Oh hell give me a break.

[fendweller]

Hi I'm new ,I've been coping well for six months ,positive and hopeful ,but suddenly after my sixth cycle of chemo I've all but given up ,turned into psycho bitch from hell to my husband , crying all the time , lost interest in everything ,to exhausted to bother ,keep hoping it will pass ,scan on Saturday ,thinking the worst all ready ,HELP! I want a life back .

[Katmal-UK]

Hi. Welcome to the forum. I think all of us who have been thru what we have knows what you are feeling! Chemo is tough and cumulative so as the cycles go on you tend to feel rougher, more emotional etc. It will pass..... give yrself the ok to feel like a bitch.... to have a cry...all perfectly normal. Ive been thru it 3 times... good news is it will pass... you will feel 'normal' again. Sending you a big hug, do let us know how yr scan goes. Oh and feel free to rant here... we are hear to listen... prob heard it all before and had a few rants ourselves!! Im sure I have xx Kathy xx

[fendweller in reply to Katmal-UK]

Thank you so much Katmal_UK ,didn't expect to get a rely so soon , I wouldn't wish this on anyone ,but helps to know it's not just me ,I will take your advice and just go with it .

[Cynthia18]

I'm sorry that your having to go through this! Everything your feeling is completely normal in our condition.we are strong to go through this battle from hell.but...we are human and can only take so much before we have an explosion or break down! I searched for a councilor and sych dr to give me meds to help with my emotions.as treatments get closer to the end my dr warned me that I would feel worse.listen to your body...rest when you can.you need it.maybe also get your husband help to deal with all this.its very hard on our partners/caretakers.

Remember...the best part of the future is that it comes one day at a time

[fendweller in reply to Cynthia18]

Thank you ,knowing it's not just me that's feeling like this helps ,thought I was being a whimp ,my husband has been great ,taking over the things I can't do ,and tolerating my moods ,but it got to him last week and he was very withdrawn ,but we did talk about it and we are both improving ,this had taken away everything we enjoyed doing together, so I guess we're both grieving for our old life ,like you said its one day at a time .

[Caroles1]

We have all been like this! I don’t know what we all thought we would be like considering all we have been through.

I can be such a bitch almost 5 years out, because it messes with our heads, we never know if we will re occur and I don’t suffer fools gladly when they are werriting about a cold.

I make no excuses, I sound like a bitch (I’m not), I am also fed up with all the checks and the going on it involves, just want my life back🙄

It can be hardest on our loved ones and the best stay the distance, but sometimes we have to do light hearted things to lighten the load.

I encourage my other half to see his friends/play golf/ go to football as much as possible.It gives both of us a break, then we do stuff together as well.

It can be hard on them, but we are the ones going through it all,

Love Carole xx

[fendweller in reply to Caroles1]

Thank you for that Carol ,its only people that have been through it that really understand ,I've only done six months ,so still learning ,like you I encourage my husband to do things on his own and we do things together ,but it all seems a bit pathetic compared to what we used to do ,but who knows if I have a break from chemo I may get a bit of strength and energy back after a while ,thank you for your help .x

[doodoolatrice]

Bless you, I can relate totally as I turned into that person the day my eldest got his GCSE results. His results weren't as good as we hoped (he didn't put the work in) but when he held his hands up and said "I don't know what happened there" as if to say "what went wrong" I totally lost it and turned into a physcho and hubby had to take him out for the rest of the day for his own safety, ha, ha. Thankfully he's now redeemed himself and has found his path and is doing very well for himself in the RAF. My physcho episode was totally out of character for me and I'm not proud of what I did but cancer sucks mentally as well as physically so it's hardly surprising we have these episodes. The waiting for results is very hard and constantly living your life in limbo is horrible but you will get through this horrible patch, take care Kerry xx

[fendweller in reply to doodoolatrice]

Oh how I can relate to what you've said ,I think my husband was thinking about removing sharp implements from the house for his safety ,he went swimming instead your little bit of humour has helped me find mine again and set me on the road to sanity ,well perhaps not sanity ,but something closer ,thank you .x

[shortfriends]

hello, I often turn into "crazy woman" but have not turned green yet! This will pass, read all the posts and see how many of us are still going strong. Sending you positive vibes and comradeship, let us know how you are doing and remember our madness is perfectly normal and acceptable at these times. Love and hugs, pat xxx

[fendweller in reply to shortfriends]

Feeling more ' normal ' by the minute thanks to all the support I've been given, feeling more positive as well , I now feel I can go crazy from time to time and not have to pretend to be strong all the time. Thank you for support ,so pleased I found this site , I will keep posting . x

[Manchesterlady]

I totally understand where coming from fendweller , living in three months windows wondering if the next check up will be bad . Sometimes I get overwhelmed by it all . I try to distract myself as much as I can . I still can’t believe this has happened.

Sending love

Sheila xx

[fendweller in reply to Manchesterlady]

Its so hard , usually able to distract myself ,but it got the better of me , this wasn't in our plans ,Like you I can't believe it ,I've always kept fit and active ,swimming gym walking ,had my five a day, but hey ho , thank you for your support ,hope you're doing OK..x

[delia2]

I understand how you feel. I’m 5 months out from frontline and becoming more like my old self all the time. We thought I had a new tumor when I finished chemo but I didn’t. Hopefully you will be ned and can start adjusting to life after chemo!🌺🌸💐

[fendweller in reply to delia2]

Good to know there's light at the end of the tunnel ,such good news that there's no new tumour ,good luck for the future .x

[CallmeMum]

Hi lovely,

Even as a carer I totally get where you're coming from. Just before Christmas my special person phoned and said "I'm not coming round Christmas"

Me "why not?"

SP "I don't see the point of it anymore" obviously by her saying that I saw red and I completely exploded at her I called her a selfish bitch told her I haven't wasted the past 3.5 (at that point it's now 4) years or so getting her to her appointments being on this website fighting for her to have treatment when she was told there wouldn't be much on offer to give up now. It turns out now that it was another reoccurrence and were now at the stage where there's not much more they can do, but we all turn into these phsycos at some point or another so don't worry about it its perfectly normal I'd say.

Xxx

[fendweller in reply to CallmeMum]

So sorry to hear there's not much more that can be done for your friend ,devastating blow for you both ,so kind of you to rely when you're having a bad time ,sending love . xx

[Nouna99]

It is totally normal. I was seeing a counselor at times like this and she explained the stages we pass through (denial - anger - acceptance) then life goes on.. you will find interest in things again and everything will be good. it has been 7 years for me and i was diagnosed in my early thirties. i felt my life was over but i'm still here and leading an almost normal life.

This is a phase and it will pass..

Husband was supportive and taking in all the rant and temper with patience but i knew it was building up so at a point / after 2nd recurrence / i stopped involving him with details and updates and even doctor appointments / scans.. etc.. it might not be the right thing to do but worrying about him on top of everything i was going through was just too much for me..

[fendweller in reply to Nouna99]

Your reply has given me hope for the future , I think I'm grieving for the women I was and the life I had , I'm feeling better already after all the replies I've had ,I know it will pass . Thank you.

[yudalef]

Dear Fendweller,

your Husband is your ultimate human being to support and contain your

serius suffering and pain. try to get his love and help as much as he can give with love and patience.

Take your Oncologist help and advice how to acomodate with your fear and anger which harm you more than the real illness.

Wish you all the best in your finding the way to get your life back.

[fendweller in reply to yudalef]

Thank you Yudalef , your words are so true ,I will take your advice .x

[Barmycharm]

Hi I thought I was going mad when I read your post, thought I’d written it and couldn’t remember!?! I’m a week past my 5th chemo and it’s hit me so hard this time. My family and friends have been very supportive but they all keep saying now Only 1 to go?!! Like suddenly it’s all going to go away once that last chemo is finished. And they make comments like oh should you be feeling this exhausted?!!I I have no energy to do anything and resent anyone coming round talking about Normal life when I couldn’t care less what the weather is like ?!! So I’m right there with you. Thank you for posting and making me feel less alone and less crazy for feeling like this just when the so called finishing line is in sight. There’s so many lovely ladies on here that are further along the long road than me and I didn’t want to post a woe is me comment but as usual on here all those have stepped up and reached out to you with love and reassurance. And that has helped me too. Big hugs to you and everything crossed for your scan results xxx

[fendweller in reply to Barmycharm]

I wanted to rip neighbours head off when she said " but you look so well" after I'd told her how I feel ,you hit it on the nail with everything you've said , people who say , some fresh air will help ,when I can't stand up long enough to get dry after a shower ,only the people going through it can know what its like ,this site is a god send. Thank you for replying ,you'll never know how much its helped .xx

[Tesla_7US]

Fendwell, chemo is toxic. It affects our brain in many ways. Emotional lability is one. The inability to edit yourself verbally, having unwanted thoughts and being highly reactive are also gifts of chemo. Hopefully where you live there are support groups for carers too. My husband goes to one here in US. It has helped him profoundly! He's in a safe group of people all going through the same hell. He gets to vent, seek advice and receive emotional support like we do here. I even went with him once to meet everyone which helped me to understand THEIR pain and FEAR. Hugs to you.🥰 PS, diagnosed 3C four years ago. Still loving life, new normal VERY different, but enjoyable.💖

[fendweller in reply to Tesla_7US]

No support groups near us ,can see this group will be a lifeline ,thank you for replying ,all the replies I've had are helping me to come out if this ,getting some positively back. X

[Solange]

Hello Fendweller. Welcome to our group. I commiserate with you, and can share with how you're feeling, especially as you've been feeling optimistic. It happens to lots of us, especially around Scan time and waiting for results, time. Also, a lot of us find that instead of feeling elated and jubilant after the last chemo session, we suddenly feel like you're feeling now - scared, tired and depressed. I think we feel suddenly a bit cast adrift, not attending for Chemo, regularly, and seeing the nurses there. I'm sure you'll feel better soon, if that's the case with you.

Also, you're mourning for your old style of life, which is a big thing to lose. Don't worry, as time goes on, a new style will evolve where yo share different things together with your hubby. As for the bitch from hell - it's awful, isn't it?!! My poor hubby goes through it with me, too, sometimes. Thankfully not very often and thankfully he always accepts my apologies. I hate myself for it, though. It's just not the true me. Even after 12 years it can suddenly flare up out of the blue, especially when I'm tired and overwhelmed with all the things that need doing round the house that I would normally do but just don't have the energy for.

Good luck for the future. Just remember you WILL feel better and life WILL be good again. There'll probably always be a little black shadow, lurking in the background, but you get better at shooing it away. My mantra has always been - 'There's more to life than cancer' and mostly it helps me 😊

With love and best wishes, Solange.

[fendweller in reply to Solange]

Oh my God ,you totally hit it on the nail ,I can relate to everything you've said ,can't thank you enough ,and there I was thinking it was only me ,was feeling pathetic a weak cause I wasn't coping thank you so much .x

[tara108]

Hi from Australia. Everything everyone has said is just so true. And your reaction is similar to many of us, including me. I have been a Process Psychologist for 40 years and have turned into someone I don't really recognise at times! With what we go through, it's normal to have all these feelings, shout, cry, want to be rude to some people, go up and down, feel depressed, want to give up etc. I even wrote a blog on "I want me back." and on "what to say to people who say daft things"! Please don't give yourself a hard time. It's tough enough with what we have to go through.

You may want to ring the Ovacome nurse Anna. She is fabulous and listens and is incredibly supportive. I recently talked to her on my phone card! I felt so much better afterwards.

Sending big hugs from English gal in Oz.

[fendweller in reply to tara108]

Thank you Tara 108 ,your reply and others have helped me a lot ,feel a little more sane again , didn't realise I could phone a nurse ,haven't got the hang if the site yet ,will investigate further .

[Mommoo65]

I cannot any more advice and support and wise words than our sisters have here. I just know it gets better when the stress of treatments and effects eases. I got a bit depressed and scared when that 'safety net' of treatment was over. No Doc appt for 3 months, no more scans? I felt better as I felt my appetite come back and fatigue eased. Life got better even tho after 4 years I still worry about recurrence. Please make some fun plans to celebrate your end of treatment!!

[fendweller in reply to Mommoo65]

My scan is Saturday ,oncologist Monday, even though I hate having the scans because I fear the result I fear not having the scans more , but I guess I'll get used to it .Good to hear you are four years on ,that gives me hope.I never thought about fun plans after last treatment ,but I will now . Thank you Mommoo 65 .

[Serengeti]

Oh my dear

I can totally relate to you

I was mourning my life before diagnosis, i got out of my life and I was watching from outside, I could not sleep but yet I put a brave face for my kids, hubby was my rock but in the end I went to a psychiatrist and was put on meds.i stayed on meds for 3 months and I weaned myself off them. I am better though from times to times it hits again. Anyway we have to live but it’s hard. Some people don’t understand they think that we are looking for sympathy but yet others are so good to us. What can I say life goes on

[fendweller in reply to Serengeti]

So sorry you had such a dreadful time ,thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I am starting to feel a little better emotionally ,everyone's repies have helped me so much.I to put on a brave face for my children and grandchildren, but I'm going to say it how it is in future ,I think it will be better for me than pretending I'm always OK ,hope you continue to improve .

[Natsmb]

Hugs. I'm sorry the chemo is so harsh on your system. How much more do you have?

[fendweller in reply to Natsmb]

I've had six cycles , scan Saturday ,oncologist Monday stomach churning time.

[Artgreen]

I completely get it. Same here and it is up and down after the chemo too. I had to quit being a psychotherapist as I couldn’t be “present” with those having what I thought were trivial experiences. I’m searching for what this is trying to teach me and there are some interesting thought. If you have them too write them down. If nothing else it will be interesting to look back on but you may also have quite a lot of repressed emotions trying to get acknowledged. I did. Sending love and hope your appointment goes well. I’m only a couple of months ahead of you . X

[Klorakas]

Hi fendweller, my sympathies go out to you and your family. My wife is being treated for bowel, stomach and small intestinal cancer stage 4. She has been on chemo for almost 12 months, chemo is brutal, nasty and vicious. My wife had been on folfiri and avastin for 6 months and she has been hospitalised twice with very bad side effects. On the plus side, she has just had a scan and her tumours are shrinking. Stay with it and like my wife you will gradually get your life back. Hoping all goes well with you and wish you luck for a full recovery.

[fendweller in reply to Klorakas]

So pleased your wife's tumours are shinking,I wish you both well ,it's heartwarming to get a reply from someone who has so much to cope with, I think I have things in perspective more now ,thanks to all the replies I've had .Thank you .

[Rlenesue]

We have all been through this. Just be positive that your life as you once knew it will be back.

[fendweller in reply to Rlenesue]

Thank you ,I'm feeling much better now ,think I needed a meltdown to get things back in perspective.

[Tabor]

You have been given some great advice from some awesome Ladies. I cannot add any more to it other than it’s okay to cry. I sure have. Just remember to take a deep breath and pick yourself back up. Be strong you’ve got this.

God Bless

Pat

[fendweller in reply to Tabor]

Thank you ,thanks to all the wonderful replies I've had I feel much stronger now .x

[SuziTench1]

Hi Fendweller , welcome to the mad house 🤣🤣, I mean this in a affectionately way 😍. Yep can relate to all thats been said , however as you will see from previous posts and profile , I bloody just get on it . 🤣🤣I may have Cancer ( on my 3rd Course at mo )cancer hasnt got me yet 🙏.. I call each episode a name .. dont like the word cancer 1st one Derek 2nd Arnie (ill be back) 🤣this one Spike.. who's taking a hike🤣🤣.. easier to say by name .my cm are dropping which is good .. We plan things so I have something to look forward too.. off to Kendal calling again this year and Portugal in Oct .. try and look beyond tomorrow.. helps to distract the daily shite.. you will have the courage like the rest of us .. Go girl you can do it, let us know how you get on with on.. problem shared etc .. 😁😁😎😎enjoy every day and all those around you .. xxxx

[fendweller in reply to SuziTench1]

Thank you for your lovely reply ,thanks to all the wonderful replies I've had I seem to be over the worst of my meltdown ,and my husband is still alive with no obvious injuries ,my scan result was positive ,good reduction ,and hopefully surgery ,don't suppose it will be my last meltdown ,but I now know its normal and I will come through it and get my sense of humour back.I wish you well with getting Spike to take a hike .x