Hi guys, I'm a 23 year-old man living with Asperger's Syndrome, as well as clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder, as well as formally undiagnosed (yet abundantly apparent, as another comorbidity of ASD) obsessive-compulsive-disorder. At the moment, I feel like I'm in a good emotional place where I can finally say I've beaten the pure-'O' manifestation that began nearly two years ago, as a result of an emotional breakdown (that I've since fully overcome) caused by a difficult first year of undergraduate study.
Yet, as the title of this post suggests, I'm having trouble just letting one final, nagging intrusive thought go. So, in October 2012 when I was 14, during a Wednesday afternoon rehearsal for my school's production of 'Oliver Twist!', I remember approaching my friend Anya (also 14), who was with me as well as half-a-dozen staff members and assorted kids in the main hall. From there, I remember going up behind her, while she was standing at the lectern, fiddling around on the computer, searching for something. I know intuitively that I never groped her buttocks, breasts, private parts, or anything like that (nor was that my intention, then or ever). I put my arms around either sides of her shoulders and gave her a hug, and she smiled, saying something to the effect of, ''Oh, hey love!''.
Then, I hugged her again, and (as far as I can remember), I walked away out into the cafeteria. As I'm typing this, it seems so silly to be making a post about this, as my experience with pure-'O' has luckily been one wherein getting reassurance from my closest friends/family members, or the person in question who I think I've 'wronged' is typically enough for my brain to dismiss it. This is because the OCD can't then contort their honesty into anything else, as I know they wouldn't lie to me. I've also found sporadically popping up on here under different usernames extremely helpful during periods of extreme stress, just to gauge an impartial view.
What my brain is trying to contort that interaction with Anya (that lasted less than a minute, maximum) into is one in which I dry-humped, ejaculated or otherwise physically violated her; none of which I remember wanting to do or doing. While I certainly found her physically attractive because of her breasts (as most boys are conditioned to do, I guess), at age 14, I had a tentative understanding of what constituted sexual assault, and would innately never want to touch anyone who didn't want to be touched.
She was fine with me for the rest of our work on the production, I was never worried/ashamed at all, I never spoke to anyone, least of all myself about it (as I often do to organize my thoughts). Her twin sister was never disgusted with me, and we'd often speak normally. Anya herself gave me a Christmas card two months later in December, that I distinctly remember saying ''You're kind, sweet, and fabby-tabby-tastic!''. In addition, whenever I saw her around town in the summer of 2017, I wouldn't feel guilt or anything, it'd just sometimes be thinking, ''Oh, I don't want to have to make small-talk with someone from high-school''. She'd be with her boyfriend, and she'd always wave, and/or say, ''Hey love!''. That year, she also wished me a 'Happy Birthday' in November, when I turned 20.
I have dry-humped people three times before, but in all cases it was solicited by the other person. The first time was at 19, by a 32 year-old lady at a gig. Then at another gig while 19 by a 20-ish lady (who I consented to, but then became suddenly panicky towards as I worried that I might be making her uncomfortable, so I quickly stopped after a few seconds - she then looked back at me, looking confused as to why I'd stopped so abruptly). Finally, at 21, while with a lady (20) I had then recently began dating, and whom I approached in a similar way to Anya, with simply a hug from behind (not expecting anything); it was then she who started grinding her backside into me, which I consented to.
Fast forward to the stress of lock-down last July, and as you can imagine, when this mental image of me doing such a thing to Anya came into my head, I was distraught. I messaged her on Facebook, and was terrified to get her response. She was totally bewildered, and didn't have any recollection of me doing this, which made me feel lots better. As I said before, since I'm now on the cusp of beating this pure-'O' forever and am in a much healthier space, I just feel this 'what if' is still frustrating me; needlessly, I know. After reading a Guardian article about a new development in the awful Harvey Weinstein case in August, I was triggered into apologizing again - this time, for 'pushing my pelvis inside her or for it touching her bum' (see how the OCD thought will contort itself into being slightly different, each time). She said; ''Dec, honestly, it's fine. You didn't put anything in me, you gave me a hug from behind. It was years ago! Don't worry about it, you're good''.
The rational side of my brain (which is slowly conquering the ridiculously anxious irrationality of OCD) tells me that with this evidence, and also knowing my intentions at the time, and knowing how she dealt with me ever since, tells me I didn't do it. I know I should (and do) believe her, as she wouldn't lie. I know I'm not like Weinstein, or that horrible men who traumatized Daisy Coleman, or any one of my close female friends' assailants. I know that I'm an over-worrier who has deeply-held feminist values and is a good person, yet I just need an impartial voice to weigh in, I guess.
What do you think?
Mothers day and miserable!
OCD and loss of too much weight, very anxious and depressed
Light at the end of the tunnel!