Hi, I have in the past had cognitive behavior therapy for G.A.D/contamination o.c.d. Sometimes I am o.k and can feel relaxed not obsessive, at other times I am mildly affected where I can hide my symptoms. Then I have other days feeling stressed and 'brain full'. I noticed I often seem to be worse a week before I am due on my period so can help myself manage my feelings. Sometimes though, it comes on all of a sudden and I have to act. I have many triggers. Mostly chemical/toxic but also bodily fluids sometimes germs. I try and help myself with angel cards, tarot, crystals but sometimes I still have to wash everything/throw stuff away/avoid things.
My family is affected (I cant stay in the kitchen when my husband is cooking, what I don't see won't hurt me and if I do see and comment he just tells me it's fine and 'go away!') and I don't want my daughter growing up with my issues even though I am always telling her to wash her hands or not touch stuff. What is hard is knowing that some things that I get concerned about is a genuine concern but it is often looked upon as not important because it is probably 'just me been stupid with anxiety'. I feel very complex and don't tell many people that I suffer with this in case they stop taking me seriously.
Today I am having to wash my jacket, all other coats that were hung up with my jacket. My bedding and pillows and pajamas and towels that I have used and have had to intense shower because a friend gave me something for my daughter in a carrier bag. But later she told me that she had sprayed fly spray in her house. I had held the bag, sat with it rubbing against my jacket, pushed my hair behind my ears, my hair was thus contaminated as well as my jacket I was wearing - onto sleeping and my hair rubbing on the bedding etc. Also all the clothes I was wearing and I had to wipe down my mobile phone because I used that too and the place where I put the phone will need wiping etc. It is exhausting but I know I will feel better after doing this. But I cant tell husband that this is what I'm doing or why because he will be annoyed. In my head though fly spray residue will be on everything and if we touch it and then rub our eyes or put finger in mouth or touch something that food may go on/kettle switch, then this residue will transfer to us. I haven't given my daughter the present yet. I will wash it first and the bag that it was in is now in a big bin bag with the gift resting in there too so it wont contaminate any other surface.
Phew. As you can guess the cards didn't help today this contamination is too real and overrides it. I'll probably be o.k tomorrow though at the moment in my head it is panicky/intense and needs the check list completing.
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chaoticbag
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Hi chaoticbag- I know exactly what you are going through as I have contamination OCD too. I agree with your remark about somethings are a genuine concern but others don’t give it a thought. That is what is hard for me to overcome and change my thinking on. I also agree with “what you don’t see won’t hurt you”. Actually that statement is kind of what sums up all our irrational OCD fears! We just worry too much about our thoughts. Anyway- just wanted to let you know that I know your train of thoughts. The contamination spreads to so many things it gets overwhelming.
Thank you! It's good to know that someone understands what is in my head without dismissing it! That contamination spreads to so many things it gets overwhelming is true. Sometimes I have to retrace my steps, so to speak, and clean EVERYTHING!! In some cases I just have to trust that I have done all I can realistically do and then trust that I/family is protected. Like for instance, I know my head/hair has touched the settee/car seat (I can't start scrubbing away at those surfaces without drawing comment) and before I knew what my friend had done, I had touched stuff in other buildings ( I can't remember everything I touched so I cant clean that), goodness knows what my friend has actually touched/contaminated too! (without even being aware that there could be an issue) I have to put brakes on and know my limits of what I can do and what I can 'put right'. I do have some mantra's that I repeat to try and help... -This too shall pass-. -We are blessed and protected-. -Has anything you have worried about in the past ever actually happened?-.
-Is this just a 'might be' situation?-.
Maybe what I am going through at the moment is totally irrational but my brain will not accept it!
To my knowledge nothing I have ever worried about has happened. I know that but still think that this time is different and taking the risks is soo hard for me- it’s so much easier at times to just avoid, wash, whatever to get through it but I know that by doing this the OCD will never go away. It’s a constant worry. I’ve been doing this (compulsions) for over 30 years so trying to challenge my behaviors is hard. I have had some tiny successes that show me how ERP can really help- I just have to challenge myself more. You mentioned that you have had some CBT in the past- did that help you? I have worked with a Therapist but have difficulty following through on homework at home. I know my life would be so much easier if I could fight harder.
Also you mentioned “might be situation” which is exactly how I always interpret situations. In my mind there is always a possibility that what I believe i.e germs, etc could happen but that is where living with the uncertainty comes in to play with battling this OCD. We have to learn to live with the uncertainty and for me that is what is the hardest.
Gosh! I so understand that about 'this time might be different, is it worth taking the risk!' I do challenge myself sometimes, and sometimes it works, sometimes I last for an hour or two... CBT worked to some extent and for a while I felt like I was maybe 'better' (doing the homework is hard, you do it, but there's that thought, what if they are wrong about this/ am I doing it right?) but other issues came into focus like the germs faded to some extent but then broken glass raised it's head and council weed killer (they spray it where people walk!) and I became aware of the dangers of cleaning products and the dangers of other things so my focus sort of shifted. Some of the things I learnt from the CBT helped some but not all the times so it feels like I am varied and complex and not 'one size fits all'. I did contemplate medication and I have a vague memory of taking something for a week or two, but for whatever reason either I stopped or the doctor took me off it. I honestly can't remember properly what it was and I know I should really, I mean its to do with my health! I feel that If I am stronger I would be better too!
It's certainly the case that for women, OCD follows the menstrual cycle. I've had that too! Some months worse that others.
Best to get rid of the crystals, tarot cards and other junk. It really is junk. It just messes with your head, like OCD does. That's my opinion, anyway!
It's such a hidden illness, OCD, as it's difficult to explain and there are still people who either don't know what it is, or think it's a trivial illness. I think just about everyone who has OCD has done the hiding thing.
It's good of you to try to minimize the impact of your OCD on your daughter and husband. Family and friends often are drawn into our rituals, and inconvenienced by them too! It's something we try to hide from them, basically because we don't want to annoy them. Perhaps explain your OCD to your daughter gradually, as much as she can understand, that it sounds silly but it's an illness.
I've had the contamination problem as well, but mine hasn't been as extreme as some. But it's so exhausting washing everything down carefully and then trying not to 'contaminate' it again, so I know how you feel. To be honest, though fly spray isn't something you want to ingest, in the quantities it's likely to be in from ordinary domestic use it isn't likely to be harmful. But knowing that doesn't always make a difference to OCD!
CBT does make a difference, so if you are not getting it, do ask about it, and maybe get a referral from your doctor.
Actually, what you have said seems to have shoved my brain into thinking its maybe not that bad. ''though fly spray isn't something you want to ingest, in the quantities it's likely to be in from ordinary domestic use it isn't likely to be harmful'' It would be trace amounts on the bag/gift...(That is if in fact they were actually in the room she sprayed) lesser amount transferred to me...even less to other objects. I maybe didn't have to wash the bedding after all and everything else :$
I haven't washed the jackets yet though so I think I'll wait until tomorrow and see if the 'doom' feeling lessens and if so, not wash them...Though even as I'm writing this i'm justifying it to myself..'they could do with a wash anyway to freshen them up, they've not been done for ages.'
I suppose this is where I have to be strong and use my CBT training!
I do that a lot, making excuses for doing OCD rituals! So do wash them if they actually need it, but if you can manage not to, that is a victory against OCD!
I washed my jacket but not any of the others. I had an overwhelming urge to wipe the inside of the car door (where the bag was also against, jammed between me and the door,) but I resisted. Although I get the frisson of panic because we are part exchanging our car on Friday and someone else might touch where this bag was, it might be little kids who then put their fingers in their mouth. I just have to think that I don't know where anything has been or who has touched it or what their life routine holds so I just have to let this go now. I can imagine people saying it'll be fine, don't worry about it.
It's all about the 'might' isn't it.
When we go to empty the car I'm going to give it a wipe with a huggies. I can't let this one go because of that 'might'.
The door was wiped, my mind is at ease and I'm almost over the 'episode'. I haven't washed my daughters gift yet, I'll do that when I clean the bathroom. But I don't feel overwhelmed with panic about it just a mild concern now.
phew!
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OCD sufferer for many years
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