Jumping Through Hopes

We are all familiar with the circus act where an animal usually a small dog, is trained to jump through hoops held by the circus master. The hoops vary in size and in placement and as the circus master waves the hoops, tosses them in air or sets them on fire, the dog bravely and enthusiastically jumps through each one.

What makes the dog do this? Daily training and the anticipation of a delicious reward at the end of a jump and perhaps a bigger reward at the end of the show.

Having cancer, I have often felt like a circus dog, only instead of jumping through hoops, I am jumping through hopes. At the beginning of the cancer show, the hopes are large and unlike in the circus, not so easy to jump through. As time goes by they get smaller and more specific and the likelihood of making it through is lesser. Still other hoops are set aflame and the danger of jumping through is palpable and the risk of not making it without being burnt or scarred is great.

Among the hopes one has to jump:

• I hope it’s not cancer

• I hope it’s in early stages

• I hope they get it all in surgery

• I hope it hasn’t spread

• I hope chemo isn’t too bad

• I hope I don’t lose my hair, nails, vitality, senses, etc.

• I hope I am no longer tired (nauseated, in pain, fatigued, etc.) tomorrow

• I hope the results show I’m in remission

• I hope it doesn’t recur

There are other hopes, of course. New ones appear on a daily basis (I hope I’m well enough today to shop for groceries, I hope the people coming to visit do not notice I’ve been unable to clean the house, I hope my insurance covers the next treatment, and so on….) and each one brings its own challenges and incentives.

Each jump gets me closer to my reward. If I successfully jump through these hopes is a 30% chance of living through the next two years and if I make it through that hope, there is a 20% chance I can go another 3 years with or without recurrence.

Frankly there are days where this is not much of an incentive and garnering the energy to jump through yet another hope seems impossible. And yet, like a trained dog, I jump. I jump because I am trained to believe that modern medicine and faith and sheer will can rid me of this cancer. I jump because the fear of not jumping outweighs any concern I might have of jumping and failing. I jump because they are not just my hopes, but the hopes of everyone I love and who loves me and the thought that I might let them down by refusing to jump is just too much of a burden to bear.

I jump because I have to.

[Yoshbosh]

👏🏻

[Katmal-UK]

Absolutely love this post. Mind if I facebook it?

[Hidden in reply to Katmal-UK]

Thank you. Please feel free.

[Caroles1]

Beautifully put, it sometimes seems so futile, but what option do we have.

We are all jumping with you,

Love Carole xx

[Alifit]

It takes a lot to make me feel like crying - but you have hit the nail so firmly on the head that I had to take a moment out. The lovely thing about this post is that it is an analogy that people without cancer can relate to. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings.

Best wishes, Ali xx

[Welshandproud]

What a brilliant analogy. I too feel like I'm jumping through hoops but that I am still expected to spin plates in the air. I am expected to be positive, plan for trips which I might not be able to take if it comes back, to be myself, to not give up, to rest, to do as much as I can when I can without overdoing it and to push that nasty cancer to the back of my head. No wonder I feel exhausted. I think this is going to need a little more than mindfulness xxxxx

[Chamber]

What a great post! Sums it all up really

Judy xx

[SuzanneKau]

Wow! Just wow!! I’ve just begun jumping but my thoughts are with those who are regular participants in the circus.

[January-2016-UK]

This is amazing. Thanks for sharing.

[GoldenGourd]

Spot on ! Great ability to say it like it is with style.

XxNetti xx

[Elizabethe]

Oh. That is excellent. Exactly so! But we have to hang on to hope don't we, the last spirit in the box - even if that hope is tiny. and yes, we have to, because what's the alternative?

Thanks for sharing

Elizabethe

[tara108]

Your post touches my heart as you speak the truth that we all know. Hope and the opposite is fear. Swinging between the two is the tightrope we walk every day. Yet we always have the choice to sit right in the middle of hope and fear and quietly listen to follow ourselves.

[LittleSan]

Wonderfully written! Xxx

[Hidden]

" I jump because they are not just my hopes, but the hopes of everyone I love and who loves me and the thought that I might let them down by refusing to jump is just too much of a burden to bear"....what a wonderful words and its such a hard truth.

I have been on the blog since my mother's diagnosis in November 2016 but always been silent.

But these are the words I always keep saying her and it touched me in my heart.

Thank you for sharing.

My mother finished her 1st chemo in April 2017 but again it recurred in Dec 2017, so now still on second line chemo.

Actually even I am jumping though same hope everyday.Every morning prayers will be almost same as in your post.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the lovely reply, your words as well as those of others, mean a great deal to me. Oftentimes, we feel so alone on this journey and writing, responding and connecting to others via this forum helps to remind us that we are not alone and that there are others who feel what we feel. You do not need to remain silent - we are here for you as much as we are here for each other.

I pray that your Mother does well with her treatment. As you no doubt have noticed, there are many long term survivors and still others who manage the disease successfully for many, many, many years. There are many reasons for hope.

Wishing your mother and you the very best of outcomes and please reach out when you feel the need for a little extra support. We are here for the both of you.

[kat98116]

Oh wow....just wow. Beautifully said and so true. No wonder we're exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The visual of jumping through hoops while spinning plates is spot on!

[SarahsJourney]

❤️ Beautiful sentiment ❤️