Boxing Smart Pain

[Crystallmatters]

Got things really wrong today, it started out good, I was feeling good looking forward to the family coming, we were having Christmas Day, today as Emma my daughter is a nurse and worked yesterday, Daniel her future Husband was finishing his shift on the railways, Richie and Nettie As well Richie always good for a laugh .

I felt good helping prepare things , Pain creeping up , so first level of defence Gabapentin and delifenic meds , boost paracetamol . Now I don’t do sitting very well so maybe as pain not dropped instead gone up two notch’s Nettie opened the bubble wine and I have just consumed, then another, in my head ,I tell myself um not sure how this will pan out , only really interested in pain level holding , no up , up , Juliet brings in my Morphine 20mils , so look at it on the table the most important thing right now . I have been taught not to just take my medication but to wait 20mins to see if I can take an alternative, less or know it is there . I go for the bubbly wine , but no , it is almost if voices are telling me no no you know this is wrong, I am saying , it’s Christmas give me a break. I look and engage in everyone, Sound , Smell , Taste , Sight , Push down my knife into the parsnip , suddenly my Knee blasts upward , I let out a yell to try to stop it striking the table , a thousand volts just passed through me , everyone jumped. The pain is now everywhere, everything hurts my hands , feet , back , great come on baby give=me agony . I go for the morphine into the corner of my mouth under the tongue hold for ten seconds and swallow.

Glass grinding in my lower back going round like in a washing machine. I have an elephant behind me kicking me in the back and a crocodile with its teeth wrapped around my knee.

Yes I recognise what’s going on the alcohol is stopping my meds not working great, my brain is on overload. Every one asks me you ok , I answer yes all good , back in a minute. I go in the kitchen and think David you don’t need to suffer like this , I can feel my negative thoughts trying to get at me , I take my afternoon meds early and a little more and return to the table looking happy a smile , false , this is lovely us all here, I tell myself except you the demon of agony .

So here we are a few hours on , I had to retreat to my room / bed , sneak a few more meds , put on my ear phones and play Indian flute / drum meditation music and go into a new world , live mine behind . I put my Abbot Stimulator onto the feel programme put a lidocaine patch on my back , take a shot of morphine so I can rejoin my family. This is really Shi????- I struggle with my mental health thanks to my pain , I just want it to end . Fighting like a boxer who knows they cannot win the bout , I bow down with Compassion, This is the hardest thing ever , the Love you have for someone but you don’t want to be here anymore. I still have the beautiful music on in my ears lying on the sofa my amazing family playing games and letting me , knowing, I must now be left to fight in this ring until I can bring myself to the correct level of existence, fatigue just a small part of it .

I let the music flow into my pain waves , I visualise the neurons in my brain millions turning in space , slowing down their electric pulses . Gliding through space , everyone in the room light years away .

Tears of compassion run down my face , I am just lucky I can recognise what’s going on , I am breathing deeper , flexing stretching , extending my leg an hip acknowledging this all.

I know soon , I can engage my family again or if not . I have the pain under control again for now.

How silly of me to hoover the stairs before they arrived , it made me feel good at the time, 🕰️ another mistake in pacing . I try you are supposed to know how to help yourself but somehow when in a lot of pain you can’t expect to remember all.

Just don’t beat yourself up . I tell you all this because, I am sure , I am not alone on this journey through the jungle / dessert, falling off the mountain bouncing all the way down until with a thud you stop, my body smashed hurting , looking through the blood in my eyes. So I hope later , I hope tomorrow will be kinder, I must engage in things that make me smile, a hug a cuddle , watch a favourite Christmas movie.

I am leaving this here , I know you all not just understand but get it , for many of you from head to toe we all have different suffering and disabilities, one thing in common is that small word which just does not seem complex enough, well what is the answer , a million years on, 42 what no the answer is Pain . Great .

love to you all a glimpse from the mad thoughts of a pain survivor. Let tomorrow be different.

xxx David

[mutterley1]

You have my thoughts during this festive time-festive for those not suffering in an unforgiving pain. I have been through 8 invasive surgical procedures and popping a variety of tablets since 1990 when Sciatica first arrived. My 5th op gave me nothing apart from a severed left sciatic nerve creating below the knee left leg paralysis - impacted everything from my motorbike to the gas bills. I cannot condone the use of any alcohol on the tablets you mentioned. I also cannot condone the 'extras' you give yourself irrespective of the reasons you give yourself. Doing this is only confusing you and any GP worth his ticket would drill you down to medication for 7 days at a time as you are not certain what, how much or when you need whatever takes your fancy. GABA is a #1 drug for acting on the nerve path but adding more above a prescribed amount will accomplish nothing. The BMA/GP data ia clear that 3600mg/9 x 400mg tablets is a high ceiling which should be applied or you will only make the bad parts to become more resistant and so you will take more, maybe have a drink. You do not mention DIAZAPAM which is a 1st line medicine to help stop the nerves become activated.

MORPHINE is at the opposite end of the scale as only OROMORPH - morphine in a liquid form will do better as it hits directly rather than time taken by tabs/caps. 90% of medication for nerve related issues are highly addictive and I would be amazed if I could reduce but it usually comes at a price. You do not mention anything about surgeon intervention? I have a cousin, only 49 who has sciatica but has withdrawn into feeling sorry for himself and taking meds accordingly. ALL medications have a clinically recommended maximum above which no benefit is gained. For such issues you describe a major nerve or multiple nerves are at work- could be a disc, could be nerve ailment, could be stenosis, could be osteoarthritis NONE of which and more besides is going to get rid of your problems until the cause is clearly identified via an MRI scan. If you have not had this AND seen a specialist about the MRI results then you are not being treated correctly. The 'horses tail' at the base of the spine is the name for a large group of nerves that can cause problems past imagination but an MRI will give decisive results and if your GP is giving you GABA and Morphine it is not because you 'have a spot on the end of your nose'. I have suffered under several GP's and without their understanding and promises too put you on the right path to an MRI and whatever that tells the Consultants as MRI gives unbelievable clarity. TIME is of course a major factor but if you GP knows the 'state' you are in, the meds he signs off on then he is failing you and you need a face to face OR, as I have done, prepared a letter on my PC so you can read it and change it before the final version. If U are without a PC local libraries have all the facilities and only charge per printed sheet - get each one copied and start a file...boring as S..T but vital so you know who said what, when,,,,.. I do not want to come over as a goody goody because I am not and put my wife and 2 babies through the mill wheel with the pain BUT look outside the box for answers.....is the settee firm or soft and do you slump on any chair/sofa. Same applies to the bed mattress, simple exercises targeting those areas being fed the pain AND don't assume you knee pain is your knee as many nerves operate in tandem so a bad and painful knee could easily be due to another nerve somewhere else and this is very commonplace yet, again, it needs an MRI to find the cause and you have a right to be given one given the pain that can be felt coming from your post. PLEASE do NOT mix alcohol with strong drugs and opiates. If you do the word 'druggy' will be suitable and IF and I sincerely hope you do, get sorted through the right channels you will remain addicted and help from a GP will simply be....NO......you dont need anything now you back/knee/whatever is fixed. It might also help to have your BP and a DOPPLER - very easy if you have a local clinic etc. This is because, as my own case certifies, some blood vessels can be impacted along with the pain. I have worn a left leg COMPRESSION SOCK for years and it forces blood from your toes back up to your heart. If this is also compromised it will make the pain worse. I will go know and sorry if this is alarming or OTT but please don't drink with Morphine in particular and probably the others as well. Do a few notes to talk to the GP about as they give limited time and you can never be sure they have got the desperation within you...write a letter and spell it out point by point. I hope you get something from this, get well, dont drink alcohol with your tabs AND demand action in a firm but polite way as they are the doorway to the next vital step you clearly need and certainly need. Hope 2025 is your year to get pain free.

David (a.k.a sirmutterley)

[Crystallmatters in reply to mutterley1]

Hi , Thank you , you speak good old black and white, the way , I like it. Yes I have had First surgery just over twenty years ago , lost L5 back dropped , the surgeon pulled my back out and put rods either side and plates, with wires and bone graft. All was good until eight years later the rod came loose . It really was both painful and had to all come out. Nightmare the start of nerve problems. The bone graft was good and held. Large scar right across the belt line. Things were not the same , l4 was playing up trapping nerves, so the surgeon went in and inserted pinnacle screws to support and bone graft . After this was done it took three years of suffering with like knife blades stabbing me before a necular spec scan showed the screws in the wrong place , hence the stabbing, a different surgeon horrified at the scar and said sorry David you have been butchered. He went in removed the screws and used glue yo sure be back up. The right leg was bad , and started to waste. I was on a waiting list for a stimulator implant another year to go . John Radcliffe took a look , did some tests , said David we are going to fit the Abbot burst implant now and we believe it should stimulate the nerves in the leg four days later they fitted it and worked with. L

One week later my leg started coming back, and pain down .

Yes thing have got out of control , for some reason pain gone mad.

You are right for me alcohol does not mix switch .

Yes I am. seeing my pain specialist he is very good .

Thanks for your kind words David x

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[Triskele604]

Oh man, without going into all my comorbidities to compare I'll just say sorry you had that experience. I (WE) all know it too well. I just shared a similar post in FB as after the hols and today being my first day completely off with no TO DO list ... my body realised it was the time to force me to rest by completely crashing.

I'm sat on sofa with one of my fave chilled out YT channels on low and just resting.

Your post was fantastically entertaining. This is literally my first post on here after lurking for yrs. You approached (and described) your working through it in a way I do and yea it does suck and is a battle, but just trying to describe and put words to it in the most explicative of fashions is what also gets me through it.

I tend to try to -dissociate- the pain/ailment/disorder from the body by using analogies and names for it and that in itself somehow distances the pain just that little bit.

Well done you for doing what you need, how you need and consciously.

Xxxxx

[Acocoa]

Sending hugs 🫂 Alcohol and pain not a good combo. Rest and enjoy gently 🥰