The life after chemo isn't what I thought it would be.

[Veronica08]

Hello everyone. Finished chemo on February 15th this year... I had hoped of old me just bouncing back. But I don't believe the ol me is left in me anymore. Got upcoming surgery in ten days to remove my colostomy bag. Very scared about it too. But this state of depression is not what I was expecting.Everone seems to think my battle is over. And the few friends that I still have...well they are not the same or maybe it's me. It hit me like a ton of bricks that ..I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. My husband works on a river boat and that leaves me alone for a month at a time. And I was able to make it through chemo alone most of them days. So why am I going though this depression now?

[85live4ever]

Hi Veronica, I am so sorry you feel this way but it is very normal. You have had a life threatening illness & amazingly has come out the other end. The fact you have done the chemo train mainly on your own you should be patting your self on your back!!!!

I have suffered with really bad depression over having cancer it doesn't matter what grade or to what extreme you have suffered or even if you have come out as a suvivor. It's the biggest shock your body & mind will of ever experienced so please don't beat your self up too much.

As for friends & family unless they have gone through what you have been through they are don't really understand. In the last 2 years I have been able to keep those who can understand me & sort of let go of those that don't. My daughter in law has been amazing but one of my sister's keep telling me that if I am not positive all the time & smiling & laughing then the cancer will kill me. I keep her at arm length now because I have to look after me. I know they want the best for you but what they are offering doesn't always fit in the way you feel at present.

Have you mentioned how you feel to the GP? My daughter in law had me up to the GP as soon as she realised how depressed I was. I am on tablets which help it doesn't mean I am my old self I never will be but I am getting use to the new me. Please be kind to your self take care love Cindyxx

[SarahsJourney]

Veronica, I feel the same. Chemo finished 31 Mar (although am on Avastin every 3 weeks at min) all through my treatment my goal was to get to the end, as then I could 'celebrate' but it's the farthest thing from my mind at the moment.

Also know what you mean re friends & stuff I guess some of them just don't know how to handle it, or the right thing to say & so they avoid us altogether it's all a bit shit huh

Am going away next week, & there've been days I can't even face that but I'm going to seek counselling once I'm home to try & help as I def think I'm depressed now, even though I felt really positive until now 😕

Do hope you feel better soon. Maybe talk to the Ovacome support team?

xxx

[Veronica08 in reply to SarahsJourney]

Maybe I do need to speak out some help because I'm struggling with all that's happened to me,my mind, and to everything..I was such a strong warrior during chemo..and now I don't care care if I even get outta bed. Ty for taking time to talk to me. Sending​ prayers your way. Keep in touch 😇😇

[SarahsJourney in reply to Veronica08]

Veronica, I completely get it & was the same. REALLY positive through chemo, strong in mind & my body handled it well. But now, like you I've struggled to get out of bed, and cancelled all my diary appointments last week. It doesn't help my bloods have just arrived & my CA125 has risen even though I'm currently on Avastin. It's hard... xxx

I will send you something that I got sent. It helped me a little, & might help lift you a little x

[Purple-iris]

Hi Veronica

I finished my chemo in January and felt just the same . You need all your energy and strength to get through the chemo and surgery and are in survival mode. Once chemo is finished and you physically start feeling better you just imagine you will start feeling like your old self but it's then the shock of diagnosis , surgery and the uncertainty of the future really hits . Was told by my team that this is normal . I have been having counselling which has really helped as friends don't want to hear how you really feel ! And you don't want to upset your loved ones as they have been through so much .

You have done so well getting through chemo without your partner around .

I realised I was ok when my husband was here and we were busy but if he was out or away with business I couldn't be bothered to get dressed . I used to be a busy primary school teacher and the thought of even going into school now fills me with dread . Not that I need to go back to work but sometimes think that's the problem . I need to find my new purpose .

It does get better with time , as long as you keep busy and plan some things in the diary to look forward to . The counselling has helped me and am due to start a 'fear of reccurance ' group at Guys at the end of the month for 6 weeks . We also got a rescue dog , something we were planning to do. He has been a real joy and needs walking even when I don't feel like it !!

Hang on in there , you also have your surgery so no wonder you are having a wobble . My counsellor told me we need to give our minds time to heal too. Our diagnosis is a trauma and we have to learn to live with it so it doesn't stop us enjoying ouselves and making the most of each day . When I was diagnosed stage 4 in June 2016 I didn't think I would make it to Christmas and here I am almost a year later so am determined to make the most of it 😀💜love and best wishes

Kim X

[Lily-Anne]

Have your team discussed the feeling of anti climax with you? They are very aware of the depression and feeling of loss at the end of treatment and usually have plans in place for this. If they haven't then ask to see your consultant for a chat and referral for specialist counselling. Mental health is very neglected in the U.K. Yet it's as important as physical health.

Take care

LA xx

[penibear58]

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I had breast cancer 7 years ago, and then ovarian last year. I finished chemo in Dec, but am on Avastin 3 weekly. After BC I made myself believe that it was over; eventually even I believed it!

I thought I was prepared for the 'after chemo' depression this time but I'm not. I went back to work, very part time, but I can't cope with it somedays....but at least it makes me get out of bed.

But I know I got over it last time, so I just have to make myself do stuff and in the end I will actually want to do it. Just keep on keeping on and eventually, you will come to know and accept the new you. Hopefully so will I !!

Lots of love

Penny xxx

[MurielTheActor]

I won't repeat what all the other lovelies have said - it is all valuable truth!

The one thing I will add is the date we say we've finished chemo - the date of our final session is not the end. It's not really finished as far as your body is concerned until you don't have the next one - three weeks later! Only then does your body begin to recover and your mind.

We have to be so kind to ourselves and let ourselves off the hook for so many things. Taking the time to recover is the most important!

[IrishMollyO]

Hi Veronica

Nearly everyone gets that isolated feeling when chemo finishes. Nobody warned me in advance but it was bound to happen. You go from being treated and cared for by oncology nurses every three weeks and then you are suddenly on your own to fend for yourself. The shock of diagnosis followed by treatment doesn't give you time to take it in. I found that while I was on chemo I felt great mentally. I was fighting this illness and my CA125 was coming down rapidly. Then 6 months later suddenly all supports seem to fall away. I was lost like a small child who can't find their way home.

I did a few things to get myself back together. I made an appointment with a Cancer psychologist attached to my hospital which really helped..I still go to her when I get stressed and she sorts my head out. I also joined a Cancer support group in my area where I learned tai chi and mindfulness.

You are so right too about some friends and family. They are so happy that treatment is over they are really persuading themselves that you are now 100 per cent ok . Of course for so many of us it's never ever going to be over. I was advised to see it as a chronic illness which may need treatment occasionally which is a gentler way of looking at it. Also being a part of this website is such a blessing. Here you find wonderful people who really understand what you are going through . They really care when the chips are down and you don't want to burden family and friends .

I wish you all the best in your surgery and that it will be a turning point for you to get back your life. You will live a different and even richer life having had the Cancer experience and I found that I now appreciate every moment. I will pray for you that your depression will lift. Take care

XXX

[LesleyGreengran]

Sometimes it just happens. It's a huge change to have to go through and hard to readjust. I got a life back eventually. I found new friends as well as keeping the ones that were helpful, and still wanted to know me. One didn't. Take it day by day xx

[Howick01]

Hi so sorry you are feeling that way

Do you have a Maggie's or a gynae cancer support group in your area?

I am fortunate to have both and I also attend a knit and natter group with people with cancer- not necessarily gynae and this has been of great benefit to me.We even have a gent attending!

I am definitely an advocate of support groups.

Take care xxx

[thesilent1]

I pretty much had the same reaction to you at the end of my first line treatment. Everyone was expecting me to be back to normal and that was far from the case. Every wee ache, twinge etc sent my mind into overdrive. I had had a few boils on my abdomen prior to my diagnosis and when I developed a boil on my abdomen in February 14, less than 2 months after completion of chemo, I was convinced it was back and ended up in floods of tears with my GP. She explained to me that I had been on a roller coaster since my cancer was found, I needed urgent surgery, and afterwards it was me concentrating on getting through each session of chemo and the constant running to hospital appointments, with all the knock backs due to bloods misbehaving. My mind had no time to process everything that had been going on. It needed time to do just that. She gave me a low dose tablet for anxiety, which helped me get some sleep, that I hadn't really been able to do for almost a year. She also advised me to seek counselling, which I did and this helped me process all my thoughts and feelings. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

You will probably never go back to being the old you, I know I never. BUT, the new me has done things I never dreamed I would, eg, fundraising, speaking in front of an audience, going to London on my own to speak at Westminster, going on long weekends away with girlfriends, I had never been anywhere without my husband by my side before. I am so much more confident now and, I am happy and enjoying life. I'm sure once you have processed everything, you will too.

Ann xx

[Sunfleury-UK]

these feelings and experience are incredibly common and I wish that more information and

possible sources of support were given at the end of treatments. In some places they are... I think being aware of the possiblitity might mitigate the bewilderment felt when we are caught unaware...

I found The Cancer Suvivors companion by Goodheart and Atkins really useful as it is quite focussed on practical ways and it also has sections for friends and family throughout. Also do have a look forDr Peter Harvey's article "When the treatment finishes-then what?' - a Google search will find it. I think this was singularly the most important thing that I read and I know many others have found it incredibly reassuring and helpful.

Penny Brohn also run a fabulous short residential course in Bristol, in beautiful grounds about 'Living Well' with cancer. I thoroughly recommend it along with other similar short courses run by Macmillan centres, Maggie's and hospices throughout the UK.

There is lots of support and information out there- youve done amazing things in getting through really tough treatments and the trauma of diagnosis. Do please be kind to yourself, and i wish you hope and strength, Sxx

[Sunfleury-UK in reply to Sunfleury-UK]

Link here to Dr Peter Harvey's really important and helpful article 'After the treatment finishes, then what?

cancercounselling.org.uk/Af...

[rppizio]

Veronica, We go through so much at the onset of a disease that we can't possibly grasp it all. As things slow down and you heal, time allows our brains to process what we have been through and then we have the job of deciding how and what we want to do with this new information. Priorities change quickly and can rock our foundations to the core.Things we once took for granted now show their immediate importance. The four letter word " life" takes on a whole new meaning and our authentic self comes to the forefront.