emotions during chemo

[Elifebru]

hi all, I am on the paclitaxel Carboplatin regimen for stage 2A clear cell ovarian, after optimal surgery. I am physically tolerating the chemo well after 2 sessions, though I feel so irritable, angry, intolerant especially during the few days after the chemo. I feel horrible for being so impatient with my kids (ages 11 & 7). Anyone else experienced the chemo rage? Feel so rubbish and guilty.

[Le-gra143]

hi elifebru

I’ve just done one of those

Wasn’t it tough the first week

I’m in week 2 now and bone pain gone and I’m happy. It’s not a easy ride and your kids are young

My youngest is 17 , it’s so much to contend with and you are bound to go through a variation of emotions have you supports elsewhere , I started counselling after my surgery and I am glad I did the process is ever changing and my emotions are too. She told me to get a book and write it all down even the hard parts. It’s not just a physical catch up we have to endure it’s also emotional and mental. When u are not feeling agitated and impatient explain why you were to them I’m sure they are going through it too but talking it out helps

How was your first infusion

I had a bad reaction but grateful it all worked out

Marie

[Elifebru in reply to Le-gra143]

Marie thank you, it helps so much to hear someone going through similar and being heard 🙏🏼 I took 2 sessions so far, day 3-5 I find are the hardest, mainly fatigue and just intolerant. Then it improves. I also had an allergic reaction with the first infusion which was sorted out pretty quickly. Kids are just kids I guess, yet regular misbehaviour just pushes my buttons so easily. Will talk to my counsellor on Wednesday, and I like the idea of writing down emotions. Thank you. Stay strong. It is an unpleasant tunnel but we will come out the other end. Sending love xx

[Le-gra143 in reply to Elifebru]

hi elifebru

I found the injection for the white cell booster the worst I didn’t have strong enough pain killers

I thought she had said tylenol but she had said tramodol and in my confusion thought I had them at home

I had band bone pain for 2 days

I go my own doctor to fax over some to my chemist but so bad I actually went down in the car with my husband so I could take 2 tablets stairght away

I understand the misbehaving my 17 seems to not hear me when I say can you hoover the stairs

Nothing worse than waiting for someone to clean something when I know I would have done it 10 times by the time he has done it

You had reaction too it was so scary one minute I was happpy out then I felt I couldn’t catch my breath then they rushing in and giving me steroids etc

They are very good up there (I’m in Ireland)

I will be watching out for you on here elifebru

Thank you for your reply and best of wishes to you x

[Bananasmoothie]

Joining the teal club none of us want to join & having major surgery would be enough to give anyone periods of rage and intolerance. The chemo on top of that makes me wonder how any of us get through emotionally and mentally intact. But we do, and so will you. We're here for you. Hang in there. Hugs x

[Elifebru in reply to Bananasmoothie]

this 💜🙏🏼 x

[Saintgermain]

i did experience a touch of it attributed to the steroids that I took for 3 days after it can also be from the pre chemo bag to counter all the side effects it’s also a very stressful journey alot to wrap one’s head around it does get easier.

[Elifebru in reply to Saintgermain]

thank you 🙏🏼 you are tight steroids have something to do with it. Day 6 was yesterday and the rage was gone. I was again full of love and patience with the kids. Your support means a lot. Wishing all the best.

[Saintgermain in reply to Elifebru]

We're here for you I'm in the states this is a great support forum steroids can make you really off for me it almost felt like PMS x 50! A Friend of mine actually got upset with me it was the day after treatment I was off unless someone is going thru this journey its very hard for them to understand not their fault like another Sister mentioned I also went thru my Cancer center for some sessions of counseling it really helped as they are versed in our journey. It does get better you've got this!

[monkeytwo]

Hi Elifebru

I too have Clear Cell and had the same chemo as you and am now on weekly Taxol. I get very angry sometimes and feel guilty when I snap. However I can't seem to stop myself from doing it again! I see you too are at a younger age and wonder if the fact that we were instantly thrown into an early menopause rather than gradually like some of the older ladies may have something to do with it . On top of all the chemicals in the chemo it can't be a great combination.

Love

xx

[Elifebru in reply to monkeytwo]

exactly! I hate the rage. It is out of character for me yet I can’t stop it during those few days. I was very close to being in full menopause before the surgery (the chemo I took at 29 yo -17 years ago- pulled the menopause sooner) , yet the surgery finished off all the remaining hormones obviously. Hard journey, yet I am happy to not be in it alone. So grateful for your support xx

[Bettyxxx]

I suspect its the steroids i had similar here is what it says on side effects

‘rapid mood swings and mood changes – becoming aggressive, irritable and short-tempered with people.’

My advice is give it a name and own it say mummy is on grumpy tablets it they are helping me get better and they will soon be gone. Dont feel guilty it cant be helped. It may be worth asking your team if there is any alternative or lower dose?

You are nearly half way now and it will soon be done xxx

Love Diane

[Elifebru in reply to Bettyxxx]

love the mummy on grumpy tablets- will use that one for sure! I will Definetely mention to the oncologist maybe she can help. Day 6 and it is completely gone- just like that! Like I was taken over by raging aliens for a few days. Thank you for sharing xx wishing all the best.

[Peony13]

Hello Elifebru,

I had exactly this. I thought it was the steroids and mentioned it to my oncologist as it was pretty extreme, but she didn’t think steroids would cause such rage. I remember being on an incredibly short fuse and being very snappy with my family (my kids are 11 and 12) one moment and then crying the next. I think it’s partly the way your body responds to the chemicals, but also the strength of emotion you feel about having the disease. I too was 46 when diagnosed. I felt a lot of sadness and guilt towards my kids as I did not have the energy I thought I needed to parent them properly during chemo. I was referred to counselling at UCLH and had a really sensitive, brilliant counsellor who helped me through this period. I think it’s also very important to find a few ways to self soothe, whether it’s walking, reading, a bath. I started yoga and found that really helped to create some calm in my life. It won’t last forever and the rage does subside post chemo. Sending lots of love and calming vibes x

[Elifebru in reply to Peony13]

I got teary reading this, thank you. Saw myself in what you wrote, having young kids and not being the same caregiver to them especially on days after chemo. Thank you for sharing; means so much not to walk it alone xx

[Riverflo]

Hi Elifebru,

Is it possible that your kids are also behaving differently, if they know you are sick? It could be that it's scary which could cause them fear, anger, resentment, making it trickier to parent them. I can't imagine having to negotiate that emotional minefield when you have your own grief to deal with.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Martine xxx

[Leniko]

most of these drugs come with accompanying steroids. I found that for a few days after chemo, I would get some roid- rage. . Every little thing my husband did drove me Crazy. I was sweaty, impatient, and ate like a football player. I just didn’t feel very good about myself and it came through in my actions. Just try to remember it’s drug-related and not the “ core “ you.

[AuntyOrange]

Hi. It's an emotional rollercoaster isn't it but you're not going to be on it forever. It's important to remember that everyone around you is suffering too. They don't know what you're going through but neither do you know how this if affecting them. Talk to them & explain that the illness & the treatment can make you angry sometimes but you still LOVE them even when you're on the "grumpy" pills. Ask them for hugs. xxxx

[Elifebru in reply to AuntyOrange]

Thank you; this helps a lot. I think I will approach those days differently now thanks to all the help and support I am getting from you and everyone on here. Sending love xx

[Jennifer1959]

Hello Elifebru - I am so sorry that you are going through this tough time. What a journey we are all on! I hope today, you are feeling a bit better. I thought I would reply as I totally identify with your chemo rage. I have struggled with my diagnosis since Feb - (mucinous ovarian cancer and radical hysterectomy in March) . To say the road has been bumpy is the biggest understatement. My daughter and I had a huge row after my second round of chemotherapy. It came from nowhere and I felt so much rage. She was equally upset and responded accordingly. It was extremely distressing for me as the last thing I want to be doing is hurting my loved ones as they are also hurting and worrying about me! I hadn't realised that I was getting this build up of emotion - it came from nowhere as I say. I am more alert to this now and make a point of noticing my feelings throughout the day and I take myself off if I need to. that said, its hard to do with little one's that you are caring for! But they are old enough to understand perhaps that mum needs a bit of space now and again or book some time in for yourself when they are at school? It must be really tough looking after children/home etc and going through what you are going through. My side effects do state to look out for mood changes, so maybe mention this to your SCN - who can provide you with some support and advice perhaps. Let people help you if there are offers of help. Notice how you feel and make sure you do something for you everyday - even if it is just one small thing. Know that there are lots of us on here to have a rant to if you need to and provide you with some support. Warmest of hugs sent your way x

[Elifebru in reply to Jennifer1959]

aww your message had me in grateful tears. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I am so glad I joined this platform. I will be talking to the kids more about my condition and also to my therapist today. I feel so much better this week. Day 3-6 are hardest in mood, although thankfully I don’t have bad side effects (except for fatigue). I have started to frame it as ‘chemicals taking over’ and the rage state not being the ‘actual me’, and that helps with the guilt. All really thanks to you and the wonderful people here, as well as my family and friends. I am here for you too. This is tough for all of us, but this too shall pass. Sending love and gratitude xx

[SopSinger]

As others say, it's those horrible steroids! They can do a number on you in so many ways. They disrupted my sleep and my oncologist recommended taking them first thing in the morning to avoid that. Could you try that too? Sending hugs!

[Leniko]

Yes. Are you on steroids? They made me irritable. Just Breathe when you feel the urge to Rage. It helped me refocus.