Ladies, I saw the Oncologist yesterday, following my debulking surgery 9 Jan, to discuss next steps & restart my second cycle of chemo.
She was very good, & answered all our questions frankly. I think I'm actually incredibly lucky, I do know that, the surgeon felt confident he'd got all the visible cancer during op. Oncologist said compared to others I was doing very well post-surgery. My CA125 was down to 100 pre-surgery, & she retested yesterday, albeit we're still awaiting those results. All good right?
Except...when discussing the optimal treatment plan she casually drops in that after a further 3 cycles of chemo (making 6 in total) I'll continue to have Avastin every 3 weeks till I've had a total of 14 I think she said. I questioned how this was administered & she said intravenously.
I nodded & said 'oh' but it was like a ticking time bomb. Off we went to chemo, saying we'd see her in 3 weeks. It didn't help that the chemo nurse I was assigned I'd not seen before & let me tell you, she bloody hurt me when putting the cannula in my port. I literally cried out and she brushed it off saying it was because I did not used the anaesthetic cream. Scuse my French but Bollocks! I've had that many people use the port now, you can tell who's good at it & who's not. I'm phoning the unit on Monday to say I don't want her again cos when she took it out she just yanked it (which hurt again) & said 'oh I like to do it quickly!!' Sorry...I digress
As I sat there, with time to kill, all I could think was I wouldn't be 'free' by the end of March which had been my goal. I got my diary out & worked out I'd still have to go every 3 weeks until prob Jan 2018 - a whole other YEAR. As I sat there the tears plopped down my face, as they are now while I'm writing this.
It's the fact I just wasn't expecting it. I had visions of being free, of putting this behind me, of carefree holidays, & a whole new normal. I know I'll always have cancer in my life as I'm stage 4 but this felt like yet another blow.
Sorry, Long post huh...I'm a rambler, I don't really do 'concise' or short & sweet straight to the point I need to give myself time, to absorb this latest news accept that I'm really very lucky as I know some ladies are fighting to get Avastin, I do know that (makes me feel guilty that I've reacted like this, & selfish for thinking of myself). Once I've absorbed that this is a benefit, & as my Monkeyhusband said, at least this way they're trying to be sure they blast it all! Plus he's commited to continue coming to all my appointments. Another bonus is, no cold cap! YAY SEE...am already looking for positives.
Will end here. Just needed to offload that. Am sure there'll be a few more tears, but that's part of the process, right? All part of the cancer rollercoaster 'stop, I want to get off' ride! 😘 Happy Saturday. Find something to do today that you love ❤️ I intend to xxx