisions and learn by her own mistakes. either way she cannot lose she will either realise she is being immature and possessive and lacking in confidence and pushing this on him, and grow up instantly, being fairer to him, or she will get a divorce and be happy without him, so either way there is no real problem. real problems are where other people do things to you that you hate, she is making all the choices here and he is the one who has to live by them. he realises she lacks confidence and is immature and he realises he will either end up single again or she has to grow up a bit to be able to stick with it. he is being pragmatic and grown up about it, considering his age. she should do the same. but the worst thing you can do is get involved and interfere, she would never grow up then.

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