WHY did I survive accident 33 years ago???

[Michelle420]

 Well...here I am awake again in the middle of the night. I do take sleep medicine but all too ofen.... excruciating 24/7 pain like tonight wakes me up. I have SO very physical lifelong injuries that are not going to get any better. That's not me being pessimistic.....it's being realistic.I will never be the way that I was 33 years ago in an accident that SHOULD have killed me . Witnesses thought that I was dead .Accident not my fault...not even driving. Wound up in a wheelchair and doctors said that I. might not ever walk a again. I thought to myself..."I don't think so" .After 5 day a week of grueling PT...I walked again....all the while going to school and getting straightA's. Then 5 yeas later ...I was involved in 2 more accidents....again not my fault.. Accidents exacerbated pre-existing injuries. To top it all off, I was in 3 fires. 3 is NOT my lucky number... neither is 6! I can't get rid of the old problems... I just keep getting new ones . I just do NOT not know why I survived that accident 33 years ago. I went to Catholic school K through 12th grade in a very strict Catholic family .I used to believe in God. Then started getting angry. Not just about what was happening to me...but my entire immediate family. Then I started doubtting if God existed. Now it seems I have lost all hope in believing in a higher power. I cry at commercials of sick children and abused animals . It jut isn'tright. I have come to the point in my life where I have met truly evil people. Nothing bad ever happens to themt .It's 'the good people that I have met that endure suffering .I just don'tunderstand .Makes absolutely no sense to me.My family doesn'tunderstand. The person that I get along with least whose always criticizing me...tells me not to live in the past. The problem is that what happened in my past STILL affects my present 24/7 and will affect my future forever on a daily basis. I would like to become more spiritual WITHOUT the beliefof God. Does anyone know now to do ?that??? Any thoughts welcome.Thank you.

[Madlegs1]

I'm so sorry to hear about all your woes.It's really tough to keep going in those circumstances.

Losing your faith is a further worsening situation.

I found help in studying Buddhist philosophy - it is more about living in the present, and understanding and acceptance that pain is just a part of all living.

It does not have a god -- so - noone to blame!😝

Just yourself and the practice of mindfulness.

There is plenty about Buddhism on the internet, if you feel it might help.

I would also suggest that you talk to someone proffessionally about your feelings - a good psychotherapist, if you can be recommended one by someone that you trust. I found this to be incredibly helpful ,when I was suffering bad stress after my own accident.

I wish you all the very best.

Good luck.

[Michelle420 in reply to Madlegs1]

Hello Madlegs1 !! Thank you for your reply. I greatly appreciate it. I know everyone has their own problems and I didn’t mean for my post to come off as just a complaint. I know others are suffering as well…some worse than me. I inadvertently left that part out of the post I see. Thank you 🙏 for the idea of Buddhism. I most definitely will look into that. I actually do not know why that thought didn’t come to me. My favorite Grandma believed in Buddhism. I idolized her. She passed almost 30 years ago. She was the “cool” Grandma!! She was so much fun. My friends couldn’t understand why I could get so excited about being with my Grandma. She wore the latest fashion. She was awesome 😎 to go clothes shopping with and just a genuine great person. You could not meet her and dislike her. I also never got along with my mother…still don’t. So, my Grandma was like a mother figure to me. My parents married young. I came along a year later when my Grandma was only in her 40’s. I was blessed growing up as far as grandparents went. Had 4 plus great-grandma. This Grandma I’m speaking about was just the worst one to lose first…and to pancreatic cancer. Anyway…so sorry. Went off on a tangent….if it was good enough for my Grandma…it’s good enough for me to at least try, anyway. What do I have to lose? Thanks again and have a great day!! 😊

[Madlegs1 in reply to Michelle420]

Good luck.

[Morathion]

Mate your situation sounds horrible. And the sad thing is you’re probably right about not necessarily having the possibility of getting better. You might well live a life with a lot of suffering in, like many of us here. Sadly though being in pain and suffering gives you more responsibilities than most because your life is not just important for you. Your family will probably be so proud of you for your achievements (congrats on all A’s lol), made all the more impressive by your condition as well. Even if on the surface it might seem like I’ve done less than my brother or am less independent my closest family and friends will know that your struggling in the face of near impossible odds, which makes it all the more inspiring. I personally have found it very rewarding to try and mentor younger friends with disabilities and try and show them that they can live a relatively normal life and certainly a good one. Even if it doesn’t feel like it all the time you’re doubtless important to so many around you who would miss you every day. I don’t know if their suffering would be equal to what you’re suffering by soldiering on with life but if anything that makes you all the more heroic; you’re shielding your friends and family from all that hurt, despite the immense cost to yourself.

I hope you can get to sleep tonight friend

[Michelle420 in reply to Morathion]

Hello Morathion!! Thank you so dearly for your post. It was so poetic and very beautiful that it made me cry 😢….happy tears, of course!! Thank you for the idea of mentoring younger disabled people. I’ve been trying to come up with some type of volunteering as I feel better even when I help someone a tiny bit. Of course, the benefits of volunteering are 2 sided….we both win.?Before my accident 33 years ago…besides getting A’s, I also did sports ( started gymnastics when I was 2!!) and others especially ice skating. Thought I would go to the Olympics!! Until some huge idiot knocked me down & chin hit ice 1st!! 11 stitches. Anyway…I also volunteered at nursing homes & soup kitchens. I was very independent since a little girl. When I had accident 33 years ago…,it took away all of my independence & control. That’s when depression started. I couldn’t do most of the things that I did before. Had to depend on others for everything. After the 3rd accident…my daily panic attacks started. That’s why I don’t drive anymore. I’m sorry to babble on. I hope that you have a lovely day!! 🌼

[Morathion in reply to Michelle420]

There is absolutely no need to thank me! I think most people here have been through tough times and knowing how lonely that feels makes it so important to reach out and tell people it’s ok!! Volunteering is an exceptional thing to do as you say it’s very rewarding and I’m glad you find enjoyment in it. That’s horrible with your accidents, I can’t say I understand fully but I wanted to join the army before my back worsened and it’s something horrible about having your opportunities and how you thought life might go quashed through simply bad luck. It feels as if someone has stolen something from you and you’ll never get it back. However I do know I certainly romanticise a lot of what would have happened without a disability and there’s no saying it wouldn’t have turned out worse without it!! Unlikely but possible I suppose. However having to reconsider your options and life choices does give a great chance to get to know yourself and have a good ponder. I know that doesn’t make up for disability but it’s better than nothing! I’m so sorry to hear about you losing your independence, I know I went through a stage in my life where my parents thought I would have to live with them or another full time carer but luckily I have managed through physio and painkillers to be able to live a relatively independent lifestyle. I really hope you find ways to assert your independence and freedom even if it’s in non traditional ways like art or literature. I’m also sorry about your panic attacks and I’m afraid all I can offer in that is my best wishes, panic attacks not being something I know much about.I really do hope you find meaning and purpose in your life. I don’t know if there is some divine plan as to why you survived but all you can do is make sure you enjoy what you can, as best you can.

All the best

Morathion

[Michelle420 in reply to Morathion]

Good morning 🌞 Morathion….or whatever time zone you reside!! I believe you’re correct in that most people on HU have been through very difficult times….even catastrophic. I joined HU due to suffering with daily panic attacks, GAD, PTSD & depression. I had no idea that I would “meet” other people with physical medical problems. I’m so glad that I’ve joined as it has definitely helped even though I am so new!! Just.because you can’t imagine exactly what I’ve been through, doesn’t mean what happened to you make it less significant. You planned on joining the Army & got derailed due to back issues. The end result is basically the same. You had your options taken away from you. I’m in US and you used the term “physio” ….. I’m assuming that is a physical therapist??? That’s why I’m guessing you’re not in the US. No need to tell me where you live. It’s none of my business. You stated you don’t suffer from panic attacks. They’re awful. Best way I’ve heard it described to someone not suffering from panic attacks is to try to imagine drowning in a rough ocean with your hands tied behind your back. As for my many injuries… I don’t know if a divine intervention exists…I went to Catholic school K ~ 12 & in a very Catholic family but I started to get mad at God after my 1st accident left me fighting for my life and in a wheelchair thinking I may never walk again. I proved those doctors wrong!! But the 2 additional accidents and being trapped in 3 fires….I just kept saying “why” ??!? And it wasn’t all about me either. Tragic things happened to my family. And those commercials where they show children get cancer or something as equally awful. And commercials with abused animals as well. It all breaks my heart ❤️ and makes me cry. I think that everyone has heard the quote “ Everything happens for a reason “ Well, I don’t personally believe that. So many bad ….even truly evil things happen for no reason whatsoever. These are most of the reason.s that I believe I’m an atheist . I never judge others….whether it’s religious beliefs, political nor sexual, etc. Others I can make a connection with but do not have all of the same beliefs as me….but we still can have other things in common., Anyway…I hope that your have a great day!! 😀

[Hidden]

Hi Michelle420, I think you are absolutely wonderful! The fact you've been through so many awful experiences and pain and are still looking to find a more positive outlook and way through life makes you very special. There are people everywhere who have had waaay less crap to deal with than you (and probably a huge number of us on here) who are mean and nasty because they THINK life is being cruel to them, but you just want to stay positive so that's awesome! I was going to say about Buddism too but Madlegs1 beat me to it. My brother married a woman from Vietnam a few years ago so she's Buddhist and she has taught me a lot and made me appreciate little things in life and appreciate the things I can do instead of thinking about the things I can't do anymore which I did all the time. It's all really knew to me and I'm still learning but it's all very positive. Well done for reaching out and I wish you all the best in your search for a more positive way through life.

[Michelle420 in reply to Hidden]

Hello Mazzmo!! OMG!! You are so kind that you made me cry 😢…,happy tears!! To say that I’m absolutely wonderful and special means the world to me!! I’m not used to hearing anything even close to that. I no longer have any friends because THEY couldn’t deal with my health problems!! My family never has anything nice to say to me or about me. I have to deal with one family member who always criticizes me for literally EVERYTHING. I can do no right. I AM looking into Buddhism. I have nothing to lose!! Thank you again for your kindness!! 😊 Based on things you said…I will leave you with a favorite quote that perhaps you’ve never heard. “ Whether you think you can or think you can’t..you’re right.” -Henry Ford Have a beautiful day, Mazzmo!! 🌺

[Hidden in reply to Michelle420]

Hi Michelle, I hope you're having not too bad a day and you're feeling a little more positive after all the good people here giving you a bit of positive input and a few ideas to try to help you out. It's awful that all your friends deserted you too because they can't handle your health/mobility problems, that's what happened to me to when I was between 21 and 23 years old and I had a rare brain tumour. I think that happens to lots of us but it's obviously a failing in their part not ours. I just hope they don't have health problems as they get older and find themselves alone too. It's fantastic that we can come on here and chat to people who totally get through so don't hesitate anytime in the future you need some support or even just a general chat to cheer you up. It actually helps a lot if us feel like we're doing something worthwhile too! I hope the rest of the weekend goes nicely for you and thankyou very much for you lovely reply and the cool quote, it's so true! So, take care Michelle and you have a beautiful day also. 💕

[Michelle420 in reply to Hidden]

Good morning 🌞 Mazzmo!! Yes…coming on HU …I’ve met some very kind, helpful people. Oh my goodness…a rare brain tumor? I’m so terribly sorry you had to endure that. It must have been truly awful. Are you okay now? That’s a perfect example of why I have come to doubt God in recent years. Not just because of my own issues, or my family. It’s children getting cancer…those commercials make me cry. I donate what I can & when. Also…abused animals commercials. No…none of these are right. I’m at the age…where I’ve met many people in my life. I have met truly evil people…especially one. She’s the devil incarnate. Nothing bad ever seems to happen to them. It’s good people like you & countless others that seem to suffer for no reason. Yes…including myself as I am a good person…always was. But did nothing to deserve any of the tragic things that have happened neither did you. Anyway…I’m glad that I have found this website. Thank you for everything, Mazzmo!! Have an awesome 😎 day

[Hidden]

I’m prying to my god you will have some peace, it must be so very hard for you, thinking of you xx

[Medical61]

As my old Mum used to say the reason good people suffer is they have been gifted the inner strength to overcome adversity. That’s why horrible narcissistic people who only see life from their perspective and are emotional pariahs tend to live charmed lives, as they could never cope with real pain or hardship. The Buddhists believe in this philosophy. A tough life also builds character and compassion and inspires others.