How do you cope with other people`s attitudes towards you?

Hi girls,

I so relate to all of your posts and even though I do all the things you ladies have suggested and more besides. I never think why me or why my family because there are so many other people worse off and I don`t see myself any more important or special than anyone else. I am 53 now, my own mother passed away from OC on her 47th birthday, compared to her I have had an extensive life and have been part of family things she missed out on. I aslo have to think like that regards to my daughters who are aged 31 and 27, they are both married and have children. My brother and I was only 16 and 19 when we lost our mum, she wasn`t around for us when we married and had our children.

To be a grandmother and part of that life is truly awesome and I feel truly blessed. When I feel well enough I knit and sew and keep myself busy.

I also had two friends who died suddenly from brain hemorages, they were both young 47 and 48, this was devestating, they both left teenage kids to cope with it. So yes indeed I do feel very lucky.

However, its still difficult to feel positive all of the time and like anyone else I have my down days or a wobble every now and again.

My biggest problem and one of the hardest things to deal with is how much my parent in-laws talk about old age being such a bad thing. They constantly moan about old age and more than once my F-I-L has told me its no fun being old - I want to scream at him "as if cancer is", he complains about his general aches and pains as if "chemo is a walk in the park" or "living with the pains of a muscle disease as well as". He never THINKS before he speaks. He has said to me several times since my cancer "Don`t get old girl", I never say anything but these comments really do up set me. I think he is cruel beyond any doubt at all.

Now he has a friend of his who is struggling with his terminal cancer. He seems to take delight in talking about him and his suffering, do I really want to hear this? Yesterday, he even told me "his friend won`t make old bones", he is 83 years old!!!!!!!!!!!

Whenever I see the parents in-laws I come home depressed and I have sleepless nights etc. I don`t expect people to pussy foot around me, too afraid to talk but this feels cruel beyond any doubt. How can I put a stop to it? because one of these days I fear I will have an outbirts and blow a gasgitt!!!!

Love from Tina xxxx

8 Replies

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  • Blimey Tina! I dont know HOW you haven't already blown a gasket! What a dreadful, thoughtless way for your FIL to carry on. You must feel like strangling him at times, just to shut him up. Have your asked your husband to have a word with his parents, although I get the impression they're too insensitive to understand anyway. Obviously I dont know the circumstances in which you have to see them, or how often, but if I were you I think I'd steer well clear of them and if you cant do that for whatever reason then have a darned good yell at them if they persist with their comments. Remember, we belong to the BBFC Rant Club (see my blog) and that doesn't have to be confined to these pages or be directed at the disease itself. Your FIL is a prime candidate for an earful in my opinion.

    Go give 'em hell Tina!

    Love Patsy x

  • Oh Tina

    You might have opened a can of worms here! My elderly parents have come out with some real corkers - They don't want my husband's second wife to have their money. Rings promised to Grandsons because I won't be around to wear them. But I know they love me and care. I just take the view that with age comes an inability to see life from anyone else's point of view but their own. They become more child like in that respect.

    You are lucky in that you can really appreciate being a Grandmother because you are well aware what the alternative is. That is a gift of sorts. Don't let them spoil it.

    Love Sarah

  • Hi Tina,

    I find my Mother-In-Law is the only person I find hard to be around. I am sure she doesn't mean to be insensitive but I find her so. I gave an example in a similar thread a few days ago. At the moment I am not so good physically, so I am only going to see my own Mum, everything else is on hold - including seeing my Mother-In-Law. My hubsand sees her each week still, which is important, but I am beyond accomodating her comments. I don't know how much time I have left, but it ain't going to be spent with people who p|ss me off.

    LOL!

    Love Lizzie

    X

  • I know what you all mean. And insensitive remarks come from the most unlikely quarters. The only time i get really annoyed is when a friend, who is very caring and who has been in my life a long time, insists on asking how i am and whether i am in pain etc and them proceeds to match everything i say with a comment about how she has the same problems - all bought on by old age. I don't know whay it upsets me and as i don;t want to lose a very long standing friend i cant bring myself to challenge hei. I think it is her way of dealing with terminal illness. Her partner died of cancer 11 years ago so she has lived very close to it - and we think that this time round she doesn't know how to cope.

    On the other hand i have been amazed, and felt very blessed, by the number of friends of all ages who make to effort to keep in touch and to visit us, and have deal with the 'c' subject with skill and tact. Manyi am now meeting for the first time this year and I am obviously weaker and slower. But , for example, in the last 7 days two young couples have asked to drop in on separate occasions as 'they were passing' and ewanted to introduce us to new babies. They turned up with lunch, let us play host and play with the babies, cleared up and went away hoping that we can visit them soon. If not they will be back. They didn't avoid the 'c' word or asking how i was coping - but kept the atmosphere light and happy. I keep asking myself what I have done to deserve such kindness and friendship from all ages.

    love Angela

  • Hi Tina!

    Try telling your F-i-L "chance would be a fine thing" next time he makes a crass remark like that!

    My ex Ma in Law died in 1998 but she was a cow and would have been like that. I too find other people hard to handle. Luckily it is"friends" who are tactless, I make no effort to accommodate their sensitivities and tend to sound much blunter and harder than I really feel. Shocking them at least keeps them away from me. I don't suppose that is an option with family so you may have to resort to shock tavtics. Have you tried brsting into tears and screaming? Try a bit of method acting, after all you probably have all the feelings tactfully held in check, just let rip and enjoy the results!

    Even if you decide against a full blown bout of hysteria a well engineered "burst into tears" could work wonders and produce results. You could also try casual offf the cuff remarks about "when I die", prepare envelopes labelled "to be opened after my death" and leave them lying around when the inlaws come. Talk about the funeral you would like and going to the solicitors to make a new will, etc! They'll aoid you like the plague! Actually they are probably finding your illness hard to handle!

    I handle tactless friends with tasteless jokes. I am well known as a control freak and my body goes to medical education & research so if I really want to shut people up I tell them some of the stories the med students of my youth told me when I was helping them revise for anatomy & physiology vivas. Interesting that shade of green! LOL!

    Chin up!

    Love M

  • Treat the inlaws like the cancer! Go on the offensive! Meanwhile enjoy your grandchildren. Mine are a delight! They know about my cancer and are so caring!

    Maybe next time F in L is so tactless you could ask him what kind of funeral he wants and tell him he'll have to hurry if he wants you to be around to organse it for him! On second thoughts that might be going a bit far but just thinking it might cheer you up a bit!

    Laughing at him could also produce shocked silence!

    Love M

  • Tina, you must be a vey controlled person to keep your temper, you should be proud of yourself. keep up the good work. love Sue x

  • Thank you girls so much,

    Your comments have truly up lifted my spirits.

    I could write a book about my in-laws, would you like your eyes opened further?

    My M-I-L celebrated her 80th birthday on the eve of one of my chemo sessions, I had not only been wired up to drugs for over 5 hours but had a 120 mile round trip that day to and from the hospital in the middle of winter.

    A friend sat in with me, while hubby showed his face at the party. He was home within 20 minutes, he wouldn`t tell me what was the matter but my friend and I knew something must have kicked off. It took over a week before hubby told me - aparaently my Brother-in-law thought "I should have made the effort to be there."

    I calmly deleted them from my face book - that was all!

    within seconds my S-I-L sent me a private message asking why I had just deleted her. Trying to be tactful and trying real hard to avoid a confrontation, she pushed too many of my buttons. Eventually,I let rip and told her what I thought to her arse hole of a husbands comments. I said a lot of things actually - you could say on that occasion I did not stay in control, I said a lot of things that had been tormenting me for months. Like, how not one member of the family had offered to do anything for us, her husband or her hadn`t even picked up the phone to ask how we were, nothing, not Jack shite! AND then the idiot comes out with a stupid comment like he did. My blood just boiled!

    I also added that we had been making a huge effort to continue to do the parents

    weekly shopping in bwetween my treatments and in spite of the cancer.

    I still have the reply I sent - if you fancy a read of the copy, it could be enlightening to say the least, LOL!!!!!!!!

    Two weeks later exactly (why it took him so long I have no ruddy idea,but it did) I recieve a really nasty FB message from my neaphew, Again it was sent on the day of my next chemo. I didn`t respond I simply blocked the whole lot of them off my FB. and they remain blocked to this day.

    I never had an apology but S-I-L and neaphew act as though nothing has happened between us now, all I can say they may have had plenty of time to think about things and time does heel as they say. But B-I-L is still giving us the silent treatment but hay ho, I can live with that, LOL!!!!!!!!

    Also the one time and I say one time because this was indeed one time only

    _ The parents-in-laws came to visit, I was laid on the sofa in PJ`s and dressing gown with blanket wrapped over me, sick with chemo and as balled as a cute,Looking as though I`d just been let out of Awoutswitch (sorry spelling) I`m sure you get the picture.

    F-I-L sat himself down on one of the cream leather chairs in filthy trousers and he was still wearing his filthy gardening shoes on our brand new cream carpet.

    Trying to keep my sence of humour I laughed and told him not to let his son catch him wearing his mucky shoes on the new carpet because the master of the house doesn`t even enter the room in his house slippers, LOL! which was very true at the time.

    Well, F-I-L went balistic, now you have to try real hard here to find the imagine.

    Remember he is in his 80`s, had 2 hip operations so a bit slow and not too clever at bending over. He leans forward towards his feet and makes an attempt to take off his shoe.

    Our house is open planned so get the picture as he struggles to take one shoe off and throw it in his temper. He failed and the ruddy thing fell to his feet. But he was in such a rage and this wasn`t helping, he took three attempts before he actually suceeded to throw it far enough to satisfy him, it skimmed the top of the table, just missed the floweres and landed in between the window and the dining room chair. It went hirling in the air about 24 feet. Would you have laughed?

    Yay, I shouldn`t have done that!!!! The next thing he was struggling with the second shoe and it joined the first one after bouncing off the window I may add.

    M-I-L, never said a word, not one single fuffing word. I`m not sure if she was cross with me for winding him up or embaressed with her husbands behaviour - maybe both. But this wasn`t all - it was what came out of his mouth, He said "I`ll fucking go home home in a minute", they had only just arrived I may add, LOL!!!

    This was words from an 83 year old man and that generation expect us to have respect for them.

    I also need to add that up to the time my brother-in-law offended me about NOT making an effort for the old people, My husband and I did all their weekly shopping on a Saturday. Oh yes me in my wigs with slap on and looooooking goooood, if you know what I mean!!!!

    We haven`t been doing the shopping since then - obviously the family must have had a guilt trip or something, think the S-I-L does it now?????????????

    None of my husbands family are aware that I am having a double mastectomy this year - I`m not so sure I want them to know about it either.

    Oh and I haven`t told you about the summers day, we delivered their ruddy shopping, hadn`t even stepped foot in the house before we are approached with a list of things to do. I made a point by taking off the wig - it was awfully hot and I was having a hoprmaonal melt down too. F-I-L had the ordasity to tell me to put it back on because he said he couldn`t bare to look at me. Nasty f-----!

    But girly`s you mark my words, he sin`t doing himself any favours because my husband takes notice and it is driving him away in love if not in spirit.

    Sad stories really, I am clueless why it needs to be this way, but the old git will never change his spots.

    Thanks again girls will look forward to some more of your comments.

    Love you ladies take care and have a hug on me

    From Tina xxxxxxxxx sorry its ANOTHGER loooong post!

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