How should I feel

[michelle2]

Just come back from 3 month scan results. Thankfully showed no change which is good. Although needless to say I'm relieved, I'm not sure how I feel, scream, laugh, cry with relief, anger. Shout out loud. Such an odd feeling. I'm sure I will calm down, but feeling a bit pent up at the moment, Anyone else experienced this odd feeling?

[beckyh]

Yes most definitely. I have been in remission for nearly three years and I still feel exactly as you describe at each check up. I don't know if it will ever get any easier or if I will feel less anxious as more time passes. If this counts as a 'normal' response we are in the same camp!

You might find this article from the Guardian yesterday an interesting read:

m.guardian.co.uk/ms/p/gnm/o...

It usually takes me a few days to find my equilibrium again - usually with the help of a glass or three of wine. xx

[Hidden in reply to beckyh]

Thank you Becky for this link...hits he nail on the head love x G x

[Hidden in reply to beckyh]

Thanks for posting the link Becky. Hopefully there will be more and more acknowledgment of how difficult it is to get back to anything like normal, and the kind of support that some women in the US have will become available.

Monique x

[Whippit in reply to beckyh]

Thanks for posting up the article Becky. It was really interesting and supportive. The 2030 date for survival rates to reduce is somewhat over-cautious and very different from the views of Professors Hani Gabra at Imperial and Gerard Evans at Cambridge. Theirs was much more upbeat and hopeful for us. x

[Hidden in reply to Whippit]

I do agree with you Annie... Over-cautious indeed...I read recently that O.C. Is going to get the biggest rise in survival rates...well this is not difficult given that we are at the bottom of the scale now...I would have thought the only way to go is up ^ surely? And we are talking about twenty years time which means we won't be around to either see it or argue about it haha.

I agree though that we need support with the aftermath of cancer...too many people take the view that if you're in remission that you are better so get on with it..we all know this is not the case... xx

[Hidden]

Hi Michelle2,

This feeling is normal....mixed emotions...you have been through a massive shock with not much time to really think or analyse it ..and now all those feelings that you've probably suppressed are all coming to the fore all at the same time....and can you trust this good news you are thinking ...it is a very strange place to be...and most of us have been there you think things will never be normal again....but trust me it will get better....(but maybe not normal) we all understand this reaction...you don't feel like celebrating... but that's ok...neither did we...be kind to yourself and pamper yourself take your time...sending you my love and best wishes x G x

[Wiganw]

Me too after my ca125 results don't have scans. I always feel I should be happy but I don't because very inconclusive. Everyone around you can't understand why you are not excited and happy. I normally get back to normal after a couple of days.

Sharon

[ScardyCat40]

Thank you for this post you have just described how I feel and I always feel guilty for feeling this way

[Whippit]

Dear Michelle, You have described exactly what I feel but I don't feel guilty about it. I think it's because we have to prepare for the worst news and hope for the best. Somehow one ends up in the middle of the two in no man's land after a positive result. Yes I feel exactly the same - as though I can't get a grip of my emotions.

I can't really be euphoric about being given another 3 months all-clear when, after all, it's just 'business as usual'.

The article in the Guardian was really interesting but I don't feel I fit the 'norm'. It made me want to run around and shout - I've got cancer I'm NORMAL! I'm not sure I'd really benefit from a help group to intellectualise about living with cancer. I think I'm going to save that for when I'm dying with cancer which is when I'll start to worry about it.

xxx Annie

[Hidden in reply to Whippit]

Further to my remark (above) for support after cancer..I get your point about a help group to intellectualise about living with cancer...even with the worse prognosis I didn't feel the need to intellectualise it..so it doesn't do it for me either..however I do see the need to educate others (who haven't had cancer) perhaps even enforce this education.. haha..(only kidding) there does seem to be a lack of understanding not only to the layman but even in the medical profession on this xx

[wendydee]

Hi Michelle

I always felt this way, sort of distanced and removed from it all. I suppose it's a way of protecting myself in case of bad news. My husband always expected a 'Whooooop, Whooooooop!' sort of reaction, which I tried to act out a bit. It's odd though. I thought it was just me. Thanks for all the answers

I found it calmed down a bit when the check-ups stopped. I now sit on a 'survivorship' group and it's just beginning to get to grips with a different type of support for those who are OK.........so far. It's funded by Macmillan, there is stuff on their site about the issue. The Guardian article is very good. Thanks!

Love Wendy xx

[Hidden]

Hi Michelle

Thank you for posting this. Like Wendy I too act out how happy I am each time I go for my checks (2 years remission). I am still not sure how they can tell if things are creeping back just by feeling your stomach and asking how you are feeling. I have friends and family who I have to text the news to when I leave the hospital but I feel such a fraud saying everything is ok. I don't think things will ever be 'ok' again for me. Only yesterday at work one of my colleagues was asking how I was and we got talking about my op etc and I was pulled to one side by one of my other colleagues and told not to talk about it because it was upsetting her!! and the worse thing was I apologised!! (I must add she was not upset for me)

Take care and I hope you are feeling a bit better today

Chris x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi Chris,

I know they can't tell when things are back (my oncologist certainly didn't with me) it was over a year before he gave any credence to my symptoms..the good news is (or bad) that you will know yourself.. I did...but was too soft to make a fuss..next time ... and I am assured there will be a next time (by my Oncologist)..I shall make a fuss...it actually wasn't untill my GP gave me a ca125 test (twice) that he took notice that I may have a recurrence...but even then said "there is probably no need but I'll send you for a scan" if he hadn't said that at that point I would have insisted on a scan.. now they are talking about cutting the three month checkups to six months.. what next? ...I told him "no scans, no blood tests, now no examinations what is there left? " to which he replied " it is thought three monthly examinations doesn't prolong life" What??? ladies beware.. we are being conned...he has now conceded to see me in four months instead..without scaremongering you need to be vigilante and look out for yourself this is one thing that O.C. has taught me.

I think by the way it is disgraceful that you felt the need to apologise and your colleague should be glad that you are raising her awareness of this dreadful disease.

Love x G x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi Gwyn

I've just gone to 6 monthly checks however, I have also been seeing the gynaecologist as well every 6 months since my operation even though the oncologist said there was no need. However, I figure the more people I have checking me the better.

As for my sad, moody work colleague.......she's not worth another thought.

Love Chris x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi Chris,

Have you read my poem? Inspired by your comment...titled "Feelings in Remission" cheers x G x

By the way I wasn't happy because I am only nine months in remission ( after a recurrence) I do think they are cutting back..I asked him if I was in a better position now than I was in the first remission he said no your disease is progressive and it is not going to go away...(nice)

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Good beside manner then???? Sounds like the first oncologist I saw at the beginning. Said I'd be lucky to get 5 years. My oncologist was on maternity leave. I'm pleased to say she is more optomistic.

Chris x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Haha.. Chris he gave me a year from last August but like I said he didn't think I would go in remission... talk about a roller coaster xx

[Whippit in reply to Hidden]

Wow Chris! I'm speechless to think that someone at work told you NOT TO TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT UPSET HER !!!! Sorry about all the exclamation marks and rude caps but I'm just reeling with shock. How dare she. Now you're seeing the real 'me'!

I'm sure you apologised just to be conciliatory and perhaps because you were so shocked you couldn't think of anything else to say.

Gwyn is right - there does need to be some education offered - and I think it should start in your place of work.

Loads of love xxxx

[Hidden in reply to Whippit]

You're right I didn't know what to say. Unfortunately this particular colleague is a bit of a bully and when she's in a mood the whole office knows about it. So I guess it wasn't personal.

Love Chris x x

[Whippit in reply to Hidden]

Actually, that's no excuse and the manager of the office should be dealing with this. I'm still reeling.

I miss the office. I started garden leave on 1 August and officially leave on 31 Jan. There are as many joys as frustrations.

Good for you for continuing to work. I think it's the best route if you can.

xxx Annie

[Hidden in reply to Whippit]

Hi Annie

Unfortunately she's not much better. What is it with these moody women?? Only do 2 day's a week so can walk away from it. Sorry to hear you have to leave. Not much fun when it's not our choice is it?

Take care x x

[Whippit in reply to Hidden]

Well, I'm in a fortunate situation so leaving isn't a problem even though it wasn't my choice. I'm still in regular touch with a lot of friends/colleages from work and now I'm more than pleased to have left.

I'm sorry you don't have more support from work. My colleagues had a cake sale in aid of Ovacome. We raised £130 or so. It's a shame your colleague doesn't want to listen. She, or her closest, may well be victims of this insidious disease.

Love Annie xx

[angelina]

Hi Michelle

Just read the article and how true it is. I finished my chemo at the end of May

and all my friends and 3 sister in laws think - that is it now - everythings back to

normal !!!. Maybe for them but difficult for me at the moment.

I think it will take time to get the old me back - but don't know how long that

will take. I think maybe there should be something like a rehab group for those

who need to attend for extra help if needed.

Take Care and my best wishes

Angie xx

[Hidden in reply to angelina]

Hi Angie,

My point exactly...I think the public in general need educating on this..it is they that need the rehab group (compulsory) people have no idea have they ? your normal and their normal is not the same....this is a very lonely path we are on...this is why this site is invaluable to us...we understand love x G x

[Whippit in reply to Hidden]

yes, yes yes. Gwyn you are so right. It is the others who need the rehab because it is they who make us feel different and as though we've lost something.

[daisycandoit]

Hi Michelle, I am just the same, it is hard to stay positive all the time, my onc says I cannot be cured it will always come back so it feeels like living under a guillotine blade, I try to put my head in the sand most of the time and act as normal so all my friends think I am well now! love Diane xxx

[michelle2]

Ladies, thank you so much for your comments, it helps greatly to know you know how I feel. I've calmed down a little today, a trip to the pub helped. I totally agree with the support group and have in fact set one up in the East Herts area as a ladies lunchtime club, if you want to have a look its brafternoon.co.uk . We are hoping to have more groups up and running soon.

Here's to the new me for the next 3 months at least and to all you wonderful girls.

[Whippit in reply to michelle2]

Dear Michelle - I'm really impressed at your Brafternoon Club - and the incredibly professional website. What an amazing thing to do. I had a chat to the Cancer Nurse at my local hospital to see what she thought about some sort of group and she seemed to welcome the idea.

I'll be looking at your site for some ideas. Bra - fternoon - that did make me laugh.

xx

[michelle2]

Hi Whippit

Thanks for your lovely comments, I'm sure if you want to spread the word of Brafternoon or set up a Brafternoon group in your area, Anita Gray would love to hear from you. Details on the website.

[Whippit in reply to michelle2]

Dear Michelle - I'll take a look and contact Anita Grey. We have another member in the area and we could make a start on a Brafternoon group.

xxx Annie