I have used this forum off and on over the last 9 years. Not been on here for quite a while though! It helped me through a few difficult times, and I only hope I am able to give something back.
The thought of helping or being there for other husbands, boyfriend, partners is what I try to bring to the table. I remember the day so very clearly when my wife and I were told that she had Ovarian Cancer. That feeling of freefall, helplessness, panic, shock, denial and anger. It was, and still is, a melting pot of thoughts and emotions for me.
Attending the consultations, chemo sessions, telling friends and family and by far and away the most difficult thing I have ever had to do........telling the children. Yep, done that! But there have been times, when I would have loved to 'chatted' to somebody that had been on a similar journey. I often felt quite alone; can't really pour my heart out at home (I have to be the strong one for everybody else). Somehow have to try to function at work (easier some days, practically impossible on others). Explaining to friends what's going on (we have lots of friends, but only a handful of people over the years have actually LISTENED to what we have said, most gush sympathy from the get go, but choose to not really take it all in). Interesting conversation to be had around these points. Sound familiar? Yep, seen all of that on the journey. I would have liked to reached out to somebody completely impartial, who will be completely subjective, have no real pre formed ideas or opinions, but most importantly, be there for ME, when I need them to be.
Just putting it out there chaps! Its a bumpy old road at times, if you need a chat or there is anything I can do to help, just ask. I'm not a doctor or a councillor, I'm just a husband and a father trying to do right by my family in the most unbelievable and tops-turvy of personal circumstances. Probably a bit like you?
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SuperHubby24
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Hello Superhubby24, loved your post. I know that my fantastic husband has felt all of the things you mention and he doesn't want to burden me. I always think it is somehow harder on our partners who 'have to keep strong'. So thank you for posting.
Hi Chris, Thanks for your note, it means a lot. Top Tip though, 'keeping strong' takes its toll physically AND emotionally. I learnt very quickly after the second round of treatment, that it is unhealthy to 'keep the emotional lid screwed on too tightly'. Your fantastic husband needs to know (and I am sure that he does) that's its OK to 'just let it out'. Be that a rant, a few tears, fears, thoughts, opinions, frustration, hurt and pain. My grip on the whole situation was made (certainly in the long term), sooooo much more bearable by not wasting emotional energy trying to 'hold back' or 'keeping strong'. I developed this cunning knack of going for a walk with the dog, having a drive, or just having a bit of private head space to gather my thoughts and emotions. I can now let it all out, compose myself, and then get back to my family with a clear head and refreshed energy and focus. It works well for me anyway Lol Xx
Great post, I think we, as cancer sufferers think 'this' is only happening to us. I'll always remember my husband, the day we learnt of my first recurrence, we sat in the car and he looked at me, apologised 'I'm sorry I told myself I wasn't going to do this' and promptly burst into tears. Thank you for raising this issue. xx Kathy xx
Hi Kathy, Brilliant, that's exactly the type of thing I would say too Lol. Actually just got a bit choked up reading your note! Wishing you both well Xx
My hubby feels the same. He joined a Facebook group for partners of women with cancer. Not sure if it's an ovarian cancer forum. I don't think there's a lot of activity on there mainly because it's not easy to find.
My hubby is working long days and also doing the things around the house I have no energy for.
I do think he would like to talk about how he feels to someone I don't know
Hey LA, It sounds extremely tough for you guys at the moment. I think its very important that he speaks with someone. I tried counselling, that was very good and I really benefitted from the x6 sessions that I had. Perhaps your GP may be of help? It took me a while to muster up the courage to speak with my GP, as I started to suffer with mild depression. The Doctor was fantastic, a great sound-board for me to vent off, and I was also taking antidepressant medication for a short while. I never forgot the analogy that he used 'if you bump your head, you have a bruise, if you cut your leg, it bleeds', he said 'depression is not like that, not as visible, it can be a problem and you are right to seek help to address it'. Over the course of the last 9 years, there have been three times that I have turned to my GP to seek advise on depression, each time he helped me through. We have just heard that my wife will be starting chemo (this is the fourth time) in a little over 8 weeks. I have a feeling I will be taking a trip back to see him! Another person who was extremely helpful and supportive was one of the Oncology nurses up on the ward. She helped me so much through probably one of my lowest dips. I had a 'mini breakdown' one day, and just drove to the hospital on the off chance that she might be there! Luckily for me she was. It all just came pouring out; tears and anguish, the fear and anticipation, a few choice 'F' words for good measure! She was an absolute superstar, and sat with me for about 45mins as I recall and just took it all. I emptied over 5 years (at the time) of everything thing cancer related that had been whooshing around my head day and night! I felt so so so much better when I walked out of there that day, and am so truly grateful that she was able to give her time so selflessly to help me when I needed help most. There are options out there for your husband of people to talk to. Obviously some of the cancer charities also offer support to partners and families, although I have chosen not to go that route myself. I wish you both well, and send you the strength to help each other through this tough time Xx
Hey Superhubby24, Very glad you've again reached out to this wonderful, safe place-- where you really don't have to "stay strong". I've long taken exception to the idea that we, who are profoundly affected by this mean disease, have to "stay strong". Being strong is allowing yourself to experience ALL of your emotions and then-- finding ways to adapt to the process of having "cancer in the room". So, for my husband, the strongest thing he's done is to hold me tight and cry WITH me. This primal vetting of shared fear, anger and apprehension is the greatest validation of our fight together, to stop cancer from stealing our souls. I'm HERE NOW and loving every minute of every day. I salute you and send you positive energy to continue on a loving path. Tesla
I ve just felt quite emotional reading your post going in for diagnosis this Wednesday but no husband he died aged 56 4 years ago ,,,makes it tough. I have three sons one who's recovering from leukaemia and a stem cell transplant ..honestly life you couldn't make it up. It's tough I have a male friend not easy relationships particularly when living apart and there were no plans to live together or marry although he has asked bless him x
I had to go for counselling as my husband masked his fear by joking and denying everything to himself. He was at my side throughout treatment but didn't want to speak to me about the disease.
My oncologist told him one day she understood his mask as during chemo he would make jokes of everything even with my oncologist. I gradually learned he was just frightened, he still won't discuss the subject.
Hi there, if there was ever a post that rang true was yours. My husband will never write on this forum he is the "strong one". He has looked at me at times and welled up in tears when I talk to him about all these things. When we recently started planning my palliative care he was tearful with our doctor. He holds it together so much that occasionally it spills over. He is the one I care about the most and I want to protect him. I say I am sorry to him as I am putting him through this. He does everything for me. He is outstanding. I believe it is harder for our loved ones. Thank you for reminding us all about the men in our lives. Regards Sharon
Hi, I've had this very conversation on a number of occasions, I've believe it's just as difficult to deal with the cancer for the family of the patient albeit in a totally different way. As the patient we are cared for, given treatment, counselled if we need it and have huge amounts of support from our significant others etc. Who gives the significant others their support?
We've been really lucky in that I became friends with some of the chemo ladies I met each week for treatment and my husband, in turn, befriended their husbands/partners. We still are in touch nearly 3 years on with one couple in particular and regularly meet up and keep in touch. Both chaps have said how valuable they have found being able to talk to each other about their experiences and it's been good for us ladies too to see them have somebody who understood what they were experiencing because we didn't.
My hubby also had therapy which really helped him too.
Well done on highlighting this and for your kind offer to be there for other supporters out there. This disease has wide reaching effects which are much wider than I think we initially realise.
Hi SuperHubby24, thanks for posting. I worried about my hubby as he has always been the strong silent one. We did cry together at one point when told the cancer was back, 7 months after completing treatment, but I try not to get upset or show him my fears as I don't want to worry him, although he's probably worried anyway. When I'm on treatment, I keep apologising to him for putting him through this and he says there is no need for me to apologise, but somehow, I feel I need to.
Maybe HU might set up forum especially for partners of those with cancer!
My husband is very supportive but maybe doesn't quite believe that I will probably become ill again. He does not discuss it with anyone as far as I know and it is a great comfort to know there is someone here that he can talk to if needed. Thank you so much.
Unfortunately my husband died one year before I was diagnosed last year with OC and I miss him like crazy. He was diagnosed with a very aggressive Lymphoma B. My first husband died from Bowel cancer fifteen years ago so I am no novice when it comes to cancer but one thing I have learnt is that you can never give up..Live for today and do what you can whilst you can.. I would like to mention that I have a wonderful caring family and friends. I wish everyone all the very best for the future xx
I am so very sorry to read about your terrible losses but am glad you have your family and friends around you. Yes I have had to change to living for the present instead of always for the future. Wishing you the best for the future too.
What a great post and I can relate to so much of what you said. When we got the dx, I was in such shock with each call, comment (they couldn't tell what kind of cancer it was at first, but kept saying "its everywhere" and I was numb, in disbelief, waiting for the next hammer). My husband who I have been with for 30 years, cried once when we were engaged. He came to sit next to me with the dx and broke down. I couldn't believe it. But he then turned into the rock--acting like everything will be fine (he doesn't like me to ever discuss what will be if I am not around and just says I will live longer than he but I see it as denial). When in the hospital, he refused to have anyone but him help me and he would show up at 7AM with breakfast, clean my "area" replenish everything, take me for my walks, etc. I begged him to get me other help but he refused.
Thank you for putting your feelings out there for all of us to read, feel, and share. It's comforting and makes me wish my husband would join a support group of some sort!
For 5 years, I went to appointments alone, & was happy to do so. On the day I was told about my 4th recurrence, he decided he wanted to come with me, &afterwards I sat in the car trying to calm him down. A few weeks later we joined a local cancer support group together at his request, as it was for anyone affected by cancer,including husbands. I later joined a monthly ladies only gynae cancer support group which started a few miles away. I prefer that group, finding it more helpful, but we kept in touch with the original group so he feels there are meetings he can go to sometimes too. He still comes to most of my appointments and sat with me when I had chemo. (didn't have chemo after first 3 recurrences). I try to think of his feelings, but it's good to be reminded of the need sometimes. Di
My partner, like a lot of men, didn't really talk to anyone about it. He was having a really awful time at his work too. One evening it just got too much and he burst into tears. He just tried being strong and positive for me for too long. Bloody awful time that was.
He was made redundant last week so that's another worry.
Hi Suzanne, I sympathise with the situation you and your husband find yourselves in. He really does need to try to let it out, as to use my favourite pressure cooker analogy, 'keeping the lid screwed on to tightly' will men that he will 'blow' sooner or later. I was exactly the same, until it all came on top. I just sat on a bench on Poole Quay for over 2 hrs in the pouring rainrain. Unable to move, blink, breath. The tears just fell out of me. I was completely numb with the emotional and physical pressure that had just built up and built up over time. Horrible, and to be honest, quite scary. But once its out, its out. I felt so much better afterwards. I now choose to 'let it out' as and when I need to. No point bottling it all up. I always try to remove myself from the home environment to do this. My wife does not need to see me breakdown or shed a few tears, she has enough to deal with. However, she knows that I do it and understands why. She just lets me slip off the radar and just get it out of my system. Perhaps your husband could try to let go in this way? There's no right or wrong, it just really helped me.
Sorry to hear that he has been made redundant. I have also been made redundant twice in the last year and a half. This is also tough for you both I am sure. I wrap myself in my invisible super hero cloak. The one that says 'I love my wife and have been fighting cancer now for over 9 years - THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU OR THE REST OF THE WORLD CAN EVER THOW AT ME THATS WORSE THAN THAT'. Its given me a sense of perspective. I believe the above statement is 100% true, and I keep telling myself that over and over. It has helped me find this renewed feeling of self worth, confidence, 'I'll give it my best shot' type of attitude. Granted, this is very easy to say but difficult to do. I wish you both all the very best, and hope that your husband finds work soon. I know he will Xxx
Thank you so much for your lovely reply. Its great that you can open up on here. My partner sort of buries his head in the sand now that I'm in remission and back at work.
If we go out with friends, he asks me not to mention cancer.
I've been in remission since end of January but I'm always aware it can rear its ugly head again. I had a CT scan last week due to rising CA125 levels.
I worry that he's been made redundant but there's no worse news than being told you have cancer and it's incurable.
I think you're doing a wonderful thing by writing on here. Xx
You are so very welcome Suzanne. It is truly great that you/we can open up on here. I have been drawn back onto this as we are starting Chemo again in about 8 weeks. I find it really helps me. We have had a fairly stable 2 years. My wife having the maintenance drugs Avastin & Letrosole throughout that period. They do carry their own side effects and problems, but generally speaking its the longest and most stable run we have had. Unfortunately, the Avastin had to be stopped as it was ruining my wife's Kidney function. Knowing that she would need treatment at some point in the future, they stopped the Avastin to give her the best possible chance of tolerating the Chemo when the time eventually came. Well, sure enough the CA125 levels have started to jump up, and more chemo is on the horizon. Its hit me/us pretty hard this time and is a real slap in the face after 2 'decent' years. I guess we are just moving onto the next phase, we were always going to need more treatment. Anyway, enough of that! We have 8 amazing weeks before all that nasty treatment starts! Hopefully a nice warm Summer to look forward to! Sod it, I'm doing a BBQ tonight (just because I can!!!) Xx
Dear Superhubby, great post thank you so much, I got my own Superhubby Nick to read it and he said he had identified with it so much. I let him go shopping on his own as I think he needed some time out on his own. I was diagnosed 5 years ago and have started taking Letrozole. Love to you both Bridie
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