Hi, I have been stressed lately and have developed a late night fear that my 20 year old daughter who is staying with us would go out late in the evening, forget or lose her keys and get herself locked out and we'd fail to hear doorbell ringing and wake up to let her in out of the cold. She goes to bed early and closes her door so I think is she really in there? I replay when I last saw her eg going upstairs, brushing her teeth or whatever over and over again to try to reassure myself that she's safely in her bedroom but the more I do that the more doubtful and anxious I become, It's ridiculous because we're locked down so she can't go out socially anyway but my OCD seems to want 100% proof that she's in there and safe. I've tried locking the front door early in the evening so I could see if anyone had gone out and taken it off the latch and that should be the 100% proof but even that no longer stops the worry. Can anyone suggest anything?
Child Safety OCD: Hi, I have been stressed... - OCD Support
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Child Safety OCD
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It's easy enough to argue that your daughter at 20 is an adult and doesn't need monitoring, but that doesn't stop you feeling this way! A parent is always a parent, no matter how old their children are! My mother continued to treat me as if I was about six long after I was grown up when it came to telling me to be careful crossing the road and all that!
I'm afraid that OCD does want 100% proof and then more. and is not satisfied no matter how much proof it gets. CBT can help with that. Perhaps go slowly with accepting less than 100% in stages.
Try for say a week with not locking the front door. Then move onto something else, like not trying to remember when you heard her brushing her teeth. Try that for a week, and so on.
The likelihood is that if she did lock herself out, she would phone you from outside the door or phone a friend or neighbour.
But remember that there are plenty of people, including young people, who live on their own and manage not to lock themselves out of their homes! And if they do, they cope one way or another.
Resist the temptation to put in place more precautions. They only feed the OCD, as OCD won't be satisfied. If it were possible to keep your daughter locked in her bedroom in chains OCD would still have a way of getting to you!
Thank you for your excellent advice Sallyskins, I've made my daughter a priority caller on my phone so that she could call me even when my phone is on 'Do not Disturb' at night which I think is sensible anyway and will reassure me. You have helped me understand that I must gradually reduce pandering to the OCD or risk feeding it so I'll do that.
A technic that helps me a lot and which I learnt on CBT is naming your obsession as what it is, OCD, not a sensible fear. It sounds like your OCD has taken the shape of a horrible fear that your daughter must be in some sort of danger. When the obsession appears, before doing anything (such as checking your daughter is okay) repeat yourself inside your head the following phrase: “This is not me, this is just my OCD. I don’t believe my daughter is in danger. What is happening right now is that I’m experiencing an obsession, the obsession of thinking that she is not ok and the compulsion of having to check that she is ok”. It is very important that you repeat those words in your head over and over again every time you realise the OCD is active. Over time this practice should help you stop the compulsion as you’ll realise that checking on your daughter it’s irrational since deep inside you know she is safe and the thought of she suffering is just that, a thought.
Thank you for this helpful strategy. I tried it last night and it really helped!
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