One wonders why we bother, Keeping up appearances.

It's funny how much effort we put into looking our best and after many years of living with pain it's getting harder and harder , but why should we bother, I mean, what is the point ?.

Apart from the verbal language, there is the facial language, that we use to gage other peoples true feeling's about us, some of us place too much of our self worth into this, and so we go to great lengths to look our best by putting on a front.

I love woman watching, and people watching in general, and sadly I've watched myself disappear to others, no longer worth wondering about.

Well when I broke my back, I fought long and hard not to look like I had problems, I remember watching a bent forward old man, and saying to myself I would do everything to not look like this poor old man, Yes' Vanity , Vanity, all is Vanity, but is it all vanity, what if we are in fear of being, robbed ' or not being picked on, or cheated.

Well I was lucky I was not born disabled, and never had to worry about those thing's.

Also there is so much locked up in a person by the way he holds himself, I mean we all can tell a certain character by how they walk.

So much in recent times is so many decisions being made and judged by just how we walk, never was there a time in my life where so many judged me by how I get off a chair, never was there a time when all my worth was based on what look I have on my face as I walk, but the worst of all, is How much of a liar I am as I place one foot in front of my other, I even have grown men loudly Peep their horn to watch my reaction, I have had my car blocked in, just to watch my struggles, I've had a doctor offer me help as I got off my chair, only to have my arm yanked to the side as he watched my reaction.

I visited my family in Scotland, and (I was met and followed, by van loads of men sitting in cars and vans ) or walking in behind me as I struggled to look nonchalant in front of my family, after having not seeing them for 25 years.

Would you be a bit neurotic after all that, after nigh on ten years or so, or certainly be bloody angry at the very least.

But if you asked for a second opinion should you get it, you could ask to get away from all those men and women in vans and cars with certain attitudes , but I suspect their only getting started

[Hidden]

I never hid anything. I didn't see the point. Now though, I am sufficiently normal it's only those who know me know the pain I'm in, or those who have insight from being around others with pain.

Quite frankly, if you behave like a victim you will be treated like one. If you struggle to do things and refuse help when you clearly need it, you are setting yourself up for ridicule.

If my cars blocked in, I ask someone to move it for me. People like to help, and sometimes the gracious thing to do is accept it.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm sorry but I think your response is a bit short and dismissive of person who was posting about their personal appearances of,pain.

A lot of us have to pretend are okay for many reasons. Esp at work where we often have to put a front on.

[johnsmith in reply to Hidden]

Zanna is right. She is attempting to say what is needed to be sometimes said.

Sometimes it is more important to get someone to change their mind state than to allow them to wallow in it.

[Hidden in reply to johnsmith]

I don't think anybody should be accused of wallowing in it.

[johnsmith in reply to Hidden]

As a Buddhist following the Forest Thai tradition. This issue gets discussed at Dhamma talks. The monks have learnt as part of their training how you can wallow in certain emotions unless you are aware of it.

I have on occasion wallowed in emotion. There is nothing wrong with it it is as it it is. Its part of learning to be mindful of how we actually work emotion wise. Once we have skill in using mindfulness you can pick up the emotions that we are wallowing in at the time you are doing it and do something about it. It is a skill that thats time to learn.

Sometimes we do things on habit because we know no different and are totally unaware of what we are doing or why we are doing it. When someone points a habit out to us we are given the opportunity to change.

Some emotions do not do you much good to wallow in. It can be helpful to point this out at the right time and in the right manner and with the right skilful means. The right means and right time depends on the back ground knowledge and experience of the person you are speaking to.

Been doing mindfulness for 30 plus years.

Hope this helps

[Hidden in reply to johnsmith]

Thank you John for explaining it properly

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Was not meant to be dismissive. Merely pointing out if everyone was honest about their ability at work, levels of pain, then they might not get into the situation where they have no option but to leave. And the same for family. Why lie to them and pretend everything is ok when it's not. How are they ever going to understand if you don't ever discuss it?

Ask yourself who you are putting up appearances for - yourself or others. If it's you, then you need to seriously think about why you are doing it. If it's others, again why are you not telling them the truth? You are only hurting yourself in the longrun. It is the 21st century and Victorian values and stiff upper lips should remain back in history.

Wallowing in the misery of it all is part of the healing process, but you must move past that to heal yourself (coming to terms with it and accepting is healing). Many people donot get passed thjis and spend years of misery in a downward spiral, rather than find ways to mske life better.

Chronic pain does not stop you doing things, because you have pain whether you do things or not. The attitude towards the pain stops you. This attitude needs to change so you can live your life again. One change is to meet it face on and explain your difficulties to those who need to know. It is liberating.

[Hidden]

I am sorry I do not understand your post.Do you mean you are tormented by others because you walk in a particular way? X

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

This is exactly what I said - behave like a victim and you will be treated like a victim. It is not acceptable for others to ridicule anyone for any reason, but if you behave in a certain way, then you invite it. Bullies are very selective and only pick on the people they know will not retaliate or fight back, which brings ypu back to behave like a victim, you get treated like one.

Nobody bullies Stephen Hawkins. He has created a persona larger than life built on his disability and great mind. Yes, he has the edge on most of us, but we can all learn from him. He does not behave like a victim. Yet, if he had gone about aged 19 saying I'm going to be dead in 2 years (aged 19 that was his prognosis) I'm going to give up uni, I've got nothing to live for, I'm just going to be miserable for the next couple of years because I have an incurable disease, , can you see what I mean now? He didn't give in to it. He was never a victim. And neither should we. We are doing ourselves a great diservice if we live our lives as victims.

Yes, chronic pain is horrible, yes we would give anything not to have it. But we do have it, and nobody but ourselves can make our lives better, we just have to find a way that works for us. And that starts with acceptance and not lying about our pain or ability to anyone. It starts with being honest.

[mitziblue]

That's horrible to treat a person that way!!! You are right though, what really matters most is what's in our heart's not the shell covering it. Everyone should be thankful for there health as it's not a given that you will always have it. I hope people start treating you with the respect you deserve.!!! xxx Mitzi

[johnsmith]

Hi

I know how you feel. Been there on occasion. Fortunately I have an MRI scan which I can wave in front of people. I can talk about my chiropractor who I see on the NHS. I can talk about the T'ai Chi I do with the blessing of my GP. If I cannot move smoothly than I will be concerned. Thats what I tell them.

You are going to watch for your stress breakdown point. Go over that and it will take a long time to recover.

Watch for signs of lack of sleep. That can drive dodgy moods like you would not believe. I have found that when I get to the "what's the point stage" I need to sleep for an hour or so.

I have also get to "what's the point stage" when I get close to my stress breakdown point. This requires that I deal with the little stresses. The big stress is too big to handle. "Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves."

There is something known as the stress performance curve. The curve shows that when you go over a certain stress limit everything collapses.

I have long ago learnt that certain people are incapable of understanding the situation. I have to work to put as much distance from from them as possible. They are exhausting to deal with particularly the emotions they cause in me.

The worst are the vampires (someone who drains you of energy when you are in their presence). You have to watch for that.

I do Alexander Technique. If I cannot get out of a chair smoothly my Alexander Teacher will disown me.

Not sure if I judged it right. Hope this helps

[Hidden in reply to johnsmith]

Yes it certainly did, and you are correct about getting up smoothly, and unless you are in so much pain yourself then you can't understand fully, I don't know the names for certain muscles or nerves but I certainly come' or have came across them at some point over the years.

I am always amazed at how one little part of my arm and on my wrist can cause so much pain.

My point I tried to explain was if a doctor can't see where the pain emanates from, then I can point to a picture and show through it just exactly where my pain is, and if nothing shows up in correlation then I think there is something not right going on, because something so physical in my body, just must show some signs, but I'll wait till I have it in writing, and maybe he will say something that is useful , best John

[Hidden]

Dont let the xxxxxxxx get you down love x

[catzzz]

Alexander... We all need to feel good about ourselves, be it in clothing, new hair style or just keeping our pain mentally in check. An animals natural instinct is not to show its pain. Although it sounds like your a little more concerned about what others see and think of you. Myself... its a good day if I can get moving with in 30 min when I wake up... its a good day when i can fix my hair... its a great day when my husband tells me that I'm having a 'cute day'. and the flip side, its still a good day when i look like whatever warmed over, its a good day even when i can't open a bottle of water myself. The power of our minds control so very much of our well being. Negative thoughts are poison to our body, to anyone's body. Yes i keep my pain to myself, I keep up a good front but I also have no problem letting others know when I am tired or hurting. I really wish my biggest problem was from men or women ogling me.

My apologies to you for my abruptness, there are just so many other things to focus on that can bring harmony of some sort into play.