So so angry!!!

I hate this flippin illness and today I hate my body! And I'm angry with myself! Yesterday I spent a lovely hour.....only One Hour pottering in my garden which is the only pastime that brings me peace. I felt quite well yesterday! My hubby remarked but gently reminded me to not overdo it. Did I listen? No! Today I can barely move. Everything hurts and I mean everything! Why do I do this? Because I want some semblance of normality, I'm sick of these four walls and Im sick of feeling like a failure. I feel robbed!

RANT OVER......and breathe. Thank you for listening my new friends.


Jo x

22 Replies

  • Your feelings are so normal for anuone who has an illness or disability. You long for what you used to do. A life you used to have. It is like a bereavement and often so hard yo accept.

    Try it another way. So you can't do an hour pottering in the garden any more. But what can you do?

    Gardening is my main love and over 30 years had to change how and what I do. Mine for different reasons. But it does go back to pacing yourself.

    Maybe lots of sitting down places around the garden. In the greenhouse or under the shade of trees.

    I don't know what you were doing but obviously too much and I hate to right husband. Don't tell him though.

    Maybe think about raised bed where you can sit on a garden stool and weed or plant seeds. Even just for a few mins.

    Never think of yourself as a failure. You just do things differently to non pain sufferers.

    Pat x

  • Thank you Pat for your reply. I dosed myself up with painkillers had a bath and forced myself not to wallow in self pity. hubby took me to the garden centre for lunch.... I know how to live it up! next best thing to gardening and it really lifted my spirit. You are right about pacing I just find it difficult as when I feel reasonably well I want to cram as much in as I can! Silly I Know.


    Jo x

  • Oh how lovely. Garden centre and lunch! Two of my favourite past times. Haven't been near one this year so maybe a little nudge to him over there!

    Pacing yourself is pain management golden rule number one.

    Glad you have a nice time.

    Pat x

  • I had to check to see if I had written this ! So you are not alone.

    I'm going back to my Mindfulness programme. I stopped because I was in too much pain to do the mediations but my ability to cope emotionally has gone right down hill.

    Started again this morning and just tried to work with the pain

  • deejames, did you access this online the mindfullness I mean? I neerd to try to switch my brain off. I must stop watching midwifery programmes on tv as I always end up in tears missing my career so much! Think I'm still in denial. Someone asked me the other day what job I did and I said I'm a midwife then abruptly realised no I'm not anymore!

    Hope you feel better soon.

    gentle hugs

    Jo x

  • Must have been something in the air yesterday because I decided to weed my garden (only a small patch about 6ft x 3ft) but boy am I ever paying for it today!

  • sucks doesn't it? what I don't get is that the GP tells me exercise is vital with fibro but if it leaves you in agony what are you supposed to do?

    Hope your pain eases soon my lovely.

    Jo x

  • Oh it does! GP's and so called specialists make me so angry. They seem to diagnose fibromyalgia for everything now rather than look into other causes. I went to see a so called pain specialist after suffering for months with pain from discs out in my neck. When he asked me to describe my problems I started with "Well, I have discs out in my neck and the pain in my arm has become intolerable..." going on to describe how I went numb all below the waist 20 years ago and had discs out all the way up my spine. His reply?

    "How do you know that you have discs out?"

    Erm... MRI scans?

    What a knob! He then told me that my tiredness (due to waking in the night with pain), brain fog (due to said tiredness), mood swings (due to age and tiredness) and general pain, were all fibromyalgia and not slipped discs!

    I never went back and asked my GP to refer me to someone else, which he did and I now have nerve block injections six monthly, boy do they help!

    I find that any movement hurts, but you force yourself to do it don't you? Then of course if you overdo things, you're in agony! I haven't walked my dogs for over a week, until yesterday and now I'm in agony...but I will NOT give in! Not until I can't move at all... ;0)

    Take care xxx

  • JayneP I hear you loud and clear. When the rheumatologist diagnosed fibromyalgia he said single best thing I can do for myself is exercise. When I said it's so difficult to with cfs and back and leg pain his response was..... Well what do you want me to tell you then..You'll have to just get on with it.

    And that was seeing him privately!

    Thank God for this forum is all I can say!


    Jo x

  • 5 minutes of blissfully dirty hands - 2 hours of morphone top up

  • lol Oh yes and a tidy garden ;0) It hits you after about an hour doesn't it? The each movement has you shouting out in pain. Stupidly took the dogs to a local beauty spot yesterday and walked around the pond...OUCH! But hey, we're still alive and here to tell the tale eh?

  • I did a 5 min de weed this afternoon, it took a pain killer and an hour for my arms & hands to stop hurting, hopefully I'll be ok tomorrow as I have to go to work. :(

  • neversaynever I hope you feel better for work tomorrow. 5 min is nothing so poor you. Hugs

    jo x

  • I was the same the other day in the garden. Had a fab couple of hours pottering around. My husband came back from work and commented to take it easy don't be over doing it. I told him I'll probably regret it in the morning but I didn't care. I enjoyed those couple of hours feeling like me for a change. Yes I couldn't move in the morning but it felt good as I sat admiring the garden. We know our limits but we can remember how we use to live x

  • Nikki68 thank you for that. Yes it's nice to have those moments when you feel relatively well. X

  • Sorry to hear this Jo but you shouldn't feel angry, you should feel pleased because you had a normal day and got jobs done that you wanted, you should feel proud that you achieved this and use this day to be pampered and looked after because you deserve it. Are you taking pain killers and do you do any stretches before you start doing anything as this could help you for the day after. Take care and hope you have a good day tomorrow. I've had a good day and my hip seems to be totally rested now, I am taking 2 pain killers each day.

  • Wow Cath only two painkillers a day? Lucky you! ;0)

  • Well before my hip went, I never took anything (not one for tablets, always try and look for alternative oils/liquids at Holland/barratt if anything bu mainly eating healthily) because these hip replacements I had years ago, took away all pain and then I use to go the gym and swimming until I couldn't get from about last 7 years but always carried on working until it just went last week so I'm very lucky there. I believe that yoga, pilates, swimming and walking along with sunshine are the best medicines you can have. Hope you're ok and find relief

  • Hello again, Jo, Pat is right, you have to pace yourself and get some gardening equipment that makes it easier for you too. Also, what about going swimming after you do the gardening, this should do your muscles good and hopefully relax them ready so you won't be in pain the next day

  • Hi Cath yes I need to pace myself. I'm hoping to start swimming now weather bit warmer. Also the local me society have a yoga class for sufferers so will look it. It's a drop in so that's good in case I'm having a bad day.


    Jo xxx

  • Yoga would be great, they do stretch yoga as well as bikram (hot)yoga. I could never do yoga as my hips would not move but that's something I could never do before either, pilate's could be good too if you have trouble with yoga although you have to have a lot of patience with both as they take long time to be able to do them so don't give up and good luck as you sound like you've got a good plan there. I'm hoping to try and get hydrotherapy as my swimming with the physio's when the doctor rings me wed. afternoon.

  • Hi jo i felt exactly the same yesterday, even my feet were painfull to walk and ive never had this before. Sometimes the heat can make you swell up abit too. Its so frustrating not being able to do what you want but im like you. I do it anyway then have to pay the price. You need something to look forward too as the same four walls day in and day out makes you want to scream. X

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