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SI Emotions

Wwwdot profile image
61 Replies

I don’t know what is going on at the moment but my emotions are all over the place. Been SI EOD or ED for around 6 months now and am managing a needle phobia to do so.

But the last week or so I am tearful after each injection - I feel like I want to bawl! I find myself crying for no reason and I feel so so low when I have so much to be grateful for.

Can anyone shed any light? I am normally very motivated, ever the optimist and always looking on the bright side. I do not usually cry for no reason!

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Wwwdot
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61 Replies
Pickle500 profile image
Pickle500

So sorry to hear that.

I dread my injections every time. I feel awful doing it and I worry about what I'm doing to myself. Once it's done, though, I feel good and relieved and can move on.

I wonder also if the dread is around a memory trigger - it brings up feelings about the awful state we were in at our worst. It's like it makes it harder to move on - I've been doing it for almost 2 years now and I still hate it.

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toPickle500

Thank you, you made me cry again! but thank you these are comfort tears I think!

KBird01 profile image
KBird01

Hi. Sorry to hear you're not feeling so good again. I've been following your story these last few months.

I'm on the mend again after changing my supplementing routine. One of the things I had a a big symptom was feeling depressed. Really flat and low and not looking forward to anything. I'm currently on iron supplements too and whilst it's hard to tell what's really making the difference, low iron for example can cause things like low mood. (I believe low folate and vit D are others)

Have you had a blood test recently to test levels other than your B12 (obviously no point testing that if you're self injecting)?

I don't know your age, so forgive me if you are a veritable spring chicken (!), but could the menopause be a factor too?

🤞 you pull back round soon.

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toKBird01

I am in my Autumnal (broiler!) years but in my head still in my 30s! I am low in folate and Vitamin D and the levels are slowly increasing - at the rate they are going up it will be about a year to reach the level the consultant wants - assuming the increase in linear and not exponential. Thank you but its comforting to read your very kind words.

KBird01 profile image
KBird01 in reply toWwwdot

Haha! I know the feeling! My brain is constantly telling my body to get with the programme! 😆 Yes, I think if you've any absorption problems (e.g. around B12D/PA) it's going to be a struggle getting levels up. Good luck! 😊

Nackapan profile image
Nackapan in reply toWwwdot

I've also found low ferritin gives low mood. B6 although caution is needed does help regulate hormones.

I wouid try and get a blood test to see if low in anything else .

I think perfectly natural to get tearful at times.

We've alot to be thankful for.

But also aloot to deal with with little or no explanation or understanding from our doctors .

My husbend had a low period .

He Injects insulin 4× a day.

Now does it like brushing teeth .

He used to be needle phobic and very Sqeamish .

Sometimes can be a release of stuff / fear you've moved on from ??

If it carries on seek help.

T C

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toNackapan

Nackpan wise and insightful words as usual. “release of stuff / fear” has hit a nerve but it’s stuff and fear and feelings I am running away from I think. I thought I had moved on but perhaps I just kept myself too busy for too long … Thank you.

Thrones12 profile image
Thrones12

I find that this self treatment and this disease is one of the loneliest and guiltiest things we can experience. No one understands how isolated we feel because it’s not an obvious affliction..people say to me but you look well! Yes maybe I do because I’m so used to hiding things,my family say to me fgs your always sick because I can’t look after their children while they go on their girly days or nights out,they don't get how unpredictable our days are so I refuse to commit to anything and anyway let them pay a child minder, it’s not as if they can’t afford it plus I’m in another county.

I rarely get a visit from them maybe once a year they live 45 mins drive away.. I find now if I wait till my husband is home and do my shot I can cope better but I doubt that needle fear will ever go, maybe if our medics would get off their arses and teach us how to do these s.i we wouldn’t feel so stressed and worried and guilty that we are harming ourselves I really do think that plays a huge part in it., I’m not confident and I’ve did hundreds of shots but if I’m honest I prefer that to pain and bruising at the surgery.. do you have somene who can sit and chat to you while your doing it,I find it does help me. Best of luck and sorry your feeling like this. Xx

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot

Oh Mr Peaccock - you are so right it is the lonliness and the guilt - guilt I have given this to my kids as they are both now on B12 patches and supplements after their blood tests. But their perspective is so different to mine as they dont understand the potential implications and I dont want to scare them about what may happen as I dont want them to worry about me. I dont think I could cope with anyone in the room as I SI as the stress levels are extreme even though I do all sorts of deep breathing and focussing etc. Thank you for your kindness.

Thrones12 profile image
Thrones12 in reply toWwwdot

I do wish I could help you more but how’s a virtual cuddle grab you lol just know people here care and would help if they could and maybe post what time you do your shot so we can think of you and will you on and you’ll know someone cares and supports you.. take care x

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toThrones12

oh MrPeaccock a virtual cuddle is wonderful as I am in so need of some TLC right now. I am so used to being the strong one , there for everyone else and people around me feel insecure when I wobble which makes me feel bad!!! Hence I wobble quietly. You are so kind. Thank you.

WIZARD6787 profile image
WIZARD6787

Hey Wwwdot, That sucks!

It is my belief that I do not cry for no reason. I do however believe I cry for reasons unknown to me.

When I was trying to help a person who was thinking of self injecting I started to write on the emotional aspects of self injecting. I did not get past it is wrong. It is wrong I have to inject against medical advice. It was too emotional for me to write about.

I find that when I increase the amount of my injection which is positive over time I go through a time where I can experience emotions that I could not before due to suffering. I had to grieve. It is disruptive and disconcerting at best.

Now grieving is my most valuable life skill other than loving. I cry as much and as often as I can. It is not that I do anything to make me able to cry rather I don't have a mindset that prevents me from being sad.

That is all I got which I know is all but nil.

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toWIZARD6787

Wizard. Beautifully profound as always. You are right crying for reasons unknown is far better a description than crying for no reason.

I hadn’t realised that there is a sense of loneliness until MrPeaccock pointed it out and it is scary being so vulnerable for the want of a vitamin yet to be cast out by the primary care system.

I suppose deep down there is a fear of “what if“ for my future as is the case for many of us here. It’s such a shock to go from no meds needed to “meds” needed every day to survive if I can get them and if I can administer them. Perhaps I am overthinking it too much and I need to learn to live in the now again as I used to before all this began…

Cobalt1312 profile image
Cobalt1312 in reply toWwwdot

Sounds like you need kindness and care, like all humans . You may not be treated with care and kindness (when you need it so much), but I believe it is your birthright and what was intended for you. I hope you can get some relief and comfort here from us, you surely deserve much, much more friend. Sending hugs 💗

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toCobalt1312

Cobalt what incredible kind words. I really didn’t expect so many soft and warm replies. I thought there would be facts and figures and data showing this and that … but actually you are right. I think the kindness and care has to start with me - I need to let those around me care for me more and accept their kind gestures instead of putting on a brave face or hiding away so they don’t see me struggling. Thank you again and I mirror everyones warm wishes and help. Hugs all round! Thank you. Thank you.

Delilahmy profile image
Delilahmy

hi Wwwdot… after about a year of SI … and I’m sure it is my saviour …. I have gone through many phases of change …. Mentallly physically cognitively and seem to have restored memories that seemed locked away …. Quite astounding on many levels … I am not free of symptoms that have been so debilitating but seems to be unravelling. I have become more tearful, more aware of situations around me and generally more ‘present’. I have wondered if sometimes my tearfulness has been a mix of all my emotions coming back to me … instead of being in that numbness …. Maybe a good thing to cry too xxx and letting go of some of the bad stuff…. I’m sure I have read somewhere there is a chemical benefit too …. Gentle hugs and here’s to waking up from the b12d nightmare…

Thankful for everyone here x

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toDelilahmy

Hi Delilahmy

Wow! So insightful and you are right. For about six years before my DX I was on autopilot - moving to Somerset while hubby stayed in old house in Wiltshire (circumstances only we are still together 🥰) looking after two teenagers who relocated school and all that had been familiar, self employed and the only bread winner, running a small holding too etc etc. I could not afford to give in to my emotions and I think it became easier as time went on.

I think you may be right that the B12 is recalibrating my emotions. I do feel less on autopilot now that’s very true. Like I have been prodded - ahh yes the daily jab 😂🤗

Delilahmy profile image
Delilahmy in reply toWwwdot

I think we keep pushing against the mud …. And when the mud starts to disappear we start swimming …. Getting a bit more able to move through it x here’s hoping anyway…. Maybe your tears are watering down that mud !!!!

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toDelilahmy

That's a beautiful and appropriate vision especially as I overlook the muddy Bristol Channel!

So meaningful as it gives comfort and positivity to tears that can feel very lonely and negative negative - thank you for sharing this insight.

Orchard33 profile image
Orchard33

I have just entered a period of depression. I understand it in several ways. I've just taken pressure off myself. I was trying to live as I had before I had the illness and I couldn't. I am not the same person now. It's been a long and hard journey. I'm exhausted by the illness and the mental/emotional toll it's taken.

PA itself creates anxiety and depression as a physiological process.

I now self-inject and no longer have to rely on the rigid and cruel implementation of the NICE protocol so cravenly adhered to by our medics. There is a huge relief in taking power back. Often it can be when I let go that I become depressed as part of the healing process. I'm also in the process of making the anger I feel more conscious which is so very important.

There is the grief I feel about the health I have lost and effect that has had for years and will continue to have in the future.

The emotional and mental cost of having a serious and inadequately treated illness is inestimable and very real. Add to that the grinding existential anxiety that comes with a serious illness, and depression for me is unavoidable.

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toOrchard33

Orchard my friend

You have put into words the core issue. “ I was trying to live as I had before I had the illness and I couldn't. I am not the same person now.” I think part of how I am feeling is the realisation that there is a new different me now. Not a me of choice. A me of compromise and reduction. As Wizard said a grief for what is lost but without the compassion that is usually associated and given with debilitating illnesses. Being outcast from the NHS is hard and lonely and scary on top of it all. Perhaps all this makes more sense of those tears. Hugs to all. It is much clearer now why this group is invaluable. Thank you ❤️🤗

Orchard33 profile image
Orchard33 in reply toWwwdot

So glad to help with this major adjustment. Warm wishes.

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toOrchard33

🤗

Delilahmy profile image
Delilahmy in reply toWwwdot

lovely post x

Delilahmy profile image
Delilahmy in reply toOrchard33

it’s so hard having this juggle on so many levels … energy family work emotions … debating what we can do and what we can’t …. How long to recover …. Trying to purge energy when we need it … thrn the payback… B12 has at least let me peak around the door again and step outside…. I was resigned to think being the recluse was my path. Thank god for this group and the knowledge I’ve gained

X

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toDelilahmy

well Delilahmy it goes to show just how important the correct information is to our wellbeing and recovery.

And ironically even though we have a potentially life threatening disease the least likely place to find help and support is our GPs and the NHS!

So this forum is of crucial importance to us. In your own time I hope you manage to do more than peak outside. There is a life awaiting us all and with the support of this group we can have the knowledge and courage to grab it.

Thank you for sharing.

Delilahmy profile image
Delilahmy in reply toWwwdot

Thankyou Wwwdot … in my story it ended that I lost my job with ill health and even though my work were patient and trying to work around my situation I couldn’t manage. My daughter is 36 and has 3 children and she’s in a terrible state with her health and pain and is now looking to help herself - thanks for taking the time to reply ..

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toDelilahmy

oh that is tragic and how awful for your daughter too. Does your daughter suffer with PA? No need to expand if it’s an invasive question. I wish we had a magic wand. I hope it all works out for you all. Big hug. 🤗

Delilahmy profile image
Delilahmy in reply toWwwdot

Thankyou Wwwdot no she hasn’t got a diagnosis and her doctors have not even tested her b12 since 2017 it appears when it was low(she thinks from memory it might have been 179). She has asked her surgery to test her b12 … it has not been done. Her diagnosis is Complex Regional Pain syndrome, Dystonia, Fibromyalgia, Trigeminal Neuralgia and non epileptic seizures. Her array of medication includes butrans patches, oromorph, carbamazepine and includes other anti sickness meds and more ….but her symptoms do follow b12d so it’s an Avenue we are going down …. I’m hoping she will join healthunlocked herself to share her journey but for now she’s just so unwell.

Thankyou again for helping x I do show her these comments and she’s grateful for all the responses - as I am too xx

Cherylclaire profile image
CherylclaireForum Support in reply toDelilahmy

When all of us here, struggling on alone with GPs, consultants etc, come together like this, it really helps. It seems ridiculous that we have to keep on amassing the same proof; the copies of medical guidelines, the research papers, the list of symptoms etc etc as individuals and repeating the same battles.

It seems so much worse than ridiculous that GPs do not look at family medical history - your daughter, Nackapan 's daughter, and so many others - clear enough for us here to see that the connection might save some valuable treatment/recovery time.

I have functional B12 deficiency, my immediate family has plenty of autoimmune conditions; Grave's disease, vitiligo, psoriasis etc. The next generation are dealing with autism too. There must be connections there.

Unfortunately, the DNA people could not find anything to help us. They were kind, dedicated and apologetic. It felt like the end of the line and that makes it disappointing - but for once I did not leave a consultation in tears/angry, just glad to have had that opportunity and sad for my family. We deserve answers, but for now must wait for the science to catch up. Research is the key.

My heart goes out to the next generation, as the search continues for answers.

We can't ride on the coat-tails of other research: long covid for example - not without an acknowledgement of the symptom similarities first. Or are we the only ones to see that ?

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toDelilahmy

Dear Delilahmy and daughter

I feel for you both as the pain I feel when my children suffer is hard to bear as must be yours. Have you considered a private B12 blood test - I understand that they are not hugely expensive and then to start self administration depending on the results? Both my children are on B12 and folic acid patches and I am hopeful they won’t need injections although ironically injecting is far cheaper than the patches. Here is a link to the patches suggested by the PA consultant.

abhealthandwellbeing.com/pr...

Please let us know how you get on - it’s so uplifting to be in this forum and to share experiences. Best of luck and hugs to you both 🤗🤗

Cherylclaire profile image
CherylclaireForum Support in reply toOrchard33

A period of mourning for loss of Old Self inevitable. Acceptance of that a bitter pill to swallow.

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toCherylclaire

Cherylclaire

You are right and it’s hard because with the ups and downs comes hope that the downs are a blip and that the ups are reality. But in fact it’s more the other way round.

It’s also cruel because the “passing” of the old you is so gradual that it lingers and so is still there but just out of reach.

I will need to give what you said some thought because there must be a self help tactic to move through this as “bereavement” as an analogy doesn’t quite fit although I accept the feelings are similar.

Thank you for sharing. 🤗

Cherylclaire profile image
CherylclaireForum Support in reply toWwwdot

Robbed ?

Felt anger.

Hard to know what is/isn't sympomatic .

Also hard to know how much is improvement and how much adaptation.

Think and then let me know. interested.

PhilAB profile image
PhilAB

I started to SI daily three years ago, and for 18 months I experienced what only could be described as a physical and mental attack like nothing I could believe was possible. Alongside SI I also changed to a purely organic diet and supplemented with the best I could find. PA and b12d is insidious especially if like me you been deficient for well ver twenty years. The neurological damage I have is high. Whilst I have healed a lot brain fog still Haunts me. This healing crisis will strengthen you, and don’t feel guilty about passing on PA. I think it’s more to do with other things than genes.

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toPhilAB

Hi Phil

Your post is encouraging as the specialist reckons about 20 years of deficit to get so low on key vitamins and minerals. 20 years ago I was put into an induced coma as a result of undiagnosed preeclampsia during childbirth- I was in intensive care for 4 days and finally got to see my son on day 5 who was in intensive care too. Suspicion is my PA was triggered by this experience.

As you say the brain fog and for me the bone pain is the worst and I hate constantly feeling painfully cold.

But that is still better than I was. At least I am awake and can get out of bed and be up doing things!

As you say PA is insidious and that is what we have to learn to cope with Big hug my friend as we all journey together. Thank you.

MorningMist profile image
MorningMist

I am amazed at the outpouring of emotions here, although I fully identify with all of them. It is natural not to want to been seen as negative, particularly as we age, about ourselves or the crazy world we live in, for fear of alienating others and being rejected.

I think so much gets suppressed as a result at great personal cost, but how wonderful to belong to an online community such as this, where you can be open and know that you are supported and someone, somewhere will feel exactly the same.

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toMorningMist

MorningMist

I am absolutely amazed too as like I said in my reply to Cobalt I was expecting facts and figures and research papers … but the warmth and kindness is staggering and incredible.

I know I will get through this and all this emotional support is priceless. I hadn’t realised how much I needed it and how fragile my mental recovery is. Thank you for joining in the conversation.

Delilahmy profile image
Delilahmy in reply toMorningMist

totally xxx so grateful for everyone here xx

LFKent profile image
LFKent

Hi Wwwdot. I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling low. I can certainly relate to what you are going through.

I've been SI ED for almost 5 yrs. In the early stages of self treatment my emotions were all over the place and not always under my control. During this time someone I knew sadly passed away before her time and I very much wanted to attend the funeral but was worried it would be too much. I left it until the day to decide and fortunately for me it was a good day. I was able to go to the funeral and pay my respects and although it was understandably sad the emotions I experienced were a normal reaction to the day and not the uncharacteristic emotions that had been visiting me - it felt distinctly different. Now, nearly five years into sufficient treatment I'm glad to say that my emotions have settled into what I would expect.

I very much hope that you are able to reach a place that is right for you and I wish you all the best in your journey.

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toLFKent

It’s tough dealing with emotional events, especially sad ones, when your emotions are already in tatters.

You did well to get through and out the other side. And yes, on reflection we are dealing with so many parallel issues that’s it’s easy to forget we are in fact doing very well having any emotions left given how utterly exhausting PA and recovery is!

I am early in this PA journey - only 6 months but some ways it feels far longer and I suppose the hard part is not really knowing how long the journey is. And it’s letting go of the not knowing and just accepting it’s a journey - a journey of life now - wherever that may lead. And walking that journey with optimism and with others in this group.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

Dilly_blue profile image
Dilly_blue

So sorry to hear you are feeling low. Has it just been over the last 2-3 weeks? I am SI (aiming for EOD, but frequently less often than that).

I wonder if you might have some sort of virus / bug? Over the last 3-4 weeks I have been completely exhausted (having to lie down in the afternoon, very unusual for me). I have also had some vague pains under my arms, and what feels like a slightly raised temperature. My children have also reported being / feeling unwell over the last few weeks as well. During this last few days I have had more energy, and the painful armpit areas have gone, so I suspect I have been busy fighting a virus / bug, which wiped me out a bit.

I wonder if this might be the same for you - do you have people in your household / friend circle that are currently unwell? As you are SI, it might mean that your body is successfully avoiding the worst symptoms of whatever illness it is, just leaving you with low mood / energy to deal with?

If so, perhaps just take extra care of yourself over the next week or two - lots of rest! Hope you feel better soon.

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toDilly_blue

Hi Dilly-blue

Thank you because your post made me think of something I hadn’t considered which in itself is a clue because I am normally a bit more switched on!

I do have close friends and family under the weather and it is possible that I am fighting a bug. But the low mood is around injection time and for a few hours afterwards so I think it’s more about coming to terms with and dealing with my new situation of having PA.

You are right though I do need to rest up more and thankfully May has lots of Bank Holidays. So I think some serious resting is on the agenda!

Thank you for taking the time to post.

EllaNore profile image
EllaNore

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I have researched depression and emotional issues and b12d because I suffer terribly from it. B12d can cause severe emotional issues. It can cause severe apathy where you feel like doing absolutely nothing. I used to be a very active very outgoing person with a very clear and level head. My life is dwindled down to just about nothing compared to who I was not long ago. I'm going to see a neurologist today for subacute combined degeneration. If you read about that, it is the combination between neurological and emotional issues due to b12d/PA. You might want to read about it. There's a lot of information out there explaining the psychiatric and emotional issues that B12 deficiency causes people. It's not all in your head. It seems to come in waves for me. And when outside influences pile on top of it, it can get pretty bad, emotionally. Good luck. I hope you feel better soon. Whoever I am now, is nothing like who I used to be. It is hard to accept and get used to.

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toEllaNore

Hi EllaNore

Thank you for your post. You are the first person to use the word “apathy” but it sums up beautifully how I sometimes feel. Only last week on a rare gloriously sunny day , I slept in bed not wanting to get up - I just couldn’t find the motivation to get out of bed! Ordinarily I would have been up at dawn and out gardening or walking or doing something till dusk. I felt terribly guilty for not making the most of the good weather.

This struck a cord “It's not all in your head. It seems to come in waves for me. And when outside influences pile on top of it, it can get pretty bad, emotionally. ” Because I had a bad day on Monday I felt really low and couldn’t sleep because I had everybody else’s problems they had shared with me going round in my head and I was so upset for them and that I couldn’t help Usually I would listen and help where I could but not get all het up and mentally exhausted and tangled in their problems to the extent I was dreaming of them!!

I will certainly look up the research you referenced because I have never experienced such mood swings and low mood before. It’s quite scary but it helps knowing there could be a logical explanation!

Thank you for sharing

EllaNore profile image
EllaNore in reply toWwwdot

Wwwdot, thank YOU for sharing. I'm really sorry you feel this way. And to not have the energy to listen to others problems and take them on is so hard. Sometimes I feel so selfish because I don't have the energy to worry about everybody else anymore, because I love everybody so much. Sometimes I just don't even have the energy to hold a conversation. I definitely have to choose my battles.

I know exactly what you mean about it being a beautiful sunny day and not feeling like doing anything. After a long winter, to finally have a beautiful sunny day, I thought I would spend all day outside in my yard, but I laid around instead. I too felt very guilty, like I wasted a beautiful day that I can never get back. So I know exactly what you're saying.

I've never experienced apathy before this. It's a very strange, scary, feeling.

I hope this feeling goes away for both of us and anybody else who suffers from it. I thought the B12 would help with all that. Especially doing it everyday or every other day. Maybe we just need more time. It's only been 11 months for me. A year since diagnosis and treatment as of next Month.

I had a neurologist appointment today to talk about subacute combined degeneration and just have a conversation with a neurologist to see what they know, and to see if they think this is my problem. And they didn't even know what it was. I had to tell them what it was again and they wrote it down. I really thought that a neurologist would know what I was talking about. And be able to tell me more about it. I guess there's nothing else I can do. I really don't know and there's nobody to ask.

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toEllaNore

EllaNore

I have been thinking of you. I hope your consultation was useful. I hope you have some energy to do something enjoyable for yourself. My “mirror” of life! Big hug. 🤗

EllaNore profile image
EllaNore in reply toWwwdot

That is so sweet wwwdot. Thank you very much and I wish the same for you. It is going to be 70 degrees and beautiful today. I got a new bird bath and the birds are singing and the Cardinals are everywhere. So I think a nice day outside in the garden or a drive with the dogs. I hope you get out and enjoy the day too. Big hugs right back to you. 🌷🦋🌷

Purplegirl2 profile image
Purplegirl2 in reply toEllaNore

wow I’ve never read anything more relatable than what you’ve said. It’s so true and it is such a scary aspect about PA. I thought for a while that my b12 deficiency was depression and now the symptoms are all so entwined that it’s hard for me to know what is PA and what is actually depression since they can occur together. I’ve had so many weekends over the past 5 months where I cannot get myself out of bed despite the nice weather, really despite anything going on. I have no energy whatsoever to get up(the fatigue is so heavy) and I’ll have no motivation to do so. It truly feels like all my body wants to do is lie in bed and I’ve lost my zest for life. I don’t have the energy or ability to care about the things I used to.

EllaNore profile image
EllaNore in reply toPurplegirl2

Purplegirl2, I am so sorry to hear you're suffering with apathy and depression. It really is a terrible part of this condition. And scary.

Do you find that pain plays a big part in your apathy, maybe muscle fatigue?

Before I was diagnosed with this, things were always blamed on depression. And the apathy started coming on slowly. I also lost my ability to be creative. I was a graphic designer, and I could not design a simple logo anymore.

Since diagnosed, it's been really hard to find the energy or the desire to be active. Plus there's so much to do around the house, that my energy's depleted just keeping up with my housework and shopping and things like that. If I vaccuum, I'm wiped out and need to sit for a while. For me pain and fatigue cause a lot of my apathy. Especially the pain in my feet. They hurt so bad I dread just getting up to go to the bathroom.

I have gotten back a lot of my creativity over the last 11 months because of the B12 injections though. I do see a big difference in that. I still struggle with the depression and apathy more than I would like.

I do find, if I force myself to get up and go out and do the things my brain wants to do but my body doesn't, I start feeling good and I do enjoy it. So once I'm up and out there and doing it I kind of get energized and I feel good about myself for doing it and doing it is good for me mentally and physically. I do get fatigued, and it's draining, but I'm proud of myself for forcing myself to do it.

I tell myself if I don't stay in motion I will lose the ability to move. Things in motion stay in motion they say. And I guess my fear of not being able to be mobile, is what drives me to force myself to be active.

Sending big hugs and understanding. Maybe, give yourself little challenges each day of things you want to do. 🌷

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toPurplegirl2

I am having one of those “body wants to lie in bed” but “ head wants to get up” days. Still in bed at 11.20 as I write this. Part of it is mentally not wanting to SI but I must as I didn’t yesterday and paid the price of fatigue last night and unable to hold a conversation. Slept well but still tired - still in recovery from yesterday. So my lesson to me is SI ED at the moment as that seems to be what my BODY needs. Best wishes to all. 🤗🤗

Twaddletop profile image
Twaddletop

Hey Dot you know is pessimistic is only an optimist with life experience😀

Seriously though, I think if you continue to feel tearful it might be worth speaking to your GP. There are many causes of mood fluctuations and it might be best to look a little more in depth.

I hope you feel better very soon x

EllaNore profile image
EllaNore in reply toTwaddletop

A pessimistic is only an optimist with life experience😀

Haha Good one twaddletop

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toTwaddletop

Twaddletop

Ha Ha! Good one.

The last person I wound ever speak to about low mood is my GP - the antidepressants would be in my hand before I reached the door!

Seriously though, these conversations with you guys over these last few days are helping me get a new perspective and to see how I can help myself. I really think it’s part of the bereavement process for the former me. I need to accept and live the now me. It will take time as she doesn’t match what’s in my head!

Thank you for posting.

MrJustatip profile image
MrJustatip

Of course, I don't know your whole situation, so you could have any problem, but here's what I have for you. I'm tempted to simply say it's a vitamin B12 deficiency, but I'll just tell you the short version of my story and let you decide.

1. I went to my Dr. (PCP), for a physical, and she ordered a lab test. While there I was explaining how fatigued I was. Labs came back and showed me to be deficient in folic acid. I also mentioned how my eyes are burning and she said, oh it's allergies and gave me some eye drops. She ordered folic acid tablets which I took for 3 months before learning that I actually had a B12 deficiency (folic acid deficiency masks a B12 deficiency). If you have a folic acid deficiency chances are you are B12 deficient.

Then one day at lunch my wife thought I was having either a stroke or nervous breakdown. I started to cry and could not catch my breath. She called 911 and the EMTs shortly arrived. I could not stop crying. I don't mean I was crying a little, it was as though I was just told someone close to me had just suddenly passed away. I was uncontrollably crying and could not stop it. When the EMTs arrived I began to cry even more. They told my wife it was probably a mental thing. I know now I was B12 deficient. If you look up B12 deficiency you will see that affecting your emotions is one of the symptoms you suffer if you lack enough B12. I knew something was severely wrong with me so I immediately began to research B12 def. Below are a few symptoms and facts I learned.

1 Forgetfulness (leading to dementia if becomes severe enough)

2 Dry, burning eyes

3 Problems catching your breath, specifically trying to take a deep breath

4 Problems controlling your emotions, or/and loss of patience, easily irritable, not feeling like your usual self

5 Nerve issues, such as back or leg pain similar to back spasms

There are many other symptoms, so you may want to research for yourself

Here are two books I bought from Amazon that will help clue you into what's happening

Good Luck and I hope I've helped a small bit, Mr. Just a Tip

Could it be B12 by Sally M. Pacholok, R.N., B.S.N. and Jeffrey J. Stuart, D.O. and also What You Need to Know About Pernicious Anaemia & Vitamin B12 Deficiency by Martyn Hooper MBE

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toMrJustatip

Thank you MrJustatip

That’s very interesting as I am severely B12, folic and Vit D deficient. I am told in terms of VutvD it could be a year before I return to an acceptable level. I experience 1, 4 and 5 of your symptoms list which is surprising as I am asthmatic but actually wondering if that’s a mis diagnosis but that’s another story. Symptom 4 is what I struggle with the most.

I have read Martyn hHoopers book but perhaps I need to revisit as that was at the diagnosis last Oct/Nov I have not ready Sally Pacholok’s book but I shall.

Fascinating insight and thank you for sharing.

WIZARD6787 profile image
WIZARD6787

This thread was helpful to me. When I started injecting IM I was desperate and getting worse. I was not really aware of how hard injecting IM was for me when I started although it got better.

I had in my head that when I got back to the USA I would do a trial of IM instead of SC. The thought of it is distressing. I did not internalize that.

This lead me to understanding I just like SC less. I still do not want to have to do it. Knowing that I have to go past the emotions each time I inject is helpful.

Purplegirl2 profile image
Purplegirl2 in reply toWIZARD6787

Just to clarify you find IM more beneficial than SC? Why is it that you prefer IM to SC?

WIZARD6787 profile image
WIZARD6787 in reply toPurplegirl2

My bad. I find SC to be much easier to deal with emotionally than IM. Pretty much less emotional energy is necessary. It would drain me to inject three times a day IM. I have found that frequency of administration to be important for me. I find injecting .5 mg hydroxocobalamin three times a day to be more effective than 1mg hydroxocobalamin twice a day and easier for me to accomplish.

.50 mg SC Hydroxocabalamin three times a day

5 mg SL liquid methylcobalamin/adenasolcobalamin 66%/33% three times a day at the same time as injections and extra as needed. (I can tell when my body would benefit from more B12 and the SL is easier to administer especially when not in my flat.

Pyridoxal-5-Phosphate 25 mg liquid in water twice a day.

“Simple Solution” 1 scoop in juice a day in lieu of B-complex.

Wwwdot profile image
Wwwdot in reply toWIZARD6787

Hi Wizard

I am going to follow your lead and spread my doses. I current inject 1500mg Hydroxocobalamin every morning and I feel so much better for it than EOD.

But I still get tired in the late afternoon. So I will try 750mg twice a day and see if there is any difference.

Question is I assume I remove and dispose of the old needle and put the syringe with the remaining B12 in the fridge for later - then allow to warm to body temp, new needle and voila!????

Thank you in advance I will keep you posted on the outcome 🤗

WIZARD6787 profile image
WIZARD6787 in reply toWwwdot

Good on you! Sorry I have no information on how to split up the ampules. I get 30 mg in a vial. From USA

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