My daughter was ment to be going to nottinham with her boyfriend. We do the normal 4 90° washes before she will use the washing machine. Well I screwed up and putvit on 75° without checking. So I'm the worst parent again for being a thick shit. Her words not mine.
She's had a melt down and I can understand why but it just leaves me feeling tearful and unhappy but I'm told I have no reason to be upset as I only feel sorry for myself and how I feel with no consideration for how she feels x
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It really sounds like a severe case of OCD. Mine has been severe enough, but your daughter really needs urgent treatment.
Try not to take the abuse she dishes out to you to heart, though it must hurt, particularly as you have only done your best for her, not to mention having your own life restricted. It isn't her being a bad person, it's just that OCD makes her angry and frustrated.
I know how having to take responsibility for myself has helped me. There is no one to run around after me so it has forced me to deal with the OCD. Family and friends have been very supportive and patient, but I can't rely on them to do everything for me.
I know it's difficult to withdraw your co-operation with your daughter's OCD as you don't want to upset her, but the more she gets away with the more the OCD will have a free run.
It's a difficult situation to be in. Doing things for your daughter and allowing her OCD to dominate your life as well as hers gives her no incentive to improve. Not doing that distresses her enormously. Don't on any account blame yourself either way.
Perhaps a stay in hospital could help. As I've said, I've found a gentle and encouraging way of tackling the OCD more effective than an aggressive one, and this is what I encountered at Springfield Hospital.
I do feel for your daughter as I know how distressing OCD is, but I also feel for you. I'm sure she knows what she is putting you through but the OCD is so in control that she can't help it.
Is there any way she would agree to drawing up a plan for treatment in conjunction with you and her therapist, so you could be involved in her treatment? It could at least establish some ground rules for her behaviour. x x x
Thanks for your support.
I thought she had been making some progress as she's been telling me how she is trying to reduce the amount of soap she uses eacch time she washes her hands and seemed very possitive about it.
Her counsellor has discussed with her about tackling things he feels comfortable with and trying to do things differently.
I think I'm the problem or she wants it to be me so she can blame me instead of the OCD.
She wont discuss her treatment with me as she thinks I want her to so things to my timetable and not her's.
So I guess the OCD wins again x
She is clearly on the defensive, but I think that is not so much about you as about the OCD. It's a trying and frustrating condition. I have self-harmed as a result of it, simply because I needed to take my frustration out on someone.
She takes it out on you because you're there, and she knows that as her mother you will put up with a lot from her! And I think she is afraid of having any pressure to go against the OCD put on her, even though you haven't been doing that.
It's easier for her to blame you because confronting OCD is so difficult. Let her know that you are not going to pressurize her, or force her to go at a pace of your choosing. But that doesn't mean that you have to comply with everything the OCD makes her demand. It's a tricky balance to get, I know!
It sounds like she is making an effort. It can be slow progress, I know, x x x
My daughter managed to go out with her boyfriend yesterday. She went on 2 buses, and sat through 2hrs watching a comedian and although she was really anxious she still went. She didn't take her phone with her bit communicated through her boyfriend. He told me she was extremely anxious but she managed to stay until the end
This morning however she is in high alert and within 30 minutes of waking up she is terrified of the pillows on her bed are contaminated as her boyfriends pillows touched hers. So any gains she made yesterday are lost with the sheer panic over the pillows. No matter what I say to try and convince her that everything os ok I just winde her up and make things worse. I'm useless at trying to calm her down and never know what to say. If I say nothing she says she's says she's in her own if I try talking to her she says I make things worse. I can't win x
It is real progress she has made. The gains she has made haven't been lost.
Putting oneself into such a stressful situation for such a sustained period as she has just done is exhausting, mentally and emotionally and physically. It's bound to take it out of her for a bit. I often have a spike after I've overdone things and have to have a bit of a rest to recover.
But simply going against the OCD makes a difference in the brain. It means the OCD hasn't won a complete victory, and it knows it. The brain has proved it can fight back. It is just such little victories over the OCD that stop the OCD from getting worse, though it may not feel like it now.
Having her emotions raised to such a pitch while on an outing, they are likely to be still high the next day, but they will settle down.
It's difficult for you, of course, as she makes you feel in the wrong whatever you do. Don't congratulate her, but just acknowledge that she has made a big effort, that she deserves a bit of a rest after it, and reassure her that it has made a difference. I can't say how she'll take that, but it's worth a try.
As I said before, don't co-operate with the OCD more than you have to to stop her unravelling completely. If she is forced gradually to do more for herself it will enable her to make more small victories over the OCD. x x x
I think Sallyskins gave you good advice. It's easy as well for others to fall into patterns dealing with others issues in order to make things easier. And we do tend to dish out in those closest to us because it's safer to.
People get ashamed by their own behaviour too & frustrated. Needing to feel accepted. I go through that myself with what's on my plate but I was functioanal before. It would be so good if you could have a group meeting with therapist to know what to do & her goals. The key is no judgement and safety of person in their mind. To be able to say it's not about her it's about you so you can respond appropriately and make it about you. Because it partially is. It's not like there's a handbook for others. If only right?! I think key is to respond with praise and say you make mistakes too your human just like her and try too. And saying you're proud & believe in her and her process. It is a building of trust over time & consistent response your end. To accomplish.
Consistency is always key and safe place to fall or and share positive moments. It's not easy but helpful. If somehow you can get her to allow you to join her as it truly can be about you it would be great with assurance it's about you. It's frustrating to be the obsessed person I don't have OCD but when I was working I dealt with disability now I have my own lol
On another note if this isn't in cards overtime to have session maybe go see therapist of your own to get insight to deal with it. Sometimes we fall into working around that person it helps at first then bites you in the butt as they're running the whole show & you. Changes then need to be made. And sometimes ignoring behaviour bad behaviour responses is good too lots of praise specific praise is helpful. They may respond ignorantly at first getting used to it but pointing out what's done right is more important.
I hope this helps on some level as I know it takes a lot being the punching bag and I applaud you for both reaching out and venting and loving your kid & yourself !!
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