so warning . this post contain something sexual and may trigger some people
so i am 18 year old now. when i was around 13 or 14 i was involved innocent sexual experimentation with my sibling who is way younger than me. (no one was harmed)
i didn't know what i was doing then was a crime or wrong. i didn't even remembered about it until 2 months ago. i got real event ocd and all i can imagine about is that incident and felt immese guilt and shame and even considered several times to kill myself.
i am not rich and was not able to afford a theraphy . so what i did was just telling myself that i forgive myself.
some how the guilt and shame reduced a lot after 2 months of suffering in silence
after this incident around after a week i was at church . i saw a girl who is probably 13 or 14.
after i saw her, i don't any kind of arousal or anything like that. but my brain started to question my self as a phedophile . my head started to pain like hell. i didn't knew what to do. the images of me doing something to a young child and ending up in jail is keep on repeating in my head. i know i am fully into grown women and i will not do any acts like that even if i want to give my life instead. but my brain is not accepting the fact and keep on telling me that i am a phedophile and i am attracted to them and one day i will hurt them . because of this thoughts, i really started to feel disgusted and is suffering from huge guilt and shame.
i woul really appreciate if any one have any opinion on this
thankyou somuch if you read till this
Written by
messida10
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Read over your own post. Notice anything? Like the little word 'innocent'? Because that was what it was. And, as you say, no one was harmed.
Kids do these things. Kids copy adult behaviour as a sort of practice for when they're adults themselves. I'm not suggesting that kids should actually be having real sex, but a lot of kids play at it, because they're curious and want to learn about it before they start doing the real thing.
This sort of fear that you might be a paedophile is quite a common form of OCD. But the very fact that you are worried about being a paedophile is a pretty good indication that you aren't one.
The images that play in your head are just your imagination going wild. They're not something that you would really do.
If a therapist is out of the question for you, then why not try a self help book? There are plenty out there dealing with OCD. Perhaps try to get one that deals with your worries around paedophilia. Make sure any you choose use CBT, or cognitive behavioural therapy, techniques. A couple of good general self help books are Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and The OCD Workbook.
Part of the therapy involves being able to accept the intrusive thoughts and images rather than pushing them away. Letting them in reduces their power over you. The more you push them away the more they bounce back. It's like they thrive on the attention. Learning not to push them away means they get fed up and leave you alone!
I'm new to understanding OCD in general but in POCD, apparently stuff like this is pretty common. It eats at your mind, reminding you of every thing that you may feel guilty about and tries to make connections to have you believing you are a horrible person.
I don't want to be reassuring (because apparently we aren't supposed to do that) but the simple fact that this is causing you such distress, means that you are suffering with OCD.
Forgive yourself for these moments and thoughts and try to look for a specialist.
I am going through the same thing as u so you're not alone. Just a few months ago I remembered something I did when I was 14, I don't think I realized what I was doing either. All I can remember is I acted out certain gestures but I didn't mean them because I know I wasn't aroused. But it hurts because I still did the gestures. With OCD its even more difficult.. But I'm trying to cope. Hope u feel better and hopefully u can find a therapist, I'm looking for one too.
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