Feeling very afraid

[Damelza]

Hello ladies, I start my chemo on Wednesday and I am feeling very afraid/ upset/angry/anxious, you name it, I feel like it. What bothers me most is that my family and including my husband especially, is that they make light of this, and I think I am going to explode or say something I will regret. What can I do?

[Yoshbosh]

Feeling afraid is totally normal. Do you think your husband is making light of it because he's scared too? It's hard for family and friends to really understand what's going on. Have you told him how frightened you are and what your fears are?

Have you both visited the ward where you will have your treatment? That really helped me as I knew what to expect (although it didn't stop me crying for two hours!).

xx

[Damelza in reply to Yoshbosh]

Hello Yosh, No I have not visited the oncology. There was nobody to bring me up at the time to have a look around. To be honest with you, I was glad there was nobody available to see oncology because I seen enough of it with my mum. I know that is stupid, but I dont think it's going to make me feel better.

[Katmal-UK]

Hi I think your husband is making light of it because hes feeling scared too. Its as hard on our loved ones even though we are the ones physically going through it. I recall my first dose of chemo, turning to my nurse, crying and saying I cant do this, Im gonna die anyway so whats the point. She gave me a hug and asked me how did I know I was going to die from the cancer? She said it would all be worth it. I felt sick, angry, anxious, everything you are feeling now . As you can see Im still here nearly 9 years on working full time, despite 2 recurrences. Currently no evidence of disease. I wont lie to you its not easy but you can do this. What you are feeling now is fear of the unknown but you will get through this. Tell your husband how you are feeling and if he still makes light of it, like mine did and sometimes continues to do, understand that he is fearful too. When I had my first recurrence we got out of the hospital, sat in the car and he said im sorry I wasnt gonna do this ..... then sat and cried like a baby. Its hard for them and they are trying not to show their fear. I hope Wednesday goes well for you. Sending you a big hug. Kathy xxx

[Damelza in reply to Katmal-UK]

Thanks Kathy, I read your post yesterday evening but I was too upset to reply. I think they are all fearfull, you are right about that, I think I will be okay when I start. Hugs to you too Kathy xx

[kittie]

Yes you are feeling like we all felt before we started chemo ,it is a journey into the unknown but once you start you will be grand .As for your husband and family I gave my husband the literature on the chemo I was having and the side affects it can cause to read so he had some idea what way I would be affected by the chemo . Kittie

[Damelza in reply to kittie]

I have some litrature that I will give him, and he can read it in his own time.. Thanks Kittie

[Hidden]

Hi i also felt all the things you are feeling but honestly you will get through it, once you get your first one done you will get into a routine and you will know what to expect etc, the chemo nurses are highly trained and very kind. It isn't easy but you can do it, as for your husband he's as scared as you are, my husband tried to keep things light because he saw how scared I was, he was the one who made me laugh and pulled me out of the anxiousness I felt.

It's hard on all of you, stay strong big hugs and let us know how you go

Karen

Xx

[Damelza in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Karen, I have to find my feet in this, dont I

[Janice1963]

All the feelings you are having are normal, your family are probably just as frightened as you are but don't know how to cope with it, so make light of things to try and make you feel better not realising it has the opposite affect.. Stay strong you can do it love Janice x

[HopeP]

I really know how you feel. I was so very scared before my first chemo. I found Penny Brohn cancer care who are only forty minutes or so away from me and they really put things into perspective and calmed me down.

My husband and family were also completely phased by the whole uncertainty of everything to the point that no one really knew what to say. I suspect your family 'making light' of all this is probably because they are anxious for you.

The prospect of the unknown is so scary. Once you have got started with the whole regime it will be much more reassuring because you will be able to talk about and ask questions with nurses and other patients.

Good luck with everything, I will be thinking about you. Xx

[Dollysmum]

My husband was the same. I could have throttled him at times but in truth he does find light in darkness. Of course you're scared. You are entering the realms of the unknown and it is terrifying. But here's the thing; once you have one under your belt you will feel mentally stronger and better able to cope.

I'm trying to adapt to this 'new normal' too having just finished by sixth cycle.

Debsxxx

[HogwartsDK]

Hey Damelza,

I hope everything goes ok for you on Weds, my Chemo day was Weds too!

They are a fab bunch in the Chemo ward so understanding and will help you feel comfortable the minute you walk in the door! As others have said once you get started it will not feel as scary!

Take Care and Good Luck!!!

Dx

[Hidden]

I agree, the thought of starting chemo is really scary. First of all we think of those we know who treatment didnt work for and then we are of course on a slippery slope before we start at all. Its the journey into the unknown and it is okay to be scared and worried. Our families dont show their feelings so that is why it is better to come on here or go talk in through at your Cancer support Centre. I asked my husband some months ago, why didnt he treat me like I was sick, the answer I got was well, you never stay in bed and for me that means you are okay. A reasonable answer from a man I suppose. So you do something nice for yourself before next Weds buy yourself something nice or get out for a spin tomorrow. Being practical, buy some crackers or carrs water biscuits and seven or sprite to flatten if you feel yuck during treatment. When you start treatment and if you get a bad day, its okay to ask the family for help. You will need to ask them to do shopping or hoovering etc. You will also have some good days during treatment and remember the treatment is going to be worth it. Hoping that helps a bit,

[Choski]

I'd have a quiet talk with him and ask him how he really feels and I would also share with him how I felt. It's what I did with my hubby when I was diagnosed - initially whenever I voiced a concern or fear he would immediately say it's going to be all right up maje a little joke... I asked him not to do that as it felt like he was dismissing my fears and thoughts. I asked him just to listen when I voiced those thoughts as I needed to be heard, that really worked for us both. I also asked him to be open and honest with me about his fears - that helped us both. I wasn't (and aren't) scared too often but I needed to be heard and understood when I was

Have a chat with him, hopefully it will help

Don't bottle it in

Take care

Clare x

[Nesie237]

It might be some denial on their part. As the other ladies say, be honest and tell especially your husband how frightened you are. Take care, Nesie237

[AnnmasonKey]

Your husband thinks that making light of the situation will convince you it`s not serious enough to worry about. It`s a way, he believes, to comfort you, to ease your anxiety by minimizing what`s going on.

Plus, let`s face it, men just aren`t as deep as women; they try and fix things, not discuss what they do not know how to repair. Of course he`s scared, but he does not see how sharing that will make you feel better.

I would tell your family that nobody knows what to expect, and that`s OK, so let`s all take it one step at a time. But, right now, you are terrified and need them to listen.

Nothing you feel has not been felt before; and your friends here have gone through it. So have our families. You, and they, are not alone.

[thehusband]

When my wife was diagnosed and all through treatment I was scared stiff but I mostly kept my fears to myself. I was always afraid that my wife would sense my fear and become (even more) afraid herself, than I know she already was.

So for most of her treatment I tried to pretend to her that whilst it was a pain in the proverbial, she would get through it, and if she lost her hair think what she would save on hair products and hairdressers!

So it's likely your family are doing the same, but deep down they are most likely as scared as you are. It's kinda like if you don't think about it then it will be ok, just a coping mechanism.

Good luck with your treatment.

[Mitou]

I felt exactly the same, but after about 25 min in, with my kids holding my hands, I stated to relax and nurses ran around me doing check after check..I felt so relieved when the day was over...and I KNOW both my children were probably more nervous than me...as they kept saying; this is a breeze mum, you can do this and made funny jokes... 6 months later, after 6 chemos, I was told I am in clinical remission.. Good luck. Feeling worried is totally normal.....

[Cre27]

Both you and your family will be ok. Excellent comments above from all the other ladies and gentlemen. Talk and keep talking to each other and all the other support counsellors that you will discover are available to you and your family. The chemo nurses are wonderful and once you have started you will find that inner strength that we all do to get you through. Hubby is also scared and frightened too and is unsure as yet how best to support you. Wishing you all the best and sending lots of virtual hugs xx

[Martina18]

Echo many of the above sentiments. I was rewriting my will (mentally anyway, had no strength to actually do it) going into chemo. I was scared beyond words and thought I would not survive this disease very long. I took mega Ativan and also let the Benadryl help relax me through the first cycle and all the others! My hubby stayed with me and I know was bothered out of his skull but kept saying the doctor got it all, it'll be fine when we did not know that at all, later on the surgeon said there were probable micromets that hadn't shown on the CT and I was also high grade. The day after the first chemo I felt pretty good and thought "oh, this won't be so bad" and then a day later, it HIT. Horrible body pains, nausea, fatigue, GI issues. Take everything they give you to counteract effects. And then of course you need the anti-constipation meds to counteract the effects of those drugs. Get yourself a good notebook to keep track of everything, I could not remember what I took when otherwise. After the first cycle, I was crying on the phone to my onco nurse that no way was I going to make it through and she was not that sympathetic so next cycle I spoke to a social worker and switched nurses. It got easier in some ways as I went along and more difficult in others, You will get into a routine but the effects become somewhat cumulative, but you will have good days/weeks. I started to view it as a marathon that I WOULD finish. And you will too, with fears as well as strength that will emerge when you need it. Recommend book: If Joan of Arc Had Cancer. Available on Amazon. Touches on the range of experience we go through. I'm still here 2 1/2 years after chemo ended. And never did get around yet to rewriting the will. Fingers crossed. Hugs.

[Damelza]

Thank you all so much for the words of comfort, but also your experiences, as it is good to know that all these feelings that I am having at the moment are normal..

[Caroles1]

Oh take it from me people make light of it because they don't want to transmit what they really feel,I think it is really difficult for friends and familly to tell you how they really feel because they want to support you and you not worry about them.

Don't take it personally, just go along with it, keep your own council and focus on what is important for you.

It will all be fine and you will come out the other side, we all do,

Love Carole xxx