I broke my hip, shoulder and arm and ended up in hospital for 2 months. During that time I experienced severe steroid side effects made worse by the other medication I was on. Since I have been out of hospital my health has slid down an extremely slippery slope. Despite excellent GP care and access to consultants I find I am no better. My mobility has decreased, my physical strength is virtually non existent and my mental health follows suit. My husband is a wonderful man and he has taken over the role of career, housekeeper, gardener, and general cheering me upper! My social life has gone from full to empty, this of course impinges on my husband. I feel so guilty at the amount of work and pressure this has put on him. He never complains and is so kind and considerate. I feel sometimes as if I am a fraud and should be able to get back to my old life but try as hard as I might I cannot. Is there any advice anyone can give as to how I can help him to ease the burden he now carries.
Guilt over my condition : I broke my hip, shoulder... - PMRGCAuk
Guilt over my condition
Hi Morant 😊
You poor thing, this sounds awful!! 😳
The one thing you must not feel is guilty. Although I say that, I empathise totally with you, I often feel I am ruining my hubby’s life 😟 He assures me, of course, that it’s not true, but boy, do I know how you feel…..
Anyway, as to practicalities….I do try to at least look positive. I know it helps him if I’ve washed my hair, got dressed as early as I can, etc. Also if he hears me chatting happily to friends or family. I’m doing it because I want to, but I also know it reassures him that all he’s doing is having a good effect and is helpful, if you see what I mean.
I have employed a cleaning lady for two hours a week and a gardener for one. And I do what I can, even if it’s only dead heading geraniums. Makes life feel worthwhile for both of us, and gives him a break.
I’ve also set a personal rule that he has Fridays “off”. He usually goes out to lunch with friends and quite honestly I enjoy being able to collapse in a heap while he’s out. He more than deserves a life of his own.
None of this is rocket science and it’s not clever in any way. I’m sure others have better ideas but I wanted to assure you that you’re not alone. Guilt is a horrid feeling but I’m sure one that a lot of us experience more or less often.
Take care, you’ve had a really rough time. All the best, NOP xx
Thank you NOP. You don’t know how much it means to know someone else feels the same. I have these thoughts about it only being me and really I should be doing more etc etc. I am so glad to have found this site, as I knew next to nothing about PMR and basically I was diagnosed, given the steroids and left to get on with it. It is so good to be able to express anxieties and receive sound information on this site. You are kind to have taken the time and eased my mind on my feelings of guilt. With kindness Morant
You articulate your situation so well and much of what you express will chime with a lot of us. You know that you would do the same for your husband if he had, had all this misfortune. There are rewards in being the one who does the caring and extra duties. The best you can do is try to regain your health and strength. If you are too depressed to do this then perhaps that’s where your treatment should begin. Showing gratitude is also good for you and good for your husband to hear, even though you know, he knows, it is nice to hear that you are loved and appreciated. You must be pretty special to inspire such devotion. Use your energy to get strong again. 🌈
Thank you , and the tip about starting treatment with the depression is a good idea. He has all of my gratitude but you are right, communicating it is important.
Hi Have you looked into seeing if you could claim attendance allowance
If so this may help to purchase some help in the home.
Just remember if the boot was on the other foot you would do all you could for your Husband as he is doing for you .
Age UK do lots of things to help ease loneliness like telephone calls and a sitting service may be get in touch with your local group .
None of us asked for these health problems.and believe you me all I have done today is Moan to my Son about how poorly l feel .So don’t feel guilty.
I agree, Attendance Allowance would be great if you qualify. It’s based on need for personal help, and is not means tested…😎
Here's a link to applying for AA, might be worth looking at - gov.uk/attendance-allowance...
Thank you for the link, I already receive Attendance Allowance at the higher level. My husband is a very proud man and finds it difficult to accept help, even from family.
I appreciate that…. but sometimes we do need to accept outside help. Our situation was the opposite to yours….but similar in many ways.
My late hubby was very upset when he could no longer do all the things he used to be able to when he had cardiac issues, and was always saying he felt guilty that I had to do them. My argument was, as has already been said, if the boot was on the other foot he would do it for me….that’s what a long term loving relationship is about.
When I lost the sight in one eye due to late diagnosis of GCA, despite his issues he returned to driving (something he hadn’t been too keen on during previous months) and that I think gave him a purpose in life until I felt capable of returning to it.. by which time he was poorly again.
I’m sure you will find a way through this difficult time, but do try and impress upon him that accepting help is not a failure on his behalf, and you don’t want him putting his own health at risk.
As for socialising, does he have friends he could meet for a couple of hours just to relax whilst (for the moment) you stay at home, or have your friends around so he’s not worried about leaving you on your own.
AgeUageuk.org.uk/information-ad... also has some good tips
I do realise of course that that feeling of guilt often can’t be assuaged by extra income or by alternative help…xxx
Accept gracefully that he loves you and isn't wriggling out of what he promised to do when you got married: to love you in sickness and in health. There is no guilt to feel - you will get better and at some point you will get the opportunity to reciprocate in some way.
As someone who was on his end of the situation I can tell you that communicating gratitude is one of the most appreciated things. Maybe, if he won't accept help willingly, could you persuade him that having a cleaner (or whatever is appropriate for your situation) would allow a regular time you could forget what he has to do for you and just sit together and enjoy each other's company while being "waited on" together? That doesn't really explain what I mean - but I'm sure you can think of a pamper hour you would enjoy together with no distraction, And tell him how much you would enjoy it.
A lovely post and sorry you feel guilty and down physically. I assume you have mended from the breaks but due to pred, and immobility when recovering have deteriorated rapidly. My mobility exercises which take little effort might help you recover a little of what you have lost . Don't feel guilty. Were I in his shoes I would do exactly what he is doing. Just be grateful he cares so.
Oh Morant, where would we all be without this wonderful site? You probably feel a lot better just having written your post and then reading all of the encouraging, supportive replies? I once read that "Guilt goes hand in hand with oestrogen"! I think there's somehting in that? You are blessed, as am I to have such a kind and loving man. Be grateful and express your gratitude to him. As others have said, have some Pamper Days together and encourage him to do something for himself. He would love expressing his love for you in such a practical way.
Mordant , I empathise with you so much. I have had times, flares with PMR and Ulcerative colitis when I have been housebound and unable to do very much . I felt guilty and apologised frequently for limiting our social life . Like you my hubby is kind and caring and always says that I would do the same for him. I would encourage him to go fishing for the day with a couple of friends . Life is improving now and we are beginning to do more things together, as will you. Thinking of you , remember you are not alone , we have all had times like you xx🌺
I know exactly how you feel. You've been through a lot. We want to be the person we were for ourselves and our family. My husband is amazing, I honestly think he would be within his rights to run away!! BUT something very simple like having a sandwich made for him seems to really lift his spirits, one cos he likes that I've done it for him but also that he feels I'm well enough at that particular time to do it. I know it sounds very basic but I've been so bad with this thing, the fatigue being huge for me that for ages I didn't do something simple like that. The low mood from it all can really take hold at times. When you feel a bit better there are little things that will mean a lot to him. I wish you well, do let us know how you are getting on.
I so agree with you, powerwalk 😊
I find that my hubby really appreciates me even making him a cup of tea, for the reasons you describe. And if we manage to go out socially, well, that’s such a joy! Hopefully we’re both beginning to be able to enjoy what we can do, and think less about what we can’t.
All the best xx
Yes, so true. X
In our area (north Hertfordshire) there is a set up called "Compassionate Neighbours". This is a team of (trained and vetted) volunteers who give will visit, or phone, anyone who needs them. Here they function under the umbrella of a hospice, but people don't need to be hospice patients to either refer themselves, or be referred.
Perhaps you'd fancy a visit? Or a phone call?It might be worth asking your GP surgery, or local library,etc if there is something in your area?
I hope you start to feel better soon.
where about in North Herts Grannymiaow? We were based in Ashwell before moving to Durham.
We're in Royston. It's Garden House Hospice Care in Letchworth who organise the local Compassionate Neighbours scheme.
just around the corner from us when there from 1978 - 2012. Know garden house hospice. Wonderful institution. fund raised for them when setting up. Drop me a PM on chat and we can compare notes.
~Dear Morant - your message has resonated with us by the vast array of warm encouraging messages made from other members.We are so blessed being able to share our emotional thorns with each other on this site.
I sincerely hope these comments will help you take the next step & allow healing on all levels to take place, albeit gently & gradually.
That would be the greatest gift you could offer your good self + your husband.
Abundant blessings are sent your way to start you on your new path ~
Hi Morant.....empathy and great advice here. Could I add..try a little exercise at whatever level...even on the safa...then follow with a whey protein drink...Nice with milk and maybe added fruit...Solgar make a healthy grass fed one..(.order on line when on special offer../😉)...I have found it helps ease muscle aches and lifts you psychologically. Hope all these ideas on here help you feel better. 🙏 🌈
Sorry to hear of your decline….quite the shift for everyone.
Guilt really does not serve any good purpose except, perhaps, for spurring on eventual accountability for folks who have truly done some sort of harm.
Think of how you would respond if it was your husband who was facing the same health woes….likely you would be supporting him the same way he is supporting you. I’m sure if you could change things regarding your health, you would (wouldn’t we all).
I am often reminded of how our loved ones are impacted when we are dealing with a chronic illness. How difficult it must be for them to make the adjustments and watch us struggle. You can communicate to him how grateful you are for all his help (something you’ve likely already done).
I remember constantly apologizing to my husband for all the physical things I could not do. Then I realized that my PMR limitations are not a “choice”, rather a fallout of the disease. Now I try and focus on what we CAN do together and take advantage of the “good days”.
This really resonates with me and I haven't really found an answer, but I do keep silently saying "I love and accept myself completely" and although I didn't believe it at first, I think I am starting to. The other feeling I can't seem to shake off is the need to get back to "normal", whatever that may be!! Sending good wishes through the ether. Kate x
We marry for better or for worse.You have a husband that loves you very much and he knows that he wants to help you get better.Iam in the same situation where my husband has taken on alot of the chores.He has a walker and it's hard to not be able to do what we once did.I feel bad cause I cry alot cause iam in pain and it upsets my husband.Lets hope we both get better soon❤️Sadly I live in Canada and our healthcare is terrible.
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