I feel the need to share with you all, as you are the only people who will actually get how i am feeling today.
When i was having treatment at the Christie hospital I met a young girl (I say young because she was my own age) She was called Louise, I struck up a conversation with her because we kept smiling at each other. Turned out that she lived about 10 mins away from me. She kept on saying she recognised Mark and she couldnt place where she had seen him before. Anyway as we chatted on it turned out that she was Marks sisters best friends niece and that the reason she recognised us was because we had met before at a function. We talked most of the day. She told me she had ovarian cancer but that it had spread to different places and that she had been battling for about 5 years. But boy did she look good shes very pretty. Its funny that after that day i never saw her at the Christie again. But I saw her aunite a lot whenever I went to Marks Sisters. she always said Louise had asked how i was doing and i always sent my love back to her.
About 10 mins ago i got a phone call from Julie ( Marks Sister) She rang to tell me that Louise is losing her fight and that last weds They said that she wouldn't last the week. She is still hanging on but it is only a matter of time. I am sat in my office (alone) crying as i write this blogg to you all. I am so angry that this god damn disease is destroying so many lives on a daily/hourly basis... I have a mixture of emotion of upset and anger and guilt..
Im upset for louise, Im angry that this awful sh***y disease is still winning. And the guilt comes from me being in remission, What makes me so special that someone as nice and decent and beautiful as Louise cant beat it but i can!!!! I cant make any sense of this. And at the moment i feel very sad and very alone with my mixed emotions.
Cyber hugs are so needed ladies.
Lots of love.
suzanne.. xxxxxxx
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suzannehadenough
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Hi Suzanne,
I am so sorry about your sad news, it seems that it is sad times at the moment, I am upset about Christine (pixinafix) it was such a shock because it came like a bolt out of nowhere, I have just posted a Tribute to Christine (I just felt the need to) it is a shock for all of us.
But the thing is Suzanne you are just as ...worthy, lovely and beautiful as you friend, and deserving of a good life too...thinking of you and sending you lots of love and best wishes x G x
I dont feel worthy at the moment Im angry at myself for not seeing her I kept meaning too. And I cannot comprehend this stupid bloody disease.. It makes no sense to me that good beautiful people lose their lives everyday... I have just seen the blogg about Christine. Your right it was a bolt out of the blue Im very sad today.
Well being angry is a part of grief and natural... we all have felt this way at some time or another... but none of us can turn the clock back...there are many "if only's" in our life... but we must pick ourselves up and move on..( I know it hurts) lots of love x G x
I know you know... but it is right to feel the way you do... sometimes a good cry does us good.... we all have bad days too... I am just sorry you are having one...perhaps a few smiley faces ???
I am so sorry to hear about your friend and I am sending you a big cyber hug. I am in tears as I write this because I know exactly how you feel. I felt really angry too when I lost my uncle (my mum's youngest brother aged 64) in December. He died 8 weeks after being diagnosed with advanced lung cancer. I felt really awful because I had my diagnosis of OC in May 2012 and am now in remission post chemotherapy and surgery.
Suzanne, we just have to remind ourselves that we are special people and we have to learn to love ourselves and do the best for ourselves. When I start feeling guilty I remind myself that there must be a reason that I am in remission and that I need to be around for my family and friends because I have a lot to still give to them.
I pray that you start feeling better and please look after yourself because you are very precious.
Im sorry for your loss. And im so happy that you are in remission too. Your right in all you say. I must have been given the chance to get through this for a reason. I never looked at it like that . Thank you for the hug i need it.
I was diagnosed way back in 2001 and was in remission for almost 9 years. I always said I was spared to look after my aged dad who lived with us from 2005 to 2007 when he sadly died at the age of 92. I am happy in the knowledge that his final years were in a happy loving home environment.
You might not find the reason for a while but there will be one.
My friend died on Wednesday evening she was with her loving mum and devoted husband . I know she is no longer suffering this awful evil disease, but she will be so sadly missed.
It seems a very sad day today, with the news about Christine, and your friend Louise. None of us can comprehend this dreadful disease, it has no sense or reason. All we can do is continue to fight on, look after and love ourselves, and keep fond memories of those who are not so fortunate,
Sending you hugs,
Ps I will look out for you when I have my check ups at the Christie, would be good to say hello in person!
It is so hard some days to wonder why we have to endure things like this when life isn't always the easiest thing to get through in the first place. Your right we have to fight on and keep our heads and hearts strong.
Thank you for your kind words.
It would be great to see you in person my next check up is 25th feb.
No am under Mr Hassan used to be Prof Jayson. On Rotterdam Regime at moment just had 2nd of first 3 overnights 3rd next Tuesday. Then two weeks off whoopee doo. Good Luck with your appointment too. xx
Good luck with everything Hilary. Take care and stay strong.
Lots of love
suzanne. xxx
Suzanne , I totally understand how you're feeling, especially the guilt. We can tell ourselves it's ridiculous but there it is. I just wish some of this research and all these trials would yield the results that would allow the medics to kick this disease right off the field.
Dear Suzanne, sending you lots of cyberhugs (((((((xxxxxxx)))))))
I am so sorry for this latest sadness. You're right, it is a merciless, senseless bloody disease. It is not fair. Hope you have got over your cry, it sometimes does us good though! Don't get the old survivor's guilt, it hits me sometimes too, I have had an easy time compared to some of us. It's all in the random nature of OC. It's good you're doing ok at the moment. Just try to get through this horrible time. Louise wouldn't want you to feel bad, I am sure.
Dear Suzanne, Big virtual hug coming your way from me. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but only time will do that. Just remember though, you're not alone. This site is excellent and full of wonderful women who understand exactly what you are going through. Take care xx
Thank you so much. I dont know what id do without you all..
Xxxx
Hi Suzanne
I know how you feel. My sister in law's friend passed away on Friday with this disease.. This lovely lady who only knew of me through my sister in law sent me a beautiful letter when I was diagnosed telling me how she had beaten breast cancer many years ago and that if I or my husband needed any support she would be there. I then met her for the first time at the end of 2010 at my mother in law's funeral. She had accompanied my sister in law for support. I told her how her letter had touched me and we spoke for quite a while. 5 weeks later I heard that she had been diagnosed with oc and I wrote to her. She had been battling all this time and finally lost her fight. I manage to keep my fears at the back of my mind most of the time, but hey, this is really scary, how this disease affects so many people. Lots of hugs coming your way.
Thinking of you and sending hugs abound ( ) and I just love what Samix posted on her blog earlier ... Keep your face to the Sunshine and look for the light in every situation ..we moved forward ..another day tomorrow .
I am so sorry to hear your news and of your loss.... Its always hard to hear when someone loses their fight, it feels like a dark cloud closing in... but we all have to keep on fighting until their comes a time when a 'cure' can be found...
Yes that dark cloud looms a lot lately, I know it it is the nature of the game with this awful disease. I pray every single day for a cure.
My friend passed away on wednesday evening. It so sad.
Love
Suzanne. xxx
As many virtual hugs as you like babe. It's a sad thing but no guilt should be felt on your part or any of ours. This is a nasty, random disease that takes us all as it finds us. Some have a little more, some a little less resistance. I am sure that Louise made the most of precious time as you do. Keep on crying because its part of being a compassionate person - but never for living on.
I am really upset about the lovely Christine but not entirely shocked. Christine had what I have which is ovarian CArcinosarcoma. Unfortunately this type of ovca has a mixed response to chemo. Two thirds of patients do not respond. Hence someone at an early stage like she had can go downhill fast and someone at a late stage can have a few good years. Its the sarcoma element of the tumour that puts a spanner in the works.
Suzanne, please dont suffer survivors guilt because you are every bit as worthy as anyone else. And there is clearly there is a purpose to you still being here.......
Thank you jackie.. Im so sorry you have that type oc. The pain i feel when i hear about anyone suffering this awful disease is getting worse.. I think its so unfair.
Loss is so hard and it makes us look at our own situation and wonder why and when, we face our own mortality and none of us are very good at that. Reading all the posts I have got upset as I am in steroid induced post chemo feeling sorry for myself day - ha ha, not good at doing faces like the lovely Gwyn always get them wrong so can't send any google eyed faces but Gwyns cheered me up too.
All our lives and journeys have purpose and lessons and having a good cry then picking ourselves up is what our current bit of our journey is all about. Don't be too sad for too long your friend wouldn't want that and you are a lovely, beautiful lady and have so much to give others remember that and smile.
I am so sorry to hear this, as Gwn says...bad news all round at the moment! It really does affect us all, as there but for the grace of God. You are one very beautiful and worthy lady, so don't forget that. I'm sure you made Louise very happy that day, and she obviously remembered you as you remembered her.
I have often wondered about ladies I met whilst on chemo last year, and the various ones I met whilst an inpatient. They helped to turn my life around from feeling so sorry for myself all the time, some of them were much worse of than me. I met a lovely lady called Patricia who had terminal liver cancer, she was always bright and happy and never felt sorry for herself. I sat next to her twice for chemo and wish I'd taken her mobile number and kept in touch.
I find it over whelming how when ever I go to a cancer appointment I always find the people so friendly so chatty and always willing to offer sympathy or advice. I have met some lovely people on this journey and i have massive respect for them all. I don't find it the same when i go to a general hospital appointment I look round and people are not as friendly at all Its strange how different it is. The explanation I have come up with Is that people who are touched by cancer look and view life so much differently to people who haven't been touched by cancer. I think we all look for the good in people and the good in life and it comes out in our personalities.
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