Postnatal depression

[DanielleJ]

Hi,

only new here and I'm wondering if anyone is in the same boat as me or similar.

Basically I have two children a 5and a half year old and a just gone one year old, both boys. I suffer with sever postnatal depression and have done in the past. I had a very very hard pregnancy last year and started developing several issues about myself. I had a horrible traumatic birth and have had councilling sessions ever since. I have a very fussy baby who doesn't seem to enjoy eating its so strange because he used to love food and now he spits everything I try back out I am really sleep deprived as he gets up all through the night and my days start at 5, I try my best to stay calm but I struggle and always feel like I'm angry all the time. I didn't bond with my baby for a while which was heartbreaking because I knew that's what was happening, my relationship with the father has broken down also so I've been struggling and felt let down there too. I feel hopeless as a parent as I feel my baby isn't happy or is never settled. My ex always sees the light in everything and has always thought I worry over everything, and with depression it can't be helped of course. I'm wondering if any other parents feel the same?? . I have days where I feel so low and just want to feel happy. I don't have anyone who really understands postnatal depression.

[rocky77]

Welcome Danielle

It's heartbreaking hearing your story. You have and continue to go through so much and it's clear how low you're feeling not to mention depressed and exhausted.

Whilst I'm not a health care professional, it certainly sounds as if you're struggling with PNI symptoms - depression, feelings of hopelessness etc. These are hard to deal with. Are you getting any support ? You mentioned counselling for the traumatic birth - is that helping? Are you having regular contact with gp? Have they offered any other support.

I think when you feel so low, things like your baby not eating well can be taken so personally. I'm sure it's just a phase and nothing to do with you at all but it's usual to blame oneself with PNI . Again it's worth seeing advice about the eating.

PNI was A very bleak period of my life too when I could not see life improving. With proper support recovery will be quicker.

If you haven't already I would go to see a sympathetic gp. Would you consider medication? That can be an option. Also talking therapies combined with support from say health visitor, family and friends can make a difference. Getting F proper rest will make a difference.

Keep talking. You're not alone in how you're feeling and we do understand x

[DanielleJ in reply to rocky77]

Hi, thank you so much for the reply. It means so much.

I do get counselling but I've had cbt and I'm now doing ipt therapy but it isn't focused on my Postnatal depression as such. Also I do take medication yes I have been on different antidepressants since my first born nearly 6 Years ago now and some have made me worse and the side effects I get can be awful. I do get sick of going back and forth to my gp as I feel a nuisance but I've got more confident in doing so recently because I got worse and very very low and needed help. I have asked help of my health visitor about my baby because I feel like I'm not making my babyhappy as you said I'm taking it very personal. I'm hoping she will get in touch soon to help as it's a constant battle with my baby every day.

I also have my sister who helps me so much I'd be nowhere without her. She always understands and helps me to reach out more.

I can't help think about my ex all the time as it was only October when we broke up and obviously I see him because of our child. I have a feeling of anger and sadness because I was so alone when I was at my worst and he blankly said he couldn't handle me.

Thankyou for this support x

[rocky77]

Hi

PNI can be the loneliest place in the planet when you feel so alone. I'm sorry your relationship broke down when you felt awful anyway. I'm not surprised you have mixed feelings about it all. my partner at the time was quite horrible to me but later admitted he just couldn't handle me being so anxious and depressed and in my case obsessed with various things.

Well done on being assertive with Drs. If you're not feeling better it's worth going back. Sometimes tweaking meds can help when you hit a low.

It sounds like you have support and your sister sounds fantastic . Chase up the hv. Do you feel the cbt helped.? What's ipt therapy?

A huge pick me up was exercise - I know you're shattered but if you feel up to it it's worth doing even a little. Also if you can perhaps start a hobby or do something just for you that you enjoy that can help.

X

[DanielleJ in reply to rocky77]

Hi love,

Yes it really is lonely feeling this way. When I was with my partner I still felt lonely because we barely spoke about it. He was out all hours working and I was at home being a mommy and running the house so we were both knackered when it was bed time. Why was your partner awful to you? If you don't want to say on here that's fine. It just shows that he realised he couldn't handle how you were just like my ex. He admitted straight away. I don't think he ever realised how hard it can get. The word obsessed you used is very similar to how I feel actually.

And cbt did help yes, my mind set has been the same for years now and as my therapist said. It wasn't my fault with how I thought sometimes. I couldn't help but think negative as a first thought and my ex used to pull me up on that all the time. Never saw what I had as an illness. Not an excuse.

Also you are 100% right about exercise. I walk everyday and did when I was pregnant and exercised too. And then when I was severely sick after my baby I obviously lost the walking and any interest at all in ever getting back to it. Thankfully I can physically do it now. I go on my own with my baby. They say when your on antidepressants that exercise helps. X

[rocky77]

Hi

Yes both of you feeling exhausted and not communicating is so common. I was an emotional wreck - all I used to do was obsess about illnesses and cry and I couldn't do anything where as before I ran the house. I wanted some affection from him and understanding and I got neither . If I cried he would get angry and tell me to pull myself together. I felt intimidated by him I was like a mouse scared of everything. He didn't admit how difficult it was for him until I was well into my recovery which I can understand. His lack of compassion for me was hard for me to understand . I think often men and others in general don't understand what you're going through - you look OK after all! If you broke a leg the difficulties you'd face would be obvious !

Have faith that life will improve. Take things day by day and look at the bigger picture - are you improving overall . I know it's hard though x

[rocky77]

Hi just wondering how you're doing?

[DanielleJ in reply to rocky77]

Hi. I'm just plodding on as we have to dont we. Hope your OK thank you do much for last time it really helps to talk. I'm waiting to get my own house now which my therapist said was a huge step for me to take.

I've started to notice also my anger. I don't know if you had it or anyone else you know but because it builds up so much on me I struggle to relax and stay calm. I get mad at both boys dads because they get to do what they want when they want to relax to take time for themselves and I get that maybe once, it's so hard. I went mad yesterday I just cried so much I struggle to get through them days with patience. I stay as calm as I can for my boys but it's extremely hard.

I need to get my diet back to being good again because I was doing well with that, I do always see the negative first I never realised that until I did my therapy and she did say it's a part of the depression. X

[rocky77]

Hi

When should you get your house? Yes it's a big step but such a positive one. You have every right tobfeel resentful. It's often easier for dads to rebuild their lives, have more time for themselves when everything is on your head. Yes it's hard to keep calm and collected and if it's any consolation in a single mum too and I have days when I'm a screaming banshee.

Try to focus on yourself. Have a goal (like weight loss). Factor in the odd night out. Perhaps after kids have gone to bed watch a film with some sweets or have a bath so you feel pampered. Little things like this go a long way. You're doing an amazing job x

[rocky77]

Hi

Just wondering how you've been x