pocd and real event ocd and intrusive thoughts

[messida10]

so warning . this post contain something sexual and may trigger some people

so i am 18 year old now. when i was around 13 or 14 i was involved innocent sexual experimentation with my sibling who is way younger than me. (no one was harmed)

i didn't know what i was doing then was a crime or wrong. i didn't even remembered about it until 2 months ago. i got real event ocd and all i can imagine about is that incident and felt immese guilt and shame and even considered several times to kill myself.

i am not rich and was not able to afford a theraphy . so what i did was just telling myself that i forgive myself.

some how the guilt and shame reduced a lot after 2 months of suffering in silence

after this incident around after a week i was at church . i saw a girl who is probably 13 or 14.

after i saw her, i don't any kind of arousal or anything like that. but my brain started to question my self as a phedophile . my head started to pain like hell. i didn't knew what to do. the images of me doing something to a young child and ending up in jail is keep on repeating in my head. i know i am fully into grown women and i will not do any acts like that even if i want to give my life instead. but my brain is not accepting the fact and keep on telling me that i am a phedophile and i am attracted to them and one day i will hurt them . because of this thoughts, i really started to feel disgusted and is suffering from huge guilt and shame.

i woul really appreciate if any one have any opinion on this

thankyou somuch if you read till this