I just don't really know where to turn to just feel like I'm losing it. Had a total Meltdown last night and couldn't stop crying and still very tearful today. I just feel so orry for my poor husband who's going through this mental anguish too. I had a recurrence a few months ago in 3 of the lymph nodes Infront of lumber and one lymph us a para aortic lymph node. My surgeon said I was on the list for surgery but now has changed his mind as he said that there is a lot if scar tissue there and would prob do more harm taking them out. I was absolituely devastated as I had my heart set on having them removef. I I ave had 3 chemo do far out of 6 (caelyx and carbo) 'm due for a scan shortly to see how it's all going. I also had a private consultation with Prof Christina she said she would have attempted to remove them but will not do so now as I have had chemo and she said if I have another recurrence in the future she will gladly see me. I know I have to keep positive that the chemo is working but I just feel do upset and cannot stop crying and feel like I'm having a breakdown. I'm not normally like this but I think the anxiety re scan and results are kicking in. Proof C said she understands that I had no choice but to start chemo as the lymphs were getting a gallop on and she said that they have only just started surgery up again for recurrences too.
Total Meltdown: I just don't really know where to... - My Ovacome
Total Meltdown
Dear Win,
Please take heart that the wonderful professor will see you and take care of you at a later date.
Hopefully, the Carbo/Caelyx combo will shrink your disease to a manageable state or even make it disappear.
Put those doom and gloom thoughts aside for now. You have plenty of options and you just need to be patient a little longer.
Best wishes and hugs,
Laura
Hi Win,
I would just like to echo what Lindaura has said.
Hope that the remaining chemo does its job. You have plenty of options & you have the great Prof C for later, if you need her.
We all have some days when this journey seems overwhelming but you will get support from the ladies on this forum.
Hugs & best wishes,
Fi
Thank you Fi. I'll know next time with Prof C not to start chemo but with covid around and no surgeries taking place it just wasn't an option this time. Feel a little better today everyone's lovely comments has given me a lift.x
Dear Win,
This feeling of 'breakdown' is something many, if not all of us, recognise from our own experience...as well as recognising how tough it is for our husband/life partner who is hating seeing us suffering and feeling they are not sure how to help. Please be kind to yourself and him. My husband & I used to lay on the bed, holding hands, silently weeping nand hugging until one of us felt able to make that much appreciated cuppa.
At one of my down times, my GP told me that my job was"to grow healthy cells, nothing else. Leave the killing to we medics and if you bring us the healthiest body you can, you give us more options." That was 6 years ago now and I've never forgotten to do as he said...'eat well, exercise well and rest well'
Our hearts go our to you. Warmest wishes, L x
Wish there was an option to love this 💕
Thanks Lesley it really means a lot to me that you have all taken the time to reply to me. Just found it all do consuming and finding it hard to cope at the moment.x
Thank you for your reply Lesley feeling more positive thus past week. Still waiting for my scan.
Dear Win,
Thank you so much for letting me/us know you are holding steady, especially when waiting for a scan or anything else, bloods, results, appointments etc. I think that's brilliant.
I wonder if you and your husband would find any of the Staying Connected activities by Ovacome useful - or if you don't want to join in, then maybe one of the video sessions they've got recorded. The link is ovacome.org.uk/staying-conn... with the live session times at the top, and scroll down for the videos.
Ovacome don't have an offering on Mindfulness online, just at their Wellbeing Days before Covid hit us all. My husband & I started using Headspace App together about three or four years ago as I'd 'found' Mindfulness shortly after my first treatment was over, and when his anxiety started to get the better of him, he looked at things to help his mental wellbeing and found the Headspace App; it's not cheap but you can try sessions for free first. There is a 'course' of sessions on living with cancer.
If you find Apps a way of getting information and guidance at times when you feel you want to, not to anyone else's timetable, you may also find the 'Natiacares' App helpful; I volunteered to 'trial' it and do think there is lots of helpful stuff. 'Untire' is another App to guide us through managing fatigue. Both have been developed by people who have experience of cancer and those those professional jobs are involved with helping us. Oh, yes...I don't have shares in them, just think they're helpful and reassuring we are normal!!!
Warmest wishes, Win. keep taking care. L x
Hi Lesley thanks for all the information. I will definitely look into this. X
Dear win_56
Sometimes this roller coaster is too much and you need to let that feeling out. I had a couple of occasions in hospital when I just cried and cried. I hope that you feel better afterwards but if you don’t and the despair and anxiety are still bugging you then please take that as a cue to get some help. You don’t have to do all this alone or lean on your family who are also worried xx
Hi Win
So sorry to hear that you are so down, we all understand on this website how you are feeling, it’s so hard sometimes to try to stay as positive as we can, and of course all of our families suffer and feel so helpless to help us, but they do their best, and that’s all they can do really.
Hopefully you will have a good scan result and the professor will be able to operate at a later date.
Don’t beat yourself up about feeling upset , you’re allowed to be upset and tearful, tomorrow is another day and hopefully you’ll be feeling stronger to cope, but please try to get some help if you can.
Sending you some positive vibes and a hug
Take care Maggie xx
Hi Win, Don't worry about having a good cry your letting your angst out and your going into battle so need to be in the right place. Once your feeling better you and your husband can dust yourselves down and commence battle. I wish you all the very best and I hope the chemo does the trick. Take care and good luck I'm keeping everything crossed for you. Sue xx
Thank you all do much for your lovely warm and heartfelt replies and that sometime or other you've all felt this way. I just beat myself up over it after and think I should be stronger than this and shouldn't feel so helpless and it's all so consuming. I went out for a long walk yesterday with my husband and it did me good mentally This morning feel ready to try and put all the negative thoughts behind and as sue said commence battle again. I will ring up the Macmillan and ask if there are any support groups in my area but I suppose it's a bit difficult shielding. Thank you lovely teal sisters for all your support and kind words x
Glad you are feeling better today, Win. We can all completely understand how you were feeling.
Hope you get some good information on support groups from your MacMillan Nurse/CNS. Do you have access to a local Maggie’s Centre? My local one is running groups via Zoom. Despite my initial skepticism, our mindfulness session is working well that way. I have also found talking with the psychologist really helpful- these sessions are currently by phone. They are all carrying on quite successfully, despite shielding. Hope you can manage to access something suitable for you.
Take care,
Fi x
Hi win. It is so hard sometimes isn't it? Sometimes we just need a good wallow when it all gets a bit too much just to get it out if our system and then pick ourselves back up. Your thoughts and fears are your own and very real to you but you will find a way to deal with them. I can be very creative in frightening myself when I wallow but somehow I always find my way back. Be kind to yourself, you don't have to be strong all the time. Incidentally, I've just started carbo/caelyx for first recurrence. The first week it really messed with my head - I seem fine now, just a little tired and weak. May I ask, who is this wonderful Prof Christina I keep hearing about and where is she?
Thank you for your lovely reply. Prof C us based at Queen's Charlotte in Hammersmith. I got her details from the web and from others on here whom have had surgery fir recurrence. They say she's an excellent surgeon and where others surgeons don't or won't operate she had and been successful.
Bless your heart. I’ve had a few meltdowns. On the Hope course I attended Oct 2018 I was told by the nurse there that being positive isn’t always being optimistic but accepting how you’re feeling & allowing those emotions out. If you suppress them it doesn’t help your mind or body heal.
Great prof c is on your case. She did my surgery in Jan this year. Amazing woman.
Take good care of yourself,
Lynne xxx
Surgery wasn't an option this time. Too many serious complications from two previous surgeries. It would have been ultra radical - they wanted to take all the extensive cancer away. Leaving anything would be of no benefit to me. Frankly, I think everyone was veering towards the risks being greater than the benefits. Still I shall save this info for the future.......you never know. Out of interest would I have to make a private appointment? Is she NHS? I live in the Midlands but I hale from South London. I am prepared to travel if it comes to it!
Prof C is NHS too but not sure how you get an appt with her this way. I also saw her privately. Xx
Thanks. This is useful to know. I am building up a small "dosier" of potential options, treatments etc. I like to be proactive or maybe just nosy and stubborn🤓
😆
Hi Win,
I agree with what the others have already suggested as coping strategies, but would also advise you to contact Ovacome on their free helpline 0800 008 7054.
I have found them to be friendly and supportive over the years and they will totally understand where you are coming from.
Hope you will find them helpful.
As others have already said, Be kind to yourself and allow all your emotions to spill out when necessary. You are not falling apart or having a breakdown, just reacting naturally to a very traumatic experience.
Love and best wishes, Barbara
Thank you Barb I will contact them Sometimes I think im going nuts😘
No way are you going nuts! As I said previously, you are just reacting naturally to a very stressful situation. Please be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack!
Hope you manage to have a good chat with them.
Love and best wishes,
Barbara x
Win you've got permission to have a meltdown , what you're feeling is normal ,we can only put a front on for so long then we need to let it out ,I lost count of the times I had a meltdown ,my husband went through hell with me ,he used to say I turned into psycho bitch from hell ,but he's still here 😁😁 you're going through such a lot ,emotions are on a roller coaster, so don't beat yourself up ,talk to your husband and tell him to make you a cuppa .
Sending hugs xx
Cheryl .
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