Am I mentally ill??!!?!

[Immy]

Hi I'm 16 and getting these weird feelings and I don't know how to explain them? I'll try...

I don't know when I started feeling like this, I keep telling my self it was when I started secondary school?? I don't know though?

I feel like I've got something wrong with me, like I should be put into a mental home or something.

I keep going online to answer tests but non of the questions seem to have the right answer for me?

I don't know how to tell people how I feel, and most of the time I don't want to in case I upset or annoy them.

I get annoyed when I don't get thing right. Like in English (or now) I get annoyed because I can't put things in order even if I do a list; no matter how hard I try. And yet I want and like to make lists so that I feel organised.

I can't get mad at people because I don't want to upset them, so this leads to me doing stupid things that upset people even more, and the circul goes on and on.

I often put my self down.

Sometimes I like to have a time table to make sure I do things right but other times I am really laid back. I have swings like that through out a day.

I have mood swings where I feel really happy for a few moments but most of the time I don't know how I feel, or if I'm meant to be feel like that in a given situation (if that makes sense?)

I feel like I'm meant to behave in a sustain way to be excepted by others even I hate the way I act... That's probably normal.

I always come up with little stories in my head of sinarious where things work out how I want them to. But then I doubt if they would happen, and I often don't like the out come. I feel like I need the people who are in my story to be next to me giving me real answers... Again I hope that makes sense??!

I struggle to sleep at night... Again that's probably normal.

I often have feelings that oppose each other at the same time. For example i will want people to be with me and help me and tell me everything is ok, but at the same time I want to be on my own in a dark room. Or likewise I don't want to get out of bed but I will feel lazy if I don't (that's probably normal)

I always doubt myself and I like to be told how to do things so that I don't get them wrong.

I have had some suicidal thought although these hardly ever happen and I would never have the guts to do it any way.

I used to (not as much now, but still a bit) have to get to a curtain place in a curtain time and in a curtain number of steps in order to feel safe.

I am religious and if I read the bible and go to meeting they help, but then I seem to back down hill when I go to school or when I'm not doing religious things.

I like to play with a clip when I'm nervous, I open and close it until one finger hurts then I do it on the other hand. I have to make sure both hands have the same feeling. I also do this while typing.

I go through phases... Chewing on my right side of my mouth for one mouthful. Then the next mouthful is on my left side of my mouth; so that both are the same.

Also ducking when there are road signs I case one shoots me.

And not letting my phone or tablet go below 50% battery.

I often think of things to try and make me feel better. Like drawing, or sleep or exercise or reading the bible. But they all seem to take too much effort to do, so end up not bothering!

I would run up the stairs because I thought there was a lion or tiger at the bottom trying to eat me.

It started getting worse last October when I broke up with someone. Even when we went out I never felt like things were working so I came up with the little stories in my head. But even then I told my self it wasn't working, however I didn't want to dump them I case I upset them. It's a bit complicated!!

I can't seem to find anywhere that has an answer! It like I have a mixture of problems all rolled into one, and yet I tell my self I'm over reacting? I seem to be having this constant battle with myself daily!

I know this isn't in any order, so I'm sorry! I hope you understand what I'm trying to say???? And sorry if I'm just over reacting to purity or something??! 😔

Thank you for reading it all!

Sorry I keep editing it... It keep remembering things that I feel are weird??!