Confidence

Is it just me..... I'm a confident person but since the last recurrence, weight gain and looking old I don't have the confidence to go out anymore, at least not where people know me like the work's Christmas do, in fact I haven't been for the last three years, making an excuse that I have something else on. The fact is I shall leave the office, go home and probably have a little cry on my own that I can't join in anymore. I'm the one who can't where the strappy shoes anymore, the dress etc. Where did that person go? Probably the wrong place to voice this but I thought maybe you ladies would understand? xxx

24 Replies

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  • Hi Katmal, I know exactly how you feel. I didn't go to any of the work Christmas do's for four years after I was first diagnosed. Gradually got my confidence back but now it's rock bottom again . Although for the sake of my husband I am going to his small Christmas do. We both work in the same company but his is separate from the main one for everybody. I used to love getting up dancing all night, now I can only manage a couple before I'm exhausted . This awful illness turns our lives upside down and inside out. Xxxx

  • Hi Chris you got it in one. Hope you are doing ok xx

  • I'm doing ok. Waiting for my next chemo regime which will start January. Hair appointment next week. Think I'll go red before I lose it😁😁

  • I really empathise and sympathise with this. My chemo left me with a permanent peripheral neuropathy which gives me constant pins & needles and tingling in my hands and feet so I can't wear the lovely scrappy heels I was famous for (well amongst my friends and family 😊) I'm sure my feet and back are glad that I'm reduced to sensible flats but I'm not that thrilled. My body shape is different too so fitted dresses are on the wish list but seem doomed to stay there. But, on the upside, I'm still able to do many things because of the surgery and chemo so I constantly count my blessings. You've been on such a traumatic journey and your body has had a proper battering, I so so understand your distress and dissatisfaction but do try to be positive in all that you have gained, easy said I know but there's always an upside. Hope you feel much better very soon and we all understand how you feel ❤️Xx

  • That's understandable. I think we all feel like that at times. You're still you. You e been through so much and deserve to have fun.

    I work in a college but not been at work since June. I went to their Christmas Fayre today and my manager told me I look fatter. She did give me a bottle of prosecco so I might forgive her.

    You are still lovely. You are still you. Please try and go out and enjoy yourself. If you lived close to me you could come out with me. 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

    Thinking of you. Xxx

  • Yes yes and yes I so feel the same ... I loved to go out and dance the night away ... heels 👠 I can't feel my feet so I thought the usual issues of sore feet would be a thing if the last and I could wear them with impunity ,,. They don't hurt st the time but once I took them off pins and needles and really painful cramp. Won't be doing that again ... I feel ugly and unattractive plus drinking my favourite past time lol does no longer agree with me so wine or a cocktail are few and far between...my life is no longer the same and never will be... I want to get back to enjoy what I have now but when you look at yourself in the mirror it's a shock ... my hair and eyebrows are returning but sadly my confidence has not 😳

  • Hi yes know exactly how you feel our confidence takes a real bashing on top of everything we have to deal with, i hope you start to feel better about things soon, try do something nice just for you, sending a big hug

    Karen

    Xx

  • Hi Katmal,

    Just saw your post and I just want to remind you what a special person you are if you were at the Xmas do with your colleagues. After all, you will be the strongest person in that room, you have been fighting this for nine years, not one of them actually knows what you have been through and hopefully won't. Everything that has been thrown at you, you have come out the other side and even stronger. I so understand how you feel about the change in your body but you show them how proud and tough you are that you are still well enough to attend the party. Think of your scars and changes like medals and I hope you find the confidence to be proud.

    I really hope you go and have a great time. You are the same person in your heart that you have always been and if someone makes an unnecessary comment, well that just shows what a sad person they are. Beauty comes from the heart not what we look like, you go show em, we are all behind you, big hugs Gilly

  • Katmal is I became a member after being told i have stage 3 you have been a rock with all your wise words get those strappy shoes in and you go girl xxx

  • As everyone has said..really recognise this feeling. On the outside I am back to my old self a stone heavier and with shorter hair. But inside I feel like I've aged about 100 years...I know too much, I've had to think about my own death up close and personal.

    It's almost like a mild version of PTSD..I could still dance but I just can't right now...I can't be that light hearted. Meh! I don't think I'm depressed..I'm just very very sad.....

    Love to all

    Lyndall

  • Kathy always one of wise words, just want to send you a virtual hug.......

    Thinking of you

    L x

  • Katmal this is the place to say the stuff you may not want to and we all get it here. To be honest I never was one for big partying and have always preferred to go for a walk and pub meal with a small number of people. But I imagine if you did love to party this is hard. At the end of the proverbial day you have made it through a really challenging thing and still are and if you feel a bit lost or lacking in confidence it is always against a backdrop of the amazing thing you have managed to do time and again. It's like a Wonder Woman. / Charlie's Angels outfit is just hanging on your door ready to be put on when you really need it. Hang in there you're a hero, just sometimes you need a bit of support.

    X Netti

  • Hi Katy you are my inspiration I love it when I see your little picture of u as the pilot and I'm always keen to read your comments and words of wisdom!! You have given so many of us confidence and strength! You are amazing go to your party enjoy if you can't wear the heals get some lovely ballet pumps that are sparkly and I'm sure you will have somethings to wear that you feel great in you will look lovely in whatever you wear! Go enjoy urself eat drink and make merry with your warrior head held very high everyone who knows ur story will be in Orr of you! Festive hugs xx

  • I think this hits us now and again, okay we are not the same, we have more aches and pains and we tire easily, I never drank a lot but now I dont drink apart from an odd glass of wine when we go away, Yes I was once healthy but I cant go back. However on the upside I am more confident in some ways and more daring. I have learnt to say no!!!! That is a huge thing for me. This is the first year I havent been on treatment of any kind. The staff party is tomorrow night but as I dont drink I dont see the point in going. I actually have other plans I am going to a gynae conference patient section up the country tomorrow morning and I am going to meet up with my brother who is flying into that area for the weekend. I havent seen my nieces in a few years so it will be nice to catch up. I find as I get older I dont want to go out much at night time anyhow, Katmal there is still time for you to get a dress tomorrow and take out the make up. If you are happier being at home well that is fine too,

  • I've never been one for parties but it seems sad that you would like to go but don't, perhaps spend this year planning what you will wear to next year's do, new extravagant hair style and I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time.

    You've beeen through a lot these nine years and you have an inner strength to do this and enjoy yourself. You are still the same person and you can join in. You don't need strappy shoes to be a joiner-in. It's you that matters.

  • Hi

    I have yet to decide on treatment so cannot relate directly to the body changes you mention. I have however been overweight most of my lift so although I have always worn heels the strappy dress has never featured (especially with my boobs lol) I have always gone out to see people and hopefully they to see me whether I look glam or not.

    Hope you will feel that you are worthy of anyone's time should they be lucky enough to spend time with you.

    Fay

  • Oh Kathy, Oh how much do I relate to your post? Am in so much of a pickle over my weight. I just got some photos back from a Ladies Evening where I had a beautiful dress and full make-up on. All I see in the photos is FAT and this is a night when I was at my best!!

    Two and a half stone overweight on a tiny frame! I'm actually scared of starting to diet as both my diagnosis and recurrence came after dieting. I know it's a coincidence but I am scared of tipping the balance into another recurrence whilst medically doing so well. Then I look at myself in the mirror and don't see me - arghh! Then I beat myself up for being shallow then again for not bring disciplined enough to do something about it. At Christies they told me to keep doing what I'm doing if I'm remaining well!

    I know one thing though - that you are my heroine on this site. I am always encouraged by the success of your treatment and always appreciate your sound advice and kind words to us all. Am sure your work colleagues hold you in very high esteem and would rather have you with them (chunky or not ;)).

    Sandra xx

  • The shoes and dress aren't important - you are. People know you without them. If you'd like to go,go. We miss out on enough things because of this horrid disease without adding to the pile. Try joining in. You might surprise yourself. I always hated works dos in theory but then generally had a good time. Mind you I never did strappy anything so never felt unhappy about that change. I'd change your mind and go and have a bit of bop. You can always leave early because you've got something big on the next day. xx

  • Aw Kathy. Firstly, I'm sending you a huge hug. Please don't cry. 😞. I know exactly how you feel though, I have totally lost confidence in any large gathering. I am fine with a small group of people I know really well and I'm fine with my running friends and ballet friends but anything else is a non starter. I've not gained weight but I just can't do it, it totally freaks me out, the thought of socialising at something like a dinner dance/Christmas party. If you want to go, go but if not try not to fret about it. The person in the heels and strappy dress is still there and in fact possibly an even better person than before!! The people who love you are the people who matter. And you ate a very special person on here.

    Xxx

  • We all so understand! Firstly you are doing so well by just being you,but,I think we all feel the same and less confident in ourselves,but, we should so be the opposite because of all we have been through and there is more to life than appearance,it is so shallow.

    I don't like going out with large crowds of people that knew me before,because I don't want to be judged,but I am quite happy to go out with groups of good friends, or out to concerts and having a good "let your hair down "and dance with people you don't know.

    I'm just trying to say,not well,do what you are happy to do,you will always be fabulous because of what you have been through and know we are all here for you and feeling the same.

    I'm meeting up with friends next week in a pair off leggings and ugg boots,but I will have fabulous hair and make up and fake tan....!!! Xxx

  • I understand. I use to pride myself for dressing nicely and always looking good. Now I am the extremely fatigued 58 year old woman with no eyebrows or eyelashes and grey hair that is 3 inches long. I look in the mirror (when I don't have my wig on) and I'm shocked by what I see. I'm sure looking forward to getting back to some kind of normal, whatever that is going to mean. We've been through a lot t say the least, and we will probably be looking like our old selves at some point. I say go to that Christmas party and have a good time. I am planning on going to mine. I bet your co workers would love to see you there, and they understand you've been through a lot. Kim xo

  • Lovely Lady,

    It's not uncommon to feel this way my special person had a reoccurrence in the summer and it's totally knocked her. My opinion would be to do what I've made her do take 1 step at a time go for a walk every day occasionally visit friends and family eventually you will find your old self but as everything it takes time so please don't let it get you down you will be fine xxxx

  • Hi Katmal

    I've just bought some bright red victoriana style boots with low heels. I love them. Recently I wore a trouser suit with them and attended a ceilidh. I danced in my own way, but I danced. I think I got more compliments on my outfit and how good I looked than I've ever had before.

    I'm not trying to sound smug. I guess I'm saying you don't need heels and a dress or to be the most active person in the room.

    I don't entirely agree with the comments that we're still the same people as pre diagnosis. I'm not. I've got new perspectives and a different attitude. Different does not mean worse. It just means different.

    Have you thought about a personal shopper to help you pick a new outfit that will suit you? Also there are some great flat shoes available these days.

    The person in the dress and heels is still there, but she knows that you can work any outfit just as well, if not better.

    People are generally nice. I can't guarantee that you won't get an insensitive comment at some point. After all alcohol is served at parties! But arm yourself with a few ripostes first. "But I have the most fabulous shoes darling".

    X

  • I don't go out much in the evening as I get so tired. I'm on chemo, low dose taxol weekly now. But I go out in the day if I can. My worst thing is my hair. It's gone thin and sticks up and nothing I can do will keep it flat. I still go out though and remember when I go to the loo and see that I look a fright. It's not going to keep me at home though. I think sometimes to build confidence it's best to just do things, a little at a time. Is there anything that you can do that's halfway? A meal with a few friends maybe? Our looks change all through our lives and I'm sure there are people who look far worse! My hairdresser tells me she has clients who would be glad to have as much hair as I have.

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